frozensprouts Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 a couple of questions for men ( as i am not a man, but i am interested to hear what men think) (a) this may sound like a dumb question, but can a man ever have sex but not, on some level, enjoy it? (b) does it matter to you if your spouse/significant other is having sex with you purely because they feel it's their 'duty' as your spouse/significant other, or is them also wanting to equally important to you? I know most men aren't 'pigs' and the second option would be ideal,but if that can't happen, for whatever reason, would you be okay with your spouse having sex with you out of a sense of 'duty' or because even if they didn't want to, they know you do and they love you and want you to be happy? © are you willing to go without sex ( or the sex you want) with your spouse if you know that they really are trying to make changes in themselves and the marriage so the sex can be more frequent/the type you want, etc? ( by type I mean that they be more interested and participate more in sex and not have it be a "one way street') to be fair, if you are female, please feel free to answer those questions as a female For all... if a spouse is unable to have sex ( not unwilling, as if they are never willing to have sex that seems like an indicator of some awfully big issues in the marriage that go way beyond sex) what options do you think should be available to the spouse who wants sex? An open marriage -not cheating, as both spouse would agree to it beforehand-, sex with a 'professional' for release, etc? lastly...do men and women really view sex that differently? Maybe i am silly, but I like to think of sex as a loving act that bonds two people together and makes both of them happy...mind you, for a long time i didn't feel that way, due to past experiences, I really viewed it as something a man wanted just because he wanted it and he didn't care how i felt ( at best) or at worst, as an attack. For a long time my husband didn't understand that..I tried to tell him, but he didn't understand- not for lack of trying, but one he understood how much I'd been hurt, he really took his time to be kind and gentle, and I tried to see it from his point of view, that he wanted sex with me because he loved me and not because he didn't care or because he wanted to hurt me...it took a while, but things got sooo much better. ( I apologize for any and all spelling mistakes in this...i'm using our piss arsed little netbook to type, and it's a pain in the rear)
SoMovinOn Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 I can only speak for me, but ... (a) this may sound like a dumb question, but can a man ever have sex but not, on some level, enjoy it? No. If I'm not into it, it ain't happening (b) does it matter to you if your spouse/significant other is having sex with you purely because they feel it's their 'duty' as your spouse/significant other, or is them also wanting to equally important to you? The only way I enjoy sex is if she is enjoying it. If she's doing it out of some sense of duty, or to appease me or whatever, she's not enjoying it and neither am I. Even if we've already started, if it's not working, I'd prefer to just quit. Sometimes you (or she), thinks you're in the mood, and you're not. That's fine. © are you willing to go without sex ( or the sex you want) with your spouse if you know that they really are trying to make changes in themselves and the marriage so the sex can be more frequent/the type you want, etc? ( by type I mean that they be more interested and participate more in sex and not have it be a "one way street') I wouldn't get married for sex, so ... if there's some reason why sex wouldn't work for us, I'd be fine without it. However, if the lack of sex is a symptom or indicator of other problems between us - those need to be fixed. if a spouse is unable to have sex ( not unwilling, as if they are never willing to have sex that seems like an indicator of some awfully big issues in the marriage that go way beyond sex) what options do you think should be available to the spouse who wants sex? Depends on what works for them. For me, I'd be fine without it. lastly...do men and women really view sex that differently? Generally, yes, although, men require more attention and affection (not sex) than most people realize.
futal Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 There are times when I'm tired and stressed from work and I don't feel like having sex. But if my wife is in the mood, I still have sex with her to make her happy. As a man, I feel its my duty (willing duty) to please my wife. (I'd rather do that then notice a strange number on her cell phone or a her taking 2 hour trip to the convenient store) If there is something that prevents you from having sex, you need to talk to your spouse and find a way to make it enjoyable for both. Dont expect your partner to read your mind. Tell your spouse exactly what turns you on.
