Uncertain

[frozensprouts]

OP,

( you may not like this, but please take it in the spirit in which it was intended)

 

just based upon what you write, it doesn't sound like you "love" your husband that much right now...you are doing something you know he does not agree with on any level and that you know will hurt him terribly. You are investing time, effort and energy into an affair relationship instead of your marriage then blaming your husband for not being "exciting" enough for you.

 

This doesn't mean your are a horrible, rotten person, but it does sound like you need to really take a good hard look st what your are doing and why...if being non monogamous is something you think you want, but your husband is the opposite, that's a pretty big incompatibility.

 

You are also saying that there are things in your marriage that are not the way you want them to be, but rather than telling your husband about it, you blamed ( even subconsciously) for not being different and cheated on him.

 

My advice to you would be to have a very honest conversation with your husband about what you have done and what you feelings are. It will be difficult, he may get ngry, he will be hurt...but if you ever want things to get better, it's a conversation you need to have.

 

I've been married a while now, and been through some rough times...one of the things I have learned is that while it's good to have something 'just for yourself', it is not okay to have it be a secret thing that you know would hurt your spouse if they found out...especially a "guy/woman on the side"... ( just because you'd be okay with it doesn't mean he would be

[cmc133]

You are 50% responsible for having a boring marriage.

 

Your H probably wonders why the marriage is so dull, but he is not as needy as you are. Your H does not need external validation to be happy. However, he probably wonders why you are so distant.

 

BTW, if H is not that interested in having sex with you is because you are not receptive to him. It may also be that you do not turn him on. It takes two people to have a boring marriage.

 

As long as your mind is 100% on the OM you can't reconnect with your H.

 

Your H may be a Roll Royce of a husband, but it is an old car. At this point it is more exciting to drive a new Mini-Cooper (your OM).

 

Please go to IC to find out why you are so selfish and why you need to be validated to be happy. Most normal women would kill to be in your shoes.

Your delivery is a bit abrasive, but you make some good points. Yes, it's hard to focus on my marriage when my mind is on the AP.

[cmc133]

Here's my suggestion...since you're not sure which man to choose...why not tell your H the truth about the situation your marriage is in right now?

 

Give HIM that same choice option that you face.

 

He may ask you to recommit to the marriage.

 

Or he may end the marriage for you...freeing you to be with OM.

 

But...why deny him the same choice that you're facing? Why NOT tell him the truth and let him make his own choice?

 

In theory that sounds great. In practice, however, my husband told me years ago that if I ever cheated on him but wanted to stay married that he'd rather not know about it.

[cmc133]

Second one today, I'm on a roll!

 

You're asking the wrong question, IMO. The question isn't can you keep both, the question is what are you getting out of each? You're getting validation from your AP. He makes you feel good about yourself.

 

So instead of asking yourself whether you can have both, ask yourself how you can feel good about yourself on your own. Why can't you validate yourself? Why do you need someone else (AP or H) to do that for you?

 

What am I getting out of each is an interesting question. I don't think it's validation as much as excitement and adventure. There are healthier ways to get that feeling of excitement. He also reminds me of a younger time in my life, when things weren't already decided, when life was full of possibilities.

[cmc133]

Reading through the responses and thinking through this, I feel like it's fairly obvious that breaking things off with my AP and concentrating on my marriage is the right direction to take. It's hard to work up the courage and fortitude to actually do it. Hopefully my counselor will have some good input next week.

 

Can anyone who has been in a similar situation share their experience with me?

 

I am tempted to tell him I'd like to change our relationship to a friendship, eliminate the sex, but keep in touch. I care deeply about him and since he lives a few hours away, I won't run into him unless we remain in contact. He will essentially cease to exist if I break things off. He's not even on facebook! Continuing a friendship with him will continue my emotional attachment to him which means I'll still be actively dishonest with my husband.

 

The idea of being completely removed, not having any contact, makes me really sad. What I'm doing right now isn't working for me emotionally either though. I'm trying to visualize a better future because I don't want to continue to tread water.

