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I'm not sure how much longer I can be like this ...


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Posted

My boyfriend of a year broke up with me 7+ weeks ago, a day before my birthday (which I cancelled due to inability to move from my bed). I'm sorry, I realize there are two paragraphs now inbetween the start of this and the actual coping part of my post ...

 

For a year, we fought, non-stop, and I am a very realistic and rational person. Never in my life have I fought in all of my relationships put together as much as he and I fought in the first 3 months we dated. I couldn't figure out why ... it always seemed control related, I wanted to make sure he understood I was not going to be the kindergarten teacher type woman who never swore, based my own value on my significant other and expected that I would marry, and my sole purpose in life was to have children and be a wife. He said that was not what he wanted, but his actions showed otherwise and I was never allowed to have any opposing feelings against him. Couple that with him being a highly emotional Scorpio (from RAGING anger, to crying on the floor in one fight in a matter of minutes). Then add that I am very non-reactive during fights and try to talk rationally and point out cause and effect cycles of our arguing ... "Don't you realize, I would not have gotten mad at you, if you had not told me to come over at 7, and then tell me when I get there that he's going to go to the gym for 2 hours, and I should be happy to wait around, not being productive, not being at my own house at least being able to DO something.). I told him several times nearer the end, through tears that I honestly believed if he would just see a doctor that I truly thought he had a chemical imbalance and all our arguing would go away if he could get medication to help balance out the mood swings... I had nothing left to lose at that point.

 

Despite a year of this, and me ignoring the fact that I had slowly lost 10lbs over the year, and for some reason started having anxiety attacks regularly, ended up ON medication for it, then got yelled at by the boyfriend that ultimately was the cause of the anxiety, when he snooped in my medicine cabinet and found the xanax. I told him, i dont care that you found them... but at least I want you to know, when my doctor told me she was going to prescribe them to me, I had an immediate anxiety attack right there on the medical table/thingy. She had no clue what had just happened, asked me what was wrong as she handed me tissues, and I said I dont know how I am going to tell him that I am on anxiety medication. Funny in hindsight, but not at the time, she laughed and said well he can't think everything can be solved with yogurt and vitamins, which immediately sent me into hysterics as I said through a massive crying/breathing fit, "that's EXACTLY what he thinks and he is not going to accept this."

 

I went through a year of accepting his 4 day a week work travel, and one day of graduate school on the weekends, getting a total of about 2 days with him a week, less the sleeping hours, time spend with his friends, gym time, etc. And it always had to be at his house. So I would rush home from work, grab a bag of stuff and my dog, spend 20 minutes to drive 5 miles away to his place (espcially on the rare occassions he wasnt traveling that week), have to wake up early so I could pack up the overnight bag, and dog, and go back to my house, to get ready for work to drive BACK in the same direction towards and past his house to get to my office. After 6 months of this, I told him, do you realize you have NEVER been to MY place (which looks like a decorated apartment out of a better homes and gardens magazine mind you). Over the next 6 months he came and stayed here probably 5-10 times total... always guilting me to come to his place.

 

So between the sacrifices of traveling to and from his place always, driving him too and from the airport AND school (at 7am on Saturdays) so I could get any little time I could with my highly self-focused boyfriend, and dealing with the travel, and the prioritization of working out over me, and feeling constantly pressured to be a woman that never swore, wore little makeup, didnt dress up at all (all his friends are very "normal" ... i like to dress a little casual classy most of the time), didn't like me in heels, thought I was too thin (yes I am thin, WAS 118lbs and 5'9"... depression caused me to drop to 103lbs as of last week) ... somehow, with all the sacrifices, and dedication, and support, and trying to be so perfect and meet all these ridiculous standards of perfection and putting myself into anxiety attack/medication mode ... HE finally was not happy anymore and broke up with me...

 

Devastated does not BEGIN to describe how it felt and feels. I think I mentally lost it at that point, as I met him in my lobby of my arpartment, and realized he didnt have his bag with him (he was supposed to be staying over), and I immediately knew what was coming and said "no, you are not coming up into MY space to breakup with me, go outside." We were outside, and I just kind of lost it and didn't care who saw or heard, because I knew at this point his EGO is what was most important to him. I just reemed him for taking me for granted, and trying to change me, and not appreciating all the stuff I had put up with, and being second to him and everything else in his life, and how he was so self-centered that he simply did not have a clue how to make SPACE for someone in his life nor show them that they are his other HALF, not just a woman that should think he hung the moon and depends on him. I wouldnt let him get in his car and repeatedly told him "NO, NO, you can't just break something and leave the mess behind, NO, you F***ing deal with this, you broke me, I am a person and you broke me, you broke what I was, you ruined me and my confidence and you can't just leave because you broke it and want to find a new toy." The situation deteriorated from there, cops were involved, and mind you this is all while he is in a suit and me in a $250+ dollar dress, me just home from work, him just home from his flight home... cops have NEVER been involved and this was the most UNNATURAL looking situation for two educated, career driven people like us. I just screamed at him and the cops to make him leave, I didn't want to see him anymore, and as they talked to him and he left, the other woman brought me to my apartment where I immediately collapsed on the floor near my purse, fumbling frantically for the xanax, as of that very moment I thought I was going to surely die if I couldn't get my mind and heart rate to slow down so I could breath.

 

NOW - here I am, 7 weeks post breakup, and I am ashamed to say that I must have somehow lost every bit of self-respect and pride, because for some reason I committed every "don't" there was to do. Randomly showed up at his place on day 1, and only could say, I'm lost, and I don't even know what to do with myself and this was the only place I could think to go... I spent the next several weeks pleading and bargaining, saying I would never say a thing again about how I wanted him home more, travel less, so our relationship could grow and progress to the next stages of normal relationships, telling him how much I missed and loved him, the whole nine yards. Going to my doctor (regular doctor) again, once again losing it in her office telling her I cant be like this and the xanax isnt helping, and upon asking if anything has changed, I confessed the breakup, and got klonopin prescribed as well. We text every few days, there is an occassional call here and there, mostly focused on pain, and if there is a possibility of reconciliation, both of us missing each other, him telling me he needs time because I "hurt" him (by putting up with all of that for a year and finally expressing some desire for a normal relationship??), two attempts on my part to give back stuff, defriend on facebook, and say, I can't deal with this pain anymore, you aren't coming back and I promised you I would not give up on us, but holding up all OUR dreams and hopes for the future on my own was drowning me and he was watching from the shore, and not throwing me a lifeline...both attempts have failed, because I keep responding to messages, or occassionally sending one myself.

 

The past 7 weeks have been the most devastating of my life, I have been through breakups, but this I think is the first one where I felt rejected, like I couldn't perform to these high standards of being a perfect, compliant, vitamin eating, girl next door looking, wife and mother ONLY aspiring accessory to his life. I am a type A perfectionist ... to the point I use to tell on myself when I was little and set my own punishments. If I couldnt meet these standards and expectations ... then I know that no-one can ... no one can accept being neglected by a self-centered man, and be as happy as a plum with it. Yes, he is gorgeous, and I've been chased by many a men for appearances...but I'm very emotionally and intellectualled grounded ... but that wasn't valued apparently.

 

Now for 7 weeks, I've dropped to 103lbs, on meds, had a "meeting with my boss" asking me why I kept losing it in the office, worked from home for two weeks, tried staying with a friend and the further we got from my house I felt anxiety setting in, and from her garage to her living room, blew into a full blown anxiety attack and had to immediately be taken back to my house, around familiar things, my blankets, my bed ... I've NEVER been this person, I have never snapped like this. I have been drinking a bottle of wine a night between 7pm and whenever I could pass out, later upgraded to vodka cranberries, taking my 2 different anxiety prescriptions, taking nyquil and OTC sleeping pills, whatever I could do to pass out as quickly as possible once I got home from work, to not feel anything ... Crying randomly in the mornings, in the car, at the office which I NOW in the past 2 weeks have gotten under control at the office, crying at night, constantly looking at my phone and computer to see if he had communicated with me and to (ashamed to admit this) check his whereabouts ... it was somehow at least comforting to know if he was home rather than out potentially with another girl or who knows...

 

I know the first recommendation will be to go see someone, but in my line of work, seeing a therapist is not really an option due to clearances. I'm pretty, I'm educated, independent, any man EXCEPT him would live that I am a tall, thin, blonde, I'm successful at what I do ... and I put up with all the neglect and his selfishness for a year and somehow I STILL am not good enough. He talks about hoping that he falls back in love with me and that the pain i caused him goes away (remember, emotionally unstable and ego centric), and that he just needs time ... and he isnt promising that time will fix it so we can try again, but that "minimally he needs time to heal so he can hopefully feel better about a future together." I have only had fleeting moments of anger and F**K this feelings, that I can't hold onto, and the rest of the time I am just trying to keep from absolutely falling apart. Devastated, catatonic, paralized ... these words barely scratch the surface of how I feel. What in the HELL is wrong with me that I STILL love him and STILL want us back together, even though I know he probably wont change, its like he somehow literally ruined and broke the person I was, and I can't imagine being without him, because I feel brainwashed that I need him to be valuable myself now. I KNOW this is not who I was and that I should be grasping on to that... but I can't. I don't know what else to do, I am on meds, I keep attempting at removing him from my life and saying "no more, I give up hope" ... but I can barely function at work, and once I am home, I am practically chained to my computer and bed, researching "how to get over an ex," "how to get an ex back," "how to move on from an emotionally abusive relationship," "how to cope with extreme anxiety and depression from a breakup." This lost feeling, like I am just going through the days as a shell ... I can feel inside I am breaking, thoughts of dying have crossed my mind several times, not suicide, but that I would be happy if a car would crash into me, or I drown ... I want so badly to feel numb, to not feel ANYTHING right now, that death is even something my mind goes to, because I wouldnt feeel anything ... so I rely on sleep, my temporary death, to try and not feel anything for all the remaining hours of the day that I dont have to be at work. I've gone out a few times, and I am the worlds best "fake a smile" woman ... but I don't want to be out. I was ready to settle down, we talked of houses and dogs, even went looking at houses, and I feel like he ripped our dreams and my entire existence right out from under me and left me a broken mess that I was NOT before he met me.

