convince me not to contact her

[Occu3.14'd]

I've never felt so miserable in my entire life as I have these past three weeks. I still can't come to terms with the fact that this is really over. I literally want from the most wonderful feeling in the world, to utter despair and depression overnight.

 

We've been in NC for 1.5 weeks. When we had the final discussion, there was no warning, no beating around the bush. She decided that she needed to find herself and be happy, before she could ever focus on anyone else. But this was so sudden and matter-of-fact. It's almost as if I wish there would be mind games and drama, if for no other reason than to be able to see her and talk to her. But this was such a mature relationship, that I know there won't be.

 

I find myself checking my phone all day and every day with that little glimmer of hope that there will be a text from her or a missed call, but I know this is an unrealistic expectation.

 

I want to talk to her more than anything, but I know the only possible outcome will be negative. There are four possible scenarios:

 

 

1. I call or text her, and she doesn't respond. I will go out of my mind with millions of possible reasons for this.

 

2. Or she responds, but nothing has changed. She is very wishy-washy, and I end up back at square one, because there must be hope, right?

 

3. She responds, and tells me that the past few weeks have given her time to think. She realizes that none of the feelings were real, and that I was just there to make her happy. But not truly happy.

 

4. She responds and tells me she wants to go back to the way things were. This sounds great, except for the fact that I would be walking on eggshells, waiting for this to happen again.

 

Now, despite the fact that I am fully aware of the above possibilities, I'm having such a hard time me not calling her. I really want some answers from her, yet I know they won't solve anything.

 

This is so unbelievably difficult. I honestly can't believe this happened the way it did.

[Occu3.14'd]

Think of all of the men she's been having sex with guilt free in order to "find herself".

 

I appreciate the help, but I know with 100% certainty that this is not the case. She is not "finding herself" in a GIGS sense. She is finding herself in a "going to counseling, I have a lot of demons" kind of way.

 

She has had a lot of issues over her lifetime, and I really think there's only so long you can keep supressing them before they explode. Unfortunately, I was there when it happened.

 

I can honestly say that the most amazing, unbelievable, perfect, handsome, rich, and wonderful guy in the world wouldn't have a chance in hell right now with her.

[RogerWallace111]

You've got to maintain faith that with time, out of sight will truly mean out of mind. Because it's the truth. You have to digest your own pain, "accept" it the best you can, and remind yourself that contacting her will basically bring you back to square one every time.

 

1 or 2 are probably the most likely scenarios. Maybe 3. Almost definitely not 4, that's a call you'd get from her, not a response to you reaching out.

 

Like you said, none are great regardless. You've just got to trust that in time you will feel better, even if it takes months, and know that the very momentary relief you'd get from talking to her would end up leaving you back where you were or worse off. The drug addiction/recovery analogy is constantly used on here. Relapsing on a drug you've started to ween yourself off of puts you right back into addiction, there's no real middle ground. If you want to someday be completely free of that lingering desire, you have to accept the pain of withdrawal, suffer through it, and resist the cravings.

[RogerWallace111]

I am dealing with the same urges, after 8 weeks, but the pain levels off

[Jason02]

Hey Occu3.14'd, you sound exactly like i did when my relationship hit the ****ter. I got the same exact reasoning by my ex. I don't have anything that will make you feel better, cause i know nothing made me feel better. Time does that. It makes the hurt less.

 

But here is what will really happen

 

1. I call or text her, and she doesn't respond. I will go out of my mind with millions of possible reasons for this.

 

happened to me. I lost a whole night's sleep because she never called back. When we were together, she NEVER not called me back, or at least text me later saying she was busy but she would call when she can. This can be a devistating feeling.

 

2. Or she responds, but nothing has changed. She is very wishy-washy, and I end up back at square one, because there must be hope, right?

This is currently where i am. and if you look at my post, it ain't pretty. don't end up like me. not having the courage and strength to know when its over. I am in limbo now and it sucks. Its like breaking up over and over again in your mind. you have hope for reconciling, but then you realize it won't happend so it's like she breaks up with you again.

 

3. She responds, and tells me that the past few weeks have given her time to think. She realizes that none of the feelings were real, and that I was just there to make her happy. But not truly happy.

This is where i think my ex is at but doesn't want to tell me because she doesn't want to hurt me.

 

4. She responds and tells me she wants to go back to the way things were. This sounds great, except for the fact that I would be walking on eggshells, waiting for this to happen again.

Did this at first. I thought exactly the same. she wanted slow and i didn't konw what that meant so i kind of walked on eggshells trying to figure it out. its not good. to not be able to be yourself is a terrible feeling in itself, and unless you plan on doing this all your life, then you'll get tired of it pretty soon like i did.

