I'm not sure how much longer I can be like this ...

[Exit]

I'm not sure what point during this less-than-ideal relationship you started to think you had found your partner for life and had a future all set up. I think now that you miss the relationship, you look back and think it was so great, but in your initial post you detailed how you already knew it was BS that you could never get him to spend time at your place, we were always running around hectically before work to go to and from your place to get ready. It doesn't sound like were in totally loving this relationship. But we always want what we can't have and now you look back on it and feel like you lost the love of your life.

 

There is nothing abnormal about what you're going through. Relationships can be soooo different from one another, just because you have a friend who ended up single around the same time and is already going out and having fun doesn't mean you have to be.

 

What's jumping out at me after reading your latest reply is how much concern you are showing about when or where you will meet the next one, and when you are going to find the one to spend your life with. We all want that, but people seem to have forgotten that there is an option C after "get back with the ex" or "find someone new ASAP", and that's just staying single for a while. It sounds like you have a pretty time consuming career, and you are going through a rough break up. Now is not the time for concern about who you're going to meet next. As you said yourself, the next one always does come along, so don't be totally illogical and fear that you'll never find someone. You might not find someone tomorrow, this week, this month, or during the remainder of this calendar year, but that doesn't mean a damn thing.

 

I've been single for 8 months. I am still finishing my healing. Much like you, I spent the first stages of the breakup pacing around, crying, losing my mind, so it takes a lot of time just to settle back down to normal. Worrying about starting to date someone new before that process finishes is just asking for more trouble.

 

I applaud you for not wanting to date some other guy just to use him. There is such a thing as casual dating though. When you feel ready, as long as you clearly let the other party know that you are only interested in an evening out to enjoy yourself and you're not necessarily looking for a boyfriend or anything right now, you don't need to feel guilty.

 

Maybe I'm just too preoccupied with playing psychiatrist lately but I again sense something lingering under the surface... you have a lot going for you in your life yet there's this eagerness that you have to hurry up and find the right one. Yet at the very beginning of your story you talked about how you never wanted to be the girl to get in a relationship and immediately sign her life away to start planning a marriage. When did you suddenly change gears to wanting a serious life partner all of a sudden? You have plenty of time. Do you feel like less of a success if you're single? Does it hurt your self esteem to not have a boyfriend?

 

All of these threads are interconnected. If you feel an overwhelming urge to avoid being single at all costs, this is what leads into staying in bad relationships, fighting for them after they've already ended, missing people who weren't good for you in the first place, etc. As soon as you realize that you are perfectly fine on your own and don't NEED someone else right now, things will start to fall into place on their own.

 

I've had to do a lot of work with accepting being single as well. As much as I used to hate all the girlfriends who left me and then got with someone else right away, one day it hit me that when I looked back, I hardly spent more than a few weeks or months as a single person in between my relationships either. I've had one relationship after another and I'm typically not the type to just date for fun, every girl I met became a serious exclusive relationship. I was running from some self esteem issues and other issues as well, knowing I had a girlfriend always made me feel better about myself.

 

It might scare the crap out of you to put yourself in my shoes and think that maybe 8 or 9 months later you still aren't going to feel 100%, but it's possible, especially judging by how much this breakup hurt you.

 

Focus on loving yourself right now. Not sure if it appeals to you but I'd suggest some type of exercise to help with the anxiety and to wear you out so you'll be more tired at night without needing sleep aids. Go for a run or something, you have a lot of pent up emotions right now and exercise is a great release.

[ImASadPanda]

Still feel like I did 7 weeks ago. I went to bed at 9:30 ish last night, laid in bed, wrote that post, and at some point fell asleep. I woke up at 6pm, from a horrible dream. Please do not read into this in terms of my personal preferences, etc., to a woman's choice ... but the dream that woke me up in tears was me finding out I was pregnant, but not until the 3rd trimester, (no clue how in the dream I went that long without showing) but all I knew was that I didn't want to have the baby, and was begging to be able to give it up for adoption, and was in a pharmacy taking every pregnancy test they had. And then stuff just even more weird where I had chinchilla's with me (I did actually use to own chinchillas when i was little), that had babies, and I was trying to protect them from everything that was trying to eat them (I was in the woods at this point). Then everything in the woods was chasing me, still pregnant, and the 2 parent chinchillas and the 3 babies I was trying to protect ... and I just woke up in tears.

 

Is it normal for klonopin or xanax to cause dreams like this? If you remember, my post from yesterday, I woke up in a drenching sweat, particularly what woke me up was me actually swinging and fighting with something that was holding onto me, and the actual momements I was making while I was sleeping is what woke me up.

