Husband used me for sex

[Try]

So because of all these things I haven't been as interested in sex as I used to be. Down to once every week or two weeks. I haven't refused him, but have sometimes created situations to make sex impossible (staying up late when he has to get up at 4:00am, going to bed and falling asleep right away...)

In "His Needs, Her Needs" the book lists the top 4 needs of men and the top 4 needs of women. In this book you will learn that of the top 4 needs of men, the need for sex is at the top of the list, yet for females it does not even make this list. From your husband's male perspective, you creating "situations to make sex impossible" is just as hurtful to him as him using your body just for a sexual release is hurtful to you as a female. Both of you are wrong. You both need to address this now. You need to make a better effort to meet his needs and demand that he make a better effort to meet yours. If you do not address this soon, both of you will develop legitimate resentment toward each other that could lead to the end of your marraige long term.

[DaisyLeigh]

No he wasn't.

 

He had no obligation to provide her with sexual release.

 

He was fully entitled to be just as selfish as she has been regarding their sexual relationship.

 

WOW. Thank GOD I don't have one of these selfish women for a wife! I don't understand why a man would want to have sex with them.

 

Geez, I don't always have an orgasm, especially if I am on prescription pain killers from the accident I had. But I LOVE to see my wife getting off, and pound away while the steam is coming out of her ears.

 

She does that for me too. Talk about the red carpet - when it is that time of the month, it's BJ time! That's what she wants. It isn't an "obligation". She loves seeing her husband get off, just like I love seeing my wife get off. My God, it's like complaining about seeing your spouse beaming because you bought her flowers!

 

Oh God it was so disgusting how she was smiling... she used me like an errand-boy... I feel so dirty. Hahahahaha! This doesn't have anything to do with sex. It has to do with viewing your spouse as an enemy.

 

 

 

You cannot speak for me. I don't think that the OP's husband was necessarily right, but that doesn't mean my husband and I do not enjoy getting each other off, even if one doesn't get "their's".:love:

[KungFuJoe]

Op,

 

You and your husband are acting like spoiled little brats. That's the honest truth. Take it from someone who has been there. Swallow your pride, both of you, and sit down and discuss it. Honestly.

 

No more of this playing games bull****. It's obvious you both want sex...so libido is not a problem. But this has gotten to a point where you are BOTH trying to use sex as control and power. Neither of you wants to give in, which is why your husband didn't give in to your initial advances but then later had sex when you went to sleep. He wanted it on HIS terms, not yours. And you only want it on YOUR terms which is why you create situations where sex is impossible for him to initiate. So just sit down and face each other and talk about it. It CAN be as easy as saying to each other, "you're my husband/wife, I'm with you because I'm attracted to you and I want to **** you". It might sound corny, but when you are openly honest about your raw feelings to each other, it works wonders. Raw honesty is reciprocated.

[g450]

Would you prefer that he went elsewhere? If so, tell him. If you want love he can stay home. And it he just wants sex he can make other arrangements. Does that work?

 

A man needs sex even if he isn't swooning with passion. I'm sure he had no idea that this was somehow injurious to you.

 

This reminds me of my new Wife. I told her on several occasions that I was horney but didnt want to wake her (I work nights). Her answer was "honey if you get horney just wake me up and **** me. I wont mind, Im your wife"

 

I absolutely love this woman! Complete opposit of my first wife.

 

I agree, some women just dont understand that us guys sometimes have the need and dont have the time or energy to play the game sometimes. Sometimes we just need a quicky. What are we supposed to do? Masterbate while she sleeps? I told my Wife this one time and she laughed and said if I did that she would tell me "bring that thing over here" LOL.

 

I guess I just dont understand how women think and never will. But at least I know where my girl's head is at LOL. This whole "he is just using me thing" just kind of rubs me the wrong way. Christ, your supposed to love the guy and meet his needs. And he is supposed to meet yours. Marriage is a JOB. It takes WORK and compromise. Some people just dont get that sadly. That's why there are so many sad stories here. Including my own (to be honest).

[g450]

I don't see why you think your situation had any parallels to a woman whose husband used her as a masturbatory tool without her consent or participation.

 

Unless...

 

It wasnt wouthout consent. She didnt have a gun to her head. She could have said something to him. Why didnt she? I think the water here is a bit deeper than it actually looks.