JamesM Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 a couple of questions for men ( as i am not a man, but i am interested to hear what men think) (a) this may sound like a dumb question, but can a man ever have sex but not, on some level, enjoy it? Yes and no. He can have some physical enjoyment and yet without the emotional enjoyment, it can feel empty. BTDT. (b) does it matter to you if your spouse/significant other is having sex with you purely because they feel it's their 'duty' as your spouse/significant other, or is them also wanting to equally important to you? I know most men aren't 'pigs' and the second option would be ideal,but if that can't happen, for whatever reason, would you be okay with your spouse having sex with you out of a sense of 'duty' or because even if they didn't want to, they know you do and they love you and want you to be happy? It matters, but it can happen once in awhile. If this becomes the norm (as in my case when we DO have sex) then no, it can seem like an obligation on my part too. If I don't want sex because she wants it to please me, then she is hurt. And if she only wants to do it to please me, then I feel cheated in that I don't have a wife who WANTS me and enjoys sex with me. © are you willing to go without sex ( or the sex you want) with your spouse if you know that they really are trying to make changes in themselves and the marriage so the sex can be more frequent/the type you want, etc? ( by type I mean that they be more interested and participate more in sex and not have it be a "one way street') Yes. This should be explained clearly to the spouse though. if a spouse is unable to have sex ( not unwilling, as if they are never willing to have sex that seems like an indicator of some awfully big issues in the marriage that go way beyond sex) what options do you think should be available to the spouse who wants sex? An open marriage -not cheating, as both spouse would agree to it beforehand-, sex with a 'professional' for release, etc? It would depend on the individuals involved. Some men would not want sex with anyone else. Others would feel resentful if they were caged in a marriage without sex. Most marriages without sex is not unable but unwillingness. lastly...do men and women really view sex that differently? I think so. But I am not a woman.
Radagast Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 a couple of questions for men ( as i am not a man, but i am interested to hear what men think) (a) this may sound like a dumb question, but can a man ever have sex but not, on some level, enjoy it? Certainly. The "pity f***" is a case in point. But more generally also. I was married for decades to a woman who did not enjoy sex. Due to relationship and physical factors (her weight gain, etc) I lost all attraction to her and no longer desired sex with her. Yet I knew that she considered my wanting to have sex with her as a marker of her own attractiveness, and relied on it for her self-esteem, and so for a while I desperately tried to regain attraction and desire for her by having sex with her even though I did not really want to. It was a terrible mistake. It did nothing to revive any desire on my part, and I'm sure my lack of desire was apparent to her (I struggled to maintain an erection and could not reach orgasm) and doubly damaging to her self-esteem. (b) does it matter to you if your spouse/significant other is having sex with you purely because they feel it's their 'duty' as your spouse/significant other, or is them also wanting to equally important to you? I know most men aren't 'pigs' and the second option would be ideal,but if that can't happen, for whatever reason, would you be okay with your spouse having sex with you out of a sense of 'duty' or because even if they didn't want to, they know you do and they love you and want you to be happy? It matters. In the beginning I felt she was "complying" because it would keep me in the relationship, and I was initially OK with that as I felt she'd been damaged by her sexual experiences with her ex-husband but would over time recover from that and enjoy sex with me, in the context of a safe, non-threatening relationship. I started to see sex as a mercy mission to try to "fix" her and when that did not happen I started to feel hurt and rejected: she neither desired me nor responded to my attempts to help her overcome her problems. © are you willing to go without sex ( or the sex you want) with your spouse if you know that they really are trying to make changes in themselves and the marriage so the sex can be more frequent/the type you want, etc? ( by type I mean that they be more interested and participate more in sex and not have it be a "one way street') I would have given my left testicle for that! I suggested counselling, either for her alone or for us as a couple, but she was unwilling. Later when I'd lost all desire and attraction and she asked why I no longer approached her sexually and I told her I'd lost desire and attraction and suggested we both work out more and try to find things we could do together I would happily have given that my best shot, but again she was unwilling and turned on me for being so shallow. if a spouse is unable to have sex ( not unwilling, as if they are never willing to have sex that seems like an indicator of some awfully big issues in the marriage that go way beyond sex) what options do you think should be available to the spouse who wants sex? An open marriage -not cheating, as both spouse would agree to it beforehand-, sex with a 'professional' for release, etc? I think this would depend on the individuals. With my ex-wife I used to masturbate to pornography a great deal because it was purely about physical release. In my current marriage I find my sexuality is entirely directed toward my wife. If I cannot have sex with her I simply do not desire it with another. If she was unable to have sex I would find other ways of physical intimacy with her, or if that was entirely out of the question then I would go without. If I were unable to provide her with the sex she needed I would discuss with her how best to address that. We would need to find something we were both comfortable with but I would not expect her sex life to have to end simply because I was unable to assist with that. lastly...do men and women really view sex that differently? I think that depends on the individual man and the individual woman. I think some men view sex very differently to some women, but I think that some men also view sex very differently to some other men, and some women to other women. I think the differences within the gender are at least as great as those between the genders. My wife and I for example hold very similar views on sex, but her views differ from many other women, and mine differ from many other men. In part cultural, in part individual. I don't think generalising across genders when it comes to sex is remotely helpful or enlightening. "Mars and Venus" is complete rubbish in my opinion.