 

 

in the end, no one ever feels like this is how it is suppose to end, because when your happy you never think it will. I don't know what to tell you to make you feel better, but don't call her. stay NC and work on yourself. get a new hobby, reaquint with old friends, go to the gym(best thing ever) but overall stay busy. It helps. I kind of wish my ex didn't get in contact with me after two months of NC because i was so much more in a better place. now i am in limbo.

 

remember people here can help you when you feel down. stay strong.

[Occu3.14'd]

You've got to maintain faith that with time, out of sight will truly mean out of mind. Because it's the truth. You have to digest your own pain, "accept" it the best you can, and remind yourself that contacting her will basically bring you back to square one every time.

 

1 or 2 are probably the most likely scenarios. Maybe 3. Almost definitely not 4, that's a call you'd get from her, not a response to you reaching out.

 

Like you said, none are great regardless. You've just got to trust that in time you will feel better, even if it takes months, and know that the very momentary relief you'd get from talking to her would end up leaving you back where you were or worse off. The drug addiction/recovery analogy is constantly used on here. Relapsing on a drug you've started to ween yourself off of puts you right back into addiction, there's no real middle ground. If you want to someday be completely free of that lingering desire, you have to accept the pain of withdrawal, suffer through it, and resist the cravings.

 

I know. My mind really understands this, but my heart can't seem to agree. When you have waited your entire life (mid 30's) to finally meet a person that makes you feel this way, it's absolutely crushing to watch them slip away, knowing there was nothing you could've done to prevent it. Before her, I was convinced that there was no one out there that was right for me, and that I would probably end up just settling with "good enough" at some point. But now I feel so much worse knowing there was someone that had all I ever wanted. I guess ignorance is bliss.

 

I just can't get over the fact that she does think I'm wonderful, and that she does really love me, yet can't be with me.

 

I can't even be mad at her. They say anger is part of recovery, but yet what did she ever do? One of the major reasons for ending it on her part was specifically because she didn't want to string me along. She knows that it will take her a long time to fix herself, and she couldn't keep me hanging around, knowing full well that she may see things differently in time. And part of me was hoping that she would contact me, but I can see why she wouldn't do that to me.

 

Like I said, this was a mature relationship, and she really is a genuinely good person. I know that she is looking out for my feelings in the long run, but it doesn't make the present any easier.

[KatZee]

I appreciate the help, but I know with 100% certainty that this is not the case. She is not "finding herself" in a GIGS sense. She is finding herself in a "going to counseling, I have a lot of demons" kind of way.

 

She has had a lot of issues over her lifetime, and I really think there's only so long you can keep supressing them before they explode. Unfortunately, I was there when it happened.

 

I can honestly say that the most amazing, unbelievable, perfect, handsome, rich, and wonderful guy in the world wouldn't have a chance in hell right now with her.

 

Don't try to justify or rationalize what's going on. My ex pulled this same thing that your ex is pulling. He too has a lot of inner demons. He too said he needed to be happy first before he could be happy with someone else.

 

Do NOT contact her. I made the mistake of contacting mine after 5 weeks. I thought... "well, he gave me a lot of hopes at the end, he said he could see us starting fresh and being together once he was happy with himself!" So I reached out and it led to him calling me and we spoke, and to me, he sounded happy to hear from me! That led to even more hope... but two weeks went by and out of no where I got a text that said, "There is no 'us' it's my fault for giving you the wrong impression. Sell the jewelry I bought for you to pay your rent. Have a nice life, good luck, this is the last text I'll ever send you, lose my number." I was like... :confused::confused: excuse me? It was out of NO WHERE. The only thing that had to have happened was that he's had someone all along, or at least just before the split. Don't kid yourself that there isn't someone else, because once you get past this initial stage, you are likely to find out A LOT of hidden things.

[KatZee]

I can't even be mad at her. They say anger is part of recovery, but yet what did she ever do? One of the major reasons for ending it on her part was specifically because she didn't want to string me along. She knows that it will take her a long time to fix herself, and she couldn't keep me hanging around, knowing full well that she may see things differently in time. And part of me was hoping that she would contact me, but I can see why she wouldn't do that to me.

 

Like I said, this was a mature relationship, and she really is a genuinely good person. I know that she is looking out for my feelings in the long run, but it doesn't make the present any easier.

 

Oh, you just wait for it. I thought ALL of the above about my ex. I was like "ugh! I can't even be mad at him! he's doing ALL of this for my benefit!!"

 

 

.......................................please.

 

 

He said the same things, "I'm being selfish in keeping you! I love you so much I need to let you go. I can't treat you the way you deserve to be treated b/c I'm not happy with myself!" Blah freaking blah.

