McGuffin Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Don't have the money. The more I think of it, the more it keeps circling back to money. Money to go back to school to get a better career (or so I could study what I was passionate about without worrying about needing to support myself.) Money to ease my debt anxiety. Money to get plastic surgery. Money to have the things I want (a house, kids) that I can't afford on my own. Money for therapy, even. Money to do the things I love (travel, martial arts, which is UNGODLY expensive.) Hell, if I had money, I could BUY a man. Without money, I have no avenues to pursue any of that. My only hope for owning a house is finding someone who can take on the financial burden with me (a husband for example.) Same with kids. I am in the very top income tier of my profession, and I'm already teetering under bills and debt. Without money, how can I pursue any of that? If money is the main cause of unhappiness, I'd start focusing on that and put off any relationship pursuits until that's sorted out. Do you have any sort of plan to get your money problems under control? Where does the money problem come from? Do you have enough to pay your current housing bill and buy food? What sort of debt do you have? Car loans, credit card, student loans?
Author verhrzn Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 The point isn't that you should be happy because they are. The point is that being negative versus being positive is partially a choice in terms of how we relate to the world. I'm not judging your situation. I'm questioning how you chose to approach it. Again, if someone wants to point out the positives, I'm all ears. The positives of being ugly! The positives of having mountains of debt! The positives of having no friends, of being bad at your job, of being talentless, lacking in intelligence or any valuable qualities, of having a disconnected family... It's a choice, but it's still a choice based on circumstance. Everyone has their cross to carry, and the things that get to them. I'd like to take an "optimistic" person and put them in their version of a "nightmare" life (someone who values being beautiful will be ugly) and then see how this choice comes out.
Author verhrzn Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 If money is the main cause of unhappiness, I'd start focusing on that and put off any relationship pursuits until that's sorted out. Do you have any sort of plan to get your money problems under control? Where does the money problem come from? Do you have enough to pay your current housing bill and buy food? What sort of debt do you have? Car loans, credit card, student loans? It isn't so much that I have out-of-control money problems. I just have no way of accumulating enough income to pay for the things I want (like a house and children.) And I have no way to raise my income. I have enough money to pay the bills, pay off the minimum in student loans, and set a little aside for savings, but the savings will not be enough to tackle the giant financial burdens of children or a home. Heck, most couples who have dual incomes have trouble with that.
denise_xo Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Again, if someone wants to point out the positives, I'm all ears. The positives of being ugly! The positives of having mountains of debt! The positives of having no friends, of being bad at your job, of being talentless, lacking in intelligence or any valuable qualities, of having a disconnected family... It's a choice, but it's still a choice based on circumstance. Everyone has their cross to carry, and the things that get to them. I'd like to take an "optimistic" person and put them in their version of a "nightmare" life (someone who values being beautiful will be ugly) and then see how this choice comes out. There's no point in pointing out positive to you, because you won't accept them. Most people with higher education have tons of debt. You have said previouosly that you are decent at your job, so the evidence here is contradictory. Lots of people who have seen your photos say you are not ugly, so again the evidence is contradictory. Your negativity could easily explain why you have no friends (although I remember that one of your friends went out with you on your birthday), and your writing by itself shows that you have a lot of analytical capacity and great writing skills. But of course I'm just wrong and I don't get it. Anyway, it's getting late here so I'm signing off. Good night, everyone. 1
norajane Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Again, if someone wants to point out the positives, I'm all ears. The positives of being ugly! The positives of having mountains of debt! The positives of having no friends, of being bad at your job, of being talentless, lacking in intelligence or any valuable qualities, of having a disconnected family... It's a choice, but it's still a choice based on circumstance. Everyone has their cross to carry, and the things that get to them. I'd like to take an "optimistic" person and put them in their version of a "nightmare" life (someone who values being beautiful will be ugly) and then see how this choice comes out. You just told us you are at the top of your field. That means you are not bad at your job, not talentless, not lacking in intelligence. You are also not ugly, but you think so, so you feel ugly. You have positives. You just don't see them.