[Furious]

In theory that sounds great. In practice, however, my husband told me years ago that if I ever cheated on him but wanted to stay married that he'd rather not know about it.

 

This really sounds odd...either your husband has cheated on you and feels you wouldn't want to know or you have decided that his statement to you was a green light for you to go ahead and cheat on him.

 

It sounds as if this is a semi-open marriage and you are both looking for something on the side and are afraid to be honest with each other.

[Happyface]

Wouldn't you be less stressed if you only had one man in your life or do you thrive on the secrecy and excitement?

 

Happy face

[cmc133]

This really sounds odd...either your husband has cheated on you and feels you wouldn't want to know or you have decided that his statement to you was a green light for you to go ahead and cheat on him.

 

It sounds as if this is a semi-open marriage and you are both looking for something on the side and are afraid to be honest with each other.

 

I don't think so. The reason it came up was that we had some friends split up over infidelity. The husband cheated on the wife, apologized, they tried to move on, but she was very suspicious, couldn't forgive him. She later said she wished she never would have known about his infidelity. My husband and I discussed this and both agreed that sometimes it might be the kinder thing not to tell.

[cmc133]

Yes, I tend to be a bit abrasive and I advance my apology, however from your posts I have the feeling you don't take this personally. This is a very good sign and it means you are willing to accept an opposing point.

 

Life is full of compromises. There are lots of women that are still single in their late 30s after dating a lot of men and having the so-called fun you want as a married woman. However, many of these woman would kill to find a nice man and form a family. It is not exactly a bed of roses for them and many would gladly trade places with you.

 

You are looking for excitement to compliment the routine of your marriage. That is known as cake eating and it may be associated with some selfishness. It is selfish because the cake eating implies you must betray your H and make him a cuckold. It is selfish because he has no clue why his marriage is so dull and boring. He could never guess in a million years that your brain chemistry is completely changed and that you obsess about your OM 24/7. I bet there are times when he looks at you and has no clue that your mind is elsewhere with OM.

 

The folks that are intrinsically happy generally do not cheat when the marriage hits a dull moment. Those that are not intrinsically happy may cheat.

 

Cheating is extremely exciting because it really changes the brain chemistry to the level of a severe addiction. Ilegal secret romance with a lot of hurdles is more exciting than romance in the open. It is so exciting that it makes you see OM as a very good looking man. All OM is doing is meeting your emotional need for attention, admiration, and validation. This makes you fall hard for him. As long as you allow this your H looks dull and boring.

 

 

So here is a question for you:

 

If you had a grown daughter and she had to choose between a man like OM and a man like your H. What advice would you give her? Would you advice her to marry a man like OM or to marry a man like your H?

 

Again, you make some good points. Especially about this romance being similar to addiction.

 

I would advise my hypothetical daughter to stick with H. OM would be a very inconsiderate husband. I'm not really thinking about leaving my H. My thought in starting this thread was wondering if I could continue as-is, stay married, but continue a secret romance with OM, see him occasionally. After seeing it all in writing, it seems silly to me that I thought that might work out. Of course it's making me miserable.

 

I'm going to see him later this week. I'm considering what to say to him, how to end it.

[cmc133]

Quite honestly, it sounds as though your OM was all gung-ho and "in love" with you - until he got laid.

 

Then he suddenly "cooled off" and became more sporadic in his contact with you.

 

Why do you suppose that is?

 

Sounds like he got caught up in the computer fantasy, turned it into reality, and the thrill wore off for him once that happened.

 

His ardor and "love" has considerably cooled down now that he's gotten his fill.

 

I wouldn't pick this guy over my Irish Setter, much less my husband.

 

Or maybe I'm really bad in bed. Lol.

[cmc133]

Have you made a decision?

 

 

Yeah, I guess I have. Just trying to get up the nerve to actually end it. Trying to visualize how I'm going to feel. Probably worse for a while, and better in the long run.

 

Thanks for your feedback.

[East7]

Reading through the responses and thinking through this, I feel like it's fairly obvious that breaking things off with my AP and concentrating on my marriage is the right direction to take. It's hard to work up the courage and fortitude to actually do it. Hopefully my counselor will have some good input next week.

