Mandi23k Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 I apologize for this long rant, but this has been haunting me for a while now and I just need some objective views so I want to provide as much detail as possible. I am 26, and have been dating my 29 year old boyfriend for almost 4 years. We have been living together for almost 3. We met online and started dating and got serious pretty quickly. Back story > My only other real relationship was with an abusive, older man (mostly emotionally and mentally but occasionally physically). This relationship started right before I graduated high school and lasted way too long. He had a drug problem that I also ended up developing for about 3 years (was with him for almost 5). However, I am his first long term relationship. My boyfriend is very safe. he is very respectful, what you would call a goody too shoes, and has all the qualities women look for in a stable man. He is usually fun to be around but he is a total dork. He plays video games and magic cards. Pretty much we are complete opposites. He likes to stay inside and act like a kid all the time and plan things in advance. While I am pretty spontaneous, love to be outside and exercise, and don't really play many games. This is something that drew us together in the beginning but now seems to be holding us back. We do have some things in common, but not much. When I met him, he was exactly what I needed (the complete opposite of my ex and the old me). So I think that is why things got rushed and moved so fast. But now I am in grad school and a totally different person than I was when I met him and I am wondering if he is going to be what I need long term. This is obviously an issue with me and not with him (how cliche, but true). This feeling started about 3 months ago. First I noticed my libido taking a dive, and then I started to notice that I am just not really attracted to him any more. Sometimes really dumb stuff that should not annoy me does. And I sometimes feel smothered when I should not, like when he kisses me or wants to hold my hand. Half the time I don't even want to be around him. Its BAD. A little over a month ago, I told him that things have not been feeling the same for me lately and that I feel like we lost that spark. He was very upset and we both agreed that we would not do anything rash and try to work it out. But ever since then he has acted like we never even talked about it and nothing is wrong. Now, recently I found out that my new birth control was causing me to have depressive thoughts. So I talked to my Dr. and have been off the medication for about 3 weeks. She said I should feel back to normal in about a month. So far, everything seems to be better, except all the relationship stuff. So now I am trying to wait it out to see if it is the depression, just a rut we are in, or if it is time to call it quits. I kind of feel like I have already made up my mind, but I am afraid of making a hasty decision and then regretting it later. I have started to look at new places, but won't be able to afford a deposit or anything unless I save for a few more months. But on the other hand I am terrified of living alone and not having him around. Because I really do care for him and I know I will miss his friendship. I just find that I CAN'T be intimate with him (or enjoy it anyway) no matter how hard I try. And now I am am pretty sure that he thinks this will all be over and we will be back on track once my depressive symptoms go away, but I am not so sure. I feel like there is this cloud over us and all of the sudden. This week it seems like he magically remembered that we had that conversation and he bought me flowers "just because" the other day and is now suddenly interested in doing all these things I have been begging him to do for years. I think he realizes that I am pulling away and is trying to save it, but now I am not sure if I want him to or that it can be saved. I also don't think his new found interest will last for long and is just an attempt to rekindle what we lost. It is so confusing! I guess I really am not sure if I should trust my intuition (which is telling me it is time to move on to other things) or if I am just in a rut and will start feeling better once I am fully back to "normal" after this depression. But I was starting to feel some of this before, so I am not sure if it amplified it. Either way, I don' t have the means to move out for another few months and I am hoping it might work out before then and I wont' have to. If I do move out, he will have to also unless he can find a roommate. But on the other hand, I don't want to drag something out that is obviously not working because I am afraid it will damage us BOTH more emotionally in the end. Especially since right now he is thinking that this is getting better and I am on the fence but leaning towards it not. Any advice? Should I just keep waiting? Should I try to talk to him more or will it just hurt him more and make us both miserable? Re-reading this it seems like I should wait, but living this every day does not seem as realistic and doable (like it is easier said/though than done/lived with). Please help.
jrh1524 Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 No offense, but you sound like a bitch. You should break up to save this nice guy some future pain of being stuck with you.
crosswordfiend Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 It sounds like you don't respect him anyone. Over the years, your expectations of life have changed whilst his have remained more or less static. He is probably wondering what he has done wrong, and the answer is nothing. The two of you have just grown apart. It's time to break up with him.
utterer of lies Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 This feeling started about 3 months ago. First I noticed my libido taking a dive, and then I started to notice that I am just not really attracted to him any more. Sometimes really dumb stuff that should not annoy me does. And I sometimes feel smothered when I should not, like when he kisses me or wants to hold my hand. Half the time I don't even want to be around him. Its BAD. This says everything. It's over. Break up.
crosswordfiend Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 Don't worry about it, very few women under 40 are capable of respecting a kind, gentle man. Fingers crossed he'll be there to help you pay the bills when you inevitably break up with more men that really turn you on *cough* your first relationship *cough* Kind and gentle is just that. I know people with autistic spectrum disorder who are kind and gentle. Is that enough? Also, the measure of a person changes over time. Not that this is the case here, but an aspiring rock star working as a bartender at age 20 is ok, but if 10 years down the line, the guy is doing the same thing he starts to become a loser even though he hasn't changed one bit.