[pteromom]

Marriage is a JOB. It takes WORK and compromise. Some people just dont get that sadly. That's why there are so many sad stories here. Including my own (to be honest).

 

But how much of a JOB should it be? That's the big question. Compromise should be about both people willing to give what the other person needs, but if it is feeling like a JOB to do that, I don't think it's a healthy relationship.

 

I think marriage should be first and foremost, a friendship. Not a job.

[KungFuJoe]

This reminds me of my new Wife. I told her on several occasions that I was horney but didnt want to wake her (I work nights). Her answer was "honey if you get horney just wake me up and **** me. I wont mind, Im your wife"

 

I absolutely love this woman! Complete opposit of my first wife.

 

I agree, some women just dont understand that us guys sometimes have the need and dont have the time or energy to play the game sometimes. Sometimes we just need a quicky. What are we supposed to do? Masterbate while she sleeps? I told my Wife this one time and she laughed and said if I did that she would tell me "bring that thing over here" LOL.

 

I guess I just dont understand how women think and never will. But at least I know where my girl's head is at LOL. This whole "he is just using me thing" just kind of rubs me the wrong way. Christ, your supposed to love the guy and meet his needs. And he is supposed to meet yours. Marriage is a JOB. It takes WORK and compromise. Some people just dont get that sadly. That's why there are so many sad stories here. Including my own (to be honest).

 

I agree with most of what you're saying but you and your wife have a strong, healthy relationship with trust and a good foundation. That's why she is fine with you just "using" her. Do something to hurt her feelings and let's see how willing she is to let you "use" her next time.

 

The problem with the ops situation (and ANY sexless relationship) is a weak foundation. Fix the foundation, steady your relationship, and the rest will fall into place.

[g450]

WOW. Thank GOD I don't have one of these selfish women for a wife! I don't understand why a man would want to have sex with them.

 

Geez, I don't always have an orgasm, especially if I am on prescription pain killers from the accident I had. But I LOVE to see my wife getting off, and pound away while the steam is coming out of her ears.

 

She does that for me too. Talk about the red carpet - when it is that time of the month, it's BJ time! That's what she wants. It isn't an "obligation". She loves seeing her husband get off, just like I love seeing my wife get off. My God, it's like complaining about seeing your spouse beaming because you bought her flowers!

 

Oh God it was so disgusting how she was smiling... she used me like an errand-boy... I feel so dirty. Hahahahaha! This doesn't have anything to do with sex. It has to do with viewing your spouse as an enemy.

 

Yeah my Wife is the same way. She even bought me a bell to ring if I wanted a BJ. Did I mention I love this woman?

 

Sad part here is that the OP is using sex like a weapon. Much like my XW did. Its a very cruel thing to do to a man.

 

The solution to OPs problem is she did not communicate well enough. Its all about communication. YOU TELL your H what you want. Wow, imagine that concept. Actually telling your H what you want (gasp!). Some women forget the fact that us men are simple creatures. We do not deal with inuendos and doublespeak. Just say what you mean and mean what you say. It's not rocket science.

[g450]

But how much of a JOB should it be? That's the big question. Compromise should be about both people willing to give what the other person needs, but if it is feeling like a JOB to do that, I don't think it's a healthy relationship.

 

I think marriage should be first and foremost, a friendship. Not a job.

 

What I meant by JOB is that it takes WORK from both parties. What a marriage should NOT be is a GAME. And that is what the OP was turning their sex life into.

 

Hard hard would it have been to just tell her H: "I need xxx from you?"

My XW used play silly assed games like the OP did. In my current marriage my W simply tells me "I want this and need that". And that's exactly what I give her. And she recipricates the same. Again, it's not rocket science.

 

And for the record. My Wife is also my best friend first and foremost. So at least we can agree on that.

[g450]

I agree with most of what you're saying but you and your wife have a strong, healthy relationship with trust and a good foundation. That's why she is fine with you just "using" her. Do something to hurt her feelings and let's see how willing she is to let you "use" her next time.

 

The problem with the ops situation (and ANY sexless relationship) is a weak foundation. Fix the foundation, steady your relationship, and the rest will fall into place.

 

See this is what I have an issue with. It seems that with some women, every time you have sex with them we are somehow "using" them.

 

Where the hell does that train of thought come from? Take your pussy off the pedestal for a whole hot minute and think. What if she also uses me?