 

At this point, I don't know what to do, I don't know why I still have feelings, why I dont ACCEPT the breakup, why i dont ACCEPT that he never made me happy and was always going to be selfcentered, why i want him back, why as the rational person I am, I cant get myself out of this coma like state of doing what I need to exist (work, pay bills, occassionally see friends so they dont think i have lost it), but other than that, I want to not exist anymore. The pain I have endured in my life, not just this relationship, has culminated in this mess of a 27 year old woman, that now feels like if this is what I have to look forward to the rest of my life ... an ailing mom, a demanding job that overachieving me must be perfect and the top percentile of the global company, the pain of fibromyalgia, the suffering of chronic fatigue ... lack of energy to support my innate desire to be perfect at everything I do and not let anyone down ... plus relationship after relationship being a letdown ... and this final breakup, being the only time I have literally been "rejected" and not chased again with the "Im so sorry I am so stupid to even risk losing you" speech from boyfriends past ... I'd be okay being rejected if I messed up somewhere ... but jesus I catered to his schedule, did everything for him, let him be self-centered, adopted his social circle instead of making him also integrate into mine ... and this is what I am left with ... a shell ... that I wish was hollow, but instead is in some coma consisting of a whirling vortex of depression and anxiety and prescribed meds along with self-medicating to try to just not FEEL anything anymore.

 

This was ridiculously long, and for that I apologize, as I understand the communcation standards of getting to the point and not losing your audience in a tangled web of words ... but I just couldn't ... I couldn't control what I have written ... its just a whirling vortex of emotion ... now manifested on the forum, and god I pray two things: #1, that he NEVER sees this ... sees how weak I am and how much he really screwed me up, and #2, that at least someone on these forums is bored enough to read this and help. I've read all the self-help stuff, seen my doctor, tried, friends, cutting communication, everything ... nothing is sticking, nothing is helping, and if it weren't for the fact that I know it would quite possibly kill my mother and destroy my brother, I don't think I would be taking too many cautions in any attempt of self-preseveration ... I don't want to kill myself ... but I feel like I am almost welcoming death at this point by accident.

 

Its 10pm... time to bring the bottle of wine to bed, take the prescription cocktail topped with the OTC Nyquil and sleeping aid pills necessary to eventually let me sleep. God cannot expect me to carry this weight much longer ... I can't do it ... a person of 103lbs should not be awake until 5am or later, laying in bed, wishing to god for sleep, after the amount of crap I am taking. Weeks now of literal sleepless night, working on zero to 1-2 hours of sleep, and on weekends, sleeping from Friday night to 6pm Saturday, and doing the same thing Saturday nights, through Sunday evenings, then repeating the no sleep cycle for the work week...and the emotional torture...

 

I can't hold up all the dreams and hope, I can't hold myself up anymore, Dear God, I am praying to you to please, please... I am begging, to please just give me some relief, something to alleviate this pain ... I try so hard in life and have dealt with losing my dad, my moms cancer, my fibromyalgia, pulling myself up from being raised in a trailer to living in one of the richest cities in the world, putting myself through college, making a name for myself in my firm ... being alone and dealing with this massive devastation to my life ... please God, or someone, please please help me. I know you only give us what we can handle, but I think you misjudged my strength, and I feel I am going to break soon ... please ...

Posted (edited)

Hi. I'm going to give this to you straight. But let me tell you what I gather from this post:

 

-Your ex is not good for you.

-Your ex increases your anxiety.

-Your ex is controlling.

-Your ex was not a boyfriend of good quality.

 

That's the bottom line. This self-medication with alcohol and pills is NOT good. You have to get ahold of yourself and chill out. You sound like you are on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

 

The only pills you should be taking is those prescribed by a doctor and you must tell the doctor all the different kind of pills you are taking.

 

I wouldn't say all men want a tall, thin, blonde person. That's pretty conceited. There are many other different types of body types and hair colors that are wanted by men. However, it's good that you have that self-confidence in you.

 

You're a mess right now and you are allowing some idiot to ruin your life. You need to stop, chill out and just breathe. You need to breathe. You need to sit in a chair, close your eyes and breathe.,,slowly, in through the nose and out through the mouth...slowly, slowly.

 

Now I don't understand about you can't get therapy because of clearance. But if this has to do with your job, you can get therapy from some other place that has nothing to do with your job...a place that has a sliding scale if you don't have insurance. If you are in the US: A university that has a grad school program in clinical or counseling psychology, Lutheran Social Services, Volunteers of America and more.

 

You are ruining your life for some bastard that is just not worth you and you need to stop this and reclaim your life. Try doing things that can help you really get in touch with the inner you in a healthy way like meditation and yoga. Meditation for Dummies is a good start. There's a lot of blah, blah, blah in the book, but once they get going, it's good.

 

Keep posting in LS and don't give up. I know what it's life to date someone who takes, and takes, and takes, and takes and then leaves. A lot of us do here.

 

Good luck.

Edited by CopingGal
  • Like 1
Posted (edited)

Well I had a lot of thoughts while I read that but it was so lengthy that I probably have forgotten some of what I came up with haha.

 

First of all, as you already alluded to, you do have many things about you that most people would kill to have in a partner, I wish I could find a 27 year old female like you in my dating scene. So you will find someone else without much issue.

 

I can relate to a lot of what you said. Some of it very much so. Just know that you aren't alone, you aren't abnormal, you aren't the only person to have such a strong reaction to losing someone.

 

Next I would say, as much as they have become your coping tools, please try to give the alcohol and the medicines a rest. Especially the alcohol, it just makes you feel crappier and more depressed. Keep the medications for absolute emergencies when you feel like you are losing control, but do not rely on them too much. Learn to feel the uncomfortable emotions and deal with them and wait for them to pass (they will), don't start developing the immediate response that any negative emotion should have you reaching for a pill bottle. Even if this means a couple nights of difficulty falling asleep without your usual aids of alcohol or medicine, please give your system a rest from all the chemicals and I think you'll start feeling better.

 

Now, the main thing I came up with after reading your post, is that I actually think this has very little to do with any real desire or love for him. It sounds like an absolutely ****ty relationship in which you were doing all the work and he really does not sound all that amazing. So I don't think this really has to do with any sort of incredibly undying love for this less-than-ideal catch. What I think is really going on has more to do with the things you mentioned about your Type A personality, being a perfectionist, "the overachieving me must be perfect", etc. With a personality type like this, I think it is a huge blow to your ego that you "failed". You didn't fail, all that happened in reality is that he beat you to the punch with breaking up. I think you were well on your way to wanting out of this relationship, and he may have even sensed it, and that's why you got the boot. And now this entire process is a way for him to reestablish that he is the dominant one here, he is going to keep you at arms length and keep telling you that he will get back together with you until he realizes that you have been put back in line. Honestly I feel like I can tell you right now, this guy will take you back. 99.9% of the time on this website I have to tell people that I think they better start moving on because the ex isn't interested. I think this guy will invite you back into the relationship eventually, because I think I can see the game he is playing.

 

Anyways I'm getting distracted from the initial point I am making. This is only tearing you apart because you hate that you lost, you hate that you were doing everything in this relationship and then YOU got dumped. And let me tell you this is exactly what happened to me in my last relationship. Much like you, if anyone had read a detailed description of my relationship and my girlfriend, they would have told me that she sounded like a total jerk, and then proceed to ask me why on earth I cared so much. My ex did nothing for me. She dumped me once and in that time period I felt exactly like you did in your post, I was going crazy, I lost 30lbs, I was chasing after her any day I had free time, showing up places, writing letters, and she was still communicating with me and giving me enough attention to stay strung along. And eventually we did get back together. And 3 months later she left again. But for me it was all about that I hated that initial rejection. I hated that she dumped me. I wanted her back at any cost. And eventually I won. And I remember that night after we got back together I was finally able to sleep, and wake up the next morning not feeling like a worthless piece of garbage. But I do recall, in that period of time while we were broken up, I was openly saying to people "I'm not so sure if I really want to be with her again or if I just want the rejection to go away".

 

I think in a very similar fashion, you are obsessed with this person and the breakup, but I think it's really just the rejection eating away at you. It would be like being the top performer at your company for the month of July, and then being informed that you are the one person in the company getting fired. It wouldn't make much sense to work your ass off and try harder than everyone else, and then be the only one singled out and let go. That's how it feels to be the one trying to hold up a relationship all by yourself and then YOU get dumped. I can totally relate to your description of trying to hold up the relationship by yourself while he watched from the shore, while my ex and I were broken up the first time I kept telling her this isn't fair I'm fighting alone to hold onto the dreams we had together and you're standing there watching me and won't come back to help.

 

It's so hard to view our own situations from an objective point of view but I really wish you could because you would see how nonsensical it is for YOU to be the one doing the chasing right now, desperate to get him back, promising you'll never bring up things you didn't like about the relationship.

