leutseym Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 Hello, Well my story, so much like other's...we lived together for 10 years, his kids came every weekend for the last 6 years. The kids mom (his high school sweetheart) just recently became single, bought a new house...and I'm sure you know the rest...yes, he moved out of our place, right into her's and the kids new home. I know I should be happy for the kids, they have their parents together again, and get to live as a family together. I feel so betrayed not only from him, but from her as well, she knew how much I loved their kids. Now I am left alone along with my 10 year old dog (who loved him so much), to try and move on knowing he is happy, their happy, and he will never come back to us. He won't have any contact what so ever with me. I run a storage facility with the apartment on site, so how do I not "dwell" on this, and move on? I have been here for over 6 years, and he lived here all this time until just a month ago when it happened. I cannot get away to do things to help take away the thoughts that are obsessing my mind, plus my dog is 10, and freaks now when I am away. He waits every day (at the same time) for him to come home from work, it breaks my heart to see how sad he is also. I want to move on so badly so I don't have to feel this sick, empty and aloneness anymore, but how can I when I am here working all the time, and live here also? My friends are sick of seeing me down, I am reading self help books, but I cannot stop thinking of how happy they are, and knowing he doesn't care at all about me anymore, nor our dog who loved him more than anybody in the world. I am left trying to deal with being single, and not a couple with him, who is now a couple with her. I need to get over it, but it is devastatingly difficult. I don't get away to meet new people, just ones that come to rent a storage. I run it alone, so after the office closes is the only time I have to work on keeping up with the grounds/units clean, any maintenance...I don't want to sound like a pity party, I just want to get over him and our life we had here together.
scatterd Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 This will take time it always hurts to be the dumped then the dumper. Just know that nothing is wrong with you and you will be OK Is their any other kind of job you can do or can you hire someone for a little extra time. Not getting out is not fun but staying busy helps. I am so sorry for your pain.
ghgh750 Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 I am so sorry to hear that this has happened to you. I can understand how this is devastating. With time, you will surely heal. It is a shame that you not only lost your partner but that you also lost the relationship with the children. It is messed up that neither your partner nor the kids stay in contact with you but I guess it would be awkward and hard for all parties involved. I thinking continuing with no contact, while painful at first, is the best way to proceed for you as well. It will be easier to get over him. The way I see it is you should be happy for the great times and memories you have had over the past decade. Sometimes, things just don't work out in life. Just be glad that he did not cheat behind your back and still stay with you. That would be horrible. For now, go out to the stores or the park or anything. Walk around and just relax. I also recommend getting Netflix because it is cheap and the movies can keep you distracted. Goodluck and am sorry for what is happening to you.
GLDheart Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 There's no sense in telling you to "get over it". These things take time. Ten years together is a long time. The ties are rooted deep in your heart. Your pain is real. You can only try to look forward. Keeping your mind on a positive future will help you to stop looking back... Oh, and endorphins. Get some exercise. It just simply makes you feel better. It is the drug of "the left behind". 2
Author leutseym Posted July 27, 2012 Author Posted July 27, 2012 Thank you so very much to all for your kind words and support. I know that I can't keep dwelling on the past, it is over and gone now. I just can't get over thinking about him with her now, and them as a couple. It was only a few months back that he was holding my hand, and telling me he loved me. The cold slap I feel across my face is of both betrayal and reality. I just now finally told my family about us breaking up, but out of embarrassment I left out the details of him moving in with her. He doesn't miss me or our dog or our life together at all...the hurt I feel, or grieving I am going thru is so overwhelming every minute of every day. I am not young anymore, so finding someone else isn't likely. I know the steps I have to take to get thru these painful times, and I am very grateful to have the support from your reply's. It has helped knowing there are kind people out there who took time to reply to a complete stranger's distress.
ghgh750 Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 Hi. Please do not dwell on this. So did he cheat on you behind your back and then leave you? Or did he just leave after his high school sweetheart got a divorce? (Maybe their cheating was the reason for the divorce....) The ignoring of you is a slap but it will also help you heal quicker. Better this than limbo. Also, how old are you by the way? I bet it will still be easier than you think to find someone else. Were you guys married?
dreamingoftigers Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 You will not know what is going on there. They've been separated a long time, there's no instant fairytale ending there. My husband separated on and off for a year, things still aren't totally settled. And who's to say he isn't missing you? In fact, it would be inhuman if he didn't. But you aren't seeing that he did screw you over too. You shared a life with him for ten years while he kept that window open for reconciliation. That is totally unfair and very selfish. Not to mention confusing for his children should they separate down the line. Young anymore? Yeesh. The options may have narrowed but you have stability and a pulse! They are definitely out there. Time for a vacation! Girl, what's stopping you from switching things up some? Btw, the grief will be about six months if he doesn't contact you. Get exercising! I got through my separation (and it was looking done) by hiking 2-3 times a week. Kept me sane, barely.