Author verhrzn Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 You just told us you are at the top of your field. That means you are not bad at your job, not talentless, not lacking in intelligence. You are also not ugly, but you think so, so you feel ugly. You have positives. You just don't see them. No, I'm top of my field not because I'm good at it, but because my company never fires anyone. Without going into specifics, I'm at the top of my field because my field is not a very respectable one, and through normal, everybody-gets-them-raises, I have hit the ceiling of income capacity. Read my peer reviews, though, and it's pretty clear just how awful my coworkers think I am at my job. And I think I'm ugly because I've been told, and because guys aren't attracted to me. So, nope, not positives, just misunderstandings.
Chocolat Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 OK, fine. It's time for you to WANT DIFFERENT THINGS. Instead of wanting a boyfriend and a bunch of people to love and admire you, try wanting something else. How wanting to make a positive difference, however small, in this world? How about wanting to help people? How about wanting to travel as many places as possible? How about wanting to learn how to speak multiple different languages? How about WANTING SOMETHING ELSE? None of the things I mentioned require good looks and people who 'love' you. But they can be fulfilling in themselves. And they're darn sure would ultimately make you feel more better about yourself than constantly whining and crying that you're life is not worth living. If you're life isn't worth living, go do something to change your life into one that is. The world isn't all about you. Once you remember that and learn to look outside yourself, you might find something that brings you joy. This. Stop spending all your time thinking about yourself and start thinking about what you can do to make a difference in the world. Who knows? Maybe the intrinsic reward of helping others will help you to see your own circumstances in another light. Or maybe you will find the happiness that comes from helping others.
Author verhrzn Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 i don't buy that you are overweight or that you are ugly. you're not talentless. you posted your gpa somewhere and it was well above 3 so you don't lack in intelligence and i can tell that from what you write. your glass is half empty and that's the one thing that you have got to correct. I think you're confusing me with someone else. My GPA when I graduated was a 3.0 flat at a lower tier city college. Show up to class more than once a semester, and you can get the same grades I did, so not impressive. Certainly not impressive for internships, grad schools, scholarships, or anything else. Just very very average. I really don't get why people fit so hard against just accepting unpleasant truths. Is it really so hard to believe ugly, average-intelligence, talentless people exist?
Cracker Jack Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 As expected, this has turned into a pity party. I'll ask again: why is it that I see women that have less going for them (in looks in comparison to you) that are in long-term relationships? I'm pretty sure if they thought like you or always wanted to be reassured on how much their lives sucked, they'd likely not be where they are today. You're stuck in a vicious cycle. If you keep up the stubbornness, I don't see how you're going to get out of it. 1
Author verhrzn Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 This. Stop spending all your time thinking about yourself and start thinking about what you can do to make a difference in the world. Who knows? Maybe the intrinsic reward of helping others will help you to see your own circumstances in another light. Or maybe you will find the happiness that comes from helping others. Help people how? How can the blind lead the blind?
Chocolat Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Is it really so hard to believe ugly, average-intelligence, talentless people exist? Not at all. But look around you -- many average-intelligence, ordinary-looking people are leading happy and fulfilling lives. In fact, statistically, most people are average -- looks, intelligence, talent. But most people are also able to find satisfying relationships. Nothing will change for you until you change the way you think.
Author verhrzn Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 As expected, this has turned into a pity party. I'll ask again: why is it that I see women that have less going for them (in looks in comparison to you) that are in long-term relationships? I'm pretty sure if they thought like you or always wanted to be reassured on how much their lives sucked, they'd likely not be where they are today. You're stuck in a vicious cycle. If you keep up the stubbornness, I don't see how you're going to get out of it. Maybe they're dating losers, or guys who settled for them. Maybe they got lucky. Maybe they're just less aware than I am about their own lameness. I have a friend who is.... not exactly the hottest, but she'd never know it, because she thinks she is, and she's been in relationships. I suppose I could try being delusional, but I'm not usually a fan of lacking self-awareness. There could be lots of reasons those women are in relationships and I'm not that have nothing to do with my attitude.
