7 year relationship - 3 months pain... close to breakup! HELP!

[popvix]

Hi everyone,

 

Im going through an awful time now with my girlfriend of 7 years and 3 months - we both met each other when we were 13 and ended up going out with each other from the age of 18. We fell in love really quickly and spent most of our time together for about 6 year - which put pressure on our relationships with our families and our friends since we were so wrapped up in each other.

 

So in 7 years we had some amazing times, and also some tough times,... but each and every time we got through things together and were an inseperable team. Its something we would always tell each other how it was so amazing that we could get through anything together, and up until april this year, nothing had changed. For years we've always had this "connection" that other couples never seemed to have, which we would always talk about. We would have business ideas which we would sit and think about together for fun, and lots of dreams and aspirations about travelling and stuff (we've been to asia about 3 times now),.... its quite cliched but up until all our problems started, we honestly thought we were just incredibly more stable and better than alot of shallower relationships.

We would nearly always tell each other the truth, no matter how bad it was, and would always face problems together as a united front. Our friends and families more or less considered us "joined a the hip"... in short, we were unseparable.

 

We both left university at the age of 21 and set up a business together which did well for 9 months, then did VERY badly for 18 months which left us in alot of debt. Around the age of 23 we decided that i should try and finish off current business, while my girlfriend applied for "real" jobs - one of which she took which was in london, 300 miles and a world apart from our home town. So we moved away from our families and friends and started a new life in the south.

 

for the first year, i was out of work so we literally lived on barely any money - so my girlfriend was unable to take part in alot of the social activities that her work mates did... which at the time we had no choice over the matter so this wasnt an issue. However i then managed to get a very very good job, and our income more than doubled overnight, meaning within 6 months of gradually getting our financial situation better - meant we had the option to spend our money on more than just incidentals etc.

 

Because of this, my girlfriend started to socialise more and more with a group of similarly aged people who were all recruited at the same time into the company - this has become quite a tight group, and they spend alot of evenings and weekends going out to nightclubs and bars and restuarants, it was quite a "cliquey" group i gathered, and some times when i enquired about these evenings, i was told they were for "graduates only" - which was a way of saying it was something that their specific group wanted to do, and wanted to exclude any outside friends or boyfriends. I felt quite left out at this point, despite the fact i wasnt really interested in what they were doing To begin with, My girlfriend and i had been training alot in the gym - so she didnt take part much in these events initially, but after we both had gotten into good physial shape and my girlfriends confidence about her own looks and charm increase, she then started to do this more and more, which meant it was detracting from the things we did together, and concequently, since i'm a very very jealous natured person, meant i would just get frustrated and upset the more and more her social calendar was geared away from me.

 

This all came to a head one evening when we were both drunk, and i told her to leave and never come back... although to my complete surprise - she actually did that and packed her belongings and left... The day after i realised that this wasnt a game anymore, and i suddenly felt very cold and alone... the day after, i called her up and after some coersion, she agreed to come home and we could talk about things..

 

... when she did, alot of the obvious problems in our relationship came to light - mainly centred around the routine of our lives, which admittedly had become too formulaic involving going to the gym monday to friday, then sitting in on saturdays and sundays with pizza and wine. Other silly niggles and stuff were covered and at the time they seemed like massive fundamental issues (she told me she was wondering what it would be like to be with other men) but soon after i realised they were just symptoms of a bigger problem which was to start living a bit more and expanding our circle of friends etc etc. She also pointed out alot of my own personal issues which i more or less agree'd to all of them and wanted to resolve them since she was more important to me than the silly things i did.

 

Unfortunately, although this ground was covered within the first 2 weeks and the major issues put behind us - the arguments still happened, usually based around me getting angry about how much time she was spending with work friends, and staying out late drinking (when we first started going out, she never drank) and planning weekend activities with them. I was feeling very left out and unimportant so this made things worse since i didnt feel she was making an effort to balance work, play and relationships - and instead was on a slippery slope back to where we were before this all. This came to a head AGAIN when another evening where we were both drunk and arguing - i emailed a few of her work friends telling them all how unhappy i was with them and my relationship with my girlfriend.. this was absolutely dumb on my behalf and although it never had massive effects with anyone concerned, my GF has become increasingly resentful of the fact i did this. Whats worse is that i did something similar about 3 years ago when she broke my heart somewhat after admitting she had been flirting with some other men at university - which being high school sweethearts and naive... hit me alot harder than it should have.

