Mary Oak Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Ok, three weeks post break up. Ended because of my anger issues and lack of emotional support. Still want my girl back. Going to counseling and making huge progress. She said she is very impressed with my progress. Talked to her yesterday (we talk almost everyday) and she said she doesn't know what the future holds. SHe says at times she just wants to call and come see me. SHe said sometimes she thinks that our 7 year relationship was just a journey we had in life together and it is over. Says she loves me more than a friend. SHe acts like she really has no idea where her feelings are and seems to have shut off many of her feelings. I have told her that I know this is not a quick fix but I still have hope that we will get to a loving relationship. I am going to continue counseling and I am trying to move on. We talk alot about things, normal things in our lives and the differences we are having adjusting to this break up. SHe will be out of town visiting family for five days, and I believe we will not talk for that time, which scares me, but also provides some relief, for some reason. I am not at the point where I want to give up on us, I will wait for her, so going NC is not what I want to do. We also work together so that is virtually impossible without being really obvious we are not talking. I have tried to maintain a positive attitude and I don't beg, or bargain with her. I am just trying to love her 100 percent, so she will realize what I am capable of. I told her I would like to spend some time with her and she said she is not ready for that because she thinks it will catapult us back right to where we were. I am heart-broken still. I don't feel like I have healed at all. I feel I am becoming a better person and a much better communicator, but my insides always hurt and I can not get her out of my mind. The what-ifs, the maybes, the dreams of the future (both while asleep and awake). It is obsessive thinking. It is like i feel I can THINK her back to me. I know that is not the case. I just don't know how to let go of the thoughts or the pain. If we ever got back together, I know it would be months from now. I need to create a life for myself before then, but it is hard with this dream in my heart. THe counselor just tells me to work on myself. ANd I am. BUt, what else can I do? I already joined a gym and workout everday. I have dropped 20 pounds. I can't really afford to lose anymore. SHe said that even if we dated other people that it would not be the be-all-end-all for us. She said she is not talking to anyone or have any interest in anyone. I told her that I could not date anyone else while I was in love with her. I don't even know why this subject was mentioned. It puts thoughts in my head... too many... I really want this girl back, and I want to respect her feelings. I feel like if I can give her want she needs during this time, she may come back. BUt, I don't know what that is, as she says she is just taking each moment as it comes, no plan. I am not ready to give up a true love bond with this woman. WHen we were together, she loved me 100 percent. SHe was the emotional support in our relationship, holding us both up through everything. SHe said she held us until she couldn't anymore. Any thoughts?
Broken_heart_Vee Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Give her what she wants dude. I know the feeling!! the more you want to try and win her big the more she is going to walk further and further away. Give her space and time. In the meantime work on yourself, stay positive and move forward, you should also take each day as it comes there is always HOPE!! Good Luck! 1
haribogumsnickers Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Give her what she wants dude. I know the feeling!! the more you want to try and win her big the more she is going to walk further and further away. Give her space and time. In the meantime work on yourself, stay positive and move forward, you should also take each day as it comes there is always HOPE!! Good Luck! Verbatim...well said. She's not ready just yet. Keep your mind and heart open to accept the possibility that this is it. If you really love her, then let her go. Stay strong my friend.
Author Mary Oak Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 Do you think there is a chance she might come back? Why does she mention dating other people?
Dblock10 Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 oh man! lots to learn.. We talk alot about things, normal things in our lives and the differences we are having adjusting to this break up. you are helping her get over you by doing this.. elevating any guilt and validating the break up. you don't want to be broken up, you are becoming a friend to her. SHe said that even if we dated other people that it would not be the be-all-end-all for us. She said she is not talking to anyone or have any interest in anyone. this is very odd. and its not a good sign. i from an outside point of view with no emotions to this girl you talk of, would say this is her saying (i will date others) I'm just letting you know now, and because girls don't like to think anyone doesn't like them, its her way of getting you used to the idea, and letting you down gently. - also add that she probably has interest else where, so she sounds like she wants to check that out to she seems confused and has lost the love or what you meant to her. it doesn't sound like you will be able to rectify this, its up to her if she comes back. i would suggest moving on asap to avoid a long drawn out hurt. of course i understand if you can't do this. its one of the hardest things in life to do - give up on someone you belief is the be all end all.
