Martial problems

[Trapped63]

I’m nervous to write my story because deep down I think I know I’m an idiot. LOL. So bear with me. This is going to be long...

 

I met my husband less than 10 years ago. We have two children. After my first child was born, I pushed my husband away. I became wrapped up in being a mother and neglected some of his emotional needs. Looking back I’m pretty sure I had some form of PPD, but I never got diagnosed. I really didn’t even realize I was neglecting him. It’s hard for me to explain. That first pregnancy wasn’t planned. We were a couple of hard partying 20 somethings that had a lot of fun. We had just moved in together and then bam, I got pregnant. I think Ihad a lot of resentment towards my husband because my life changed the day I got pregnant. His didn’t. He continued to go out drinking and partying with friends and told me I was being controlling if I asked him not to. All our friends were partiers, so I lost them too. I was completely alone, so I through myself into the pregnancy and then into our child. I pushed my husband away without really noticing. He did talk to me about it, but all I can say is that I wasn’t really listening. We fought a little, but still managed to get along OK.

 

Then we decided to have another baby. I was sick right from the minute I peed on that stick! My husband really didn’t care. At this point I believe he was harboring a lot of resentments towards me for the way I’d been treating him. I thought our relationship was good.

 

The first time I caught him cheating was shortly after I found out I was pregnant with our child #2. He was responding to Craigslist ads online. According to him, he was using it like porn. He never actually met anyone, just needed someone to talk to. I forgave him because this is when I began realizing just how much I was pushing him away. I blamed myself for his straying and wanted to keep our family together. We agreed to fix things.

 

Things weren’t getting better. My H’s anger grew and grew.He began to say mean, nasty things to me when he was mad. I accepted it as part of his healing process after I hurt him, but forced him into therapy. He didn’t want to go, but I let him know he had no choice. He was becoming a miserable person to be around and that was making me want to show him love and affection less and less. We were caught in a vicious cycle. He wants love and reassurance from me. I want to give him love and reassurance, but his miserable attitude and negative outlook was pushing me away. The things he sometimes said were so mean that I had a hard time believing that he loved me at all. Things like I hate you. You wasted my life. You’re a bitch. You’re fat and don’t take care of yourself. (when I was pregnant with #2) So I was driven away.

 

We started couple’s therapy awhile ago. I thought it was working and I really thought he was into the relationship. He said all the right things in therapy. He did get angry if he thought the session was focusing too much on his problems, but at this time his problems were really the present. Everything that I was doing “wrong” in his eyes was from after our first child was born. He even agreed that even though I wasn’t perfect I was trying. About 2 months into our therapy, I found out he cheated on me with a girl he met online. He says nothing happened but I broke into his email and from what she was saying to him, they had sex. I was devastated. We went to counseling but now he was mad that the counselor only wanted to talk about his cheating and didn’t address any of his feelings. He quit going. I tried going by myself for a while, but money was tight and he didn’t support me seeing “that woman” because “she was on my side”. We tried to work on our issues. I tried to forgive the cheating because I recognized that my behaviors towards him was a reason he cheated. I loved our family and I thought I wanted to move forward.

 

A little while after I found out about the girl (who he cut contact with and never spoke to again) I found out about an emotional affair he was having with another lady. They never met but they said I love you, I miss you, I can’t wait to see you again.They were also bashing me quite a bit. I was rocked. I found out about it after it had been going on for about 7 months. In those 7 months he was so mean tome, threatened to walk out all the time. I really felt like nothing I did was good enough. I was trying and he was pretending to try. I told him that was it.I wanted out. He begged me to stay. I made him write a no contact letter and told him that if he talked to her again I was gone. He did and I monitored his phone/email/facebook everything. She constantly contacted him, he didn’t respond – that I could see.