Chocolat Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Help people how? How can the blind lead the blind? Oh, come on... Become a Big Sister. You'll be assigned to a young girl who needs an older, stable female presence in her life. You can do that. Or volunteer at a food bank, sorting donations. Check out your local animal shelter and see if they need help. There are so many needs out there and one of them is bound to be the right one for you.
brahmabull117 Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Maybe they're dating losers, or guys who settled for them. Maybe they got lucky. Maybe they're just less aware than I am about their own lameness. I have a friend who is.... not exactly the hottest, but she'd never know it, because she thinks she is, and she's been in relationships. I suppose I could try being delusional, but I'm not usually a fan of lacking self-awareness. There could be lots of reasons those women are in relationships and I'm not that have nothing to do with my attitude. Why is being confident called delusional to you? Why do you base your entire self worth on whether or not you're attractive? It's more likely your friend is not as shallow and superficial as you are and bases her self worth on things that are more meaningful to her
Author verhrzn Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 Not at all. But look around you -- many average-intelligence, ordinary-looking people are leading happy and fulfilling lives. In fact, statistically, most people are average -- looks, intelligence, talent. But most people are also able to find satisfying relationships. Nothing will change for you until you change the way you think. Because those people ARE exceptional in some way. I know it sounds weird, coming from me, but every single person I have ever met, I've been able to pick out something special about them. Something that while they are average in almost all other ways, there's something that makes them unique. Perhaps that is my double-edged sword... the only way I am unique is in my "negative" self awareness. Sure, take away my self-awareness (which is what creates my "negative" attitude) and I won't be negative anymore, but I will also be completely unoriginal and unauthentic. Which means I still wouldn't get a relationship, because there would be nothing special about me to attract someone.
Negative Nancy Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Women are most desirable in their early to mid 20s. That is exactly what I'm always telling people on here, yet I am being called cynical and bitter.
McGuffin Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 It isn't so much that I have out-of-control money problems. I just have no way of accumulating enough income to pay for the things I want (like a house and children.) And I have no way to raise my income. I have enough money to pay the bills, pay off the minimum in student loans, and set a little aside for savings, but the savings will not be enough to tackle the giant financial burdens of children or a home. Heck, most couples who have dual incomes have trouble with that. Wow. When I asked the question, I wasn't trying to trick you or anything. I wanted to size up the situation to offer some things you could do financially like settling with credit cards to reduce the payment, selling a car for a cheaper but less reliable one if you had a high car payment, etc. But that's not really that bad at all. There's a program on AM radio that I listen to a lot that's about financial advice, and you're much better off than many of those people. For a lot of people, that sounds great. I don't want to give too many details about this person's situation, but I know a woman who would trade you in a second. She's living in a house without any working utilities, because it's the only thing she can get someone to let her rent. She has practically no money, no savings left, no college degree, and is very unattractive. I think she would gladly swap with you. You're about as bad off as I am, which I think is not too bad. Your situation hardly seems hopeless. If you have enough money left over for savings, with the combined income of a spouse, you ought to have enough to afford a home and kids. Why does it seem so bleek to you?
brahmabull117 Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 That is exactly what I'm always telling people on here, yet I am being called cynical and bitter. read what else me and others have said about the issue. That's a result of women taking horrible care of themselves, not necessarily nature There are 35 year olds in my gym in fantastic shape who are desired by men across all ages
Author verhrzn Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 Why is being confident called delusional to you? Why do you base your entire self worth on whether or not you're attractive? It's more likely your friend is not as shallow and superficial as you are and bases her self worth on things that are more meaningful to her Confident is delusional to me if there is nothing to be confident about. That is the very definition of delusional... seeing something that isn't there. If you have no reason to be confident, and you are, then you're probably delusional. ... No, my friend is actually MORE superficial than me. She is constantly talking about hot guys, and how her bf needed to work out more, and how sexy and hot she looks. Nice try, though. Oh, come on... Become a Big Sister. You'll be assigned to a young girl who needs an older, stable female presence in her life. You can do that. Or volunteer at a food bank, sorting donations. Check out your local animal shelter and see if they need help. There are so many needs out there and one of them is bound to be the right one for you. Really. You want me to be around impressionable girls. You can't see how that could possibly not be a good idea? Actually, I have attempted animal shelters, but their volunteering rosters are always full. Where they really need help is fostering animals, but I can't afford a place that allows pets. I've volunteered a few other places... museums, food pantries, churches... and it usually made me feel worse, not better, because it was hours and hours and hours of social interaction. I'm an introvert with marginally good social skills, so it was like having my head in a vice for an entire day. So, can't volunteer with people, and volunteering with pets is a long waiting list... what else ya got?
