What now?

[picard123]

Hi everyone,

 

I am desperate for some advice please. I have been reading the forum on and off for a few months but never felt like posting until now..but your comments and thoughts are excellent.

 

This is my situation.

 

Met this guy 6 months ago now and we dated for a few months, it was great - he called me lots, lots of texts, out on dates, he loved being with me, we made plans for the future, laughed constantly, confided in each other and he missed me when I wasn't around - all of that. I fell for him - hard. Then after about 3 months,he rang me one night and we just chatted as normal..then I brought up that after seeing each other for the length of time we had, I thought it be good to see each other more than once a week like we had been - he instantly told me, he "wasn't ready for a relationship" and that he didn't know what to do.

 

(There is a cultural issue here also..he is from the middle east and I am not...he is NOT a muslim, so that is not part of the issue) so he cited that his parents would be distraught if he once again brought home another non middle eastern girl, with a child (I have a daughter) his ex had two children. Of course, his family were furious with him over her..and it caused many problems...they eventually broke up, but for a different reason..he loved her very much and she betrayed him with another man.

 

So after this bombshell was dropped on me, I told him we either sort it out or end it...and to not see each other for a week and see how we both felt, he agreed. And we ended the conversation..he then proceeded to text me that he didn't want to stop seeing me, he was sorry that his culture made it so difficult and he was so sad. The next day he texted me over and over asking if I was ok, how was I feeling, and lots of kisses. To cut a long story short, we met up the next day! He called me and said he had to see me, we had a great time but did not discuss any of it...neither of us wanted to I suppose. I saw him the following Wednesday, again it was lovely (no-one said anything, but he promised we'd see each other twice a week from now on) Great! Then I went to his new flat for the next weekend and stayed over it was nice, but a bit odd owing to the previous conversations. Anyway...he broke up with me a few days later. For the same reasons as above, and he wanted to be single and do his own thing. It was the worst day of my life. I was devastated.

 

Forward on 4 months, I have made a huge recovery, I am going to Uni in October, I have been travelling and enjoyed life a lot since then. I haven't stopped thinking of him though. We got chatting again a couple of weeks ago (I sent him a birthday card) and we agreed to meet up. Our communication (email) was between chatty, then one liners and chatty again. So...last night I met him. I as fully prepared for him to be an ass (sorry!) and he wasn't...at all. He was his normal self. We had a great evening, he asked me all about me, all about my daughter, what I had been doing, how work was etc. I told him all about my life, the Uni course, what I'd be doing and gave nothing away emotionally - I was full of energy and fun. He was delighted for me, and kept breaking into huge smiles. He wanted to cook me dinner, but I had other plans and told him I was only staying for an hour. He was disappointed I think. He had wanted me to go over on Friday, I said no..it was too "date like" for me at this point.

 

Neither of us mentioned the break up, I was not going to anyway and nor did he. (He had profusely apologised previously, after the break up and more than once) but he told me about his life...it is "empty and bare and I do nothing but watch TV and work out at the gym"...I was shocked. He told me he felt depressed a lot and sad...again I was shocked. I expected him to be full of tales of his life and accomplishments. Anyway, we talked about all sorts, he misses our conversations, he brought up things from the past we had done (I never mentioned any of them) and he said to me "the next come you come over" and "I hope to see you again soon"...to which I said nothing..except to take care of himself. He gave me a huge hug upon leaving. He is not seeing anyone.

 

I emailed him today and told him I had a nice time, I enjoyed it and maybe we could do it again some time. He replied immediatlely and said "Sure, me too it was nice to see you and moan about life :)" so I gave him my number and told him to keep in touch...no response. But this was only today, and I only saw him last night.

 

What do I do now? Is he playing me, am I back up girl? Or is it likely he has regretted his decision and wants to see how it goes now?

 

I did have a cry today about him, I am still in love with him, but if all I will be is back up...no way. I am better than that. So what now? If he contacts me again...how do I play it? I, of course hope he'd like to see me again, but then and only then would I bring up how we ARE proceeding on my terms. He doesn't get sex, he doesn't get to make all the rules.

 

What do you think guys? I am sorry it is so long!

 

Please help!

 

x

[KatZee]

I don't think there's much to think about. The issues for him will ALWAYS be there. He can't trade in his family for a new one. He will always be middle eastern, you will always not be one. His family will always have issues with those who are not middle eastern and this will likely be a source of grief.

 

I think he should have been upfront from day one. He should have told you he wasn't looking for something serious and that his family/religion/ethnicity would play a factor in who he could and couldn't seriously date. None of this has changed.

 

I'd keep up the work on your own personal front. I wouldn't look too much into this--- especially if you were the one to initiate the get together. You don't mention that here, but because you say, "I was fully expecting him to be an ass" I feel you were the initiator.