 

So after banning her from see'ing friends and the weekend, then having a careless attitude and giving her free reign to do what she wants since i couldnt ever think i could control her, its got to the point where i can tell she is simply sick and tired with it all and keeps saying things like "i know we'll break up... sooner or later" or tells me that she just feels "numb" towards me and us. I dont blame her for feeling like that and just being honest with the way she feels - but i think at this point she keeps reflecting on how she feels right now, and not looking at how it compares with 7 years previously with no problems at all like this.

 

Last week she went out 5 nights in a row starting on monday and through to friday night where she crashed at a friends house overnight... I dont think it was a totally deliberate attempt to keep away from me, but she seems more or less to go along with any social occasion, to the exclusion of thinking if its going to make things worse for us - tonight she's supposed to be going out AGAIN with people from work which will make it 6 concecutive nights in a row where she has been out drinking with them. I was arguing with her this morning about this and asked her to stay in with me - but she said she just didnt want to spend time with me, which i can understand is just being honest, but i just dont feel like she wants to even TRY and go through the grit of rebuilding us as a couple.

 

At this point it might look like we're through - but there are loads of times when she will admit that 3.5 months ago she was determined that we were going to last forever and get married etc. And/or when i try and tell her that we have something so special together, and try and clear a path through all these problems, i can somehow see in her eyes that our love is still there.

 

Alot of the times when we talk, i can tell she has barricaded herself behind a number of issues - and when i can break that resentment, i can always see the love inside her. Or when i go back over recent times where we've had a great time, she admits they were good. The problem is that she doesnt seem able to think like this unless i'm trying to remind her of it. I think she's trying to stop the pain of working through things by putting up an emotional wall - but i think all its done is dragged the issues out further, and now its been three months since this whole issue started off and its obvious we are both sick and tired of it all.

 

Unfortunately whereas i'm sick and tired and just want to get over it and be happy, she seems afraid to want to come back to things properly and just mark a line and move on - she has retreated into the attention of her friends from work who obviously look better in this light right now, than her miserable boyfriend at home.

 

The problem here is that its essentially 3 months of pain, dragging down 7 years of more or less fantastic times in terms of love and companionship and working together as a unit. I'm very very worried about breaking up with her since i would essentially be alone in a part of the country where i have only a few friends and no family, and i would have lost the greatest thing ever to have happened to me. She doesnt seem so worried since she has a large network of similarly aged friends who would most definately support her through a breakup by distracting her i guess... The thing is that when i look deep in her eyes, i just know she loves me and is just finding it mightily difficult right now to look past current events and give our relationship the chance it deserves.

 

She never denies that she's worried that she might move out and we break up, and then realise she's made a totally massive mistake - only when i put this in front of her does it suddenly click in her mind, but never when we arent arguing.

 

How can we work through this problem... its so difficult trying to work on things when we both work full time jobs, she has a group of friends who all enjoy her company and she enjoys theres right now, and she doesnt really want to sit down and keep re-opening wounds and making us upset, even if it MIGHT save our relationship. I feel im carrying the torch of hope this time around, while my girlfriend is finding it very hard to see the good in us any more, we really need to find a way to get some clarity on the whole situation so we can either move on together, or whatever else... I love her so much, im just desparate to get back to what we had only a few months ago.

 

Thanks for listening and any advice would be great.

[jonyx18]

unfortunately this seems some what like what i went through my EX- fiancee and i started having problems the last couple of month we lived together he started going out friday n saturday and coming home drunk out of his mind at the begining i would fight but after i started seeing that all i got was a beat down and eighther way he did what he wanted so i decided the last 5 month we was together to let him do what he wanted leave the weekend let him come home drunk days later

 

guess what he left me 4 month ago after i let him do everything he wanted and it just resulted with a bigger problem he was cheating on me the last couple of month.

 

he was bored of me

 

the love wasn't there and instead of sitting down with me and telling me the truth he wanted to explore and screw and party around he kept telling he loved me even after he left

 

total crap of **** they r just used to being with u

talk things out becuz i promise u it is just getting worst

[popvix]

Hi guys,

 

Yesterday we talked things through again and i showed her this post - and asked her if it was a fair explanation of our situation and what she thought of it...