 

It's an act. He wanted to look like the hero. He wanted to be the "martyr" the "good guy" in all of this. He had no intention of ever being with me again, he didn't even have the decency to tell me the truth as to why he was really ending it. Yes, people go through things. Have inner demons. But in the end, she chose to leave. She chose to let you go. That alone speaks volumes.

[RogerWallace111]

Of course your mind knows it but your heart can't seem to agree, that's the way it is for most everyone who's been in a similar situation. Besides the types who are relatively detached and find one relationship to be just like any other and hop between them painlessly. I do know I a few of those.

 

Your heart will be feeling the pain, and it's going to no matter what. No doubt your mind won't be powerful enough to make that stop. But your mind can be powerful enough to keep your hand from going to the phone and calling her, or sending a text. That's what I'm trying to convey.

 

Like the drug addiction analogy. A smoker addicted to nicotine couldn't simply use their will power, saying "I don't want to smoke", and magically alleviate the desire. But they can say it and find the strength to endure the discomfort, deal with it, and not go buy a pack.

 

You're still clinging to some hope of her coming back, inevitably- but as cliche as it is, that almost certainly won't happen if you keep reminding her you're waiting. It's not about playing a game, it's about simple human nature. If that can be your only solid motivation for not contacting her, run with it. And eventually you'll have held out long enough to where the urges will have greatly lessened.

 

I agree with KatZee that you should try to refrain from spending a lot of time attempting to rationalize her move. I disagree that it's necessarily black and white and it's all some act on her part. Sometimes people really just don't know what they want, and that can be complicated by depression and other issues. Doesn't mean they don't love or care about you. I've broken up with someone on those grounds and it was the f*cking truth. I was confused. Yes, ending things with someone alone speaks volumes, but there are grey areas. It's not either a) I don't want you cause I don't give a **** about you or b) you're the one for me forever no question. There'd be no need for divorce if so. People change, enter new phases of life, grow apart, encounter their own issues. It happens. Why would anyone bother being in long term relationships that aren't guaranteed to turn into lifelong marriages ?

 

Not saying you'll reconcile with her. You probably shouldn't and most likely won't. Just saying don't take this idea that "she dumped you, she doesn't give a f*ck about you, probably never did, probably wants to **** other dudes" **** to heart. Yes, she wanted to break up with you, so you can gather that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. Beyond that, don't think too far into it.

Edited July 26, 2012 by RogerWallace111

[Occu3.14'd]

Of course your mind knows it but your heart can't seem to agree, that's the way it is for most everyone who's been in a similar situation. Besides the types who are relatively detached and find one relationship to be just like any other and hop between them painlessly. I do know I a few of those.

 

Your heart will be feeling the pain, and it's going to no matter what. No doubt your mind won't be powerful enough to make that stop. But your mind can be powerful enough to keep your hand from going to the phone and calling her, or sending a text. That's what I'm trying to convey.

 

Like the drug addiction analogy. A smoker addicted to nicotine couldn't simply use their will power, saying "I don't want to smoke", and magically alleviate the desire. But they can say it and find the strength to endure the discomfort, deal with it, and not go buy a pack.

 

You're still clinging to some hope of her coming back, inevitably- but as cliche as it is, that almost certainly won't happen if you keep reminding her you're waiting. It's not about playing a game, it's about simple human nature. If that can be your only solid motivation for not contacting her, run with it. And eventually you'll have held out long enough to where the urges will have greatly lessened.

 

I agree with KatZee that you should try to refrain from spending a lot of time attempting to rationalize her move. I disagree that it's necessarily black and white and it's all some act on her part. Sometimes people really just don't know what they want, and that can be complicated by depression and other issues. Doesn't mean they don't love or care about you. I've broken up with someone on those grounds and it was the f*cking truth. I was confused. Yes, ending things with someone alone speaks volumes, but there are grey areas. It's not either a) I don't want you cause I don't give a **** about you or b) you're the one for me forever no question. There'd be no need for divorce if so. People change, enter new phases of life, grow apart, encounter their own issues. It happens. Why would anyone bother being in long term relationships that aren't guaranteed to turn into lifelong marriages ?

 

Not saying you'll reconcile with her. You probably shouldn't and most likely won't. Just saying don't take this idea that "she dumped you, she doesn't give a f*ck about you, probably never did, probably wants to **** other dudes" **** to heart. Yes, she wanted to break up with you, so you can gather that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. Beyond that, don't think too far into it.

 

Roger,

 

You've got some good advice, and I appreciate it.

 

Not that it makes any difference, but I KNOW she isn't interested in another man.

 

Her life basically got flipped on its side over the past six months or so, and I KNOW that triggered a whole slew of other issues. She specifically told me she thought she was dealing with everything, but that's obviously not the case.

 

She was having anxiety and panic attacks all the time, and couldn't be comfortable anywhere. I can only imagine what it's like to be in that situation with no where to escape.

