Panicking- want to believe him should I? Or is it time to call it quits?

[Angeline2438]

I am new to this forum and I really need some unbiased help. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and we’ve recently been talking about getting married I love him more than anything and our relationship is wonderful. I think it’s important to mention that we’ve both been married before- Mine broke down because of constant lying and disrespect on my ex-husband’s part, and my boyfriend knows this. Things have been going fine, until a few days ago. I came home and saw up on the computer screen a message about “too much data storage” ,

so

I looked and saw that my

bf

had downloaded like 20 pictures that day and had saved them onto his phone. Naturally, I was curious and since we never hide anything from each other (our phones are always out, we share a computer are always logged it- Not to mention said several times that we have nothing to hide from each other, and we are always welcome to look at anything)- I almost never do- but obviously I wanted to see what he downloaded that was about to crash our computer- what I saw was horribly disturbing. He had downloaded and saved pictures of another woman that we both know and have worked with in this past year. Like 20 pictures of her. Nothing suggestive or anything, just facebook pictures from her page. What’s even more disconcerning is the fact that he tried to delete the downloads

so

I wouldn’t see them or know what they were.

So

, he obviously knew what he was doing wasn’t “right” and that it would hurt me if I saw it. Now, let me be clear- I do not think anything is going on between him and her for a few reasons- I don’t think she has any interest in him whatsoever, he’s literally with me all the time and wouldn’t even have time to cheat, and I don’t think he has any real feelings for her, but possibly a crush. Besides, as far as I know they have never once spoken outside of work and most of the year, she doesn’t even live in the same part of the country that we do. What upset me more than anything is the lie of it- the disrespect of it. Especially when he knows that’s what killed my first marriage. Never one to play games- I asked him directly and calmly why – If he had feelings for her, etc – Why he would lie to me, etc. – He said that it’s just a bad habit from his past, a distraction - its means nothing- He only loves me, he only wants me, and that he will never do this again- I was

so

upset I broke down in tears and said this isn’t a small thing to me. He held me, apologized profusely, and said he’d never hurt me that way again. He said that what he did was stupid, and he was very sorry. That she means absolutely nothing to him and I mean everything to him. I really want to believe him, but why would you download that many pics of someone you feel nothing for ?

 

The problem is now I have serious doubts about getting married. I already had a marriage where I was lied to and disrespected. I’

m

really scared this will happen again. I want to trust him, but after the other day- I am for the first time ever questioning our relationship. I love him, but he never would have told me about the downloads if the warning hadn’t appeared and I hadn’t flat out asked him. I’

m

at a crossroads and I don’t know what to do. I mean, am I overreacting ? Do all guys looks at pictures of other girls ? Not just look, but save them to their phone ? And I won’t lie, of course it wounds my pride and confidence that he felt the need to look at someone else, but what really bugs me MUCH more is that he is lying and disrespecting me in a way nearly identical to my ex, and he knows VERY well how I feel about that. I just didn’t think we had a “what they don’t know won’t kill them” type of relationship- I don’t want to break up a wonderful relationship over nothing, but this isn’t nothing to me- I’ve seen first hand how things like this deteriorate a marriage.I don’t know what to do- I feel

so

incredibly sad, lost, alone and confused. Please help-

[Quiet Storm]

I think it's normal for men to be attracted to other women. I think its normal for men to watch porn occasionally or look at sexy pics of other women. However, porn stars know that their images are being used for sexual gratification.

 

What isn't normal about this is that he is downloading many pictures of a girl you both know, without her knowledge. It seems very stalkerish to me.

 

Although many people have public pictures on their websites, I don't think it's respectful to download or forward them without that person's permission. It's not like these are porn stars or even Jessica Alba shots where the subject is advertising her sex appeal and offering herself up for download. This is an average person, who is probably unaware that her pics are now a part of some random dude's spank bank.

 

The fact that he hid it from you, shows that he knows you would have a problem with it, and didn't care. His need for those pics trumped his desire to have an open and honest relationship with you.

 

And his explanation that this is a problem from his past...what does that mean? Does he have a history of fixating on a real person in his life and taking or stealing pics of them? What does he do with these pics?

 

If this has been a problem for him in the past, it is unlikely that he will change without professional help. In fact, these types of problems often escalate. Now he's stalking facebook pages for pics, next he might be peeping in women's windows, then he may break in and steal their underwear. I'm not saying that all of that will happen, but this just doesn't seem to fall within the normal ranges of male behavior, IMO. Most men objectify women, but still have boundaries and know not to cross the line.

 

Men, I know that most of you probably have porn or pics of naked models. However, do you hoard pics of real-life aquaintances without their knowledge?