 

At this point I have zero trust in him. I am driving myself crazy monitoring everything he does. Then my world is rocked again last month. I found out from my dad (of all people) that he has been texting nasty, vile and gross things to my brother’s wife. She didn’t know it was him. She thought he was some kind of freak stalker and even called the cops on him. Once she foundout who it was she went to my dad and I had to sit through this embarrassing intervention. I took the kids to my mom’s house (who didn’t know what was goingon) and had it out with him. I wanted him gone, he made me sick, my family hates him. His response is he was drunk(the texts started in May 2011) and he doesn’t know why he did it. It’s just like porn to him (again). Blah blah blah. I told him I was leaving at the end of July. He begged me to stay. I said if I did it would only be because of the kids. He said he could work with that. I agreed to take it one day at a time,but with him knowing I was leaning towards leaving.

 

This last month has been hell. He constantly wants to bring up our relationship. There is a constant state of tension in our house. The kids are the only reason I stayed because I don’t want to wreck their childhood. But I feel like we are already wrecking them. I don’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth. To top it off, he has contacted his ex affair partner. His defense is they are only talking, she’s his friend and someone to talk to, he didn’t say anything inappropriate. She knows they can only befriends and he didn’t think it would bother me!!!!

 

To top it off, his sour attitude is becoming more and more violent. He has actually shoved me and started getting more and more physical with me.

 

After these rages (as I call them) he’s all sweet for a few days and says all the right things. He plays on my feelings about the kids saying that he’s moving far away and he’ll have them all summer and that if I go to my mom’s he’ll take them from me. I’m so scared to lose my children. I’m also scared to have them spend any kind of time alone with him. If I’m not there to take his anger is he going to direct it at the children?

 

I need some courage, I need some strength. I absolutely know that I need to leave this relationship (at least a break to let it all cool down) but I’m afraid for my children. Plus we are broke and can’t afford first and last month’s rent on two apartments! What do I do?

Edited July 27, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Clarified title and edited construction

[K Os]

I'm sorry to hear your story, this sounds like a horrible situation.

 

There is a constant state of tension in our house. The kids are the only reason I stayed because I don’t want to wreck their childhood. But I feel like we are already wrecking them.

 

I think this is key, and it's crucial you take action to stop this for their sake. From the way you tell it, it sounds as if your husband's behaviour is spiralling downwards, and if physical violence is involved in any way then you need to get yourself and your children to a safe place ASAP. Are there ways you can approach this that don't involve spending money privately on two apartments? Are there agencies that can help you? I'm writing in the UK and there are support services here for your type of situation - I'm sure there are where you are too. Reach out for the help you need, and don't be scared. You will find help. You have to make a bold move here and I think you realise that. Get yourself and your kids to a safe place away from the rage and violence, and then look at the rest of the situation. You will find support here, so post whatever helps, but it sounds to me as if you need urgent practical help with housing. Go get it. All best wishes and good luck to you.

[Yasuandio]

Look at the first sentence you wrote. An idiot? You call yourself an idiot for reaching out in a situation like this? Girl, check yourself, right now. You will need confidence to get through this. You have come to the right place. Your husband may be a serial cheater. That is not good for your sanity - or your health. Do you see where your self esteem is right now? Do you want your boys to learn to treat their women like this?

 

He lifts one finger, or makes one threat, or causes you any anxiety, whatsoever - go into the bathroom, and dial up the police, 911, and say NOTHING TO HIM ABOUT IT. Do not threaten to do it, you just do it. The police will take him out if you are afraid of him. You do not need two apartments. But you better mean it, if, and when you do it. Because if you let him back in again, he could severly injure you, or even kill you. This has been known to happen with abusers that just begin with a little "shoving around." If you don't believe me, do a google search on physical and mental abuse. It is all there defined in black and blue. His violent behavior is following a well-known pattern - it's "esculating." You better wake up. God bless you. YAS

 

PS Best to over-react that to under-react in this situation, IMO.