2sunny Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 I'm sure he finds things to miss about you. He's just not the man you THOUGHT he could be. I hope when/if things get tough with his W - you won't take him back. What was the reason they split up? IF they never fixed the problem - it's bound to resurface, it's just a matter of time and when. He's not a man of honor - or he would have told you. Get busy living! Get out, meet new people no matter what! It helps! New environments create change and new hope. Do not isolate - that makes it worse. Good wishes to you... Hugs. 2
Author leutseym Posted July 27, 2012 Author Posted July 27, 2012 We were not married, nor were they married, they just had 2 beautiful children together now the ages of 14 and 18. She left him when the 14 year old was just turning 1 years old. She had been with her ex (not married) since that time, until a few months ago. Was he cheating? I don't know, but he obviously had deep feelings for her all these years. I helped him straighten up his life, fought hard to keep him on a normal level to be able to live, work, function in life. He makes excellent money now, has great credit, and hasn't been in any kind of trouble for over 6 years now. I went thru all the hardships with him, and she gets all the rewards. I am 47. Thank you for asking, you are very sympathetic.
NotCamelot Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 Wow, I am really sorry for what you are going through. I am sure you thought it was going to last forever. Maybe, he will remember why he left her to begin with and also remember what you had together. But will you want him back? I don't have any advice. I am still in early stages of trying to rebuild after being betrayed as well. I wish you the best.
Jonah Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 Oh, and endorphins. Get some exercise. It just simply makes you feel better. It is the drug of "the left behind". I totally agree with GLDheart. Loose the poisons in your life and fill those empty spaces in time with positives moments. Suddenly single, after being sick for a few months I lost the smokes, started at the gym, and did something "nice" for myself every day. End result I feel great, look great and have confidence to do anything. I am a fan of group therapy and I still do that when I get really down - so you could consider getting yourself into a support system. It starts with the moment. And no matter where you are at physically, spiritually and mentally, you have to start somewhere and you can improve if you have that desire to reach for the stars. -Jonah
Jonah Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 but out of embarrassment I left out the details of him moving in with her. I too am sorry that you have to go through this hurt luetseym Be careful thinking that they will be having happiness there... Life will challenge them I promise. It would be amazing if the wheels stayed on that cart for more than five years. For your being embarrassed. Please know that it is ok to be human, to show your frailties. Even Superman had his weaknesses, and it is in those that we can find connections with our fellow human beings. Sadly our enemies will use our worst pains... "that he moved back in with her", to destroy us. So we keep some things secret. At least you can share that bit of grief here and know that these loveshack people have faced such humiliation and they know what it is like and they might have some insight on how to make it through with dignity.
GLDheart Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 ... I went thru all the hardships with him, and she gets all the rewards... You did what you did supporting your man because that is who you are. Do not regret it. It is what it is, and it is good. ...I am 47. Don't feel like you have to rush this. In time, you will slowly be able to accept someone else's company. Then maybe someday thier love too. Age is irrelevant. Attitude is everything.
alexandria35 Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 Thank you so very much to all for your kind words and support. I know that I can't keep dwelling on the past, it is over and gone now. I just can't get over thinking about him with her now, and them as a couple. It was only a few months back that he was holding my hand, and telling me he loved me. The cold slap I feel across my face is of both betrayal and reality. I just now finally told my family about us breaking up, but out of embarrassment I left out the details of him moving in with her. He doesn't miss me or our dog or our life together at all...the hurt I feel, or grieving I am going thru is so overwhelming every minute of every day. I am not young anymore, so finding someone else isn't likely. I know the steps I have to take to get thru these painful times, and I am very grateful to have the support from your reply's. It has helped knowing there are kind people out there who took time to reply to a complete stranger's distress. I don't know what these two are thinking. She just became single after a long term relationship and he immediately left you and moved in with her. That just doesn't sound healthy to me. If they were still harboring real feelings for each other they should have both seperated and dated each other for a while to see if there was anything there worth building a relationship on. I suspect that for her she was desperate to not be alone. Are you all around the same age? Maybe she feels like you do, like she's too old to find someone new (not true) and thinks her ex (your ex) is the best she can hope for at this stage of the game. For him, perhaps he has carried around some unrealistic fantasy of the life they once had together. Maybe he has always blamed himself for their relationship not working out the first time and now he thinks he can have a do over. Maybe he just has some fond memories of his youth and she somehow makes him remember being younger and carefree. Thing is that people can't go back in time. It won't be like it was before. I think they are both nuts for going about things this way. They put the cart way out in front of the horse. I'm sure this is very painful for you and I'm sorry. There are things you can do to help you cope with it, therapy, exercise, meditation, etc, but mostly you're just going to need some time. I've been there and I know how hard it is but you will get through it and you will be okay. Mostly I worry that your ex is going to see his instant love nest blow up in his face and then try to come back for you and if you are not sufficiently healed yet you might let him. It isn't true that it's too late for you to find a new partner. I don't know how old you are but it's never too late for anything. Please don't let yourself fall into despair over that kind of negative thinking. Have you considered therapy?
