jmjacobs31 Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 About 3 1/2 months ago my ex ended our 12 year relationship with a 10 minute conversation. He told me that he just wasn't happy and felt like we started to act move like roommates then a couple. He told me he went back and forth on the issue and decided we needed to break up. During our talks about dividing up property, animals, me moving out etc I tried to get some more reasons out of him so I could get closure. I told him I just wanted the truth so It would be easier for me to move on and said it may hurt me to hear you don't love me anymore, or want to date other girls but the truth will help me move on. I got nothing. He would not tell me anything. No reasoning why he wasn't happy, what I did wrong, why he didnt want to try and save our relationship... nothing! I feel like after spending 12 years with someone I deserve more then a 10 minute break up conversation. Sometimes I wonder if he even knows why he broke up with me, or I think he might have GIGS as I am the only girl he has even been with. Does closure really exist? I know I need to accept the fact that I am not going to ever get it but it just sucks! I am still sitting here wondering what the heck happened and it makes it hard to move on.
Ruby65 Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 I think it's pretty rare to get the truth from a dumper. The few times I've ended relationships I can't say I was honest, either. Mostly dumpers don't want to hurt your feelings, so they say vague platitudes like "I'm just not ready for a relationship" or "I need space." Usually it's more like "I'm just not attracted to you anymore" or "I'm not in love with you anymore" or "there's this girl at work I want to pursue"..... In all honesty I think breaking up is HARD and painful whether you get the truth from them or not. There's no reason why you can't heal and eventually move on without knowing the real reason for the split. Closure is really just another word for acceptance -- and that comes from you, from within, and takes time. Don't get stuck on this one point -- don't let it get in the way of your healing. Just curious -- 12 years seems like a long time to be in a relationship with someone, why weren't you guys married? Any clues as to his motives for the breakup there? 1
k100danny Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 I think closure is more a state of mind than an actual explanation. It's when you can close the book on that part of your life, sometimes people want reasons but the reason has already been stated and that reason is they don't want to be in the relationship anymore. I do think some people look for answers or as they call it the truth and say it is for closure but really they are hoping that it is fixable. I have heard people say i want you to tell me you don't love me anymore ect and that will give me closure which isn't the case I don't think. They are just clutching at straws. This is in no way anything bad and it's understandable why people do it but I do believe that there isn't one thing that gives you closure, one day you will think something, see your ex, or be told something and it will just be like a weight off your shoulders and you will know you have it. I remember during a previous break up I thought I had closure, I had been trying to stay in touch, trying to get her to change her mind ect and I saw her, one night she was out drunk and I could see in her eyes she cared but i also knew in that moment she wasn't the person for me, after I spoke to her that night I walked away and I felt FINE, for the first time in weeks i thought I'm tired now i just want to go to sleep and felt very releaxed. she changed this by coming to my house and telling me she love me and messing with my head and i have to say i hated her for that, I had what i needed to move on. We have since become friends and i have no reason whatsoever to even ask about our break up, of why it happened, id I do somethng wrong? is there something wrong with me. I just accept we weren't right. although while drunk she has brought up why didn't we work? was it my fault a few times but i really don't feel the need to discuss it now. I am also with the above poster, 12 years is a very long time, this would seem you would be in the final stage of a relationship, we all go through the obvious stages. attraction, idealization (honeymoon phase) , reality, commitment, marraige. well not everyone gets married but this usually comes after commitment, when you have seen each other truly for who you are and not who you want them to be. I am also wondering (not being nosey) but is this something you had discussed? I would like to think if i had stayed with someone 12 years i would know everything about them and would have made up my mind that this is my life partner. I havent been to this stage though so i can't pass judgement.
steveblack Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 I agree with both posters. Closure is on you. Nobody can give you closure besides yourself.
Author jmjacobs31 Posted July 27, 2012 Author Posted July 27, 2012 I think closure is more a state of mind than an actual explanation. It's when you can close the book on that part of your life, sometimes people want reasons but the reason has already been stated and that reason is they don't want to be in the relationship anymore. I do think some people look for answers or as they call it the truth and say it is for closure but really they are hoping that it is fixable. I have heard people say i want you to tell me you don't love me anymore ect and that will give me closure which isn't the case I don't think. They are just clutching at straws. This is in no way anything bad and it's understandable why people do it but I do believe that there isn't one thing that gives you closure, one day you will think something, see your ex, or be told something and it will just be like a weight off your shoulders and you will know you have it. I remember during a previous break up I thought I had closure, I had been trying to stay in touch, trying to get her to change her mind ect and I saw her, one night she was out drunk and I could see in her eyes she cared but i also knew in that moment she wasn't the person for me, after I spoke to her that night I walked away and I felt FINE, for the first time in weeks i thought I'm tired now i just want to go to sleep and felt very releaxed. she changed this by coming to my house and telling me she love me and messing with my head and i have to say i hated her for that, I had what i needed to move on. We have since become friends and i have no reason whatsoever to even ask about our break up, of why it happened, id I do somethng wrong? is there something wrong with me. I just accept we weren't right. although while drunk she has brought up why didn't we work? was it my fault a few times but i really don't feel the need to discuss it now. I am also with the above poster, 12 years is a very long time, this would seem you would be in the final stage of a relationship, we all go through the obvious stages. attraction, idealization (honeymoon phase) , reality, commitment, marraige. well not everyone gets married but this usually comes after commitment, when you have seen each other truly for who you are and not who you want them to be. I am also wondering (not being nosey) but is this something you had discussed? I would like to think if i had stayed with someone 12 years i would know everything about them and would have made up my mind that this is my life partner. I havent been to this stage though so i can't pass judgement. Thanks for giving me some things to think about. We were not married because he claims he doesn't want to be married/doesn't believe in marriage. This is something I knew early on in our relationship and just learned to accept. Our relationship was basically like a marriage with our the legality of it. We owned a house together, had many pets, I called his mom. mom and I am even his beneficiary on his life insurance. Our break up came as a surprise as I thought we would be together forever which is why I am probably looking for some reasons to what happened. Thanks for your advice its really got me thinking!