 

Can anyone who has been in a similar situation share their experience with me?

 

I am tempted to tell him I'd like to change our relationship to a friendship, eliminate the sex, but keep in touch. I care deeply about him and since he lives a few hours away, I won't run into him unless we remain in contact. He will essentially cease to exist if I break things off. He's not even on facebook! Continuing a friendship with him will continue my emotional attachment to him which means I'll still be actively dishonest with my husband.

 

The idea of being completely removed, not having any contact, makes me really sad. What I'm doing right now isn't working for me emotionally either though. I'm trying to visualize a better future because I don't want to continue to tread water.

 

OP,

I have been myself single OM. The difference with your committed OM is that he is not genuine about his feelings. I bet you were an online fantasy until he had sex with you and curiosity cooled down. I didn't read anywhere that he wanted a future with you, right?

 

You are cheating for the same reasons that many women cheat. Just don't think your situation is unique. Like all the couples who were married young, you have probably grown apart emotionally. You are the same age as my xMW and you have reached a point where you feel you haven't tasted what is to live free, date multiple persons.

What is typical with you (and other MW) is that you want to create a parallel reality with OM where there are only fun, passion, romance and on the other reality keep your husband and the marriage security. It is like a travel in an exotic island knowing that you can go safely back home. This is obviously very selfish. It is not about your H, nor the OM, it is all about you, so you can have the best of both worlds. And the most unfair thing is you trying to negotiate and impose YOUR choices to them both : you want your H to accept an open M and the OM to be your "friend". Seriously...?

 

You are not confused a much as you claim. You are very clear about your choices, staying married without future projects with OM, just keeping him in the wings. I can tell you, one day, the whole situation will hit you in the face like a boomerang.

 

You say you love your H but if you really loved him, you would have never cheated him in first place. I suggest you to honest with your husband. If you don't want to tell about OM, at least sit and talk to him about your M issues. Escaping and conflict avoidance is recipe for disaster.

[stillwater]

Deep inside they believe they love OM or the H, but loving another person is difficult when there is no basic intrinsic happiness.

 

It sounds like you're agreeing that the OP doesn't really love her H then.

 

I would tend to agree with East, and with what you said here. Now granted I was an OM, but I find it impossible to fathom that a woman can have a long-term affair and still truly love her H in any meaningful sense of the word. Especially if the A is both emotional and physical. (That's not to say she truly loves her OM either, of course. Or that reconciliation isn't possible after the A ends.)

Edited July 30, 2012 by stillwater

[evewasframed]

Can anyone who has been in a similar situation share their experience with me?

 

I am tempted to tell him I'd like to change our relationship to a friendship, eliminate the sex, but keep in touch. I care deeply about him and since he lives a few hours away, I won't run into him unless we remain in contact. He will essentially cease to exist if I break things off. He's not even on facebook! Continuing a friendship with him will continue my emotional attachment to him which means I'll still be actively dishonest with my husband.

 

The idea of being completely removed, not having any contact, makes me really sad. What I'm doing right now isn't working for me emotionally either though. I'm trying to visualize a better future because I don't want to continue to tread water.

My situation is similar in some respects but my feelings are different from yours. Count yourself lucky that you are not deeply in love with MM and can think about walking away.

 

I'm married for 15 years and having an affair for more than two years now. This isn't my first affair, but it puts the others in the shade. OM is married and ten years older than me with two kids, like me. I was bored in my marriage since early on. For the past ten years I have been really miserable. I had a couple of short-term flings, but then met OM/MM and realised I had never loved before - not even my H. OM always said he loved me too and would one day be with me, but recently his wife found out and he threw me under the bus. He said he couldn't leave his kids. I begged him to keep the affair going as I thought I would die without him, and he agreed, so we still plan to meet soon and we talk every day.

 

I would leave my H today if I knew OM would be by my side. Now, since he threw me under the bus, I realise that he does not feel like I do, but I would rather have something with him than nothing at all.

 

Think yourself lucky that you can leave your AP. Without my AP I would have nothing to look forward to in life. I think if you can walk away you should. You would not want to be me.