So when she enrolled in therapy, it had nothing to do with relationship issues. It had to do with her life. And while she told me that the only thing she had in her life that she was sure of was our relationship, it stung quite a bit when she came out of her therapy session realizing that not even that would fix her.

 

And I KNOW that the counselor recommended that it's not a good idea to be in a relationship. How can I compete with that? Even if she were considering getting back together, there would be constant reinforcement that it's not good for her. (I know this sounds selfish, but there are opposing schools of thought that focusing on the good things will help as well, like our relationship).

 

 

The big thing that bothers me is that I feel like collateral damage in this giant ****storm. I feel like it didn't have to be like this. It all happened so fast.

 

Part of me wants to contact her just to see how she is doing.

[Crila16]

I know it's killing you. I'm kinda going through the same thing, but this is how I look at it. If they're the ones that have ended it, you need to NC and let them come to you if need be.

 

OK...I've had a few boyfriends in the past that I ended it with. I've used the "I need space" line. What it really means is that either "You're getting on my nerves." or "You're smothering me." or "I'm done with all the fighting" or "I'm interested in someone else and need to explore it. If it doesn't work with him, I'll probably be back."

 

Here's the thing. If she tells you she wants a break and needs space or whatever she said...it's because she doesn't want you to contact her. She probably has a lot of guilty for breaking it off, and you contacting her will irritate her and she'll want to avoid you, cause you'll be making her constantly feel bad about it. Then after a while, you become like a little Natt...or Knat rather.

 

Seriously...NC. Don't even think about it. BIG mistake. You're not helping the situation. You only want to contact her cause you miss her, but she's not going to realize she made a mistake and want you back. If she wanted you back, she'd contact you. I promise you. The best chance you have of her possibly seeing the light is "NO CONTACT". Her ego will be a little bruised like "OMG...I thought I hurt him, but he doesn't seem to care." That will kill her...the fact that she DIDN'T affect you.

[steveblack]

I agree with all the posts. I think what you need to DRILL in your head is that your relationship is over! If you ever did get back with her, you probably need to start from scratch (if it ever got to that point).

 

It took me a good couple weeks of NC to realize this. She made the decision, you are hurt, now you must heal become a better person. Walking on eggshells sucks, and that shouldn't be how a relationship is.

 

NC for a little bit of time

[Occu3.14'd]

I agree with all the posts. I think what you need to DRILL in your head is that your relationship is over! If you ever did get back with her, you probably need to start from scratch (if it ever got to that point).

 

It took me a good couple weeks of NC to realize this. She made the decision, you are hurt, now you must heal become a better person. Walking on eggshells sucks, and that shouldn't be how a relationship is.

 

NC for a little bit of time

 

Believe me, I am trying.

 

I've read tons of threads on this site for help, but I really feel like I'm in a unique situation...

 

But then I really think about it, and realize that all of our situations really aren't all that different.

 

I just need to focus on the fact that while she may have all the problems in the world, it doesn't change the fact that she dumped me - plain and simple.

 

I am trying. Really. It's just not that easy.

[zanzi]

ehhh. This sounds exactly like my break up. For a paranoid moment I thought it was about mine, because of the time frame/ description of your ex. Grief makes one crazy.

 

In the same boat. Me and my ex towards the end, he felt like he couldnt do anything right. I didn't listen to how he felt, I was too busy with my problems, being the dramatic overbearing version of myself that repels just about everyone around me. In the end I dumped him after an argument, didn't mean what I said, changed my mind, texted him, got a text a few hours later, got home and he'd moved out. My bad.

 

I guess it was for the best. And in your situation, you need to be with someone who doesn't have so many issues that they become uanble to respect your feelings to. Give yourself time and space to think about what wen't wrong and you'll see when your honest with yourself that things ended because they were supposed to.

[ToyWithMe812]

You are right, she would never dump for another dude, go up a billabong dude...

 

 

Look, get a grip and some balls man. YOU are not important to her, grasp that and understand it...end of story..."I want you so bad..." don't matter, chicks are free to pick and choose man, end of story, no way around it

[ItsOK]

We've been in NC for 1.5 weeks. When we had the final discussion, there was no warning, no beating around the bush. She decided that she needed to find herself and be happy, before she could ever focus on anyone else. But this was so sudden and matter-of-fact.

 

She could still come back but for your own well being you need to brace yourself for permanent NC or you'll always be waiting around. I went through similar to you with a man who was supposedly the love of my life - but suddenly and without warning he severed contact. I didn't even get a "we're finished" or "goodbye"! I cried for the first six months then pinched myself and woke up. All these tears and regrets over a man who wouldn't even call me once in six months to ask "how are you?"