 

Initially she seemed really cold and said she would have simply have stated that she wasnt interested in me sexually, and wanted to try out other men and a single life without any responsibility to anything or anyone... we sat and talked about this for ages and once i started asking her the motivations and reasons behind things, she didnt seem so sure at all that the things she thought she wanted on the surface were actually true.... when she told me she didnt find me attractive, i asked her about this and her response was along the lines of basically wanting to get back the thrill that we all have when starting out on a relationship - you know the kind of thing where the slightest kiss or touch is enough to turn you on... she said she wants to have that feeling back... i told her that was exactly the way i felt but that in long term relationships you cant rely on the "magic" to be there without any effort, it takes effort once you pass the infamiliar stage where anything and everything is a turn on. She agree'd with me that we can have fantastic sex and when we make an effort things can be magical... then i went through all the things that maybe she takes for granted with our relationship ... the tiny little things we all miss when we're single... to which she couldnt deny any of them..... she broke down a number of times and cried alot.

 

... anyways, after i just talked her through everything she was feeling and explaining that all the urges about sex and freedom were exactly the same as what i had been through at one point - although the difference was that i had reached a wise decision about taking one thing over another a long time ago and im happy with that...

 

 

This morning she woke me up and told me she had been to CHURCH while i was asleep... we are in NO WAY religious people so this completely bowled me over.

 

She cried alot and basically told me she was completely messed up and didnt know who she was any more... going to church meant she was suddenly surrounded by alot of good and pure people and i think it basically put the fact that by their standards, she was living in Sin (not my words, hers) and that said alot to her... She admitted that life is just too difficult these days and people are too throwaway and rather than fix something that is broken... they just get rid of things.

 

I was amazed by this to be honest... and she wants me to come along next weekend to see it all.

 

 

Having said that, she's had some confused moments today where she just looks exhausted... i feel sorry for her in that way- but we've hugged alot and felt alot closer.

 

Hopefully we can move in the right direction now ...

[formerly Joseph]

ok good, now dont push things, take it easy and LIVE LIFE LIKE IT USED TO BE, nevermind discussing stuff every moment; thats too stressful.

you also need to have your own life away from her, friends, pastimes, etceteras. This way she misses you, and looks forward to seeing you when you get home. instead of being so clingy.

you cant play Dr. Phil and expect her to listen to all your analysis, and say "oh ya, thats why this isnt working" if she really wants this, she'll make an effort on her own.

But that's where you come in, and make it easier for her to come around.

Good luck Bud.

[popvix]

I think today things have more or less come to a head and we've pretty much agree'd on break up terms.

 

I asked her about what her heart keeps telling her, and how she feels in general before we argue or even talk things through - she admitted that all she thinks about is how and when we'll split up,... rather than the things which i think about which are based around wanting to fix things.

 

Its obvious she just has an itch she needs to scratch, and until she leaves and experiences the freedom she doesnt know of (both sexual and general) and the wanting to know if there is anything better out there for her - this issue is not going to go away.

 

Its obvious in a way there are a whole number of reasons behind all of this - mostly due to becoming part of a very promiscuous group of "free" people, quitting taking the contraceptive pill also had a very noticeable efffect on her also hormonally, and gaining alot of financial and social independance after we spent such a long time being "held down" by lack of money, or other ties.... has her questioning what she has.

 

In the past when we've been through this "breakup zone" i've had very empty feelings inside and ive never felt so panicked or low... at the moment i just cant get rid of the whole disbelief of the issue - if anything i feel numb. Theres also a part inside me which more or less expects her to move out and then come running back to me,...

 

I think im deluding myself though... im wondering whether after three months of this heartbreak im finally coming to terms with things - or whether or not everything is just going to hit me like a ton of bricks in the days or weeks to come - I dont know how im going to cope with that. I very much doubt i'd turn to alcohol, and i dont have friends shoulders to cry on or really anyone who i would want to talk to about this with anyway, at least in person.

 

I cant help but blame everything thats happened to us on circumstance, and not on anything that is fundamentally wrong with us as people - how can i come to terms with a breakup that doesnt seem to have happened for any 'real' reason other than a chain of events and people and the bad influences that the world places on us all....

 

Its probably going to take 2 weeks for her to move out - i really want to be able to keep a lid on things, although i can just see myself trying to convince her "doctor phil style" that this is wrong at some point... but i just KNOW that this approach doesnt work.

 

These long slow painful breakups are hell.

[joseph]

well, youve agreed to break up..I think it would be wise for you to come to terms with this and try your best to move on. Sure it's going to be tough.

There will be a huge void in your life, but by the sounds of it she hasnt really been there much lately anyway.

So once shes finally gone, you can meet friends and aquaintances to fill that void. Do things to keep your mind off her. Also, you must have family to talk to during this ordeal?

The hardest part is going to be waiting for her to get her stuff out. once this happens, you can begin to heal, and trust me, you'll feel like crap for a little while anyways, but it'll get better, I can tell you this from my own personal experience. Ive been through a similar situation.