[Emme]

Yeah, I guess I have. Just trying to get up the nerve to actually end it. Trying to visualize how I'm going to feel. Probably worse for a while, and better in the long run.

 

 

*Cmc133, looks at AP lets go of his hand as he screams "nooooooooooooo" falling down the side of the cliff* *splat*

 

Congrats on making a decision. Good luck.

[road]

You will never reconnect with your BH as long as you have contact with the OM.

 

You will never reconnect with your BH as long as you hide the truth and lie to your BH about the affair.

 

You want to repair your marriage then you must NC the OM and tell your BH about the affair.

 

The OMW must also be told about the affair.

[cmc133]

Ending it is extremely hard. Affairs cause a major change in brain chemistry. You are just like a coke addict with regards to OM.

 

The best way to end it is to go 100% NC. That means no phone, no text, no email, no nothing.

 

I think it is a bad idea for you to end it by seeing OM in person. It is very likely you will have sex with OM after the speech of "I must end this affair". It would be rather silly and you will not accomplish anything.

 

You have already acknowledge that your H is the better man, so there is no need to hash this anymore. OM is good as a supplement to your marriage. On his own OM would not make the grade for you (or your daughter).

 

Do not see him again. Simply end it with an email.

 

Then change your email, and cell phone number.

 

Ask your H to meet your emotional needs. I suspect you want attention and admiration.

 

Otherwise, you run the risk of being discovered and your H will divorce you. You will end up VERY UNHAPPY and will look like the bad guy in the movie to all your family and friends.

 

Try to meet the emotional needs of your H. He may actually reciprocate!

 

I've been giving this a lot of thought. I am planning to end it. Ending it with an email and then going no contact feels cruel, it doesn't feel respectful to him or to the relationship that we've had. I keep thinking about how I would feel if he did that. It would hurt like hell. Ending it in person will be hard though, and you're right, part of me wants to sleep with him one more time.

[cmc133]

It is not simple.

 

Helen Fisher states that a person can love two people at the same time if the LOVE is in different stages.

 

LOVE is a change in brain chemistry

 

LOVE generally has three stages: Infatuation, early high romance, delayed long term attachment.

 

Many people are perfectly capable to feel long term attachment for the spouse at home and high romance for the OP. In other words they love two people at the same time because the stages are quiet different and there is no interference of one on the other..

 

You are also forgetting another key ingredient to have the affair: That would be the ability to be deceitful and the ability to live in compartments. The latter affords a split personality where the wandering spouse can act normal and lovingly at home with the spouse.

 

Not everybody is able to live in compartments and to love two people at the same time. I would say most women having affairs are planning to end the marriage. The other MWs hate the husband, but somehow cannot get a divorce. However, every once in a while you have a MW one like OP. In the open market, if she was single she would still choose someone like her H over the OM. In the end she loves OM as a supplement to her marriage and if she has to make a decision the supplement goes.

 

Pierre, I'm impressed. I read her book "Why We Love" a while back trying to figure out what had happened to me, I felt like I had gone insane. You're right, I do love my husband, but it's not an emotional romantic love right now, it's long term attachment. I want to feel romantic love with him again. It does come and go. I felt it a couple of years ago for a while and I think it could come back. Keeping the emotional connection to my OM, even if it's just a keeping in touch email once in a while will probably inhibit that from developing with him again. I need to get out of this, I wish I wouldn't have met him. I feel sick thinking about breaking it off.

[cmc133]

My situation is similar in some respects but my feelings are different from yours. Count yourself lucky that you are not deeply in love with MM and can think about walking away.

 

I'm married for 15 years and having an affair for more than two years now. This isn't my first affair, but it puts the others in the shade. OM is married and ten years older than me with two kids, like me. I was bored in my marriage since early on. For the past ten years I have been really miserable. I had a couple of short-term flings, but then met OM/MM and realised I had never loved before - not even my H. OM always said he loved me too and would one day be with me, but recently his wife found out and he threw me under the bus. He said he couldn't leave his kids. I begged him to keep the affair going as I thought I would die without him, and he agreed, so we still plan to meet soon and we talk every day.