Eddie Edirol Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 Whatever the reasons are, based on what you said, reasons like everything he liked about you at the beginning of your relationship he probably doesnt like anymore. He could want a younger fit woman, more adventurous, different personality, whatever. probably everything. If you are the only woman he has had a real relationship with, he probably feels like he can do better, since he had no luck before you. Just so you know, since you are his only woman, he probably wont have any luck with any women for a while, andwill come looking for you when his discovery doesnt work. Im just speculating here, but you can take or give somethings based on what you know about him and your relationship. For instance, I was in a relationship with a woman when I decided to start getting fit. She had no interest in this, and all of a sudden, I couldnt see her the same way anymore, because not only was she still eating crap, while I was trying not to eat the crap. So I had to end it, because to me that was a major incompatibility. I have since dated women that think more like me when it comes to fitness. Its a requirement with me now.
Author jmjacobs31 Posted July 27, 2012 Author Posted July 27, 2012 Whatever the reasons are, based on what you said, reasons like everything he liked about you at the beginning of your relationship he probably doesnt like anymore. He could want a younger fit woman, more adventurous, different personality, whatever. probably everything. If you are the only woman he has had a real relationship with, he probably feels like he can do better, since he had no luck before you. Just so you know, since you are his only woman, he probably wont have any luck with any women for a while, andwill come looking for you when his discovery doesnt work. Im just speculating here, but you can take or give somethings based on what you know about him and your relationship. For instance, I was in a relationship with a woman when I decided to start getting fit. She had no interest in this, and all of a sudden, I couldnt see her the same way anymore, because not only was she still eating crap, while I was trying not to eat the crap. So I had to end it, because to me that was a major incompatibility. I have since dated women that think more like me when it comes to fitness. Its a requirement with me now. Hes actually had one of the girlfriend before me for a few weeks. The only reason I am the only girl hes been with is because we started dating when he was 17 and hes now 29. We both have obviously changed a lot over the years as we were just kids when we started dating. I think this is a lets see what else is out there kinda thing, which in some aspects I can understand.
Eddie Edirol Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 Hes actually had one of the girlfriend before me for a few weeks. The only reason I am the only girl hes been with is because we started dating when he was 17 and hes now 29. We both have obviously changed a lot over the years as we were just kids when we started dating. I think this is a lets see what else is out there kinda thing, which in some aspects I can understand. Thats very understanding of you. Usually when people start dating at 17, the woman is the one who checks out of the relationship at around 21 to go out with her friends and discover who else she can get. Well, as hard for you as this may be, this is the chance for you to start over and find a man with more relationship experience...once youre ready.
Canadian731 Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 I personally think closure is real, not closure in knowing why it happened but more so closure into knowing it can never be again. I wasnt truly able to start getting over my ex until I realized one day that the relationship was bad, as much as I love her, I know that things weren't working so no matter how hard I tried at that state in my life we could never work. By the time you are in a better state you won't even need closure because you will create your own closure.
Author jmjacobs31 Posted July 27, 2012 Author Posted July 27, 2012 I personally think closure is real, not closure in knowing why it happened but more so closure into knowing it can never be again. I wasnt truly able to start getting over my ex until I realized one day that the relationship was bad, as much as I love her, I know that things weren't working so no matter how hard I tried at that state in my life we could never work. By the time you are in a better state you won't even need closure because you will create your own closure. This is something I am already starting to go through. I was in a bad relationship and I know it. I know that in all reality I would not have been happy if I stayed in the relationship and it continued on its path. I think what I am struggling with most is that he didn't want to try and make things work. I just felt like after 12 years we should have at least tried to make things work between us. I am still in the missing him like crazy stage so that clouds my judgement a bit. Thanks for the advice.
Canadian731 Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 After 12 years you are always going to have those moments you miss him, I miss my ex all the time but what I miss is what we used to have, but once you realize it wouldn't be the same it gets better.and I know how you feel, it seemed to me like she just gave up. But if you think about it, most people who initiate the breakup have been thinking about it for awhile and are already going through the process of the break up most just don't have the guts to tell you when they know it's over. My ex ended up kissing another guy and I feel she did this because she couldn't bare to tell me she needed to not be in this relationship.
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