Just be smart about this, you seem like an intelligent person.

Good luck with this, it'll be hard, but worth while..because remember, if she doesnt make an effort on her own, no amount of convincing and preaching will make her think otherwise.

Wouldnt you rather have a woman who wants you and loves you; rather than someone who requires pleading and begging..dont do it my friend.

Anyways

cheers

[popvix]

Thanks mate

 

Last night i met her off the train from work and we walked home together - then we just sat down and pretty much just talked for at least 3 hours.... no arguing or any pursuading or anything.

 

We just covered the reasons why this was happening, and how things would go on. We both agree'd that we didnt know how the heck we were gonna get through this - since we both have an amazing past together and we've done so many things together.

 

One of the things i talked about is how difficult it was going to be to compare all the things we've been through, and life experiences (travelling around the world, university, moving in together, moving away from families, starting our business etc etc) and we were going to find it difficult to find anyone who could possibly compare to the level of things we've experienced.

 

All throughout we had this funny kind of positive vibe where we were starting to reflect on the good in our lives, rather than the problems... and by the end of the night we ended up going to bed like we normally do, and just fell asleep after hugging each other alot.

 

This morning she seemed very tired and confused about things, since we spent 20 minutes just cuddling and touching each other (non sexually - just being close to each other) to enjoy what we always had together, but have found it so difficult to do for the past few months.

 

All through this though, its obvious what will happen - and her leaving is not about to change. She left this morning for our home town since, unfortunately, her grandma died yesterday the same time we made the decision to break up, so the two things hit at the same time.

 

in the next two weeks a friend of hers is coming down here to work and she will be moving in with her - so by the time she comes back early next week, it will simply be a case of having a few more days together before thats it.

 

Its very wierd how things have been since last night - its like we suddenly became close again, and there was a realisation of the whole REASON we have been a couple for all these years - but at the same time its happened right at the point of no return.

 

In my own stupidity, im still laying bets in the back of my mind that "we" will somehow or in someway become something again - despite what is happening. I think its got to the point where we arent fighting any more and its hard to put up the defences and pretend we have a bad relationship to the level she thought we did - its painful because i can see it written across her face that she doesnt know what to do, and she still loves me (she said that a number of times last night) but she just MUST move out anyways to find herself, even if it IS a mistake.

 

I need to find my own way of moving on though - i wish i didnt love and care about her so much.

 

Sorry for all my rambling.

[joseph]

listen bud, its hard for sure, no one doubts that, and theres always those special feelings for her im sure..I had a very very similar situation...and if I think about her, I still care about her very much...but would I ever go back...no. A healthy environment for both of you is what is best, and im glad you do realize this.

Don't apologize for rambling, lol, thats what this place is for.

cheers mate.

[RoboHobo]

Hi popvix,

as joseph said there is no need to apologize. We are here to listen and support, say what ever it is that you need to say. Don't let it all bottle up. You seem to be handling the situation very well although you are hurting so much. Be proud of yourself for that. Stay strong and you'll be fine.

[popvix]

Thanks guys....

 

 

Feeling completely frustrated and almost angry this morning. Last night she called around 10 pm and it was like the clock was wound back 3 years to before we moved in together after university. She was telling me all about her day, what she had done, and everything about the arrangements for her grandma's funeral. We talked about stupid stuff like what she had for dinner and basically it just felt like the old days.

 

At one point i stopped her and said "why do you call me?" ..... to which she replied "because your my best friend" - then when i asked, she said she doesnt have any one else from her friends who she can talk to like this.

 

At the end of the call it felt wierd since we would usually end it by saying "good night, i love you" - and you could tell we both were scrambling about for words on how to end the conversation.

 

 

This morning i woke up and just started thinking about this all again. The date when she is supposed to be moving out will be the weekend after this coming one, and she is apparently coming back here around monday or tuesday - she's made it clear she wants to talk to me on the phone each evening,... and i just feel strung along and used for what she can have from me that nobody else gives her. Im STILL in the false hope that the empty/sick feeling that ive been going through will suddenly hit her and she will come running home ... its a twisted fantasy that is perpetuated by the fact that there are so many arrangements that we need to make, and hence, contact that we have to keep up just to break up smoothly.

 

I almost feel like she's using me to make the breakup easier for her - since she essentially wants certain freedoms, but at the same time she wants all the things she NEEDS from her relationship with me, and im sitting here .... the girl i wanted to spend the rest of my life with has got up and left - and im having carrots dangled in front of me.