 

I would leave my H today if I knew OM would be by my side. Now, since he threw me under the bus, I realise that he does not feel like I do, but I would rather have something with him than nothing at all.

 

Think yourself lucky that you can leave your AP. Without my AP I would have nothing to look forward to in life. I think if you can walk away you should. You would not want to be me.

 

Thank you for sharing your story. I wish you well.

[cmc133]

You will never reconnect with your BH as long as you have contact with the OM.

 

You will never reconnect with your BH as long as you hide the truth and lie to your BH about the affair.

 

You want to repair your marriage then you must NC the OM and tell your BH about the affair.

 

The OMW must also be told about the affair.

 

I think you might be right about contact with the OM, but is it really the right thing to confess the affair to my husband? It seems like it would make me feel better at his emotional expense. I'm not saying this because I'm a spineless wimp who doesn't want to get in trouble. It would be a relief to tell him. I just don't think telling him is fair to him.

 

My OM is not married, but has a long term girlfriend. I absolutely will not be contacting his girlfriend if that's what you're suggesting.

Edited July 31, 2012 by cmc133
clarity

[cmc133]

The secret of the affair can become a wall that prevents emotional connection.

 

Ongoing contact with OM can create a situation where MW is in some sort of limbo.

 

It will not be easy.

 

Pierre, I've come to respect your opinion. What do you think? Assuming I end things with OM, do I need to confess the affair to my husband?

[cmc133]

Thanks, Pierre. You've really gone the extra mile with me here. I've been working on a good-bye email to him and started to feel really panicky, like I was going to be sick. My counselling appointment is tomorrow and I am supposed to meet up with OM on Thursday. Hopefully my counselor will be helpful. Part of me still wants to break up with him in person, it feels like it will be a more final ending, I will get some closure, but I do worry that I won't break it off if I meet him Thurs.

 

For now, I am going to concentrate on ending things with OM and worry about whether or not to tell my husband later.

[road]

I think you might be right about contact with the OM, but is it really the right thing to confess the affair to my husband? It seems like it would make me feel better at his emotional expense. I'm not saying this because I'm a spineless wimp who doesn't want to get in trouble. It would be a relief to tell him. I just don't think telling him is fair to him.

 

My OM is not married, but has a long term girlfriend. I absolutely will not be contacting his girlfriend if that's what you're suggesting.

 

 

Your BH deserves the truth and the marriage's intimacy will never be restored without it. You have shown that your BH must be alert to you slipping up again to prevent another affair.

 

The OMGF also desrves the truth. Without the truth she can't not decide whether to stay or go and if to stay what is necessary to prevent future infidelity in their relationship.

 

You danced yet refuse to pay the band. I sorry but dancing your way to the bathroom and climbing out the window is not the right way to leave the party that you created.

[cmc133]

I wish you good luck!

 

BTW, affairs can happen to anyone. Even happy married people sometimes have affairs. Sometimes it is related to opportunity and being in the right place at the right time.

 

Let us know what OM has to say. I don't quite get a non married man with a GF and no children having an affair. He really has no hurdles to leave the GF whereas you are married with young children.

 

I'll update you on what happens. Thanks for your support.

 

I agree on the strangeness of an unmarried man having an affair. They've been together over a decade, I think he's comfortable, but bored. I don't know, I don't really get it.

[cmc133]

Your BH deserves the truth and the marriage's intimacy will never be restored without it. You have shown that your BH must be alert to you slipping up again to prevent another affair.

 

The OMGF also desrves the truth. Without the truth she can't not decide whether to stay or go and if to stay what is necessary to prevent future infidelity in their relationship.

 

You danced yet refuse to pay the band. I sorry but dancing your way to the bathroom and climbing out the window is not the right way to leave the party that you created.

 

It may be true that both my H and the OMGF deserve to know. All I am saying is that if his GF deserves to know, it's not my place to tell her. I think that's up to OM. I would be out of my head with rage if he suddenly broke up with me and decided my H needed to know and told him about us. If my H is going to know, I'd like to tell him myself.