thavi Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 Hey guys, so i've been dating this girl for a little under 1 year now, and this is the second time we were in a relationship. I started dating her at the beginning of university and we dated for 2 years. Most of the two years were great, although towards the end I could feel that she was beginning to get clingy, always wanting to know where I was, wanting to spend all her time with me, etc. and while I loved spending time with her, I needed a little bit more space. Then i went on exchange to Japan for 1 year. After the first 1.5 months we had been fighting almost daily, she wanted to spend all of her time on skype talking with me, wanting to know where i was and what I was doing, and it was becoming a nightmare for me and i wasn't being able to enjoy my exchange cause I was always home talking to her. So I told her this and she wasn't willing to change and leave me alone, so i broke up with her. Then I came back from the rest of my year in Japan and saw her again for the first time. I hadn't talked to her since breaking up and so when I did all those good memories came rushing back and for her too and one thing led to another and we ended up dating again (or so I thought). She made it clear that she either wanted to be dating me, or have nothing to do with me, so I chose to try dating her again. It was going great I thought, and although we had some issues every now and then she was giving me more space than before, we enjoyed spending time together, so I was pretty happy. However something that bothered me was that she would never admit that she was dating me to other people, and didn't update her facebook status or anything, and when i confronted her about it she would just say that I broke up with her so she can't trust me to be openly in a relationship with me because if she does and i dump her again it will hurt her too much. I tried to justify it to myself and thought well I was the one who ended the relationship before so it is probably hard for her to trust me, so I let it pass. As time went on she wanted me to start showing a commitment to her, talked of wanting me to plan when we are going to get engaged, and then married. I told her thats not something I can think about now, I need to finish uni and get a job, but she would always get upset with that answer and things would break down, and I would feel bad that i'm upsetting her. So then after about 5 months of this, winter break comes and she goes back home and ends up cheating on me, except that to her it wasn't cheating because she had never said she was in a relationship with me. I was really hurt, but couldn't bring myself to end it because i really loved this girl. when she came back from break we talked things through and from that point on she has confirmed that we are in a relationship. But as graduation closed in she started becoming more attached, wanting promises of marriage, and wanting me to put our relationship first before jobs and stuff. I have told her I cannot do that and my job needs to come first now because it won't do either of us any good if I have to decline a good job in exchange for a bad one just in order to be close to her. She flipped out and told me I always put myself first, I never show her commitment to the relationship and i'm a jerk and all that stuff, so I threatened her with breaking up with her and haven't talked to her in 3 days now giving myself time to think about this relationship and if its any good for me, and she just recently sent me an email saying she is sorry for everything, has treated me terribly, will leave me alone about marriage, will trust me, and everything, and she will never be mean again she just needs another change... but I really don't think she deserves another chance, and all my friends and family tell me to break up with her, and I think I need to break up with her too, but I am just not sure i can bring myself to do it. I have this problem that whenever i think about breaking up with her I think about how sad she will be, how i broke up with her the first time and told her I wouldn't hurt her like that again, I think about how nice her family was to me, and everything like that, and I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm afraid i'm just going to cave in to her and not break up with her when I know that its not right for me. I know I should do this face-to-face with her like I did before, but I know how hard it was to break up with her the first time and how close I was to giving in, and I really don't know if I can do it again. Any encouragement or ideas about the best way to do this? Thanks!
blotter Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 Let me put it this way, you are hurting her worse and more in the long run by staying in a relationship that you don't want to. If your heart is not in the relationship the honest and compassionate thing to do is end it as soon as possible. Staying in a relationship out of pity is really ugly and condescending. Be a man, if you want out, be honest and tell her.
k100danny Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 I agree. It is ok to question your relationship, people do this all the time and it is something that has to be done to move to the next stage but if you know deep down you aren't feeling the same then the best thing for both of you is to end it. You shouldn't stay in a relationship out of guilt and you both deserves happiness.
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