 

I mean, how can you break up with someone, but that person STILL wants to lie in bed with you, hug you, talk to you ...... I cant help but feel she is being an emotional parasite taking what she needs from the different people in her life, regardless of what it means.

 

I felt like writing her a letter detailing all this - but i dont think its the right time. To be honest, since monday morning she hasnt had a chance to even sit alone and think about anything since her grandma died, and im sure a letter from me going on about how i feel im being strung along, how i still keep hoping etc etc is not going to have the effect i wanted it to have.

 

Part of me wants to take the phone off the hook tonight to force some distance between us - although all im doing that for is to try and make her miss me, if i was being honest im counting the minutes till she calls.....

 

Oh well, another day being put through the mincer

[RoboHobo]

You are very perceptive. She is using you as an ointment to ease the pain of the breakup. It is very unfair of her to be doing this. Yeah, she is in a lot of pain at the moment and needs a friend to talk to, but what about your needs? Her dragging you on a string is only going to prolong your pain. You need time to heal your own wounds. I'm sure that you guys will at least have an amazing friendship in the future, but until you are ready to be there for her as a friend you must distance yourself. This doesn't mean you guys cant be in contact at all, but if she's going to be phoning you every evening you are both going to find it hard to move on. I believe that you need to be able to make yourself happy and be strong on your own. Sure being with her brings you happiness, it's going to happen if you love her. The same applies to her, she needs to find her strength and learn to cope on her own. For a while put yourself first, think about what you need. I know you want her because you love her, but if/when you no longer have her what will you need to be strong and happy?

 

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Although not exactly the same, my current situation is similar to yours, so if it's any help at all at least know you are not alone in this and that there lots of people supporting you.

[popvix]

Oh damn, im writing an essay here - i just want to let it all out though ...

 

She texted me about 25 minutes ago with "how are you doing today?" - i didnt have any credit on my phone to call her back so i called her to let her know. She asks me how im doing any my answer is "well, awful.." and i basically just explain what i said in the post above about how im feeling confused about the contact between us and how all its doing is putting hope in my mind etc etc.

 

Things started to degrade a bit and i quizzed her on the real reasons she was calling. She explained that she hoped it was helping us that we talked to each other when we felt like it, and she was worried about me and what i might do over all of this. (In the past i'd said to her i sometimes thought suicide was an easy ticket out of pain - which i think although its something i would NEVER do, i was just commenting on how i just wanted to turn out the pain of life as easy as that. I think this worried her i might do something stupid)

 

I mentioned to her that i had overheard people talking about break ups and how some people who have been together for a long time, have a "break" and then end up getting back together. I said all this contact was keeping that going in my mind and asked her if in the early days of this happening (3 months ago) if a break was what she wanted, to which she agree'd.

 

Then she said for my sake, it would be better for me to just consider this as something that will NOT be a break, since she didnt want me sitting around waiting for something that probably might not end with her coming back.

 

I went over the whole reason this happened and how it happened in the first place and said i felt she has/had no respect for me at all to leave me in a single day after over seven years and a pretty lame argument. I wanted her to at least have attempted to explain her feelings before this all happened, and when she came back initially - to have done something about working through problems, even if they ended in breakup ... but instead she spent the time making things worse and upsetting me the way she was going on a week by week basis (drinking, partying etc).

 

Her answer was that she wanted the initial break to be permanent, and although the past three months have at least seen us talking things out a bit.. she would have preferred to have have kept the initial break THE definative one.

 

This just annoyed me since i have moved heaven and earth for this woman in terms of my life... The sacrifices ive made, the paths ive taken... and more importantly moving to a completely alien part of the country where i have NOBODY apart from her... I just expected that being together so closely with someone for more than alot of people have been married - would have warranted some kind of build up or at least a period where i would have been made aware of things.

 

Towards the end of the conversation i asked if the text she sent me was for her benefit or mine, and she said it was moreso for mine since once again, it was due to worrying about me etc. We coldly agree'd that we needed to stop contacting each other, and ended the conversation like that.

 

With this in mind, i'll not see her till next week when she returns to get her stuff - whether she stays to finish the week or not im not sure......

 

Theres actually something good coming out of this i think - Im actually starting to resent her and the way she's acted, rather than feel so empty inside. The pain of rejection hits much harder ive found and if i can get that out of the way and at least push forward knowing she has taken a legitamate problem and sorted it out in the worse way possible... And then expected to dip back into our relationship like i was put on this earth to pick and choose from whenever she needs all the things were right about "us".. might at least help me let go of her mentally.