carhill Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 (a) this may sound like a dumb question, but can a man ever have sex but not, on some level, enjoy it? Up until the period where our M became difficult, I would have thought the assertion ludicrous. I learned different. So, IME, possible but, for myself, a strong canary of unhealthiness in my psyche. (b) does it matter to you if your spouse/significant other is having sex with you purely because they feel it's their 'duty' as your spouse/significant other, or is them also wanting to equally important to you? IMO, sex is an expression of love, commitment and attraction, so 'duty' sex fails that test. People vary regarding their perspectives surrounding sex. Synergy of perspective is important, IME. I know most men aren't 'pigs' and the second option would be ideal,but if that can't happen, for whatever reason, would you be okay with your spouse having sex with you out of a sense of 'duty' or because even if they didn't want to, they know you do and they love you and want you to be happy? I would desire communication on that, to better understand our dynamic and whether it is healthy to continue. © are you willing to go without sex ( or the sex you want) with your spouse if you know that they really are trying to make changes in themselves and the marriage so the sex can be more frequent/the type you want, etc? ( by type I mean that they be more interested and participate more in sex and not have it be a "one way street') Only if we were in counseling regarding the issue and my spouse was expressing their love and commitment and attraction consistently in non-genital ways. Otherwise, bye-bye.
xxoo Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 (b) does it matter to you if your spouse/significant other is having sex with you purely because they feel it's their 'duty' as your spouse/significant other, or is them also wanting to equally important to you? I know most men aren't 'pigs' and the second option would be ideal,but if that can't happen, for whatever reason, would you be okay with your spouse having sex with you out of a sense of 'duty' or because even if they didn't want to, they know you do and they love you and want you to be happy? I'm a woman , but I feel that I can want sex with my partner for physical reasons (sexually aroused), emotional reasons (want to be as close to him as possible), or a combo of both. I wonder if men feel the same? Do men sometimes not feel so aroused, but desire sex for emotional closeness? Also, if your spouse is desiring sex for emotional closeness, but isn't actually sexually aroused, is that dismissed as "duty" sex?
carhill Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 Do men sometimes not feel so aroused, but desire sex for emotional closeness? I haven't heard that directly from other men but believe it is possible. For myself, emotional closeness *is* arousing, so it's rare that emotional intimacy does not lead to sexual arousal with someone I find sexually attractive, presumably a feature of one's spouse. Also, if your spouse is desiring sex for emotional closeness, but isn't actually sexually aroused, is that dismissed as "duty" sex? I wouldn't think of it as 'duty', rather making love, presuming my spouse wished to not only receive emotional closeness but also to give it. For me it's all one and the same. I understand other people may separate out different facets. This is where synergy and compatibility are important, IMO. 1
xxoo Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 I wouldn't think of it as 'duty', rather making love, presuming my spouse wished to not only receive emotional closeness but also to give it. For me it's all one and the same. I understand other people may separate out different facets. This is where synergy and compatibility are important, IMO. Yes, give and receive emotional closeness. But what if she wishes to give sexual pleasure, but not feeling sexually aroused herself? Sometimes here, it seems that men want their wife to be "like a man" in this way, very turned on during sex, or else it doesn't count, and that is a difference I see between men and women. Women can desire the closeness of sex, and enjoy the act of sex, without ever feeling "horny" or getting anywhere near orgasm. I wonder what men feel about that kind of sex in marriage.