 

Me and my wife LOVE to have sex. Hell even angry sex is good. But I genuinly feel sorry for women who equate having sex with their SO as "being used".

 

I think next time I make love to my Wife I will tell her she just "used me". She will probably laugh her ass off when she hears that.

 

Seriously though. The whole sex = being used thing is getting old here. You act like the OP didnt enjoy it. What's next? Her H maritally raped her?

[Mme. Chaucer]

WOW. Thank GOD I don't have one of these selfish women for a wife! I don't understand why a man would want to have sex with them.

 

 

Look. This couple obviously has problems. No doubt that the OP is a contributor to them. Probably, their marriage is in some trouble and if they both care, they are going to have to work on it seriously.

 

The husband's behavior that she's posting about is wrong. It is pushing their relationship much further into the negative zone.

 

Right or wrong, few women are DTF when they are feeling crappy about their relationship / marriage. I'm pretty sure that most men who are in successful relationships realize this and refrain from poking their sleeping wives when there are big problems looming between them.

[KungFuJoe]

See this is what I have an issue with. It seems that with some women, every time you have sex with them we are somehow "using" them.

 

Where the hell does that train of thought come from? Take your pussy off the pedestal for a whole hot minute and think. What if she also uses me?

 

Me and my wife LOVE to have sex. Hell even angry sex is good. But I genuinly feel sorry for women who equate having sex with their SO as "being used".

 

I think next time I make love to my Wife I will tell her she just "used me". She will probably laugh her ass off when she hears that.

 

Seriously though. The whole sex = being used thing is getting old here. You act like the OP didnt enjoy it. What's next? Her H maritally raped her?

 

The op didn't enjoy it. How is that even a question?

 

It's very possible to be raped by your own husband/wife...though that isn't the case here.

[g450]

The op didn't enjoy it. How is that even a question?

 

It's very possible to be raped by your own husband/wife...though that isn't the case here.

 

Yes it is possible. But thats not the case here.

 

And she did enjoy it because she made zero effort to stop him so the OP was being dissengenuous.

 

She wrote: I made no reaction to what he was doing - I clearly was not turned on or enjoying myself - but I didn't stop him

 

As others have said already. She teased him and then tried to play cold fish. He decided he wasnt going to let her play that game and got his. Oh the humanity!

 

I think the OP should just divorce this criminal "user" before he starts raping girl scouts.

 

But from where I sit I wonder just who is using whom. Her manuplating him with sex should be just as criminal IMO.

[KungFuJoe]

Yes it is possible. But thats not the case here.

 

And she did enjoy it because she made zero effort to stop him so the OP was being dissengenuous.

 

She wrote: I made no reaction to what he was doing - I clearly was not turned on or enjoying myself - but I didn't stop him

 

As others have said already. She teased him and then tried to play cold fish. He decided he wasnt going to let her play that game and got his. Oh the humanity!

 

I think the OP should just divorce this criminal "user" before he starts raping girl scouts.

 

But from where I sit I wonder just who is using whom. Her manuplating him with sex should be just as criminal IMO.

 

Are you unable to read English or something? What part of "I clearly was not turned on or enjoying myself" do you not understand? Just because she didn't stop him doesn't mean she was enjoying it.

 

You also misread her initial post. She wasn't teasing him then trying to play cold fish. She initiated and he didn't respond so she gave up and went to sleep. THEN he decides, "Oh...I think I would like to have sex now" and starts screwing her.

 

They are BOTH playing games with EACH OTHER. They are both equally at fault here. They need to solve this TOGETHER.

 

Why is this ridiculously simple concept so confusing for people?

[princess_e]

No he wasn't.

 

He had no obligation to provide her with sexual release.

 

He was fully entitled to be just as selfish as she has been regarding their sexual relationship.

 

WHAT? He has no obligation to provide her with sexual release which somehow also means he is entitled to selfishly treat her like an object to get himself off?

 

NO SEXUAL OBLIGATIONS and TREATING WIFE LIKE A SEX OBJECT are independent of one another. They are unrelated. "Since I have no sexual obligations towards my wife, it must mean I use her hole to get myself off regardless of her feelings towards my actions" REAAALYY??

 

Your claims are (and have mostly all been) beyond invalid and incoherent, like you are seriously embarrassing yourself man.