Janesays Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Oh, bah. You're just lazy. Sure, it's easier to sit here and whine than make changes in yourself and your life. So keep doing it. You're only spiting yourself.
Cracker Jack Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Maybe they're dating losers, or guys who settled for them. Maybe they got lucky. Maybe they're just less aware than I am about their own lameness. I have a friend who is.... not exactly the hottest, but she'd never know it, because she thinks she is, and she's been in relationships. I suppose I could try being delusional, but I'm not usually a fan of lacking self-awareness. There could be lots of reasons those women are in relationships and I'm not that have nothing to do with my attitude. So being a regular woman is the equivalent to lameness? Sure. The difference between them (the ones I know, anyway) and you is that they understand that they're not the best looking, and obviously place male validation at the bottom of the totem pole. And I personally know they're not dating losers. No one's telling you to be delusional--what we're saying is your attitude.sucks.ass. Describe how a relationship with you and some other guy would even play out right now? Sorry, but I could already see you throwing the "you settled for me" or "you think I'm ugly" in someone's face. It's always easy for someone to talk about how them being cursed with ugliness is the reason for their problems when it's clearly other forces at hand as for why they're not doing well.
Author verhrzn Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 right here you wrote 3.4 gpa. did you mistype or are you rounding 3.4 down to 3.0? The 3.0 was my general GPA. The 3.4 was my major-specific GPA. Still painfully average, though, and not enough to get anything. Ehh, most black belts are pretty worthless. I used to think mine was worth something, til I realized they give them to anyone who "tries." So it's like a participation trophy at the end of the day. I watched a video of my test a few weeks ago, and now I wonder if they even gave it to me out of pity. I look pathetically bad next to everyone else. Your situation hardly seems hopeless. If you have enough money left over for savings, with the combined income of a spouse, you ought to have enough to afford a home and kids. Why does it seem so bleek to you? IF I have a spouse's income. And the whole point of this thread is that it looks like I won't. No spouse, no extra income, no house, no dog, no kids. Just me living in the same apartment, with the same bills, for the rest of my life. That seems pretty bleak to me.
FitChick Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Then why is there a constant message that women over 30 are "used up"? Why are women told that they better settle for any guy who asks them out, or they'll never find anyone "in time"? . You need to stop reading Cosmopolitan magazine. Start reading More magazine.
Author verhrzn Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 So being a regular woman is the equivalent to lameness? Sure. The difference between them (the ones I know, anyway) and you is that they understand that they're not the best looking, and obviously place male validation at the bottom of the totem pole. And I personally know they're not dating losers. No one's telling you to be delusional--what we're saying is your attitude.sucks.ass. Describe how a relationship with you and some other guy would even play out right now? Sorry, but I could already see you throwing the "you settled for me" or "you think I'm ugly" in someone's face. My attitude only "sucks ass" if you assume that it's incorrect. If my attitude is correct.... I am unattractive, with an otherwise average personality but nothing particularly positive about my life... then my attitude is a perfectly valid reaction. If someone had their car stolen and was sad about it, would you tell them their attitude sucks ass?? No, because it's a perfectly logical response to something bad in their lives. And hurray, your friends got lucky. Or were the exceptions to the rule. How great for them. Just because someone, somewhere, won the lottery, doesn't mean I will. Just because someone, somewhere, got married, doesn't mean I will. Don't ya think it's a little ridiculous to equate two completely different situations?? Oh, bah. You're just lazy. Sure, it's easier to sit here and whine than make changes in yourself and your life. So keep doing it. You're only spiting yourself. And what changes would you have me make? Or do you just feel like criticizing without offering any actual solutions?
Cracker Jack Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 This editing system is ass. People here (I've friggin told her this dozens of times but she doesn't listen) have constantly told her she's attractive. What she'll do is go on a little tyrade about how one of the guys here called her ugly and said she wasn't going to find anyone, then latch onto that in the face of many opinions that says otherwise. Just a slap in the face to those who are genuinely trying to help. If she doesn't believe that she's attractive, no amount of feedback saying otherwise will matter. No, what I think is ridiculous is your constant need for someone to tell you your dating life sucks. Kappa.
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