karmapol1ce Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 (edited) So here's the sitch. I am 31 year old male divorcee living in a big metro city to the west. about two months ago, i met a beautiful vibrant girl living near me. we had an amazing second date that began with us going to multiple restaurant and bars and ended with us having one of those glorious no-sleep nights that you can only hope to dream about. since then, i've found out more about her. besides being beautiful and interesting, she is very funny, smart, charming, supportive, and very giving. our sex life is outstanding, and we share very similar senses of humor. what's more, she seems to really want to be in love with me. but i keep feeling that i can't commit. that i shouldn't commit. that i don't want a girlfriend. that i still don't want to be looking through the shop window at other girls with my nose pressed against the glass. that i was in a committed relationship for seven years without cheating. and that i'm not ready to settle down on one woman. and that it might take that perfect woman (who might not exist) for me to ever want to settle down again. as such, in this two months, i've taken her on dates, but never really brought her completely into my world. a lot of our interactions have occurred after a night out with my friends, or whatever i had to do that night. and i had told her on many occasions that I wasn't looking for anything more. this pushed me all the way until a week and half ago, when she told me that she wanted more, and that she was afraid of waking up and being in love with me. I tried to do the right thing, so i broke it off with her. i could see the tears on her face. she responded not with anger but with understanding and compassion, and actually wrote me one of the sweetest, most insightful letters, i've ever read. we tried to cut off communication. but after week and half and me traveling and talking with my closest friends and missing her, and exchanging correspondence about missing each other, we slept together again. the next morning (yesterday), she woke up and asked me where my head was, but said that she knew now that we couldn't be friends and not lovers. that it was move forward or nothing. and to my and her surprise, in the spur of the moment, i said, "okay. let's give this a try. let's try you being my girlfriend." she was prepared to say goodbye to me and move on. for about an hour i had a sea of calm like, "yes. i've made a decision." my closest girl friends rejoice at the idea of me trying to have a relationship. and for a split second i felt like i had made the right choice. since then, i've had hours of anxiety and back and forth. last night, i invited her to hang out with some friends, for the first time. though she performed admirably, i didn't necessarily have that great a time. i've been pre-occupied with the idea of all the relationship backwash. we slept together again last night, but something felt strange. i felt unexcited and unemotional. it's like we've flipped this switch, and things are supposed to have leveled up even though i don't necessarily feel comfortable. Today, after a morning of sex, which was fun but my mind was somewhere else, i'm riddled by guilt and anxiety. should i end it after a day? say i'm sorry and back out? talk to her about it? say, "hey i really like being with you? but i'm an ******* who might still want to sleep with other women?" end it and have her REALLY hate me? Say that i really care about her but i think we might've rushed a little too far and that i feel uncomfortable with the leap? the idea of causing her pain AGAIN is really making me hate myself. i throw this situation to you oh mighty loveshack board. Edited July 25, 2012 by karmapol1ce
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 I think you should just do nothing right now. Go with it and see how you feel after a week or two. It sounds like you are just scared. I felt the same way after I committed to my last relationship (surprise, surprise - girls can feel it too). What helped me was telling myself that I am still free to break it off at any time. 1
It's Just Me Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 You're not ready, for whatever reason. It can be regular pain now (while it's still new), or MEGA-pain later - because that feeling will come back to haunt you. Be completely honest, though. For what it's worth, I've been on the receiving end of that kind of situation, and never got proper answers. To this day, even though I worked through it after a while, it still pains me that he couldn't say it wasn't anything that I had done wrong.
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