 

You feel like crap about losing your self respect and dignity and all I can say is that your last hope of saving a tiny shred of it is to be the one to cut off the contact. Imagine one day if he turns around and says he doesn't want to talk at all anymore, or just stops responding to you, then you'll just have another insult on top of your injury. The last little bit of power you can take back is to follow through with deleting him from any websites, telling him when and where boxes of his stuff will be waiting for him to pick up, changing your phone number, and leaving him behind. Don't make excuses about why this can't happen. It can be done tonight if you really want it to.

 

As I already said, if you want this guy back, something tells me you'll get it. I generally don't like sounding like such a know-it-all in my advice to people, I truly don't know what will happen or what's going on, maybe this guy loves you to death and really is hurt by what happened. But I think keeping you strung along like this will allow him to do one of two things, either he is keeping you around until he meets someone else and then he can reject you again for good, or he will take you back, but he's going to make you wait like this obedient dog to make sure you keep your promise that you will never speak out against him again or try to guide the relationship in any way. Only a few paragraphs into your post you talked about how you weren't willing to become A, B, and C in a relationship, but that you pretty much became those things as soon as you got with him, and here you are trying to fit yourself into that mold again, promising him that you can be the type of person he wants and not be yourself.

 

I hope you aren't just making some empty excuse about why you can't go to therapy. If you really can't, then you'll just have to figure this out for yourself. Why are you such a perfectionists that you even want to succeed at having a terrible relationship with a guy who does none of the work while you do all of it. This is the problem with being an over achiever. You have to learn how to let some things go even if it feels like you failed, or you will kill yourself trying, or you'll succeed at something that isn't even worth succeeding at. I made this very same mistake. I treated my ex so great. She did nothing for me. I put more energy into her birthday gifts than she put into our entire relationship. And instead of realizing this when she dumped me and realizing I was free from her, it drove me nuts that I was the one who got rejected, and I drove myself crazy trying to get her back. All so she could tell me some more lies, tell me she was back for good, and then leave again. Oh, I chased after her that second time too, but finally I got sick of it, I was the one to cut contact, and that was it. That was maybe 5 months ago. I'm still hurting. But I'd be dead by now if I was still trying to make that relationship work.

 

I could probably go on and on about this because it seems so familiar. But I'll try to stop now. My advice is lay off the pills, lay off the booze, be the one to cut the contact because it will keep you strung along, just at least tell yourself something like for 2 weeks you won't talk to him, he's the one who's claiming he's such a wounded animal anyway, so let him have some time without you, see how you feel after those 2 weeks. Totally purging him from your life is just step one, the rest of the process will involve figuring out how to stop being so driven in inappropriate situations. It's like me telling you I bet you don't know how to drive your car off a cliff and you running out the door to prove me wrong. Some things you don't need to succeed at. You don't need to succeed at doing the work in a relationship all by yourself. You don't need to run back and forth to your house before work because you're dating someone who only wants to hang out at their place. You don't need to stop swearing, dress, or act differently. You sound like you have a LOT going for you and all you really need to succeed at is finding someone who is interested in sharing a 50/50 relationship with you. Please do not chase after the prestigious title of being this guy's doormat because that sounds like totally what he is looking for. He needs to find some girl with no self esteem and no backbone to marry him so they can be controlled. And as of right now you sound like you're trying to rip out your own backbone so you'll be a more fitting partner for him. Stop it. Be sad, take time to heal, all of that is fine and normal, but do those things while deciding to move on from him.

Edited by Exit
  • Like 2
Posted

I'm sorry to hear the pain and suffering you are going through. I can TRULY empathize with you, at least with the internal feelings. I'm not going to state the obvious things about your previous relationship. You already know more than we do.

 

What I did notice was some of your language you used in you post. There were many "Why's" and I can understand. If I didn't have trouble with them myself I probably wouldn't have known to look for them.

 

Now what I mean is "Why" is a present state of mind that is trying to understand and make sense of a situation that you honestly will never get 100% of the answer no matter how hard you try.

 

Let me say again I struggle with this internal dialogue myself. SO I don't ant to say it's easy to let it go but your going to need to learn to control you internal conversations with yourself.

 

Humans like control. We like to know whats happening and make sense of everything. When we don't have control we can rack our brains black & blue trying to com up with an answer to close the door. Unfortunately there is no answer. No matter how hard you try.

 

I've just finished a spout of the "why's" myself this evening. After a 3 weeks no contact and a break up where within 2 days of getting logistics settled we stopped contact. Well, besides for my occasional snooping of **** when I get really weak, lonely, and obsessive behaviors take over my undisciplined mind.

 

Now to combat the "Why" questions and get out of your current state you will need to get control, control of something. The question you ask yourself will allow you to either get out of your state or put you farther in the hole. IF you go back to the hole, don't beat yourself up, just pick yourself back up. Be strong and start over. Start asking questions that will allow you to have control of your life. This is easier said than done. Some of the questions you could ask after a thought of your ex or a situation with your ex are:

 

"Well that sucked, what next?"

"What can I do to move forward"

"What do I want from my life"

"How can I distract myself from entering into that downward spiral?"

"What does my perfect life look like (dangerous if the ex is in it)?"

(If the ex is in it) "What can I do to get that life with someone else?"

 

These are all just initial questions that will pull your conscience mind into though and therefore it won't be able to think about you ex or the situation.

 

Actually, that is how I got here to writing this. I was having a weak moment and I asked what I could do to pull my mind away. And to let you know. I have not thought of my ex even I I write about not thinking about my ex. If that makes sense.

 

If you can truly commit to wanting to move forward, you will be able to move forward. It won't happen over night. I wish that were the case but with determination, discipline, and surrounding yourself with people who can help distract you, you will pull through this.

 

I have other voodoo mind trick that can help too. The mind and body are connected. So if you mind is thinking about things, your reliving them, and you body is creating the chemicals that create the emotions you feel. You need to make a mental effort to control your mind. Eventually your conscience thought will change your sub-conscience thoughts.

 

No on the other hand. Exercise is great too. It clears most of the toxic chemicals from your body. This will help clear the mind. It's like a ying-yang. You can lead your emotions with your mind or you can lead your mind with your body.

 

Now at first this will be challenging. Trust me. but you will notice that it works for a little bit. This should be enough hope that with practice you'll be able to break the habit f thinking about him and the crap he did, places you associate, and all that stuff.

  • Author
Posted (edited)

I wouldn't say all men want a tall, thin, blonde person. That's pretty conceited. There are many other different types of body types and hair colors that are wanted by men. However, it's good that you have that self-confidence in you.

 

 

I'm so sorry ... I certainly did not mean to come off conceited ... I contstantly told him I loved him for him and I would glady be happy with him even if he didnt work out 5 times a week, if it meant I got a little extra time with him. The opposite of that was true for me though: He wanted me to be more like his best friends girlfriend, who I actually think is naturally beautiful... never wore make, and her whole purpose in life is to marry and have kids then quit her job (she is engaged to someone who matches her wants perfectly)... but he always said you need to be more like "Catherine." Don't put on makeup, wear flats, I hate you in heels, you should dress more casual when we hang out with my friends, I want them to like you, you need to gain weight, don't tan, don't wear this and that ... one night I was getting ready for the above mentioned girlfriends birthday dinner at a restaurant, I put on a simple nautical blue and white striped cotton dress, pearl earrings and low kitten heels, because thats what he wants me in, low heels, if heels at all. His first reaction was, you should go change, the second reaction when I said why, what's wrong with this, he said I "looked like a snob! and wanted his friends to like me."

 

So - my statement about "I'm pretty and every other man has never had a problem with me being a tall, thin, blonde" was truly meant to convey that it seemed like he pursued and pursued me, I even told him the first 2 months I didn't think I was his type ... and then I finally gave in and fell in love, but always heard how he wanted my appearances to change... and how no-one else I have EVER met has been uncomfortable with my body, or looks, hair, or how I dress. I'm sorry, that at 27, I grew out of shopping from abercrombie and forever 21...

 

Regardless, I am sorry if it came off that way, I just felt like he wanted to date me, but was constantly trying to change my appearance. I assure you, at this point (especially being summer and my legs are covered in healing poison ivy and the scratching scars I caused), I don't feel very confident as all... I feel like he destroyed any confidence i had, because even with everything I had going for me ... I still wasn't perfect enough. Case in point, I was told, you should thank me within the first 5 seconds after I do something for you, as a consequence of him buying our coffee and donuts for a long drive back to our state of residence. I had walked out the store, opened the door, hadnt even closed it yet since I was situating all our stuff while he got in the drivers side ... and I immediately got a repremanding "YOUR WELCOME!" and the above stated harassment and 5 second rule.

Edited by ImASadPanda
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Posted

 

With a personality type like this, I think it is a huge blow to your ego that you "failed". You didn't fail, all that happened in reality is that he beat you to the punch with breaking up. I think you were well on your way to wanting out of this relationship, and he may have even sensed it, and that's why you got the boot. And now this entire process is a way for him to reestablish that he is the dominant one here, he is going to keep you at arms length and keep telling you that he will get back together with you until he realizes that you have been put back in line. .

