ER2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Hello:D New here and need some of your awesome advice please. Been with my bf for over a year. We live together. Everything is great EXCEPT: I have this issue about eating in front of him. I have never been like this with any other bf. I have always been comfortable. My bf now has made comments about "fat" people since the day I met him. When we were dating we went to eat and I wanted a cheeseburger and he said "are your SURE thats what you want". Or if I am getting ice cream (very rare) he will stand there and watch how many scoops I'm getting. I guess you just have to be there. Its his little comments and jestures. If I have anything thats not healthy he acts all odd. He doesnt see it, I have brought it up before to him. He eats all junk, and is a skinny rail. I am not fat at all, he has made plenty comments about how tiny my waste is compared to his ex's and all that. Its like we consistently have to be doing something active. I am a active person. But ALL the time?! He is a very insecure man, it really shows when we are out and he has to be the center of attention. Do you think he does this to me to make sure I dont get fat, or is it a way to push my self esteem down? Any thoughts? Thanks in advance!
serial muse Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Hello:D New here and need some of your awesome advice please. Been with my bf for over a year. We live together. Everything is great EXCEPT: I have this issue about eating in front of him. I have never been like this with any other bf. I have always been comfortable. My bf now has made comments about "fat" people since the day I met him. When we were dating we went to eat and I wanted a cheeseburger and he said "are your SURE thats what you want". Or if I am getting ice cream (very rare) he will stand there and watch how many scoops I'm getting. I guess you just have to be there. Its his little comments and jestures. If I have anything thats not healthy he acts all odd. He doesnt see it, I have brought it up before to him. He eats all junk, and is a skinny rail. I am not fat at all, he has made plenty comments about how tiny my waste is compared to his ex's and all that. Its like we consistently have to be doing something active. I am a active person. But ALL the time?! He is a very insecure man, it really shows when we are out and he has to be the center of attention. Do you think he does this to me to make sure I dont get fat, or is it a way to push my self esteem down? Any thoughts? Thanks in advance! Well, I can certainly see why you'd have an issue eating in front of him. No one likes being watched like a hawk. Way to take the fun out of things, guy! I'm curious though...have you ever asked him why he's so...I don't know, "obsessed" seems like a strong word, but it's the one that comes to mind...with fat people? Has he ever struggled with his weight in the past? Do members of his family struggle with weight? Or maybe this is about his past girlfriend - was she heavier than he liked? I don't know, of course, but from what you've described it doesn't sound like he's specifically trying to push your self esteem down. Sounds like this is more about him, and also that he doesn't realize he's doing it - but that's no excuse for being a nag. I think it might be worthwhile to sit him down and say, dude, what's this really all about for you?
SouthernDamsel Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 make him an ex boyfriend very quickly I agree. I have had several female friends who have been involved with controlling men like him. His obsession with what you eat and your activity level will not improve. If you stay with him, prepare for stressful times ahead due to weight changes from various reasons (pregnancy, menopause, metabolic changes, etc.). I knew one woman who passed out multiple times due to not eating because her husband always her to be the same size that she was when she was 18. But, of course, he didn't stay that way..... 1
Author ER2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 Thanks for the replies everyone! As far as his ex's- yes they were heavier than he would of liked. He has told me I am the skinniest he has been with. But I have seen some pictures of his ex's and I dont see that. Anyways, its has gotten to the point I am taking diet pills (yes they are working) and working out every day. I do not eat anything but healthy in front of him, so sometimes I find myself waking up and sneaking a cookie. I have dropped about 20 pounds in a year since I met him. I a scared to death to gain weight. I have had an eating disorder years ago as a teenager. I was bulimic. He knows this. I am 36 now and have overcome so much. He really does treat me well in every other aspect of the relationship. Thats why this is so hard.
serial muse Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Thanks for the replies everyone! As far as his ex's- yes they were heavier than he would of liked. He has told me I am the skinniest he has been with. But I have seen some pictures of his ex's and I dont see that. Anyways, its has gotten to the point I am taking diet pills (yes they are working) and working out every day. I do not eat anything but healthy in front of him, so sometimes I find myself waking up and sneaking a cookie. I have dropped about 20 pounds in a year since I met him. I a scared to death to gain weight. I have had an eating disorder years ago as a teenager. I was bulimic. He knows this. I am 36 now and have overcome so much. He really does treat me well in every other aspect of the relationship. Thats why this is so hard. OK...so I was actually thinking that the calls from the other posters to "dump him" were a bit premature, which is why I wanted to know more. But, after reading this, I'm starting to think they're right, OP. The bits that I bolded are...well, frankly, they're TERRIBLE. This is really, really not OK here. Your first post didn't mention that you were recovering from an eating disorder - and the fact that he knows this and yet doesn't understand how he's triggering you (you wake up in the night to sneak a treat, you're terrified of gaining weight, you're taking diet pills for him???!?) - he's really not treating you well at all. You need to have a talk with him about this, STAT. Seriously. This is tapping into issues with food you already have, and you could really damage your health. I wonder whether part of the reason you are resistant to seeing this as the real problem that it is is because you are already predisposed to have a complicated relationship with food and weight. But taking out your own feelings about these issues - stand back and see what he's doing. It's not loving. Not at all. 1
Author ER2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 I have talked to him, just yesterday as a matter of fact. I brought up the "cheeseburger incident" as an example to him. He said the reason he said that is because he figures when we go out to eat we should get something "different" not something we can make a home. Try something new. He said his ex's ate whatever they wanted. I asked if he was like that with them, he said "like what?" I just dont think he see's it. Maybe its me, maybe I am taking it to far. I have tried to just let it go and eat what I want, but then I gain a pound and I freak thinking he wont love me. So I do think the feelings from the past are coming back. And thats a very scary, dark place to be. I dont want to go back there, but I dont want to lose him either.