Canadian731 Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 I completely agree with dblock, I'm currently 2 months into a break up, at first she wanted to be friends. But you have to realize that you can't grow from this experience if you talk to her everyday because this will only hurt you. You have to cut it off cold turkey, go straight to no contact, remove her number from your phone, remove her on any social networking you may have. Holding on to the feeling she may take you back one day isn't healthy, if you truly want her back the only chance you will have is to pick yourself up off the ground and become the man she would want to date, be a better person, go to the gym and work your Ass off, but do it for you. Take this time to make your life better for you.
Author Mary Oak Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 But we work together .. so no contact is impossible....plus everything I read says to let her know you are still there...I will not talk to her for five days next week, do you think that will be a jump start? Plus to be honest, I am not ready to go nc, after 7 years, it is just too hard. And i don't want to do it and then break contact. I don't feel I am strong enough yet.
Dblock10 Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 But we work together .. so no contact is impossible....plus everything I read says to let her know you are still there...I will not talk to her for five days next week, do you think that will be a jump start? Plus to be honest, I am not ready to go nc, after 7 years, it is just too hard. And i don't want to do it and then break contact. I don't feel I am strong enough yet. totally understandable, and yeah i can't think what would be best if you work together, couldn't think of anything worse :S yeah sure let her know you are still there, but what we are saying is, don't be a safety net helping her to move on whilst keeping yourself stuck in the past... also be open to the fact that by being there for her etc will eventually be you being a good friend, again be prepared for that. if its true love, sure it will be able to be fixed from a friendship but most of the time it doesn't work and it ends up hurting the dumpee for a long time. set your self goals, and stick to them. you need to work on you not her.
Zammo25 Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 My experience is that if a Woman loses the love for you it is almost impossible to get them to love you again. She sounds a kind woman who does not want to hurt you too much but she is letting you down easy and that dating comment means she is thinking of dating someone else, if she is not already. Sorry.
Canadian731 Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 By staying there you are basically telling her that she is free to try out other relationships and if they fail you will be there waiting at her feet. I'm not saying that you have to forget that she was ever In your life, keep contact to a bare minimum, just when you are at work, and only talk about things associated to work. A month ago I was just where you are now, then I realized that if her feelings for me dropped so low as to break up with me I obviously wasn't in a good place in life. In the past month I've grown more as a person then I have throughout my entire life, I started living my life for me, to please myself and not others, sometimes you just have to think about yourself man.
steveblack Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 A little advice, all the 'how to win your gf/bf back' stuff you read is BS. Dude, those sites, manuals etc, are just scamming people because they are down. They are predatory based on you emotions. You got to stay strong, if i saw my ex on a daily basis I would say what i feel. "Listen, i can't be your friend, if you want to talk about anything it has to be about working at the relationship. If not I need time to heal and figure my stuff out' I was in a relatioship (Ex ex) that i held on way too long and it sucked. I waited and waited and couldnt get over her for a LONG TIME. I waited for texts hoping praying blah blah. IT WAS AWFUL. trust me and everybody else on this forum. Accept, forgive and move on. My current situation I am TRYING not to be in the same situation before.
Author Mary Oak Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 We just talked and she said she didn't know if we would ever get back to a relationship. But, then we talked about IF we did and the things we would both need to work on. That makes me believe there is hope.
Zammo25 Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 What about " she doesn't think she could ever get back into a relationship with you " gives you hope ?