I

 

I wholeheartedly agree with you. I am suffering from dealing with this rejection and failure to hold our relationship together, while he was doing whatever was important to him. I failed to be able to do it all, hold it all together, and couldnt feed his ego enough, like he mentioned when he said he looks at his mom and dad, and she adores him and is proud of him ... but I told him, its because your mom has NOTHING that she does anymore to be proud of and define herself by. So she only has her husband and her children's successes to be proud of. I can't be his mom, or his best friends "house wife" in training. I did always say I was proud or happy for him when he achieved anything, but that was the extent. One day I was told that I don't make him feel like Im proud of him like his mom is proud of her husband, I don't shout it from the rooftop or set off fireworks displays over everything. I failed and its killing me that for the first time in my life I have found TWO things that can actually take everything I have to give, perfectionist and all, and leave me with nothing and stilll ask for more, those two things are this extremely competitive firm I now work for, and my ex. Took it all until I was bled dry. And you can't squeeze blood from a rock ... I had nothing left

 

I truly feel he couldn't likely find a better woman that me - I chauffered him around to school and airports weekly, so I could have the extra 20 minutes with him, I scheduled everything around his work travel, workout, and school schedule, remembered all his families birthdays and other holidays to make sure we sent/brought gifts and cards, and even allowed him to stop me from working at the house after I had left the office, because he said I worked too much, mind you he TRAVELS for work, and on the infrequent weeks he was home at our local office, he would work until 9-12 pm at the office and from the house too. There were a lot of double standards ... That's why I was mentioning certain things and that I am for some reason, a very rational, analytical thinker usually leading with my brain and not being the typcial emotional female during our fights. But the more I talked to him in a mellow-monotone kind of voice "John, do you realize that you told me I couldn't come to dinner, because it was a guys dinner only (which he did not know for sure), so I went home and started running errands and in the middle of Target, you call to tell me all the guys are bringing their girlfriends and he all of a sudden wanted me to drop everything, get ready at my house and drive BACK to his house after telling me I couldn't come in the first place.

 

And towards the last few sentences of your quote above, yes, I can very easily see that he is keeping in contact with me so I still have hope, I even told him to his face and on the computer multiple times, If you really are just keeping me around to ease YOUR pain and transition to another woman, just let me go now, stop hurting me.

 

And no - the "cant do therapy because of work" statement is because I work in an industry that requires Secret, and TS/SCI clearances, and they will scrutinize over medical files for physchological therapy, as it could present the potential for me to be a threat and potentially compromise information regarding my assignments.

Posted

So, not only are you a tall, thin, beautiful blonde with a super-secret spy job who could probably break my leg with your earlobe, but I'm guessing from your screen-name that you're a fan of South Park as well? Your ex-BF stunted his bloodflow from lifting heavy objects. You on the other hand... :love:

Posted

Wow, I havent read all the replies cuz they were long and I'm about to go to bed. But I just wanted to say, wow... This guy doesn't deserve you. I thought I was bad in my relationship. I had anger issues which I sought treatment for. Your ex needs to do the same for his behaviors. Telling you what to wear?!?! For his friends sake?!?! That's just crazy. Who wouldn't want to see a woman in heels?

 

Just know there are guys out there that will appreciate all that you are. You sound like a strong driven person. Use that to get over him.

 

One thing that helped me through the pain was to look at the divorce and separation forum. People in there have some terrible stories. Your life may not be as bad as you think. Im not trying to minimize your situation, just trying to open your eyes a little at the terrible sh*t people go through.

 

Try to stay strong, you definitely have a lot of good going on for you in your life.

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Posted
So, not only are you a tall, thin, beautiful blonde with a super-secret spy job who could probably break my leg with your earlobe, but I'm guessing from your screen-name that you're a fan of South Park as well? Your ex-BF stunted his bloodflow from lifting heavy objects. You on the other hand... :love:

 

 

Thank you, that made me laugh and smile a bit. Yes I do watch South Park, also football, histroy channel, war movies, and Top Gear. The ex in question asked me on the way to our first date if I knew what it meant when a horses's leg is up of a war related memorial statue.I replied with the 4 legs on ground = died of natural causes, 2 in the air = Died in battle, and 1 leg up = wounded in war and died from woud. when we were done with dinner and driving back we talked about my TV/Movie likes, mentioned band of brothers, and top gear, and he was like "wow. You are a keeper!" Apparently you are right and he must have lost bloodflow, because he seems th for that I was the first and only girl that he has met/dated that like those shows, and would be the first to turn the TV on to the History channel in the evenings.

Posted
Thank you, that made me laugh and smile a bit. Yes I do watch South Park, also football, histroy channel, war movies, and Top Gear.

 

Yeah. He's an idiot alright. Hopefully the seratonin he gets from the workouts make him happy. Me? I'd be happier making chicken parmesean and watching Top Gear -- the British version of course -- next to an ambitious, fit, stylish gal. But hey, to each their own I guess.

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Posted
Wow, I havent read all the replies cuz they were long and I'm about to go to bed. But I just wanted to say, wow... This guy doesn't deserve you. I thought I was bad in my relationship. I had anger issues which I sought treatment for. Your ex needs to do the same for his behaviors. Telling you what to wear?!?! For his friends sake?!?! That's just crazy. Who wouldn't want to see a woman in heels?

 

Just know there are guys out there that will appreciate all that you are. You sound like a strong driven person. Use that to get over him.

 

One thing that helped me through the pain was to look at the divorce and separation forum. People in there have some terrible stories. Your life may not be as bad as you think. Im not trying to minimize your situation, just trying to open your eyes a little at the terrible sh*t people go through.

 

Try to stay strong, you definitely have a lot of good going on for you in your life.

 

:( He had anger issues too when we fought, I begged him to see a doctor for all of it, between the anger and the strong feeling I had that he was chemically imbalanced... he could go to emotional and actually crying to screaming and making such a strained face that veins popped out on his forhead, but he has stopped the care in the middle of the road in angry, will repeatedly hit this like the steering wheel, litterally would jump up and squat down in an intimidating way and would scream in my face. I even too a day of work of to go to HIS brother's college graduation. It was a 4-5 hour drive there, and at 10:30 at NIGHT, a coworker called him, interrupting our trip, mind you I had been looking forward to this because it meant I got at least 8 straight hours with him round trip since we both scheduled time off the this trip ... and when I could hear her on the phone asking for something for a client immediately, and then saying, nevermind, its too late now if I cant get it this minute to send." Under my breath, not nearly loud enough to hear, he immediately covered the phone, leaned into my face on my side of the car and told me "shut the F*** up!" After he finished the call, he had the audacity to be mad at me, instead of understanding my point that not only did she call on your scheduled DAY OFF, in the middle of the night, but also said, nevermind, its too late anyway to give to the client ... of course I was upset that she called for no reason, keeping him on the phone for 30 minutes. But boy did I get screamed at for that. He even went as far as to say nevermind, Im taking you home, we are over. We were already half way there and had been driving for two hours. I told him fine then, its over, drive me home... and after about 20 minutes of driving BACK home, he turned around back TOWARDS the college, and told me the only reason we were going still is because his parents will be there and he didnt want to have to explain why he was alone upon arrival. We didnt break up, but there was massive tension, but I was still able to don the perfect happy couple look he required, wore a navy blud dress and kitten heels (short), and pearls keeping up my appearances for his family and not letting on to any tension we had experiened during the drive.

 

And you are right, I always remember daily, I have a roof over my head, food in my mouth, a nice car I worked hard for, and an education and career to provide me all these things... so I indeed know I could be MUCH worse off. I do volunteer work at a disadvantaged youth center as well as a rehabilitation hospital, so I always come away thankful for all I have that so many others don't.

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Posted
...watching Top Gear -- the British version of course

 

Is there any OTHER Top Gear?! 5th Gear stinks, as does the new US Top Gear.

Posted

Wow, I honestly cannot believe how similar we are. It's a little scary. I use to tell on myself when I was a child too, lol. I still do(no matter the consequence). I'm a little bit of a goody two shoes. Not stuck up, just a little bit of a perfectionist. I lost my dad a year and a half ago(he was shot 30 mins after I had a conversation with him on the phone). I am presently healing from a heartbreak.

 

I am also a training professional in dance and God knows being a dancer is like being on a never ending roller coaster(one minute I'm doing well, the next I'm struggling with trying to stay focused and motivated). Life is hard. It's not easy at all but I want you to know that you're not alone.

 

You need to stay away from him. God knows I can't survive being around the guy I'm still getting over. It makes me extremely sad and depressed. I can't take it. It's been 5 months since I made my decision to move on and trust me the first 7 weeks were not fun AT ALL. I'm in a much better place now. My life is not perfect, but it's much better than it was before and for that I am highly grateful. Hang in there and try as much as you can to stay away from alcohol. Don't let this guy ruin all that you've worked 4 all your life. Even the person that you were before u met him, u put a lot of work into building yourself into that strong, independent and ambitious woman.

 

Don't let him take all that away from you. You need to fight. This is one of those times in life when u can either sit down and let your problems overcome you or you can get up and tell them that you are stronger than they will ever be. I know it is not easy and it probably won't be easy at all for a couple more months but you need to be strong. The longer you're down and depressed, the longer your problems will stick around. If you get up and fight, they won't immediately disappear but their lifespan will be shortened.