 

Sounds silly, but i really really want to get laid or start getting to know another person just so i can put a full stop at the end of our relationship and make it permanent.

[popvix]

Originally posted by RoboHobo

You are very perceptive. She is using you as an ointment to ease the pain of the breakup. It is very unfair of her to be doing this. Yeah, she is in a lot of pain at the moment and needs a friend to talk to, but what about your needs? Her dragging you on a string is only going to prolong your pain. You need time to heal your own wounds. I'm sure that you guys will at least have an amazing friendship in the future, but until you are ready to be there for her as a friend you must distance yourself. This doesn't mean you guys cant be in contact at all, but if she's going to be phoning you every evening you are both going to find it hard to move on. I believe that you need to be able to make yourself happy and be strong on your own. Sure being with her brings you happiness, it's going to happen if you love her. The same applies to her, she needs to find her strength and learn to cope on her own. For a while put yourself first, think about what you need. I know you want her because you love her, but if/when you no longer have her what will you need to be strong and happy?

 

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Although not exactly the same, my current situation is similar to yours, so if it's any help at all at least know you are not alone in this and that there lots of people supporting you.

 

Thanks Mate, i appreciate the understanding - it helps me untangle what i feel, and more importantly ..... the bigger picture Its so lonely and wierd thinking about living alone and coming back to an empty house each evening....

[RoboHobo]

Yeah, it suck an enormous amount of arse. It's going to for a long time. Never feel alone though, because you aren't! If you need company you know where to come. For now I'd be cautious about getting into another relationship, make some friends and enjoy life. You've just come out of a place where you were dependent on your partner, don't fall into that trap with someone else. A partner is meant share our lives not become it.

 

BTW, we are glad to have you here, although I truly wish it were for a happier reason.

[popvix]

Day 4 and the pain is starting to ease a bit, as much as im completely demotivated at work since i get to sit in silence and end up unfocused and motivated, ive had tons of people i know from both my family and my friends offering me their time to talk etc.

 

I told my mother about this last night and she was devastated, she considered my ex gf like one of the family and more or less expected her to be her daughter in law eventually. A few other friends are completely shocked and amazed aswell and just cant believe it - but they have all spoke with me about it in a caring manner .... ive been deliberately open about everything so as not to sit and stew in my own juices about things.

 

My mother even called today and offered to pay for my brother (who is on holiday from university) to come and visit me for a weekend for some company... its a great feeling to think there are people who will reach out to help.

 

I also started packing her belongings away last night, and put them into extra strong bags - its helping with clearing my mind out i think.

 

Only bad thing is waking up in bed alone - not being able to touch or even talk to someone first thing is very difficult.

 

 

Hopefully i will only speak to her maybe once between now and the time she comes back, or hopefully none at all - so i can start coming to terms with things myself, and finally realising that the END is the END.

[popvix]

turning this into a bit of a blog - but its helping in the early days.

 

Feeling MUCH MUCH better this morning, my focus is starting to turn away from her and us... and more towards what i want from life now i have to move on. Waking up alone this morning wasnt as difficult as the few days before and i actually walked into work this morning with a smile on my face, instead of looking like i'm about to kill someone

 

The more i gradually churn things over and over in my mind, the more clear its becoming at least and what i've found really helps is firstly reading this forum and at least trying to help, or sympathise with people in similar circumstances - its easier to see your own issues if you can see them first in someone else, at least with me it is.

 

Also, not holding back from telling alot of people (i used to bottle everything up and get over my issues long before i let anyone know about them in the past) from more or less the get go, has made it a ton easier. I used to have a very difficult time trusting anyone with my emotions, apart from my now ex-girlfriend... but its good to know that there are still people in this world who do care and will make an effort to help you out - even if on the surface sometimes you lose sight of that aspect of people.

 

Im not convinced today will be complete plain sailing, and i wont have some low, unmotivated moments but hopefully by tomorrow i'll have healed a little bit more

[RoboHobo]

Excellent to hear you sounding so much better. You've got a really great attitude to all this. I really enjoy being kept updated on your story, it helps me cope with my own issues. I know what you mean about helping others, I feel exactly the same way.

 

I was wondering what you do for a living. I'm a graphic designer, but for a long time I have seriously been considering studying psychology.

 

Anyway, keep strong, and keep us updated.

[popvix]

Hi Mate, im a web developer... former web "designer" so we arent too far different in that respect

 

The only bad thing about the job is you get alot of time to yourself, so those are the hardest moments when you can just sit and do nothing more or less feeling down on yourself and mulling over problems. I think people who have very interactive jobs have a much easier time of it with stuff like we're going through.