Author Mandi23k Posted July 27, 2012 Author Posted July 27, 2012 Don't worry about it, very few women under 40 are capable of respecting a kind, gentle man. Fingers crossed he'll be there to help you pay the bills when you inevitably break up with more men that really turn you on *cough* your first relationship *cough* Wow throwing my ex in there like that is who I am going to end up with the rest of my life? Being with someone who is abusive is a very serious issue and just because I am having problems in my relationship with a good man does not mean that I am destined to end up with someone who will beat me. I am not sure what that comment in there about helping me with the bills was all about since neither of us could financially afford the place we live by ourselves. I don't need him to pay my bills nor does he need me, but if either of us wants to keep our current place or needs a deposit for a new place, that is obviously a factor that I need to keep in mind. He does not pay my bills, we split our common bills (electric, cable, etc.) and we pay our car and phone bills ourselves. This was never about money or him paying my bills. It is also not that I do not respect him. I have been going through depression because of a medication that I have been on and am slowly getting over it. Depression is also a very serious issue that everyone seems to be blissfully ignoring in their responses. Maybe you have not been educated about depression but those commercials that say "depression hurts" its true. I hurt every day. I also have hurt him , my friends, my family, and our pets because I could not get out of bed in the morning and I cry all the time for no reason. I could barely function a few weeks ago and am surprised I even made it to work or was functional there. It has been getting better but not everything is back to normal. I have been having low libido and I am not sure if it is a side effect of the depression (which is one of the biggest ones along with withdrawal from other things/people you love). So I decided to put up this post to see what others thought and hopefully get some insight from other women who have had similar reactions to birth control related depression. This is obviously something that is very serious, painful, and hard for me to think about and go through. Yet you come in here an post immature comments about how now I am destined to end up with people who beat me just because I am considering leaving a decent man. We are both good people, but just because someone is a good man, does not mean that we are meant for each other forever or that we cannot grow apart like plenty of other couples do. If i had known the immaturity level on this site, I never would have posted here. This is very serious and painful for me and I am really confused as to if this is a side effect of depression (which it is listed as a side effect) that I should give some time to see if it goes away, or if this is something that was starting to be an issue and the depression magnified it. The reason I am so unsure is because other things have been better for me lately like work and friends but for some reason this is the one thing that does not seem better yet. I am not sure if it is because he is the one I am around the most (we live together) and I can't hide my thoughts/feelings as well as I can to my family and friends, or if this is a long term problem that I should be addressing more openly with him. (Remember that I did have one conversation with him about it before we found out it was depression and he acted like nothing happened). If anyone has any helpful, mature, and non hateful advice or perspectives, I would love to hear it. Otherwise, please keep your immature comments on someone else's posts.
Author Mandi23k Posted July 27, 2012 Author Posted July 27, 2012 It sounds like you don't respect him anyone. Over the years, your expectations of life have changed whilst his have remained more or less static. He is probably wondering what he has done wrong, and the answer is nothing. The two of you have just grown apart. It's time to break up with him. Thank you for your mature and insightful opinion/response. This is what I am afraid of, that maybe we have grown apart. If this was happening independently, I would completely agree and end it to save us both more pain and suffering. However, since depression is involved, I am finding it hard to sort out which came first, the depression or these other feelings. Are they part of the depression or just magnified by it? This is the dilemma. This is a very hard decision and after talking to my friends, I think that ultimately I need to give it another month or 2 to be sure if these feelings are valid or if they are caused by the depression. Being depressed makes you think a lot of things that are not true and feel like situations/things are ****ty/hopeless even when they are not. So I think the only way that I can truly be sure is to wait it out. I am just not sure what to do in the mean time when he is trying so hard to be nice and understand the depression and I feel like an ass because I am trying to figure out if it really is the depression or some deeper issues that we are having. I care about him and don't want to hurt him and I am just hoping that these feelings will subside once the depression fully has, but I am afraid of dragging this out and hurting him more if it ends up being my true feelings after I have recovered from depression.
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