idle passerby Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Ive been seeing my boyfriend for 8 months. We knew each other for many years prior to getting together and even started seeing each other a few years ago when we lived in the same town but circumstances weren't right and we parted company. There is a two hour drive between us. He is doing a PhD which is taking longer to finish than he anticipated. When we first got together he offered to move to my town to make it easier, I urged him to complete his studies and then we could consider moving in together. He had thought he would be finished by January, then March, then May, June and now August is the preliminary deadline. I havnt wanted to be unsupportive, I know he is stressed and its not something he can just rush to finish if its not going to plan but I am getting very tired of only seeing him about twice a month and conducting a relationship mostly via text messages. I feel like the relationship hasnt had a chance to actually progress and its still like we are just casually dating. We dont have any interaction with each others friends (I invited him to some events with my friends in the early stages but stopped when I realised I wasnt being invited to anything he did with his friends). His time is limited due to his study schedule but he is going on holidays abroad for a week and I only heard about it after he had made his plans. I dont mind him going away with friends but it makes me feel like he's not really thinking like we are a couple and Ive told him I am really looking forward to him having free time so we can actually do things together without having to watch the clock so it seems like he's not as bothered by the distance and situation as I am. I am 30, I want to meet someone I can build a life with, he knows this and says he wants the same but it doesnt really seem that way. I want a partner, not a penpal. The ammount of time we actually spend together is not enough for me to build a relationship on. I have been holding on because he always says he is on the verge of finishing his PhD and then we can live in the same town, but the deadline is just continually being pushed back so I dont really know when he will eventually be finished. Does anyone have any wise words to share on this? I dont want to move back to where he lives, he says he doesnt want to stay there anyway and my town is small so Id be unlikely to meet anyone here if we broke up.
cerridwen Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 No wise words other than you make a pretty strong case for breaking up. You want something different. Nothing wrong with that. Your reasons make sense. What more needs to be said? 1
ana0pera Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 From my perspective, idle passerby, this guy seems like bad news. I am also in a PhD program so I know that it gets stressful and there are often time constraints, but if someone is important to you, you make time for him/her, even if you are working around the clock. there's two hours b/n the two of you, and you guys see each other twice a month? two of my friends are in a 2hr ldr and both are PhD students, they try to see each other every weekend and typically they do one fun thing together, and spend a lot of time doing work in the other's presence. is this possible for you guys? could he stay longer at your place and work while you're at work? is he just in the writing stages now or is he still doing research that requires him to be on/near campus? because i've always gotten the sense that towards the end, while it's extremely stressful, you can sort of work anywhere, assuming you're still not doing a lot of lab work/literature research, at which point you're probably not as close to finishing as you think. but i am coming from a science field so i could be off. I think the fact that he never invites you to things with his friends is a red flag. I also think the fact that he's going on vacation and didn't tell you about it is a red flag. I mean, he doesn't have to include you in all of his plans. He may think it's too early for you two to go on extended vacations together, that's fine. He might have just wanted to do something with his friends, that's fine too. But why not tell you at all about it? He should also want his friends to get to know you since you and they are both very important to him. If he's hesitant, he might be embarrassed by you or by his friends (oftentimes, i find that people are more worried by their friends being perceived as crazy than their SOs), or afraid that you wont get along. Have you ever met his friends? do they know about you? You've invited him to things with your friends, did he actually attend? I feel like he lacks the maturity that you have. I understand why you feel frustrated with waiting. In his defense, sometimes how quickly a PhD program takes is out of the student's hands and depends on the advisor, committee, and subject matter. With his defense being pushed back so much, do you know how he's handling the situation emotionally? It might be a good idea for him to talk to someone regarding time management and stress management. You might have to be more supportive for him if this is the case, but you can only do that if he opens up to you and right now it seems like he is shutting you out. I would recommend talking to him about how you feel and bring up some ways that this can be fixed--more frequent visits, hanging out with each other's friends, etc. When there is a will, there is a way. it seems like you are dedicated but i am not so sure about him. Talking to him about it might clear things up, either he'll change or you'll realize it's time to move on. 2
Author idle passerby Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 Thanks for the reply. Its not what I wanted to hear but I suspect what I want to hear might not be the truth. 1
Author idle passerby Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 Thanks anOpera, I just saw your message after I responded to the last one. He's doing a Humanities PhD so all his research is done and he's writing up now. He actually missed his own viva a few months ago because he hadn't been honest with his supervisor about how far along he was, which ended up making him a lot more stressed than he needed to be. He booked the holiday a few weeks after Id sat down with him and told him as clearly as I could that I was not satisfied with the amount of time we see each other so I've come to the conclusion he hears what I'm saying but its not registering as something he needs to address. He's going away for a week, we havn't spent more than a weekend together since starting to go out. I thought we met so infrequently because he had no time. I met some of his friends when I lived in the same town as him a few years ago, but never really got to know them. He came along to the events I invited him to with my friends and they were all welcoming and nice to him, but I felt it wasn't fair for him to get to know my friends but not to have the invitation returned. I presume his friends know about me but it wouldn't entirely surprise me if many didn't. I don't think he talks about me. When I write it all down it looks so bad. 1
Forever Learning Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 I am getting very tired of only seeing him about twice a month and conducting a relationship mostly via text messages. I feel like the relationship hasnt had a chance to actually progress and its still like we are just casually dating. We dont have any interaction with each others friends (I invited him to some events with my friends in the early stages but stopped when I realised I wasnt being invited to anything he did with his friends). His time is limited due to his study schedule but he is going on holidays abroad for a week and I only heard about it after he had made his plans. I dont mind him going away with friends but it makes me feel like he's not really thinking like we are a couple and Ive told him I am really looking forward to him having free time so we can actually do things together without having to watch the clock so it seems like he's not as bothered by the distance and situation as I am. I am 30, I want to meet someone I can build a life with, he knows this and says he wants the same but it doesnt really seem that way. I want a partner, not a penpal. The amount of time we actually spend together is not enough for me to build a relationship on. I have been holding on because he always says he is on the verge of finishing his PhD and then we can live in the same town, but the deadline is just continually being pushed back so I dont really know when he will eventually be finished. Does anyone have any wise words to share on this? I dont want to move back to where he lives, he says he doesnt want to stay there anyway and my town is small so Id be unlikely to meet anyone here if we broke up. I think he's not serious about having a relationship with you. Very bluntly: It sounds like he's just misleading you, and using you for sex. I'm sorry to put it that way. He scheduled a vacation with friends and never even told you? He doesn't care to include you on an occasional meet up with his friends? The relationship is mostly texting? This sounds like you've been duped into a 'f*ck buddies' relationship by a LIAR. I say move on ASAP. Life is short. At age 30, you don't need this nonsense. God bless and all the best to you. 1
delight Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 Tell him that you are 30 and you are looking for a pàrtner to build your life with together. Tell him what you want and ask him what he wants. I think he is stringing you along. Booking a week with friends , I would have thought you d be priority ... even he could have offered to bring you along. A 2 hour drive is nothing ! 1
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