[Radu]

WHAT? He has no obligation to provide her with sexual release which somehow also means he is entitled to selfishly treat her like an object to get himself off?

 

NO SEXUAL OBLIGATIONS and TREATING WIFE LIKE A SEX OBJECT are independent of one another. They are unrelated. "Since I have no sexual obligations towards my wife, it must mean I use her hole to get myself off regardless of her feelings towards my actions" REAAALYY??

 

Your claims are (and have mostly all been) beyond invalid and incoherent, like you are seriously embarrassing yourself man.

 

They come from the same thing, which is selfishness.

 

I thought long about what to answer to this, mostly because i have some personal experience with this.

I did talk with a certain LS user who gave me her input on how she views this.

I think i can empathise with the OP, about how it felt.

I think i can also empathise with the OP's husband, thought what he did is just plain wrong.

 

Overall i agree with g450, you guys don't communicate and use sex as a weapon in the marriage, so you are both at fault for the state of your marriage, though if you want to know if he is at fault for what he did [and just that] then he is.

 

---

With my last gf, i had an interesting arrangement.

We both tried to make love 1-2 times a week, long passionate sessions, ok ... rarely 2 times a week.

But sometimes we did not have time for this, or one of us was too tired for it.

So we came up with the ideea of using one another.

She would sometimes use my morning wood, and sometimes i would jump her during bed, or do a quickie with her doggie style on the kitchen table [when late for classes].

We were just bf-gf, but i realised later that one of the reasons that she did this [she said it ... men can't read minds so i asked], is because she was horny and wanted something fast [used also a rabbit after i came from her jumping my morning wood], or that she was tired and wanted to sleep ... but otherwise she would have been ok.

I think our passionate sessions kept the balance, as she loved those and came several times in most of them.

I realised how nice she was when she told me that she was ok with passionless quickies in which she didn't come before i went out because she didn't want me nervous on the job/school.

 

I don't think many women realise that we too feel vulnerable with you.

Quite frankly if a woman wants to punish us by killing us, it's either knife or poison, but 8hs of the day we stay helpless by your side and you could do so much damage it's unbelievable.

I also believe that once you are in a marriage you do have obligations.

You must keep your partner happy and viceversa.

I honestly don't think that the OP and her husband are in love anymore, or have what it takes for marriage.

Edited July 27, 2012 by Radu

[Eclypse]

I think both are in the wrong here. I don't like passive-aggressive behaviour from women and it pisses me off. Although the husband sounds like a jerk to me. My girlfriend pulled the whole "I'll just lie here and you use my body as a receptacle" thing a few times and it really is not appealing. I just don't want to have sex with someone lying there like a starfish who is obviously not enjoying it. For me half of the enjoyment of sex is knowing that the other person is getting off as well.

 

The OP however should definitely have said something. There's no use just lying there without letting him know it's bothering her, then going to vent online. Men aren't mind readers. He should have realised she wasn't into it, but for whatever reason he didn't.

 

Regardless, there appears to be a serious communication breakdown in this relationship and you need to address this.

[Els]

The op didn't enjoy it. How is that even a question?

 

Precisely. I don't get how people can not see the difference between a person lovingly giving of themselves to their SO even if they don't feel like it... and a man just taking without bothering about whether she wants it or not. Do they really need someone to go into the nitty gritty to them about how 'accepting an offer' and 'taking whatever you want as long as the person isn't fighting back' are two completely different things? Mind-boggling.

 

Nor can I fathom how a husband can possibly enjoy having sex with a non-responsive woman who is clearly not enjoying herself, unless she has expressly let him know that she really wants to do this to make him happy. If a man ever tried to pull the 'zero effort to stop me me means you are actually enjoying it!' or 'what am I supposed to do if I have NEEDS while you're asleep?' or 'He decided he wasnt going to let her play that game and got his' bullcrap with me, that would be the last time he would ever have sex with me. Ever.

 

Also, typical shaming techniques on the OP for not stopping him in time. Yes, of course she should have stopped him. The woman who gets groped by a stranger should also have kicked him in the balls and then handed his sorry ass over to a policeman instead of staring at him in shock for a few minutes and then walking away. The woman who gets hit by her husband should have tried to defend herself instead of just taking it. The people watching someone get beaten up on the street should have done something to intervene instead of watching in shock. But guess what.. we're human. We make mistakes. Those mistakes do NOT excuse the actions of the perpetrator.