 

I can promise you one thing, your sun will definitely shine on you again. Forget this man. I promise you when the next guy comes along, you'll be like Jack who?(I know his name isn't Jack but whatever, lol). Update on this forum whenever you want. We are always here if you need to talk:)

Posted
I'm so sorry ... I certainly did not mean to come off conceited ... I contstantly told him I loved him for him and I would glady be happy with him even if he didnt work out 5 times a week, if it meant I got a little extra time with him. The opposite of that was true for me though: He wanted me to be more like his best friends girlfriend, who I actually think is naturally beautiful... never wore make, and her whole purpose in life is to marry and have kids then quit her job (she is engaged to someone who matches her wants perfectly)... but he always said you need to be more like "Catherine." Don't put on makeup, wear flats, I hate you in heels, you should dress more casual when we hang out with my friends, I want them to like you, you need to gain weight, don't tan, don't wear this and that ... one night I was getting ready for the above mentioned girlfriends birthday dinner at a restaurant, I put on a simple nautical blue and white striped cotton dress, pearl earrings and low kitten heels, because thats what he wants me in, low heels, if heels at all. His first reaction was, you should go change, the second reaction when I said why, what's wrong with this, he said I "looked like a snob! and wanted his friends to like me."

 

So - my statement about "I'm pretty and every other man has never had a problem with me being a tall, thin, blonde" was truly meant to convey that it seemed like he pursued and pursued me, I even told him the first 2 months I didn't think I was his type ... and then I finally gave in and fell in love, but always heard how he wanted my appearances to change... and how no-one else I have EVER met has been uncomfortable with my body, or looks, hair, or how I dress. I'm sorry, that at 27, I grew out of shopping from abercrombie and forever 21...

 

Regardless, I am sorry if it came off that way, I just felt like he wanted to date me, but was constantly trying to change my appearance. I assure you, at this point (especially being summer and my legs are covered in healing poison ivy and the scratching scars I caused), I don't feel very confident as all... I feel like he destroyed any confidence i had, because even with everything I had going for me ... I still wasn't perfect enough. Case in point, I was told, you should thank me within the first 5 seconds after I do something for you, as a consequence of him buying our coffee and donuts for a long drive back to our state of residence. I had walked out the store, opened the door, hadnt even closed it yet since I was situating all our stuff while he got in the drivers side ... and I immediately got a repremanding "YOUR WELCOME!" and the above stated harassment and 5 second rule.

 

You don't have to say you're sorry. It's okay. But I want you to know something. You shouldn't have to do all of this for anybody. You should dress the way you want. Wear make up if you want or not. He sounds extremely, extremly shallow. I dated my bf mostly wearing sweat pants. It's what I had to wear so I wore them. Did that affect the way he treated me? Probably not. He was an all around bastard, so it probably didn't make a difference.

 

Some women like primping and dressing up. Go for it. His friends didn't like that...so what? Why do you have to be like them? Dress in the way that makes you feel good.

 

I'm so sorry you went through this. Believe me, this man is controlling, immature, shallow, and just ridiculous.

 

Take care of you.

  • Author
Posted (edited)

So even though he broke up with me, we still communicate, I get very empty feeling messages most of the time of "hope you have a good day" or "sleep well" and the occassional "I miss you so much I am so sorry this is happening and I wish I could just fall back in love with you by snapping my fingers, but my heart hurts and needs time."

 

In one of our random communications last week, which I think was prompted by my 2nd attempt to cut him off and tell him please stop, this is too hard for me to hold onto our dreams all on a maybe and potentially have my heart broken a gain because I held onto hope, and you never fell back in love with me/wanted me back. That was during the day, that night he called and we talked for an hour or so ... the next morning at work I get an instant message around lunch saying "I hope you slept well and remember to EAT something today. 103lbs is not healthly." He randomly asks for my address which I gave to him (he just needed the apt #). To my surprise shortly after I got home, my favorite pizza was delivered. I texted him thank you. and he said I should be getting a delivery sometime the following (this) week. So, on Wednesday, to my surprise I get a huge styrofoam (sp?) box, with about 20 various steaks, porkchops and chicken from Omaha Steaks ...

 

At this point I have been emotionally up and down for 7 weeks, convincing myself to hold onto hope and have faith, and then to cut him out of my life, back to somewhat hopeful, back to hopeless ... and I get this package and the only thing I can think is "what the hell kind of mixed a$$ signal is THIS SUPPOSED TO BE?! How am I supposed to interpret THIS?!"

 

The irony to me is that I went from 118lbs to 103lbs BECAUSE of him, because he broke up with me, and now he feels bad and is trying to help??? Or still cares maybe??? or something???

 

Plus, given that we are broken up, he has no obligations to tell me where he is traveling or when ... and yet on Monday (before this package came), I get a message that he is at the airport heading to New York for the week, and that he thinks his next project assignment after this week will be in another city. And I am left whirling in confusiong wondering, why are you telling me? Because you still care and are warming up to the idea of getting back together? Because you know how much your travel strained the growth of our relationship and knows it will hurt me because my last ex lived in NY (we saw each other on weekends) and cheated on me with 5 different people from there, so whenever he travelled there, I was always apprehensive. When I got the meat shipment on Wednesday, I had to text him to say, l appreciate the thoughtfulness of this but its really difficult to truly appreciate it when I feel like 2 days ago you randomly, out of the blue told me your travel schedule, and I can't think why you would do that for any other reason than knowing that it hurt me in the past. To which he responded, I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything by it I was just updating you on my day/week.

 

I just left it alone and didn't hassle him about it, it would only make him angry and slight the chances of us working things out, and LUCKILY for some reason it DIDN'T hurt me this time to hear he was going to NY. Maybe because we are broken up (but not likely) or maybe because I am emotionally overwhelmed already, I wouldnt even be able to tell if this added to the heap (more likely), or on the off chance my ex before this one had been down here from NY the weekend before and we happened to run into each other at a party, and after many hours of avoiding the elephant in the room, I finally walked over and playfully tipped his baseball cap and said, did you think you could avoid me for ever cheater? Come on, we are all adults here, water under the bridge. We talked for a little bit, and eventually I asked, "what did you think you were doing then, running around on me like that when you told everyone you knew I was the best thing that ever happened to you?" I don't think the answer mattered much, whatever it was, I think for some reason just being so far removed from that time a year and a half ago, and being able to now just ask him, with no hostility, that maybe it gave me the closure I needed to stop HATING and fearing NY, the place that in my head was a monstrous place full of immoral people that disrepected other's relationships (mine) as well as their own. So, my current ex's NY trip hasn't devastated me luckily, but I have that random text, and random communications, and a guilt delivery of half a farm worth of meat and I am left with "what the hell am I supposed to discern all this as?! What does this mean?!"

 

And I can't help but think, if I open one of those steak boxes to cook one, what do I think is going to happen, I am not dumb ... I will start crying, end up needing a xanax, while I stand over the grill or stove cooking that steak and marinating it with tears and pain. He flys home today ... and I feel lost, I know there will be a text if not today, at somepoint this weekend, or a possible invite to "hang" out (as that is where our conversations had been alluding to, hanging out sometime in the coming weeks). All my anxiety gets enhanced because i feel like i am stuck in this "I have to keep hope and faith, because if I don't I will lose him" vs "he is never coming back and this is going to kill you or push you to hurting yourself more, you need to just stop caring, stop loving, stop trying to fix, and stop wanting him, you are only feeding his ego and you know it."

 

I hate Fridays, and now I am in tears again, because every Friday is the start of three days of misery where I just want Monday to come back so I can at least have work to focus on. I don't want to cry anymore...luckily I work remotely from home on Fridays, because I'm a wreck now.

Edited by ImASadPanda
Posted

Hey sadpanda....

 

You know the things he's doing is to boost his ego. This guy loves the fact that you are hurting so much over him. Don't let him get away with that. You know how strong you are.

 

I believe in second chances, but only if both people take a hard look at themselves. Your ex needs to take a really hard look tho. If he doesn't admit his anger issues and his emotional immaturity stay far away from him. I know the pain I've caused my ex, and I haven't done half the stuff your ex got away with. The stuff your ex got away with is horrible. I would never even think about doing the stuff your ex did. He seriously needs counseling and if he doesnt think he needs to, please stay away from him and move on. Counseling has helped me so much, but the thing that helped me the most is the fact I am willing to practice what I've learned. Doing research on my behaviors on my own. That's the key thing, doing the work and research on your own without anybody telling you. Can your ex do that? Will he do that? I doubt it. To me, it seems he thinks he's always right. Childish too.

 

I know how bad it must feel that everybody here is telling you to run away from him. It must seem like your feelings aren't being validated. It's okay to feel how you do, it just means you are a true human being that cares and respects others. Something your ex is not!

 

So, keep trying to move on and heal and don't read into anything your ex is doing. Unless he flat out takes responsibility for all his terrible actions then shows you through months of counseling that he's willing to change. This guy owes you big time.

 

Counseling isn't the only thing he needs to do. He needs to show remorse and guilt. He needs to understand the pain he's caused, the wrong he's done. He needs to show you through actions.

 

My guess is he won't do any of that. so, if I were you I'd cut all contact with him. Communicating with him will only validate his current behavior.

 

Good luck!

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)

You are dealing with exactly the same behaviors that everyone faces when we are being strung along. The details might be different, in your case you're getting shipments of food and he's telling you his travel plans, other people are still welcomed to have sex with their ex and then can't figure out why they aren't getting back together, it's all the same category of behavior.

 

I feel that you again are missing some opportunities to start taking your power back, and you are already upset about how much of it you have lost. He is still kind of treating you like a child. If I were in your shoes when I got that shipment of food I would have said "thanks but I'm an adult I can feed myself, I don't need favors from you right now. I'll leave the package outside if you'd like to use them yourself".