[RoboHobo]

yeah, I'm definitely with you on that. The amount of time I spend alone in front of this damn computer is not good for me. I need to be kept busy constantly right now, another reason for the amount of recent posts. You mentioned that you and your ex started a company together, is she also web developer? My ex is a graphic designer too, she is really good but stuck in a crummy job that is killing her creativity (yet another outside influence that helped to end our relationship). She is working for a web development company at the moment, and her boss is a complete a***hole. I can't wait for her to get another job where she can flourish.

 

Oh, and I have to ask. Mac or PC? I'm a huge PC supporter but am forced on to a Mac at work, which is incidently(sp) where I access the net.

[popvix]

Yeah we both started a web development firm, although im no longer self employed and she's working a completely unrelated job now - we still have some loose ends from the business though, so trying to work through those is going to be tough since i just dont want anything to do with her right now.

 

PC or MAC - gotta be a PC since ive sold my soul to microsoft and visual studio but having said that ive owned mac's in the past few years and loved em, and of course i have an ipod

[RoboHobo]

Yeah, the iPod's great. I really don't enjoy Mac though. They are pretty but no where as versatile as PC's.

[popvix]

First weekend since we broke up, ... its been a mixed bag.

 

Last night was the first time ive drank alcohol since this all kicked off.... i had nearly 2 bottles of red wine which isnt more than what i'd usually have (yeah i know its alot) so i wasnt having MORE to make up for the situation.

 

It was ok till mid way through the night when i basically couldnt concentrate on anything (computer/movies/reading) for longer than 20-30 minutes before feeling down and doing something different to feel better. By the end of the night i was just lying in bed watching "Top Gun" and couldnt face watching the love scene ... at which point i turned it off. The booze and movies just reminded me of what we used to do at the weekends, and it just got me frustrated that it is all finished with now .... just felt very melancholy

 

 

This morning my brother tells me a friend of his saw my ex back in my home town a few days ago.... my stomach turned and i got frustrated and angry at the same time since it stopped me having "general" thoughts about her and us, and instead im starting to have specific "where is she, what is she doing" type thoughts. They have really wound me up today and its only 9.50am - all i can think about is what im going to fill the day with to stop grinding myself up over her ...

 

Feeling more angry in the past few days, .... complete and utter remorse and contempt for everything that is being taken out of my life by this situation. I was packing her belongings away yesterday (they are all sitting in bags in the living room) and obviously every single item i was packing away had some kind of story behind it which felt like daggers in my heart with every letter, photo etc that i packed away.

 

I just want her to go through as much pain as ive been through right now - i am totally angry that she hasnt, or wont go/gone through the anguish ive been through. Ive read that dumpERS go into autopilot to begin with and only after a period of time the emotions of break-ups hit them, whereas the dumpEES have this from the get go..

[popvix]

Hi All,

 

Pretty much entering the final stages of "the split" in an official capacity.

 

Last week she left the day after we agree'd she had to move out, after finding out the same day that her grandma had died in her home town 300 miles away.

 

I arrived home last night from the gym to find her there, sitting reading her old diaries in the living room where i had packed her belongings into 20 heavy duty bags. She said hi to me which i only responded with her name. Then she said "how are you doing" to which i had spent the whole day expecting this question and thinking of how to answer it. In the end i couldnt find the words to say and said nothing and walked straight into the kitchen. We spent the rest of the evening in separate rooms (me upstairs and her downstairs packing her stuff again).

 

I live in a small "gallery level" flat, so essentially the bedroom upstairs overlooks the living room with a balcony - so i could hear everything she was doing. I turned my light off upstairs at 10pm to go to sleep, and she did the same a few minutes later. There was no discussion of sleeping arrangements and she automatically slept downstairs on the sofa. At this point it was hard enough trying to sleep, but then all i could hear was the sound of her text messaging. At this point my usual highly suspicious and jealous nature came back to haunt me and i just lay in bed stewing thinking about who she was texting at this time of night, and what was being said.

 

This morning i woke up at 6am for the gym and got ready, a few times i looked over my bedroom balcony to her downstairs to see her sleeping - all i could feel then was how the innocent sleeping version of my ex girlfriend was probably the only thing that didnt make me angry these days, since the awake version does nothing but anger me inside.

 

I woke her up to remind her of money that she owes me, and to remind her that i go to bed at 10pm and if she was planning on going out that evening past that time - to stay at a friends house. I dont want to spend another evening stewing while she is out socialising with a group of people she has chosen over me.

