Is it bad to have high standards???

[jobaba]

But lots of people hope that a relationship will lead to marriage. So doesn't it make sense to look for marriage standards in a relationship also?

 

I wouldn't marry a single person that I dated.

 

And going out with them brought me to that conclusion.

 

I'm sure the process works in the reverse too.

[ascendotum]

It is much, much harder to go against the current, and maintain high standards, than it is to relax, let everything drop and run with the pack. it's the person who stands out - stands head and shoulders above the rest - that sets their sights higher - and gets to see twice as far.

If you have standards, make them higher. if they're already high - stick to your principles. Being true to yourself is worth more than ever being a pack-rat....

 

They will only "stand out - stands head and shoulders above the rest", if they themselves are every bit as good and possess the equivalent of what they consider they deserve in a potential partner, imo. I am talking long term relationship here. Guys think differently when its fwb/ons/str and its just the nookie driving them.

I do get the drift of what you are saying though.

Edited July 26, 2012 by ascendotum

[Revolver]

Standards to ME has always been what your accustomed to. To use a vehicle example, If I'm Driving nothing but broken down Pintos I can't say My "standard" is Lambourghinis. You get what I'm saying?

 

As a whole, a lot of people overrate themselves and that's why theyre unhappy

[ascendotum]

Standards to ME has always been what your accustomed to. To use a vehicle example, If I'm Driving nothing but broken down Pintos I can't say My "standard" is Lambourghinis. You get what I'm saying?

 

As a whole, a lot of people overrate themselves and that's why theyre unhappy

 

I agree. There's a lot of the 'because you deserve the best/because you are worth it' aspirational marketing out there these days and that helps to create a psyche that we are somehow missing out out if we dont have the best. (but its just one element tho)

Personally I can't see things changing at all, in fact likely getting worse, if prosperity inceases and if parents continue to only have 1 or 2 children who they treat as little princes & princesses. I saw an interesting doco on China & sex, and how things are changing for the new prosperous. I used to consider relationships in China as fairly utilitarian, a partnership to work together, but they were interviewing young women, who were now wanting, show me the muscles, show me the height, show me the money. (of course it could have been edited for effect). As we do better in life, we think we deserve better in partner.

Despite me saying this, I do not think its a sin to have high standards and to hold out...as long as you are not over estimating your worth.

Edited July 26, 2012 by ascendotum
spell error

[iris219]

I haven't witnessed people having high standards, for the most part. Many people, especially the women I know, don't have high enough standards.

 

Is wanting chemistry having high standards? Really, this is what everyone wants, isn't it (unless you're a gold digger or some insecure, aging dude who likes to show off young girls)?

 

Most people don't have checklists and those who do throw it all out for a great connection. You'd be surprised how little things like hairline and financial status matter when there's chemistry between two people.

 

The problem is that mutual chemistry is very hard to find. That's why people settle. My definition of settling has nothing to do with ending up with someone poorer, less attractive, or less intelligent. I define it as committing to someone you don't "feel it" for, which is draining and unsatisfying.

[DreamerDeceiver]

I actually lowered my standards when it comes to dating to see what would happen. The result? I felt cheap and disgusting, and knew I should be doing better with more beautiful and intelligent women. Nothing wrong at all with high standards! Your standards will protect you from ending up with the wrong person. How else is one going to find their "true love."

 

It's the people who proudly say they have high standards and act the opposite, that irks me. They remind me of people who say all the time they "don't want drama", yet it surrounds them.

 

What concerns me is that when meeting with ladies (in online dating especially), she is screening me Robocop style against her own prequalification checklist. Seems so cold and calculated sometimes. Make no mistake that all the while, I am qualifying her too.

[It's Just Me]

What a cool topic. Thanks, Wholigan. I think I was one of those "standard-bearers" in Jaclyn's thread.

 

I think standards/selection criteria can be broken down into categories.

 

1. How I want to be treated

2. How I treat others

3. What I look for (and will not accept) in potential friends

4. How I want to (and refuse to) live my life

5. What I look for (and will not accept) in a mate

6. What I want (and will not accept) in an employer

 

At my age (47), the above categories are about values, not material objects such as cars, income and designer clothes. And, thanks to experience, I am able to recognize a complete stranger's values almost instinctively - without even thinking about it - and do a match/no match assessment in a split second. As a younger girl, this was more of a challenge, and I did make some incorrect choices in the people/companies with whom I chose to associate. Learning about the world is precisely about making mistakes.

 

Getting back to relationships (this is LS, after all), standards are a must if you are to protect yourself, and your emotions. Mine, in no particular order or type, when I was dating:

 

The hard stats

 

1. No married men.

2. No divorce drama - a civil relationship with the ex, out of concern for the kids, is a must.

3. No freshly-hurt men. They are LEGION on dating sites.

4. No biker types/wannabes. I grew up in a town full of Hell's Angels criminals. I don't like greasy, tattooed, sleazebag, Harley-farting losers.

5. I work for a living. So should you.

6. I live on my own and pay my own bills, like a grown-up. So should you.

7. I have no criminal record - neither should you.

8. I live a drama-free life. So should you.

 

The soft/unspoken values, to be evaluated in person

 

1. I treat myself and others with respect. I expect the same in return.

2. If we don't interact in some way, shape or form within three days of our first date, I will assume that we've both moved on. You don't get to keep me as an option.

3. If you invite me to your home within two weeks of meeting, the answer will be 'no'. If this upsets you, you are clearly not looking for a relationship with me.

4. If you ask me, on the first date, if I'm "free with my body" and "without inhibitions," or any other questions relating to intimacy, I will assume that you are a complete ass and you will never hear from me again.