Edited July 26, 2012 by Yasuandio

[BetrayedH]

I have two immediate thoughts:

 

(1) No matter the condition of the marriage, you did NOTHING to deserve his cheating. He was obligated to fix the marriage or leave it. He chose door #3 all on his own. Your initial reaction to take some responsibility is a normal result of the shock of being betrayed. We try to stop the world from spinning and will take ownership of the problem (and take complete responsibility of it if necessary) to get some control back. But that time has now passed for you. It's time for you to realize that he owns 100% of his decision to cheat. The fact that he is clearly an unremorseful serial cheater should solidify that for you. But it won't. It takes years to heal whether you reconcile or not (and you definitely should NOT).

 

(2). Staying for the children is counter productive. Children will ultimately do better with two happy parents in separate households rather than two unhappy parents in the same household. As well, if they are seeing any of this drama, you are teaching them that this is normal.

 

Otherwise, I hope you find a safe exit. What I read is that the most dangerous time is when an abuse victim first leaves. You need a safe place when you go and the police need to know. A women's shelter can probably advise you. As for losing you children, that seems REALLY far-fetched to me. Document everything. While some states (I don't know where you are from) may push for 50/50 custody, I can't imagine him getting any more than 50/50, especially in light of his behaviors. You'd more likely get the kids and he would pay you to support them. Stop being afraid of this. It's not in your control and a horrible reason to stay.

 

Keep posting and good luck.

[Trapped63]

I just get so scared to leave because I don't trust his anger with the kids. Sometimes (I hope irrationally) I think that he knows the way to get to me is the kids and they will end up with the most of his anger if I'm not there. Does that make sense?

I told him I wanted to separate and clear my head. He told me that I wasn't thinking about how angry he would be. That I wasn't thinking about his feelings at all. He said he knew he messed up this last year, but that he felt I checked out of the relationship many years ago. He said he wanted to work and asked why I didn't love him enough to try. He told me he'd be depressed and start drinking. I said that I couldn't make my decision based on what he might do to himself and he muttered something about me being selfish. It's hard to explain. He's not angry all the time and he is really trying to hold the anger in. He hasn't yelled or lashed out in anger in a week or so. I can tell he's trying, but it feels too late and like he will go back to old patterns if I give in. I almost feel like I'm being mean! I don't know how he makes me feel this way. I'm too smart for this. Why do I feel bad?

I just can't shake this feeling that I really failed my kids.

[yessy21]

I had a similar relationship to this one... get out before it gets worse...Because it will. unless you are a crackhead prostitute they wont give him the kids. talk to your family... get a job silently if you dont have one, start taking things that u need little by little. one bag at a time. stay out of his way. He's still cheating with that woman, if he wasnt he wouldnt talk to her at all. and bashing u with her just shows how disrespectful he is towards you. If that is what you want your kids to think is the right way to live then its all on you.

[Trapped63]

So an update.

I finally left him. This is my second week away. I feel really light. Like a weight has been lifted. The only thing now is the kids. The karma bus has been kicking his butt lately and hes really depressed. We moved out and he went with a friend. Two days later he got kicked out (surprise! Hes such a peach to live with) He had to move again. He found a place but hes flat broke. Then he got in a car accident...his car is unsafe to drive but he keeps driving it. He has no furniture. No money. So hes upset. Of course its my fault.

I'm getting stronger everyday. Talking to old friends. Yesterday I had to send my kids out to be with him. Broke my heart. I'm so scared for them. I keep praying that he loves them more then he hates me. I talked to them today. They seem ok. I'm just really hoping its all going to work out but waiting for the other shoe to drop....I don't know why I'm writing. Lonely I guess.

[yessy21]

Aw. your going to be fine. just relax and take everything one day at a time. everything in life gets better. trust me. Sometimes you just have to take a deep breathe and appreciate that you can still take it. He only has himself to blame.

[Trapped63]

So, I am done with him. He is being so difficult. Drunk dialing me all the time, telling me he wants to be a family that he learned his lesson. I'm trying to be strong. I did the hard part. I got my own place and we're trying to share the children as best as possible. He wants 50%, I keep telling him he's crazy. And he is crazy!