Author leutseym Posted July 27, 2012 Author Posted July 27, 2012 Thank you. I do keep telling myself over and over that this is for the better. I know that only time will prove that to me. I work very hard running this storage facility, which helps to keep me physically in shape, however, living here (with all our memory's) in the apartment, isn't helping with the emotional state. Therapy would be great, but is costly. Finding this sight has been therapeutic in a sense of just telling my story to complete strangers. You see, I have been at this facility for 6+ years now, so I know my tenants quite well. I have been their source of positive reflection throughout many difficult times, and they all rely on my strength and belief in them. Not many of them know what has happened. I must keep a professional mannerism, and have a smile for each and every one of them that count on that smile from me day to day. It is not easy hiding my sadness behind my smiles, so I guess finding this sight is my source of therapy for the moment. Now I know how my tenants feel when I am there giving my support for them, like you all have been giving me. Again...thank you!
whichwayisup Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 All you can do is grieve the loss and allow yourself time to work through the pain so you can heal. I am sorry this happened to you, it's sad. You did nothing wrong at all.
Jonah Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 I am 47. I like 47. I am a decent guy in my early 50s and I like ladies all about my age. I have a friend in her 60s and she still has much fun flirting. So hey don't buy into any myths about a woman's age. I know that storage shed management can be full time. Owners wanting 16 hour days... Nice cheap rent but sheesh don't blow your life on it. Make sure you have time for you! For me it was, gee, no one will want me. That turned into, gee this is great being single! Now its fear of commitment. Love Thyself leutseym! 1
Author leutseym Posted July 29, 2012 Author Posted July 29, 2012 Thank you for your input Jonah! Your words are of great inspire! Becoming single at the age of "47" is not easy, especially after 10 years with someone. The security of knowing your a "couple" is gone, and it just changes everything...the way men/women look and act towards you, the way I have to be more cautious now around men/women. I feel even more awkward towards my friends that are married. Being single is just so uncomfortable for me. I hope in time that will change. Being this age is also very hard on any woman (I would think)...seeing yourself in the mirror ageing is so not cool! Part of life though, I know!
SarahRose Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 This is such a sad story. Don't think that they are going to be happily ever after as they are pretty much strangers. How they were in high school and how they are as adults are two very different things. Is there anything you have always wanted to do in life? I would get out there and do some things you have always wanted to do.
Author leutseym Posted July 29, 2012 Author Posted July 29, 2012 Thank you Sara Rose (such a pretty name), Unfortunately, I do not have the funds to get out there to do the things I really would like to do. He also left me without a vehicle. Yes, the story gets even more pathetic (shame on me for letting it get this far)...he had wrecked my car in 2007, bought himself a new car in 2008, and has an old truck that he moved out with. He was supposed to buy me a vehicle to replace the one that he had wrecked, but backed out of buying it just 2 weeks before he moved out. She has a new car, he has a new car (that he just paid off this month), and he has the old truck also. I was left with??? Humiliation, devastation... Again, shame on me!
GLDheart Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 ...Yes, the story gets even more pathetic... ...Again, shame on me! The shame is all his my dear. In your mind, leave it to Karma, and focus on you. You sound like a hard working force for good. That is VERY appealing. Don't worry about the image in the mirror. His character is aweful! Seriously. Look at this man you describe. In time, my feeling is that you will deep down thank him for freeing you of his burden.
Radu Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 The more you write about this individual, the less he sounds like a prize, even thought he sounded like an ass from the OP. He backed out of buying you the new car because he had it planned when she gave him the greenlight, so this was premeditated for at least 2 weeks. What you wrote about their relationship, it won't last. She doesn't have a great job, does she ? Jumping from LTR to LTR so fast, will not end well. He will come back to you, i hope he will find you in a better place singing 'These boots are made for walkin' '. Don't be ashamed for it, putting both feet in a relationship, giving your best is something beautifull, made even more beautifull by how flakey ppl today are. There are users on this forum who found the love of their lives at your age.
Author leutseym Posted July 30, 2012 Author Posted July 30, 2012 Thank you to all for your support and words of wisdom! I know in time I will see that him leaving was for the best, I just wish I didn't have to go thru all the steps to get me there (grieving, sadness, emptiness, acceptance, anger, finding the strength inside myself to move on)...but I am dedicated on getting thru it, and getting him out of my head and heart for good!
frozensprouts Posted July 30, 2012 Posted July 30, 2012 this may sound lame, but when I read your sorry for some reason it reminded of that Tv sitcom 'the golden girls'...four women who are single, around your age, and are learning to find happiness in their lives again... I know that's just a TV show, but even in "real life" it is very possible to move forward and find happiness for yourself again. You are in control of your life now, making decisions by yourself for yourself. be good to yourself, find time for yourself , and try somethings you have always wanted to try but he held you back, be with your friends, force yourself to go out and "live' ( even if you don't feel like it a first) things will get better, and one day you'll see him for what he is...a selfish @ss
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