 

Can I ask, not trying to be condescending, but how was your relationship with your parents? You don't have to answer publicly with a reply, just think about it for yourself. Because I almost sense some sort of "daddy" or authority issue here. You sound like a self made, successful person, yet for some reason you are dying to get back into this relationship where someone wants to tell you how to dress and behave, and now you're kinda going along with the little scraps he is throwing you while broken up, accepting packages from him, thinking about cooking the food. You should be pissed off and throwing these things out the window.

 

I'll restate a few things I said in my first reply. I think there's a good chance that this guy will want to get back together eventually, even moreso now that you shared this story about how he is sending you pizzas and trying to take care of you. The problem is I wish you'd see that getting back together is NOT the victory that you think it is. I think it will happen if you allow it to, and I'm worried that you're not going to change your mind soon enough. Is that really what you want right now, or are you at least starting to entertain the idea that maybe you should never get back together? Because as things stand right now, I think he will let you suffer for a little while longer, and as long as he doesn't meet anyone else while you're separated, he will be back. And if you don't do enough thinking, you are going to run back and you are going to feel so amazing and happy that you got your relationship back, and in a matter of days or weeks you'll be kicking yourself wondering why this is even what you wanted.

 

And I still think you should be the one to put your foot down and stop the contact. Sorry if this next part sounds harsh, but stop trying to sound so helpless. Too many dumpees who still get crumbs of attention act like they have no control over it. You can right now decide that you don't need any attention from someone who dumps you and treats you like this. You control your phone, your email, and everything else, so don't try to make it sound like you keep trying to shut the proverbial door but he keeps barging through. Every form of communication has privacy controls these days, you could have him cut off in ten seconds.

 

This one-foot-in-one-foot-out thing IS going to drive you crazy. What you've been feeling about it so far is totally normal. It drives people mad when they are still in love with someone, and that person won't be decisive enough to either reenter the relationship, or commit to ending it.

 

The best thing you could do is tell him no more, it's too late, let's both move on, and goodbye. From the sound of it, I don't think you'll have the strength to do that right now, so I might take more of a middle-of-the-road approach and tell him that you want no more contact, no more gifts, until he decides whether or not he can love you again. This will cut all the stupidity out of the situation, all the torture of still talking to him, and just boil it down to some very simple conditions. He can contact you when he is ready to get back together, and if he never comes around to feeling that way, then he should not contact you ever again. This is still kind of flawed because I don't think you should be leaving any door open for this guy at all, but it will work well enough for now. You have to protect yourself from the pain of all this wishy washy stuff. People are not supposed to talk and send each other gifts after breaking up. If you decide to end it with someone, you suck it up and move on and let them heal. If you keep going along with how he is treating you, he will have NO reason to hurry up and decide. You are basically telling him in bright flashing letters that it is okay to dump you, send you packages, and lead you on while he decides.

 

You have so much power staring you in the face just waiting for you to take it again, but you're letting him take it all and you're acting helpless. You have to try to put some faith in the people who are not directly involved in this situation and can see it for what it is, because frankly it seems like after all the thoughtful replies people left for you, you just went right back to square one and made another reply about "he's calling me, he's sending me stuff, it's driving me crazy, how can I survive this". We've tried telling you what to do. Tell him he can contact you when he is ready to commit and that's it. It's really that simple. And hopefully in the time that he's gone you'll come to realize you don't want this guy back anyway, and you can just block him permanently. But for now tell him to man up and commit to his decision, you guys broke up and aren't just going to maintain some pseudo relationship/friendship now. Tell him to go on his business trips and to enjoy himself and to leave you alone and give each other some time to think. You will totally shift the dynamic of this situation by showing that you are going to set some of the guidelines. Right now you are just sitting around waiting for him to dictate what is going to happen, and he is loving it. Start calling some of the shots. Don't ask him to leave you alone, tell him. At least for the period of time that he is going out of town, if not longer. Tell him you need to leave each other alone for a while and that he needs to make up his mind. Tell him packages will be returned to sender and calls and texts will not be answered, and that if he really cares, he'll understand.

 

If you're unwilling to put any of these ideas into action then I think you just want him to have the control and you want to be helpless. If you want him back so badly that you are willing to endure this torture, then just keep going. I think if you ride out the rollercoaster for a few weeks, he'll probably take you back, and you can have this miserable relationship back if you really want it. Accept his gifts, deal with the on and off contact, and eventually some day he'll realized he has you trained enough to give the relationship a second chance. Or find your backbone and start feeling better about yourself.

 

Or if you wanted to have a little fun with the situation you should ask him how he feels if someone asks you out on a date while he's out of town. You are single after all. A box of steaks doesn't change that.

Edited by Exit
  • Author
Posted

I don't take anything you say harshly... in all honestly I am beyond angry and disappointed with myself ... I've watched this going on for a year, and for some reason let myself be convinced that this was just ok and how it was supposed to be and maybe it was all me. Maybe I was too independent, and maybe a needed to be more feminine in terms of not chasing a career as something I wanted more than to be wife and have a family or something.

 

I tell myself to cut him off, I tell myself I am going to get hurt if I wait around, because he may find someone else, while I am choosing not to date, or really even go out to the party/bar scene because I honestly am tired of dating. I like relationships, I love being a support and other half to someone else. The last thing I want to do is start the whole process over again ... you know, where you have practically the same first 3 dates with every guy you try, that you might as well set up a recording to go through all the same crappy conversation over and over.

 

I'm not mad that you, or any of you think I am being helpless, because I am... I see all these opportunities to stand up for myself, or to make him realize how much of an ass he has been, how he has ruined me with his self-centeredness... and I am angry at myself that I can't do it. I think someone's post yesterday was right, I might not want him, I know he hurts me, but this feeling of rejection and failure... I don't fail, this is not acceptable to me... but I had been thinking that we didn't fit well since the 2nd month we were dating ... and I told him a few weeks before we broke up, in one of our arguments, where I was crying on the bed, that I had been thinking of leaving him the prior three months and that the reason I was still there was because I believed in him, and that he could be the good person I KNOW he can be to me. He is that person for EVERYONE else. And that I had faith that he would eventually be able to be that person and I wouldn't just abandon him like.

 

Part of why this is so hard is because I feel like I am becoming two people, the one that KNOWS what i bring to the table, that he is controlling this whole situation, that he didn't value all the sacrifices I made to make him happy, around his schedule, and that I stopped truly loving him a long time ago because he had controlled and hurt me so much that I simply cared out of obligation, not to give up on him or leave him. The other part of me that swears I love him, and that tells me to do everything I can to get him back because there is hope for the dreams we had, and the houses we looked at and the dog we have been talking about getting ... that I can have all that and this is just God or the universe or something testing to see if I am truly willing to fight for this, or if I will abandon it.

 

Believe me when I say I am trying desperately not to contact him. Wednesday was the last contact, because of the omaha delivery. Nothing yesterday, nothing today so far. I almost expect there to be a a message when he is at the airport... because that's when he misses me, because I use to always pick him up... and he doesn't have that anymore.

 

I did make the moves to exchange all our stuff... but in the hurry I was in throwing all his crap in the bag, I grabbed two boxes which I thought were the necklace and bracelet he got me, but instead one of the boxes was a necklace I had gotten myself 5 years ago (same blue box, easily confused). He let me know last week, and I think it almost hurt him because he thought it was from a prior relationship from a different guy, but it was actually the opposite, I got myself that necklace to cheer me up when that boyfriend and I broke up at the time.

 

So even if I don't respond to him, I do want my necklace back... but everything else has been exchanged as of last week on attempt #2 to tell him no more, this hurts too much we are done.

 

Regarding your questions about my parents ... it honestly is a touch call to agree or disagree with what you said. I lost my father when I was one years old, so never really had any feelings about that, its just normal, and my relationship with my mother had been fine always because I was the prodigal child. I did all my chores, was OCD about keeping my room clean, would even clean my brothers room, and I took care of myself very well. Its not that my mom didn't ... I just have always been very self-efficient even at 4 years old. I think I can admit that I do want to feel safe in a loving relationship where I know the other person is as committed to not ever abandoning the relationship as I am, but I don't think I have an authority or daddy issue... but who knows?

 

I do want to do what you are saying, I have attempted to close the door, and yes, I have done a poor job of it, because I am scared of closing that door with that kind of black and white attitude about it, because that means I have to accept that by doing that, I have to be ok in the event he chooses not to come back, and I forced the decision. But the longer this goes on, and the more I read from you all the more I want to just say, look, you know how I feel, but I can't do this on my own, and I don't want to communicate anymore because it only makes us linger in this grey area. So you can contact me me, but only if you figure out no only that you want this, but what you contributed to ruining it and what you have to do to help fix it... and if that is not what you want, then do not contact me ever again.

 

My fear in doing that... is he has always reacted HORRIBLY to me saying things like that. He quite literally has ended conversations, walked out of doors, told me I have 5 seconds to say something to change his mind or this is over ... if I give him an ultimatum he will immediately feel attacked and either attack back, or tell me "that is why he doesnt want to be with me ... I am too confrontational and harsh with him." When I say I feel paralyzed ... this is what I mean ... I have feelings about what I want to do, or should do, but I am paralyzed because I know I will end up closing doors and windows and communication lines if I say one wrong thing ... and I'm scared to do it. Scared to breath, scared to move, scared to take pictures off of facebook (yes I did defriend him two weeks ago already, but he can still see pics he is tagged in), scared to post a "status" of how I feel, pictures of me with other people ... scared that anything I do could permanently close the door.