serial muse Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 (edited) I have talked to him, just yesterday as a matter of fact. I brought up the "cheeseburger incident" as an example to him. He said the reason he said that is because he figures when we go out to eat we should get something "different" not something we can make a home. Try something new. He said his ex's ate whatever they wanted. I asked if he was like that with them, he said "like what?" I just dont think he see's it. Maybe its me, maybe I am taking it to far. I have tried to just let it go and eat what I want, but then I gain a pound and I freak thinking he wont love me. So I do think the feelings from the past are coming back. And thats a very scary, dark place to be. I dont want to go back there, but I dont want to lose him either. Sure, I can understand that, given your history. But not letting him know how deep this goes for you is not doing yourself - or, frankly, your relationship - any good. He needs to know how much his little nagging comments affect you, and that it's triggering long-held anxieties in you. He. Needs. To. Know. This. You should tell him about how this is bringing up all these fears, about how you're waking up in the night to sneak food because you fear his judgment, about how you're taking diet pills because you're so afraid that gaining weight will drive him away. None of this is good for you, and you're not going to build a healthy relationship with this as the backdrop, either. What he does with that information will tell you what you need to know about your future with him. It's a big emotional hurdle for you, and if he can't get past himself to care about what this is doing to you, then he's not the one for you. Edited July 25, 2012 by serial muse
RiverRunning Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Even if you were overweight or obese, OP, his behavior toward you is nothing shy of verbally abusive. But then again, I had a member here once tell me that because I'm overweight, any boyfriend I have is 'right' to criticize me if I eat any junk food. lol. Apparently you're supposed to have the perfect diet and you deserve verbal abuse if you don't. But I digress... The guy's obviously got an issue with fat people. Is he going to have an issue when you get pregnant and gain weight? I have seriously met men who verbally abuse their previously-thin-but-now-pregnant girlfriends and wives. I knew one woman who starved herself to stay thin for her boyfriend. When I went to her baby shower, I didn't even know who the pregnant woman was. She had washboard abs! Turns out she was starving herself and smoking to keep thin so he wouldn't leave her. Her baby had a low birth weight but, thankfully, has not had any other health problems. This is just the beginning of it. What happens when you gain 5, 10, 15 pounds? I'm not talking about drastic or out-of-control weight gain. But weight fluctuates, sometimes we overeat, sometimes we're not active enough, sometimes we get injured and that makes exercise difficult or impossible. Is he going to be sitting there, obsessing about your weight all of the time? In my experiences, the guys who obsess the most about a girlfriend's weight are the most insecure. A thin girlfriend or wife is a trophy to them. They place all of their value in having a 'prize' on their arms. You become more like an object rather than a human being. You're already resorting to dangerous diet practices to keep this guy happy. He is pushing you back into eating disordered thought patterns and eating. You need to be surrounding yourself with loving and supportive people - not guys who are going to have a verbal fapping-session over how thin and hot you are every 10 seconds. Long-term, all of that negativity isn't going to help you keep the weight off. It's going to drive you insane and endanger your health. Please get out of this situation. Let him get one more barb in. And I want you to have a quick, albeit cliche one-liner for him: "I'm going to drop 150 (200, 250, however much he weighs) pounds right now. Don't ever call me again!" with a smile before you walk out the door. Preferably, you will slam it in his face, but hey, whatever works.
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 He's going to continue doing this to you throughout the relationship and he'll just get worse. You need to draw the line of respect and show him how he can't get away with this behavior or attitude, as long as you are a pushover and just go along with it to "make him happy" he'll just walk over you more and more and he still won't be happy. Stop trying to be something for a man, If he wants you to be something different or else you're with the wrong guy...regardless of your "issue" that he sees and feels justified in critiquing. Hopefully you'll see this sooner rather than later before it buries your self-esteem/value. He's likely just young and naive about this but you should not let him cross that line or anyone else..you give an inch, most people will surely take a mile...or try to. They test to see If you're a pushover first. 2
tman666 Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Dump the princess already. If he can't enjoy a cheeseburger with his lady, then he doesn't deserve to.
It's Just Me Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 This has to be one of the saddest threads I've read on here.
Author ER2012 Posted July 26, 2012 Author Posted July 26, 2012 So after reading all your posts (and thanks:) I sat him down last night and had a serious talk with him about it. He said he did not realize he does it, and He was watching me scoop my ice cream cause he wanted to see what all I was putting on it (we were making sundaes). AND that he thinks I need to gain a few pounds. I dont believe him when he says that, my father said that I was losing to much weight and needed to gain some. So I think he is just agreeing with him to make the conversation look better for him. I made the point that when I am eating a salad he is all into me and very talkative and when I am eating something bad he is silent. Its very odd. He said he just doesnt have anything to say. Maybe I am overanalizing things. idk.
Leopard Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 Hmm... I think he is afraid that you will gain weight, so he wants you to watch what you are eating.
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