5. If you show up on our date, and have failed to disclose things like Tourette's, a missing eye, your correct height, current weight, or anything else that turns out to be a lie, we are done.

6. When you are an unemployed bookkeeper and some guy who moderates an online car racing game, don't call yourself a Business Analyst and teacher in your profile, only to disclose the truth later. I can put a Band-Aid on a boo-boo - that doesn't make me a healthcare professional. (Yes, this did happen.)

[gaius]

Quite a few posts last couple of days, mostly from women funnily enough, about the standards of dating that they hold. From settling for a partner because most guys aren't good enough, to ruling out guys who push for sex early in favor of those who show restraint, and all other stuff in between....

 

Is it wrong to have standards such as these? Or bad in the long run? Most guys would probably say yeah, it's too picky. I'm not so sure......

 

So if a woman wants to build a connection before the sex, and men tend to go quicker than she wants, is she obliged to switch it up for the benefit, or should she stick to her guns? I say the latter. Again, I ask - should men think about showing restraint with the right girl, and showing a level of versatility in such a case? I know sometimes it can lead to the Friendzone with a lot of girls, but provided there is something being built, and there is a marked level of sexual tension being handled correctly, surely it's one way of doing things?

 

Lot of things to ponder personally, what say the rest of you??

 

Men should make a respectful push for what they want from a woman. If it conflicts with her needs then she can and should say no, but to dump a guy for trying to get his own needs met in a respectful manner, like suggesting the next date be at his house, is an incredibly unloving thing to do. If you're not that into him and want to use it as an excuse to make an early exit then OK, but if that's the sole reason you probably have some deep anger with men and don't really like us that much.

 

As far as regular standards go, I don't think having high or low ones is good or bad. It's just a good barometer of how much having a partner really matters to you and how much you enjoy intimacy with other people.

[It's Just Me]

to dump a guy for trying to get his own needs met in a respectful manner, like suggesting the next date be at his house, is an incredibly unloving thing to do. If you're not that into him and want to use it as an excuse to make an early exit then OK, but if that's the sole reason you probably have some deep anger with men and don't really like us that much.

 

I call BS. Needs met? After one or two dates? Get a grip. You're either entirely lacking in imagination for ways to see the girl, or you're looking to get laid. NEXT!

[fortyninethousand322]

I haven't witnessed people having high standards, for the most part. Many people, especially the women I know, don't have high enough standards.

 

Is wanting chemistry having high standards? Really, this is what everyone wants, isn't it (unless you're a gold digger or some insecure, aging dude who likes to show off young girls)?

 

Most people don't have checklists and those who do throw it all out for a great connection. You'd be surprised how little things like hairline and financial status matter when there's chemistry between two people.

 

The problem is that mutual chemistry is very hard to find. That's why people settle. My definition of settling has nothing to do with ending up with someone poorer, less attractive, or less intelligent. I define it as committing to someone you don't "feel it" for, which is draining and unsatisfying.

 

I think the more experience you have the easier it is to know what you're looking for.

 

Me personally, I have a very bare bones criteria. Why? Because outside of what I know that I like appearance wise everything else is just a guess. I have no idea what kind of personality traits to look for or what "chemistry" is. I can estimate based on the limited interactions I've had but otherwise I figure most of this stuff has to be fleshed out in real life in real relationships.

[ThaWholigan]

Men should make a respectful push for what they want from a woman. If it conflicts with her needs then she can and should say no, but to dump a guy for trying to get his own needs met in a respectful manner, like suggesting the next date be at his house, is an incredibly unloving thing to do. If you're not that into him and want to use it as an excuse to make an early exit then OK, but if that's the sole reason you probably have some deep anger with men and don't really like us that much.

 

As far as regular standards go, I don't think having high or low ones is good or bad. It's just a good barometer of how much having a partner really matters to you and how much you enjoy intimacy with other people.

 

Much agree with the bolded.

[Quiet Storm]

I think everyone should stick to their values and standards.

 

However, if you set the bar very high, it may take longer to find someone that is up to par.

 

If you are finding it very difficult to find someone that meets those standards, it may be beneficial to consider that your standards may be unrealistic.

 

If you are looking for a 36-22-36 virgin with porn star skills, that may not be realistic. You have every right to have those standards, but you should not resent other women for not being your ideal.

 

Most of us judge others by their past actions, and that's okay. It's one of the tools we use to determine another person's character. However, if our judgements are unreasonable, we should not blame those that don't measure up, IMO. We should just conclude that they are different than us, and move on.

[ThaWholigan]

I think everyone should stick to their values and standards.

 

However, if you set the bar very high, it may take longer to find someone that is up to par.

 

If you are finding it very difficult to find someone that meets those standards, it may be beneficial to consider that your standards may be unrealistic.

 

If you are looking for a 36-22-36 virgin with porn star skills, that may not be realistic. You have every right to have those standards, but you should not resent other women for not being your ideal.

 

Most of us judge others by their past actions, and that's okay. It's one of the tools we use to determine another person's character. However, if our judgements are unreasonable, we should not blame those that don't measure up, IMO. We should just conclude that they are different than us, and move on.

Indeed.

 

I think where one has to draw the line when it comes to unrealistic will probably vary from person to person. Otherwise it will come to be that they will never be happy with anyone!

 

In any case, I have made peace with the idea of being alone, but my standards are not very high, just normal in my opinion. I'm also confident I will meet many women who will meet them, because I already have more than once.

[Lonely Ronin]

I'm also confident I will meet many women who will meet them, because I already have more than once.

 

This is an excellent benchmark!

[KungFuJoe]

I don't know about it being bad to have high standards, but I know you should NEVER EVER EVER EVER settle.

 

Ever.