carhill Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 Not a problem for me. YMMV. I understand what you're talking about. For those men who are 'horny', that their wives make themselves available is really all they need. The sticky wicket is when the man forgets, either situationally or globally, the value of that, a potential very possible with repeated incidence. It becomes a 'habit'. 1
g450 Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 a)Well I have always said even bad sex is better than no sex. There have been times where I was literally red skinned and irritated but she wanted it so I gave it too her. I do love my wife and want her to be happy. Most women think us men are machines. We are not. There was one week where I had to tell her "baby I love you but I need a break for a few days". She understood. Apparenly I pulled something during anal but I wont get into details LOL. b)Honestly I have told my W that I do NOT want to have sex with her if she is not in the mood. My XW was never in the mood but sometimes I used to get desparate. I hated that feeling. It emasulated me. She made me feel dirty for wanting her body. My new wife is the polar opposit. If Im horny she feels like she is not doing her job unless she gets me off. Even if I tell her it's fine, we can do it another day. She values my needs and I value hers so it works out perfect. I no longer feel guilty for a quicky. She gets off by pleasing me even if she doesnt get her O. We are both cool with that. c)Very simple. I would do what she wanted to keep her happy. My XW was never happy and could go completely without sex. I actually would have stayed with her out of love and respect. But being in a sexless marriage showed me to have some love and respect for myself so ironically she did me a favor divorcing me. If my W could not have sex for some reason I would simply service myself or find a way for us to do it non-traditionally. There is always a way to have sex so I dont buy it not being possible on any level. I would NOT however have an open marriage. I am one of those people who actually meant their vows. Whats the point of saying them if you dont mean them? Sex if only a small part of a marriage but it is necessary. As others have noted though, if it was a case of being married to a woman who had sexual baggage and could not enjoy it no matter what then the only real option is to give her a way to fix herself or let her go. Life is too short for that selfish people. 1
maybealone Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 I am female, but since sex is one of the biggest reasons for my impending divorce, I thought I would chime in. (b) does it matter to you if your spouse/significant other is having sex with you purely because they feel it's their 'duty' as your spouse/significant other, or is them also wanting to equally important to you? Over the years, I have realized that it is very, very important to feel sexually desired by my spouse/SO. An occasional quickie to appease me would be okay, but not as the norm. © are you willing to go without sex ( or the sex you want) with your spouse if you know that they really are trying to make changes in themselves and the marriage so the sex can be more frequent/the type you want, etc? ( by type I mean that they be more interested and participate more in sex and not have it be a "one way street') I think I could have. In my case, he was quick to claim low sex drive, possible ED, and maybe even depression but would not do anything to get help. If he had been trying, I would have stuck around to see if things could have improved. if a spouse is unable to have sex ( not unwilling, as if they are never willing to have sex that seems like an indicator of some awfully big issues in the marriage that go way beyond sex) what options do you think should be available to the spouse who wants sex? An open marriage -not cheating, as both spouse would agree to it beforehand-, sex with a 'professional' for release, etc? Personally, I could not have gone with any of those options. If there ended up being a physical problem that prevented intercourse AND there was enough affection and desire shown in other ways, I likely would have accepted it. lastly...do men and women really view sex that differently? Maybe i am silly, but I like to think of sex as a loving act that bonds two people together and makes both of them happy... I think there are various forms of sex, from the need for an animalistic release to the bonding type of sex you mention. And in a good relationship, there would be both. A lot of both.
Author frozensprouts Posted July 30, 2012 Author Posted July 30, 2012 just to clarify... when I said 'unable to have sex" I didn't just mean due to some kind of 'female issue" ( endometriosis, fibroids, etc.), but also due to things like having to live apart due to employment, not being able to have sex due to acute illness , extreme emotional stress, etc.
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