Canadian731 Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 (edited) I know that at this time, most people want to be comforted. But bro this chick is just ****ing with you, the is leaving an open end in the relationship incase being single doesn't work for her, meanwhile you will be sitting there waiting her like a well trained dog. You have to move on because even if she does come back unless things have changed majorly it will end in you feeling exactly the way you are now. In the end it doesn't matter what anyone on here says because you will do what you think Is right either way. And the mistakes you make in this relationship will be a learning experience for the next Edited July 25, 2012 by Canadian731
Zammo25 Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 I know that at this time, most people want to be comforted. But bro this chick is just ****ing with you, the is leaving an open end in the relationship invade being single doesn't work for her, meanwhile you will be sitting there waiting her like a well trained dog. You have to move on because even if she does come back unless things have changed majorly it will end in you feeling exactly the way you are now. Goodluck I agree. She wants the comfort blanket of the fall back guy incase the grass is not greener which in 90% of the time it isn't. The OP is like a comfy pair of slippers she can put on whenever she wants and he is there waiting and accepting if any new guy does not measure up so to speak. I was devastated a few years back over an ex but the new guy was an arse*ole and when she came back I had moved on and did not want to know her, even as friends.
Canadian731 Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 By no means am I saying that the possibility of you two getting back together isn't there, 7 years builds a strong bond for sure, all I am saying is that if she isn't sitting there waiting for you why should you wait for her. Go out and date other girls, you don't have to get into a serious relationship, just experience walking on grass on the other side aswell, goodluck my friend.
Canadian731 Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 (edited) Sorry for the double post by the way didn't see second page thought it didn't go through Edited July 25, 2012 by Canadian731
hinatticus Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Stop calling Mary dude... You still hanging in there Mary? Don't listen to the advice that your ex is seeing someone. It can go both ways. Remember my ex said the same thing about dating. It's been over 5 months and she isn't dating anyone yet. I think the reason our exes told us to date was because they truly thought we were unhappy with them. It's good you're learning about yourself through counseling. Hang in there.
Zammo25 Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Stop calling Mary dude... You still hanging in there Mary? Don't listen to the advice that your ex is seeing someone. It can go both ways. Remember my ex said the same thing about dating. It's been over 5 months and she isn't dating anyone yet. I think the reason our exes told us to date was because they truly thought we were unhappy with them. It's good you're learning about yourself through counseling. Hang in there. Mary is a dude.
Dblock10 Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 mary is a guy? I'm so confused? i thought mary oak was a bloke who has lost his girl
hinatticus Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 I don't really want to answer for Mary, but Mary is a she. She is a female. Opposite of male. Mary the woman. When she was younger she would've been considered a girl. So ya, Mary has lady parts. Just to clear the confusion... Sorry Mary if you didn't want me to answer for you.
Author Mary Oak Posted July 26, 2012 Author Posted July 26, 2012 Thank you I am indeed a female in love with another female She is not dating or even talking to someone else. SHe would tell me. SHe is that type of woman. This has been very hard on both of us. SHe left because she needed to leave. I understand that now. I tell her all the time I still have hope for us. ANd we have very deep conversations about the behaviors that took place between us. I am learning to understand that I tried to control her, because I was scared to lose her. I told her today that I want to fall in love with the independent girl and that I had faith that I could love her 100 percent. But, when she is not as forthcoming with her feelings, it makes me hurt. I know she can't be as she has been hurt. SHe feels if she starts feeling too much we will go right back to where we were. I try to respect her feelings but it is so hard when I just want her back, and I KNOW that things will be good. But, she was hurt for so long, that she does not have that faith now. I fear too much time will pass before she believes again.
hinatticus Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 Hi Mary The stuff about time passing... Give yourself a set time frame you are willing to take the blame and/or hope that she will see change and want you back. I gave myself 8 months to a year, but after my counselor told me I was showing really good signs of change, I've changed my tune a bit. What I mean is, I've put in all the hard work necessary for my behaviors to change and if that's still not good enough for her then that's too bad for her. Ill still have that tiny glimmer of hope tho, i have to, i have too much at stake(my son). With all the pain I've caused my ex, I was living in total shame. Shame is a tough frame of mind to escape. I still have lots of it, but I'm learning from it. You have to do the same. Don't beat yourself up too hard. You're on the right track. Finding out your faults and learning from them. Not many people do that. Good on you for that. Remember, if your ex doesn't want you back after you feel you've become the person you want to be, that's too bad for her. You can only beat yourself up for so long. With all that being said, I still want to be with my ex.
Recommended Posts