He will not leave me alone. He wants to fight constantly. He's always late paying support. I cringe having to call and ask him for the measly amount of money he gives me each week. Every time I email him he gets angry with me. The phone calls are getting abusive. He tells me he wishes I would die. That I'm a cold bitch. That he can't even stand the sound of my voice. It's just hateful.

Through all this, he's still begging me back. He's still trying to convince me he's changed. Why? I don't get it.

The other thing I don't get is I am done with him. I know that in my heart. However, he keeps asking me if this is what I really want. He keeps telling me that once he turns it off, he won't be able to turn it back on and then he asks me, "Should I turn it off, is that what you want?" I've told him I'm done. I've told him I'm not sure what the future holds but that I want to be alone. That I don't want to be with him. But for some reason I can't say the words, "Turn it off". Why can't I just tell him to turn it off? I don't want to be with him. He's not a nice person to me, even now while he's trying to get me back! Is this some kind of game he's playing with me?

Uggg.

[LadyGrey]

So, I am done with him. He is being so difficult. Drunk dialing me all the time, telling me he wants to be a family that he learned his lesson. I'm trying to be strong. I did the hard part. I got my own place and we're trying to share the children as best as possible. He wants 50%, I keep telling him he's crazy. And he is crazy!

He will not leave me alone. He wants to fight constantly. He's always late paying support. I cringe having to call and ask him for the measly amount of money he gives me each week. Every time I email him he gets angry with me. The phone calls are getting abusive. He tells me he wishes I would die. That I'm a cold bitch. That he can't even stand the sound of my voice. It's just hateful.

Through all this, he's still begging me back. He's still trying to convince me he's changed. Why? I don't get it.

The other thing I don't get is I am done with him. I know that in my heart. However, he keeps asking me if this is what I really want. He keeps telling me that once he turns it off, he won't be able to turn it back on and then he asks me, "Should I turn it off, is that what you want?" I've told him I'm done. I've told him I'm not sure what the future holds but that I want to be alone. That I don't want to be with him. But for some reason I can't say the words, "Turn it off". Why can't I just tell him to turn it off? I don't want to be with him. He's not a nice person to me, even now while he's trying to get me back! Is this some kind of game he's playing with me?

Uggg.

 

 

I'm proud of you for being strong and getting out, so very brave of you and so very much the right thing to do.

 

Now I think you need to get some legal help, there are free options out there, please check in to them and I also think you need to consult a women's shelter ASAP, I'm afraid his threats to you will escalate and he may cause you harm. Please take this very seriously as he sounds like someone who is very near a crash and people who crash sometimes try to take others with them.

 

Take care! Stay strong!

[Trapped63]

That's honestly what I'm afraid of. The crash. He is spiralling downward and I'm not there to catch him this time. I'm afraid he's going to hurt himself. But on the other hand, he loves himself too much to hurt himself. How do I tell him to f*** off? LOL. We have the kids so I can't just ignore him, but it's been like 3 weeks and I'm so tired of this.

[riverratt]

Just keep hanging in there. He, obviously, has issues and you were very right to leave him. No one deserves that.

 

I hate to say it but try not to worry about him. I know he is the father of your kids but you can only help or worry about him for so long.

 

If he hits rock bottom then he might, just , pick himself up and at least be a decent father. Don't go back though..

[2sunny]

I'm proud of you for being strong and getting out, so very brave of you and so very much the right thing to do.

 

Now I think you need to get some legal help, there are free options out there, please check in to them and I also think you need to consult a women's shelter ASAP, I'm afraid his threats to you will escalate and he may cause you harm. Please take this very seriously as he sounds like someone who is very near a crash and people who crash sometimes try to take others with them.

 

Take care! Stay strong!

 

This ^^^

 

Don't go backwards!

 

He lies because he's drinking - and possibly drugs...

 

I'd petition the court for sole custody due to him being a drinker and putting the kids at risk. He shouldn't be driving with them and they shouldn't be left with him!

 

Ask the court to have his support money sent directly to you from them. It comes out first when the court had ordered it. They can deposit it directly to your account.

 

Stay strong - you can do this!

 

Never settle.