 

And I know, I know, this is not the relationship I think it is, I am holding onto dreams and a shell of a relationship that looks beatuiful on the outside ... I know, Im so sorry I seem so weak, I do know it and accept it, I am horrible for being this weak, I just can't accept the idea of giving up on him, on abandoning him and not holding onto and proving my faith and loyalty to seeing things through, rather than just running away from it because its not ideal, not dealing with the problems. He is killing me, I am killing myself ... but at the same time, giving up on him, on this, on us, will kill me too because I wasn't good enough to fix it. It's just another failed relationship. This is the first relationship where i felt we were both on the same page, wanting to settle down, I had grown out of my party/want attention phase years ago, kinda actually had an outline for the things I wanted over the next 5 years, and found a man that seemed on the same page, and for ONCE i honestly believed would not be a cheater .... and I felt completely loyal to ... (I always knew the ones that would cheat so far ... this one ... different, in many ways, especially the emotional stuff... but felt confident he wouldnt cheat) and to me, that's the most valuable thing I have felt ... cheating was the only ultimate "crime" in a relationship that did not deserve a chance or working through, and that if that was not part of this relationship, then we could absolutely work every other thing out ... but we couldn't stop arguing, he couldn't stop controlling me, and I couldnt stop telling him I didn't want to be controlled ... and we fought, and fought and fought until we were emotionally exhausted ...

 

I'm sorry, I know I feel like I am jumping all over the place in various streams of thought, and I know I can't play the victim, or be helpless ... I just want to not feel paralyzed, I want to feel like its ok because I still have time to find someone else to start a life with, I want to not feel scared to make a single move because any step I make could still set him off or close a door that I may want closed, but am not ready to close myself yet ... I don't know ...

 

This is pathetic, I am on my couch, with my dog, and the tv, and in bummy house clothes, with no plans to go out tonight or really this weekend, because I can't bring myself to find purpose in anything else. I try to STOP the thinking about him, and it does, my mind just wont shut up and its pushing me so far ... I just want it to stop, please. He doesn't deserve me, and yet he DOESNT even see that, that i have been the best gf he has had, you couldn't get a more girl that checked more of the boxes on the "must have" list ... but because he is so caught up in himself, and how much of a catch he believe HE is ... he doesnt even realize that this broken little shell of a person has spent a year crushing herself to try to please him, and give him everything he wanted, as well as what I wanted for US and our future ... but with both of us focusing on him, and me focusing on him and us ... nobody was focusing on or looking out for me and my needs.

 

Gosh dammit, I want it all to stop and just go away. This isn't who I am and I've never been like this in breakups, this one is killing me for some reason, like it was my last chance...

 

You are dealing with exactly the same behaviors that everyone faces when we are being strung along. The details might be different, in your case you're getting shipments of food and he's telling you his travel plans, other people are still welcomed to have sex with their ex and then can't figure out why they aren't getting back together, it's all the same category of behavior.

 

I feel that you again are missing some opportunities to start taking your power back, and you are already upset about how much of it you have lost. He is still kind of treating you like a child. If I were in your shoes when I got that shipment of food I would have said "thanks but I'm an adult I can feed myself, I don't need favors from you right now. I'll leave the package outside if you'd like to use them yourself".

 

Can I ask, not trying to be condescending, but how was your relationship with your parents? You don't have to answer publicly with a reply, just think about it for yourself. Because I almost sense some sort of "daddy" or authority issue here. You sound like a self made, successful person, yet for some reason you are dying to get back into this relationship where someone wants to tell you how to dress and behave, and now you're kinda going along with the little scraps he is throwing you while broken up, accepting packages from him, thinking about cooking the food. You should be pissed off and throwing these things out the window.

 

I'll restate a few things I said in my first reply. I think there's a good chance that this guy will want to get back together eventually, even moreso now that you shared this story about how he is sending you pizzas and trying to take care of you. The problem is I wish you'd see that getting back together is NOT the victory that you think it is. I think it will happen if you allow it to, and I'm worried that you're not going to change your mind soon enough. Is that really what you want right now, or are you at least starting to entertain the idea that maybe you should never get back together? Because as things stand right now, I think he will let you suffer for a little while longer, and as long as he doesn't meet anyone else while you're separated, he will be back. And if you don't do enough thinking, you are going to run back and you are going to feel so amazing and happy that you got your relationship back, and in a matter of days or weeks you'll be kicking yourself wondering why this is even what you wanted.

 

And I still think you should be the one to put your foot down and stop the contact. Sorry if this next part sounds harsh, but stop trying to sound so helpless. Too many dumpees who still get crumbs of attention act like they have no control over it. You can right now decide that you don't need any attention from someone who dumps you and treats you like this. You control your phone, your email, and everything else, so don't try to make it sound like you keep trying to shut the proverbial door but he keeps barging through. Every form of communication has privacy controls these days, you could have him cut off in ten seconds.

 

This one-foot-in-one-foot-out thing IS going to drive you crazy. What you've been feeling about it so far is totally normal. It drives people mad when they are still in love with someone, and that person won't be decisive enough to either reenter the relationship, or commit to ending it.

 

  • Author
Posted

I did it.

 

Its done. I told him I needed to talk and couldnt let this linger any longer ...

 

we talked, i heard what I needed to, I said i wanted the one necklace I left over there back. Planned for sunday, then i messaged him and said i am not going to let you ruin another two days of my life, wrecking my mind and my happiness, I am coming to get it now so I know that tonight is the last night I will ever have to think of you again.

 

I went and got it.

 

I'm home. I can't think. I can't feel, except for the pain in my chest that I get from anxiety that feels like a heart attack. I can cry ... I am crying, but feel numb and empty ... This won't be long, because I can't think ... and feel numb, but know I hurt like I just ripped my own heart out, which is essentially what I did ... i forced the situation to an end ...

 

I can't feel or think, I need to lay down ... I can't be like this ... I need to calm down and just lay here in my bed, with my computer, and try to figure out how to keep being alive after this... I want to feel nothing right now, and nothing is going to give me that ... so i will lay here quietly and pray for peace of heart and mind.

Posted

Listen, you are going to be all right. You just have to go through the hellish pain. Just breathe deeply, as I said- in through the nose and out through the mouth. Do it slowly and you will be okay.

Posted

I bet there are many voices in your head right now trying to convince you otherwise, but you absolutely did the right thing. No question about it. Not only did you say you wanted to finalize everything, but when he told you to wait until Sunday, you realized that would mean two more days of agony, and instead told him you were coming tonight. I am really proud of you. I know you had to shut out a lot of the voices in your head that were trying to tell you to keep going along with his games just to hopefully get back with him, and I know you had to put a lot of faith in the advice you received here. All I can say is sometimes the best thing you can do in life is listen to those who have come before you, and myself and a few others have definitely been in your shoes before and made every mistake in the book. I am absolutely not the type to tell someone what to do in a situation that is totally foreign to me. I consider myself humble to a fault and I'll be the first to admit when I have no idea what I'm talking about. Your story exhibited too many signs of being exactly the same as what I and many others went through.

 

The road you decided to take is not a quick path to ending the pain. I never meant to misguide you by saying if you did these things you would feel better immediately. But the difference is, continuing to play his game means dealing with agony that stays constant, never gets better. You would have been hurting the same amount, if not more, as the days of uncertainty went by. You are still hurting now, but the difference is, by making the choices you made, the pain will slowly start to improve. You may not see it now. Tomorrow you might wake up and even feel worse, you might think "oh my god what did I do, I could have waited until Sunday to see him, or I could have not said anything at all and still waited this out". You're gonna have to be strong during those times that you start to doubt yourself again.

 

I promise you, you have chosen to take the path through this situation that involves a lot less pain. And you may not be totally convinced of that now, but whenever you finally start to feel better, I think you will know that you made the right decision tonight, and you made this decision much earlier than the rest of us.

 

Frankly I was surprised to come back to this thread and read what I did. I was getting ready to lighten up on you a bit, because today I was thinking about all the times I didn't listen to peoples' advice and kept on chasing my ex, and I realized some times we just need to keep screwing up and getting hurt as many times as it takes us to figure it out on our own. Keep touching the hot stove until we realize we get burned. But you decided to suck it up and do the right thing, even if you weren't totally convinced it was right. I'm starting to see why you're a successful person in life, because you find the guts to do what needs to be done.

 

Do NOT let the voices in your head start to convince you that you're the one who put the nail in the coffin of this relationship by acting the way you did. Remember that the relationship was over when he broke up with you, not the other way around. He was not willing to stay together in the relationship and work through the problems, he stepped out of the circle, not you. All you did was decide to stand up for yourself and not be tortured with teases of getting back together for the next few weeks or months. Do not feel like the bad guy for standing up for yourself. It is perfectly acceptable to go above and beyond to save a relationship that is still a relationship. In your case, it has been over since the moment he said it was, and just because you care for him does not mean you are obligated to put up with any BS from that point forward. Doing so would mean you were continuing to be the only one fighting for the relationship, the same way you felt during the relationship itself. Tonight you decided to quit fighting for this on your own while he watched from a distance. Always remind yourself when you start feeling any doubt, you were absolutely willing to work on this together. That is all you owe a relationship. You do not need to fight for it alone while someone else remains undecided.