 

All through the night, and even this morning i was constantly wanting her to try to talk to me - i just wanted the satisfaction at that point that she cared, or that she was in pain... but nothing.

 

Ive been really calm and more collected since yesterday (her text message to say she was coming home yesterday morning wound me up for a good 30 minutes) ... i really dont want this to be because she's "around", and that ill end up going back to square one when she's gone for good this weekend.

 

Im wondering if at any point she'll try and talk to me about anything. I know she expected us to just become close friends after this, and wonder if she'll try and broach this subject again. Ive told myself time and again though that i MUST NOT sit and go through any more details with her anymore. In all honesty all i want to do is tell her exactly what i think of her, but that wont bring anything positive about.

[RoboHobo]

I'm really sorry. I wish I had more to say other than I hope that things will work out for you in the end. I think they will, you are a good person.

[popvix]

ok so basically the end is here, 99% finished.

 

So yesterday i mentioned that i asked/requested that now she was back at 'our' flat - that if she intended in going out drinking with her work friends past the

time i go to bed at (10pm, i get up early every morning for the gym and stuff) .... that she would stay at a friends in order to NOT disrupt things.

 

... i asked this yesterday morning and was told that NO she was going to a sports tournament she was involved in and would be back before 10.

 

So i get home at 7.30 that evening to see all her work clothes and laptop still in the house - so i thought, "ok she'll be back before 10"...

 

At 10.30 i cracked and called her... to be greeted to the blaring noise of a bar, so she was out AGAIN, had went against our agreement, and succeeded in winding

me up and disrupting my life while she pleases herself.

 

I initially told her that the front door was now bolted shut and she wasnt being let back tonight, since it was obvious at this point she intended in staying out till the early hours... while i lay in bed unable to sleep with stress and annoyance. A few phonecalls later, one of which where she hung up - she agree'd to come home, which she did at half past midnight.

 

I had prepared a list of all the things she was doing and acting like since the "end" was reached, and how they were in complete contempt towards me, anything we had, or my family... and how that in light of this disrespect, i would find it very difficult to play ball with her financially since we took out a loan a

while ago in her name. The threat of me refusing to pay her what she thought was "fair", versus the "unfair" treatment she was giving me right now seemed to hit the spot. I know it was petty blackmail - but even if we go through this amicably, im going to be MUCH worse off financially over this entire thing, so i pretty much expect some respect for that face.

 

We went back and forth through the details of the "breakup procedure" (nothing about why/who/when/how any more) and basically she agree'd to sleep at a

friends house from now until she moves into her new place, which she had arranged that day. We agree'd that she was allowed to come back the saturday after next between 12-4pm to pick up all her belongings and make trips to and from her new home with the help of her 'friends' ... i will not be around at this point.

 

Initially she had expected to spend the next 2 weeks doing as she pleases (which usually ends up going out drinking/socialising 3/4 times a week and coming home either very late, or not at all) ... to which i said i wasnt going to stand for this at all. I have to live in this house and make it my home, and i didnt think i should have my life disrupted and be put through any more pain by her continuing to act the way she is, and with the people she shunned our relationship in favour of. I dont blame her for wanting to keep away - but im

pretty much finished with feeling like the place i live in, is a crash pad for someone else when they feel like coming or going.

 

At this point it was clear that our relationship was not going to end on any nice or decent terms, since most of my arguments or reasons were met with contempt or disagreement, and i ended up alot of the time degrading into taking petty shots at her with the way i felt (inappropriate i know). This morning we both woke up and sat around in a pretty sarcastic manner till she left at 7am. She turned to me and asked "so we arent going to do some big goodbye then?" - to which i just shook my head.

 

So thats it, apart from when she comes to get her belongings which i will be absent at - we are through and she has moved on and sorted herself out a new life. We have some loose ends financially, which will no doubt rear their head at some point, but we've agreed to conduct any correspondance via email from this point on.

 

 

 

I had this great feeling of clarity and happiness when she finally closed the door behind her this morning, and was that way until i left the gym and sat on the train to work ..... at that point it just started to set in about the whole shame about how things had ended with us and how much of a waste it seemed how we had once been soulmates exchanging poems, love letters,... facing the good and the bad together as a united front and being every bit the perfect couple. And for it all to come crashing down. I dont really think of her or care for what she does, but im just... sad.... that life and circumstance ended up ruining a relationship the way it did.

 

At least i can sleep at night without the fake hope driving me nuts, or wondering if/when/what she is doing and when she is coming home. I can finally let her go.