 

I don't think the OP will win a criminal case against this man, but IMO she should be thinking very hard about whether or not this is a R she wants to stay in. Nobody is saying the OP is faultless, but really, there are much bigger problems than that here.

[CarrieT]

The OP however should definitely have said something. There's no use just lying there without letting him know it's bothering her, then going to vent online. Men aren't mind readers. He should have realised she wasn't into it, but for whatever reason he didn't.

This was my take as well. As soon as the husband started and the wife didn't stop him to say, "Hey, I approached you an hour ago and you weren't interested - now I am not so please don't do this."

 

She is culpable if she didn't communicate her disinterest when the act started. The blame is quite 50/50 here, but she has no right to complain if she is not communicating either. She let herself be used and the disgust is in part the act itself but also - I imagine - the fact that she is disgusted with herself for not saying something when she had the chance.

[frozensprouts]

OP,

it sounds like you should tell your husband how you feel about what happened. Explain your side of it and give him a chance to do the same. Nothing is going to change between you two if you don't talk about it.

 

Does he realize how stressed out you are right now? Is he stressed out too over some things in his life?

 

I don't men to sound trite or imply that this is a "quick fix" that will solve all your problems, but it does sound like the two of you really need some time to yourselves to reconnect and just have some fun together in a stress free environment. Is there anyway you can get away, even just for a few days so you can reconnect a bit and talk over some of the issues the two of you have been having?

[hotgurl]

So last night I felt ok to have sex, want to bed, gave the usually signals but he didn't seem interested. Eventually I gave up and rolled over to sleep. Shortly after he spoons me, starts groping me and poking me, put it in and does his thing and goes to sleep. At first I was going to get into it, but then I realized he was not interested in having sex with me and instead just wanted to use me to get off.

 

I made no reaction to what he was doing - I clearly was not turned on or enjoying myself - but I didn't stop him because I just couldn't believe what was happening.

 

I actually feel for the husband. I can see how he was confused. She gave the signals. he spooned her she got into it than not. Also ht eop doesn't mention how long after she rolled over that he starts feeling her up. She says shortly after. Hell s could have been five minutes later.

 

so yes he is guilty of being clueless but it sounds as if the don't communicate at all.

 

Sometimes in the middle of the night if I can's sleep my husband and I have a quickie no foreplay really just down to business. I don't feel used or anything.

 

Once I was into sex but for some reason I started feeling fat etc.. and than I wasn't into it but when I just let go of that mindset and just enjoyed the sex it was great. so does that mean for the 5 or 1 0 minutes i wasn't into it my husband was raping me- how absurd.

[Els]

Once I was into sex but for some reason I started feeling fat etc.. and than I wasn't into it but when I just let go of that mindset and just enjoyed the sex it was great. so does that mean for the 5 or 1 0 minutes i wasn't into it my husband was raping me- how absurd.

 

I don't think anyone said he was raping her? That WOULD be absurd. Using someone for sex really isn't the same thing as raping her. I personally don't think the line of 'rape' was crossed in this case, anyway.

 

The thing is that the OP has not returned to clarify her post, so nobody really knows whether she really was giving him conflicting signals DURING sex and he was just confused and clueless, or whether she genuinely did not move or respond at all and he just continued doing the deed, finished, and turned around without another word. 'Going to get into it' doesn't necessarily mean that she gave him any response at all, yet. It's possible that he might just have been confused, but it's equally possible that he was a pristine reflection of gt450's post - ''He decided he wasnt going to let her play that game and got his''. The former can be solved with better communication, but the latter cannot.

[Snakechammah]

That may be a big part of the reason that your own is failing.

 

This is just plain rude! This post has nothing to do with her, and she wasn't even talking to you, and you're getting personal. Unbelievable!

[Rughead]

What is the "usual signals" because I feel like I do almost all of the initiating.

[Krytie TV]

Hey OP, your post seems odd to me. I just can't fathom this incident/response process. I have been know to do to my wife exactly what you described without her feeling anything negative about it. But then, I consider us to have a healthy relationship. Why does this behavior, in isolation, lead you to go from feeling normal to used? There is something else very much going on here, and I would offer that part of what's wrong is your mutual sexual attitudes/comfort. To react like this to what seems an isolated incident points to way more of a problem than sex. My opinion, obviously.