 

There's a small chance this might not be the end of everything. By doing what you did, you showed him that you have a backbone and you deserve respect, and that you're tired of doing this on your own. If he were to ever come back, he would have learned an important lesson, and you'll have a lot more power to negotiate a fair and cooperative relationship. If you had kept going down the road you were going down, begging and offering to do anything it takes to get back with him, then he would have come back in an entirely different fashion, with 100% of the power, and it would have spelled disaster for you. You would have been back to running back and forth before work so you could spend a few hours with him, and I think in a matter of days you would have regretted getting back together with him. Now you have leveled the playing field. You have sent a clear message that you deserve respect and consideration too. This very well could spell the end of this person in your life, he may now realize that you have a backbone and see you as too much of a challenge, and move on to weaker prey. Or he may get it through his head that you are a human being with thoughts and feelings, and he can either take you as you are and get his act together, or he can continue to move on as a single man, the decision he made in the first place.

 

The most important thing now is to not forfeit the momentum you gained tonight, don't cave in during a weak moment and decide to text him in the next few days, don't apologize for what you did or anything of the sort, or he will realize that your new found confidence was just a fluke, a few minutes that you managed to stand up for yourself. It is utterly important to maintain the silence now. You sent a strong message tonight and you need to let him soak it in. I guarantee you that you shifted a lot of the power onto your side of the playing field tonight. If you never hear from him again it means he realized you aren't the woman that he is going to manipulate for the rest of his life. If you ever do hear from him again, maybe it means he's ready to play fair instead of treating you like he did.

 

This is not the end of the world. Ride out the next couple days renting movies or spending time with friends or family. Get your support system around you. If you don't have a lot available to you right now, then be your own best friend, treat yourself to something, if you still struggle to have an appetite then try making smoothies, it's much easier to drink something when stressed out than to sit down to a plate of food. Let him go off on his trip to New York, you can at least survive long enough to let him go do that. You guys need the time apart. If your nervous energy is too much to handle the next few days, throw on some headphones and go for a walk, it works wonders. Let us know if you need anything. Write in a journal, don't write any letters that you'll be tempted to send but vent what you need to vent.

 

You totally hit a home run tonight and made the perfect move. You showed a lot of courage. I know it wasn't easy. Much like the last time I had contact with my ex and finally realized I needed to stop, it was not easy, but it was necessary for my sanity. If you maintain the course that you're on, it will slowly get better.

  • Author
Posted

Its not better this morning, its worse. I dreamed all night, and woke up in soaking wet cold sweats, and I've now been laying in my bed 47 minutes, already backtracking, crying hysterically.

 

I did message him last night when I got home ... there was a lot of BS of just "why's and how could you's and I was the best anyone could ever be to you" type stuff... but the end of the message said "I hope you sleep "peacefully" tonight, knowing that you are going to go to bed truly being alone and unloved for the first time ever since we met..."

 

My intentions and reason I went to get my necklace yesterday was exactly what I stated to him, I wanted yesterday to be the last night i ever had to think of him again, and instead, I dreamed about this mess all night and woke up drenched in sweat and spent the last 51 minutes I have been awake crying uncontrollably, already IDIOTICALLY instant messaged him

 

SadPanda

10:18 AM

Why did you do this to me ... why did i deserve this.

 

 

I was the best to you I could be and you still didn't care... you just let me be there, and didn't treat me like a valuable girlfriend when all I did was care about you ... I need answers I need something, you have absolutely broken me and I feel so trapped and stuck in emotional hell because of you and your selfishness.

 

 

I want to know why Bill. Why you think I didnt try my heart out and deserve to be loved back.

 

 

I know I know, I should not have messaged him at all ... I backslid already and showed weakness ... but I am so devastated by all this that I dont know what else to do then try to find the magic statement from him that will allow me to hate him and completely remove him from my life. I don't want to be in my apartment, or my company (we met through work, but never see each other because he is in a different division) I don't want to be in this city ... my hallways, my elevator, my apartment, the brand new houses two blocks out my front door are the houses we went to look at that he said "this is our house, I can feel it" ... this city, everything causes pain and I want to run away from here or want him to disappear. He deserves to die for treating me like this, no one has ever been able to break me down, no one, not a single relationship, and this ... this was it for me, I thought this was going to be the rest of my life, and this relationship killed me and the person I am ... I feel pathetic and crazy for letting this destroy me like this because I know better .... I know better than to be like this and yet I can't stop it. I don't know how to get out of this bed or go see my horse or find a way to be social, I feel like I want to just lay hear and die in this bed because life is too hard for me to cope with. I have tried for 27 years and I can't seem to cope happily with the ups and downs of life ... i feel like I am gonna snap, How can one person have f*cked me up this badly ... I wish nothing but failure and sadness and for him to be alone the rest of his life so he realizes the person that he is, is not a good person... he destroyed someone that used to be beautiful and happy inside and out, and instead of loving me, he crushed it and took it away from the rest of the world to enjoy.

 

I can't figure out what to do with myself, I am just laying here. I have been so comatose that my sheets and pillow cases have been in the dryer for a week, because I cant even bring myself to put them on the bed, so I have just been sleeping with the comforter ... I can't even do the normal daily things I need to do and I f*cking hate it ... I feel ruined, he ruined this and I can't figure out how to get it back... I dont want to live like this ... he stole a year of my life, and my love that I can NEVER get back...

Posted

Cut. All. Contact.

If you've wrapped up your business with him, then make it impossible for you to contact him. Make it so you will be completely unaware of any attempts at contact he might make with you. (An easy way of doing this is blocking his number/profile everywhere). If you can do so, make it impossible for you to contact him as well. Do not speak to this person again. I've read every single one of your posts - he is not worthy of your efforts.

 

At this point, it's probably extremely hard on you - you'll initially feel worse than you had - I know the same feeling as a perfectionist dumped in a relationship where I put in all the effort. What you need to do is focus on your life. If you need to, make lists of things that need done and focus on doing them. Do not leave yourself any time at all to think about him or any other aspect of the dead relationship. Get more exercise, reach goals you set for yourself, spend more time with friends or hobbies - don't let yourself waste any time at all. It seems you tried to do a lot of things to submit to his manipulations and controlling behavior - undo those by going through your life and renewing all of your interests and acting as you are comfortable. Oh, an odd suggestion: I found moving some furniture around to make the house better lit and cleaning up my surroundings was good exercise, time consuming, took my focus and made me a lot more positive after having taken control of my own environment again.

Posted

Panda, from everything you've posted so far I have no doubt you will be alright in a few weeks/months. Just the fact that you've accomplished so much career wise -- not to mention the cool history channel/South Park type stuff -- will make you appealing to guys who aren't insane with anger issues.

 

The pain you are feeling right now is normal, and entirely justified. Just don't be so hard on yourself for waiting too long to get out of the relationship, or for breaking NC and showing "weakness". You're a lot stronger than you currently give yourself credit for.

 

Above all, keep posting. We'll be here to support you.

  • Author
Posted

Today has been as bad as the day he broke up with me if not worse. Woke up from dreams and cold sweat and laid here for an hour, writing that post earlier... til around 11am, then make myself sleep until 6pm, then literally have been wandering back and forth through my apartment like a crazy ghost or something, just wailing and crying mostly on the couch, and mentally bargaining with myself over how to try and fix this still ... what is wrong with me ... rational me knows he will treat me like crap and emotional me says it doesnt matter if he treats you like crap, at least you have a picture perfect relationship on the outside, even if its an empty shell of a sham.

 

I don't know how to stop this ... I thought for a minute to go to the barn today to ride my horse, and I couldnt bring myself to do it (he is a lease and he is a mean spirited SOB and I hate him, but I love riding so I endure him) ... and now I can only imagine if I had gone ... I just found out that another horse in the barn that I do love, my friends horse, got kicked and a broken leg and had to be put down. Now I am trying to support my friend, when I can't even support myself.

 

I try and look a few months ahead and all i can see is me still laying in this bed, that I still havent put sheets on for a week, with this comforter, my mattress pad, my doggy, my meds and my tears that I can't seem to stop. I literally am starting to question my sanity and if I should check myself into a hospital ... I feel like I should be coping with this a lot better after 7 weeks. My friend broke up with her boyfriend the same week and she is out partying and having dates and 'relations' and seems as happy as can be ... and I am sitting here thinking this is not normal, I should be processing and handling this better ... and God I want to be in a hospital and put on meds to just sleep a few days or weeks so I cant feel this, or be able to go see a therapist but that will screw my career ... I can't figure this out ... I want him and I know I shouldnt. I want to go on a date with someone else but I know that it wouldn't be fair to anyone to just go on dates to try to distract myself when I am not emotionally available. I dont want to be a b*itch to some poor undeserving guy and just use him as an excuse to take my mind off of things... that's what screws men up... ass hat women who dont care about their feelings either... this is how I got what I ended up with I am sure ... and now I am rambling. I promised myself only one glass of wine tonight ... and to try to let the prescriptions do this on their own ... but honestly, I don't think they are strong enough, and that is why I had been adding all the extras... like I said, at 103lbs, I've taken enough crap to drop an elephant in nights prior, and still laid wide awake until 5am ... but Im trying just the two meds and 1 glass of wine tonight ... I have to find some control ... and I feel like I am going to slide into a dark place I can't get back from if I can't find something healthy to control in my life instead of keep pushing my med tolerance and keep letting myself lose weight, as though to see how far my body can go before it shuts down.

 

I just can't imagine finding the next person I felt this way about, or tried so hard for ... yes I know, I have found the next one after every break up so far, so I should know it will happen again ... but it changed this time... I actually saw a future for the first time and he somehow had a control over me that I never even saw coming ... it snuck in with making me eat certain things, and take certain vitamins, ... i thought it was caring... but it was controlling, and now I dont know how to control my own life again.

 

Stopping for a while ... will see if I can fall asleep. Wondering if there is online chat counseling that isn't traceable...

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