How Do I (Politely) Tell Boyfriend to Get Rid of Some Clutter?

[wildgeese]

My boyfriend and I are in the process of moving. I've always known this about him but usually just shrugged it off since we didn't have our own place before: the man is a packrat. He's 24 and keeps notebooks from high school (as in ones he took notes in...not like a journal or anything), old clothes that he'll never wear again, weird little knick-knacks that he likes to display that I'm sure have some kind of sentimental value for him but are typically just junk, etc.

 

He's the type of guy who will use the same sheets for years (washing them, mind you, but they're still old!) and wears the same t-shirts he's had since he was 16. The only reason he ever gets new clothes is if I buy them or if I pick them out. And it's not like he's helpless or anything - he's just honestly not interested in acquiring new stuff. He likes his old stuff and if it ain't broke, why fix it? (His mentality, not mine.) It'd be endearing if we didn't have to pack it all up, move it, and then find space for it at the new house! A lot of it has got to go.

 

But how do I say that, nicely? I don't want to be unreasonable and I don't want to be a jerk. I just want our home to be nice and clutter-free. I don't care about a lot of it and am perfectly fine with him keeping the kitchen table that was his parents' when they first got married and the box of childhood mementos like baseball gloves and yearbooks. But other things are just taking up space.

 

Anyone dealt with this whole merging of the households, and the crap, before? How did you go about it?

[darkmoon]

you sound wildly incompatible

[wildgeese]

you sound wildly incompatible

 

That's kind of a ridiculous assumption from one area of "conflict".

Edited July 25, 2012 by wildgeese

[haribogumsnickers]

Just be honest and speak your mind. No need to be polite, just be real. Tell him that you only want the house to be clutter free. When it comes to finding the space for his stuff, let him deal with it. Just keep it out of sight and in order. You're set so go handle it already and don't stress yourself out:D.

[TaraMaiden]

Compromise.

 

All the mementoes, store in a box (or 2...or 3...!) in a safe place, where they won't get damaged. (Think of how historic they'll be when they're found in 200 years!)

And if you decide to buy clothes, tell him that in order to not accumulate too big a pile of rags, for every new thing that comes in, one old thing has to go - but let him choose what it is. However, he must do it the moment you get home, and he has to let you throw it away.

Get an inexpensive display unit, and let him keep his stuff on there, and if you ahve room, or a study, keep it all there - but he's responsible for cleaning and maintenance.

 

If you have known about this, like, for ever, then you have to compromise. There's a reason - a psychological reason - why people 'hang onto' the Past.

It identifies them now, and validates their 'journey', but if it becomes obsessive, then it can be damaging.

As a Feng Shui consultant of old, you have nooooo idea how many people do this. Hundreds. Thousands. Gadgillions.

 

"Clearing the clutter" is extremely cathartic - but only if you want to really do it.

Forcing someone else to clear their clutter when they don't really want to, is akin to asking them to have a limb sawn off.

It 'hurts' and threatens their mental and emotional security.

 

Which is why gentle compromise works best.

 

PM me for further solicited (and free) advice if you want to!

[FitChick]

Tell him to store it at his parents' house. That way if they toss it out, you won't be blamed.

[Els]

Honestly, it strikes me as slightly dismissive to say something like 'weird little knick-knacks that he likes to display that I'm sure have some kind of sentimental value for him but are typically just junk'. If they have sentimental value to him, they're not exactly 'just junk', are they? Material goods are what you make of them.

 

That being said, I think there's a fairly easy way to deal with this. He packs and moves his own clutter. That should settle half of your gripe. As to having to find space for it in the new house, well, compromise. Surely there's SOME sort of storage area that he can put his own personal stuff in? If there isn't, work together to designate one. I don't think it's fair for only one person in the household to be able to decide what is 'taking up space' and what 'has got to go'.

 

I honestly think that whatever personal affects someone chooses to keep, they should be entitled to it and their decision to do so respected. He also needs to respect your need to not have everything sprawling over the living room and the fact that he should be responsible for the packing of his own stuff, of course.

[TaraMaiden]

I honestly think that whatever personal affects someone chooses to keep, they should be entitled to it and their decision to do so respected......

Actually, it can reach dangerously ridiculous levels... like the elderly guy whose garage was so full of stuff you could only walk three feet into it - and amongst all the stuff, was a jar, with a label bearing the legend "Bits of string too short to use."

 

True story.

Hopeless.

 

I can smell it now, if he has half a brain he'll see this as a prelude for worse things to come and bail.

 

Half a brain? Is that generosity or empathy?

 

How can you make such a sweeping condemnatory declaration without knowing the situation?

[Els]

Actually, it can reach dangerously ridiculous levels... like the elderly guy whose garage was so full of stuff you could only walk three feet into it - and amongst all the stuff, was a jar, with a label bearing the legend "Bits of string too short to use."

 

True story.

Hopeless.

 

ROFL. Well, yes, I suppose we should add such a disclaimer. It doesn't sound like the OP's bf is going to such dangerous extremes, though. From the OP's description, sounds like a few boxes' worth of stuff at most. Hardly anything close to the elderly guy.

[wildgeese]

I realize now how harsh that sentence about "junk" sounded, and I really didn't intend for it to sound as if I think my stuff is holy and his is crap. I don't think that way. I just mean that a lot of the things that he holds on to are broken or otherwise generally grungy. I don't mean that I think his memories are junk, that's absurd.

 

He is well-aware that he holds on to things. His friends have joked about how much of a hoarder he is. This isn't an issue of me being a big, bad super-controlling girlfriend, but I guess you can interpret it that way. He has an issue with holding onto stuff, whether it's broken or not, whether he really "needs" to keep lugging it around or not. But I've realized that he really does need to, at least right now. That's where I need to be more understanding.

 

We talked about it. He was actually the one to bring it up while he was packing and asked what he should do with a lot of it. We decided to separate documents and things between "important" (tax forms, bank statements, leases, etc) and "not so important" (school papers, old band flyers, etc) and store them accordingly. He said he felt bad for hanging onto all of the stuff and that he knows it is a hassle to move, but that he's not ready to get rid of it yet and he doesn't want to burden his parents with all of it.

 

I guess I was just feeling anxious at dealing with this problem as I didn't want him to feel attacked or confronted. It didn't even come to that and we've compromised between the house and the attic.

 

Thank you for the majority of comments.

 

PS - He did have a tin can labelled "broken guitar strings". So we were well on our way.

[Art_Critic]

Anyone dealt with this whole merging of the households, and the crap, before? How did you go about it?

 

Many times.. it takes compromise from both parties, not just from him.

 

Since when do sheets get re-bought before they were worn out ?

A good set of sheets should last a couple of years...

 

My wife is a pack rat while I throw it all out..

She pack rats stuff in the closets and I keep my woodshop pack rat free.

See the compromise there ?

 

If you think you can control every aspect of his personality and change him.. think again.

You need to learn to live WITH him rather than make him conform entirely to your life and he will have to do the same thing with the things he doesn't like about your life...

 

Also... pick your battles... arguing over a can of broken guitar strings is just dumb IMO.. what is wrong with the can being in the closet if he wants to keep them ? after all.. isn't it also his home.

 

Good luck.. just decide what is important enough to you and explain that to him and hopefully he will meet you half way.... the rest you need to learn to let it go...

Edited July 27, 2012 by Art_Critic