 

So, anyway, I didn't wake up until 6pm today, and immediately started crying, and have been crying on and off every 15 minutes or so. I haven't taken any of the anxiety pills yet today ... but starting to think I need to take one. I've been trying to put some of the stuff away that I have let linger in my house. As I said, he travels 4 days a week ... his apartment is little more than a hotel ... but mine ... I realized part of why this maybe has been SO hard on me is that I have spent the past year nesting. There are little things everywhere that I didn't realize where thing that have come to be during our relationship. I took a photo out of a frame weeks ago when we exchanged stuff... but I was too hurt at the time to actually put the frame away. So it has sat in a chair in my room, under a pile of clothes for weeks, and I just finally uncovered it... it was still even taken apart the way it was so I could get to the photo that day... and as I put the back back onto the picture frame, bursting in tears, I realized little things like this are everywhere in my house...and i had been subconsciously nesting over the year and that its killing me to be in this apartment. Not only does every room and hallway have a bad memory of nasty arguments, but there is so much that reminds me of the good things I dreamed for us to have. The herb garden I planted so I could make dinners for us with fresh herbs, the steak cooking book I got so we could learn to make fancy steak meals, that frame... a frame I have had for 4 years of relationships... but our relationship was the first one that made me open it from its packaging (was a detailed, expensive frame from Things Remembered), and actually use it for the first time, with a picture of us. A dress I had bought the week he broke up with me ... for us, for our first anniversary celebration dinner. It's been sitting in it's bag, on the floor for over 7 weeks now, because I couldn't bring myself to touch it, not even the bag.

 

I feel like I am losing my friends and support group because in their heads, its been 7 weeks, and I should be over this and there are plenty of events and parties to be going to. But mind you all my friends are 27-38, some have boyfriends, the rest are single and love it, and love the lifestyle of going to events, and parties, and galas (DC area), with a focus of being in pictures from these events. None of this has ever really been my cup of tea, and yes I have gone to some over the past 4 years, but I am not made of money, and I have always been well grounded in terms of wanting a normal life, and knowing that if I got caught up in all that crap, I would end up 48 and single (I have a specific reference in mind), and still partying and name dropping thinking that was the best thing in life, then wake up one day and go "hmmm, why am I single and nobody wants to date me?"

 

So I have been in hysterics every 15 minutes or so since I woke up, and what I am more worried about is for some reason, now that I ripped this bandaid off this weekend, that the freshly opened wound is going to cause me to go back to not being able to hold my ***** together at work, and start having anxiety attacks there again, crying and all. It took me 3-4 weeks to be able to stop crying at the office to start with. Now this week has happened, and I think I am going to lose it again ... I feel like I am literally not designed to be able to process this crap like a normal person ... and I can't keep being like this at work. It literally cost me blood, sweat and tears last year to get the rating I got for annual review, and I am going to kiss that goodbye if I cant get it together. Do I go to my doctor and tell her I dont feel like I am getting relief with the low doses they have me on? Or...? If It helps, I am on .5mg of xanax and .5mg of Klonopin. I used to be on 1mg of Ativan a looooong time ago when I had cancer and had really bad anxiety ... and a 220lb male friend of mine was shocked I could still stand straight on 1mg, because thats what he took. I just don't want my dr. to think I am abusing these at all or anything. They both say as needed, up to x many times a day, and I use them sparingly because I have read about addiction problems and don't want to risk that, and am well past the refill dates on both. But I need to be able to find at least a numb-ish, level feeling so I can make it through the work day or I am going to get forced on vacation or fired if I cant figure this out.

[Exit]

I suppose you could tell your doctor that you aren't feeling better and see about higher doses. I tend to look for other solutions to problems, medications just bother me for some reason. 9 months of being pretty miserable with my breakup and I haven't taken any pills, just got drunk when I felt the need to.

 

I know it hurts now but you still did the right thing. You're worried that you won't be able to hold it together at work but I don't see how it would have been any easier to keep your composure if you hadn't finalized things with him, going day to day checking your phone to see if he sent you anything, getting packages at your house, being led on, who knows, maybe even some day finding out that he is seeing somebody new.

 

Again there is nothing abnormal about how you are feeling, if your friends are going to judge you because they think 7 weeks is enough time to heal then they aren't real friends. Besides, it hasn't really been 7 weeks of being single, you stayed in touch with him most of the time, now can you see why we encouraged you to put an end to it? How much healing did you do in those first 7 weeks? Close to none, because you were still allowing contact with him and hoping that he was going to take you back. Give 7 weeks of real No Contact a try and see how you're feeling after that.

 

You will be okay. Everyone is at rock bottom during this stage of the relationship. Whatever pain you are feeling is better than sacrificing your dignity to stay strung along for this guy. Maybe some day he will figure things out and reach to to you again, but it was critically important for you to stand up for yourself and put an end to the cycle that was going on.

Edited July 30, 2012 by Exit

[PainsChains]

Exit. You should do this for a living. You always give great advice, man.

[Exit]

Haha thanks. I wish I could do it for a living, certainly not having any luck finding a job. Being an expert at getting dumped isn't the most enviable position though, I've only earned what I know by going through some terrible experiences. Once upon a time I was no different than anyone else posting here, I hated when people would give me advice to leave an ex alone, I'd convince myself that they just didn't understand and keep on getting myself hurt by doing things my way. Now I'm on the other side of the table and I just try to encourage people to face the facts asap and realize when they are being strung along so they don't have to suffer as long as I did. Nothing bothers me more than when I see someone about to sacrifice more of their self-respect and dignity to chase after someone, because I know how hard it is to get those things back. I'm not bitter about what happened to me and I don't tell people to leave their exes alone because I don't want to see them get back together or anything like that, and I'm aware my experiences only go so far and every breakup is unique and different. I just don't like seeing good people selling themselves short.