How did/do you rebuild trust?

[Spark1111]

We have talked about that. I have told her that if the time comes that something is wrong or she does not feel loved, or whatever, to stop me in my tracks, shake me, hit me, do anything it takes to get my attention and let me know. I will do the same with her. Too many times, in the past, we just rolled with the flow and let things continue. That can't happen again.

 

I agree! Complacency KILLS more marriages than anything else.

 

What hindered us for a long time, was not so much discussing the details of my H's affair, but rather having him tell me what he was feeling at that moment in time.

 

Those discussions became more important to me than any detail. If he could not/cannot discuss feelings, whatever they may be, we could certainly wind up in the same boat again.

 

There can be too many "I don't knows," and "I don't remember(s)." Initially, I thought how self-serving, how convenient, and I'd go crazy...once again.

 

But OVER TIME, I realized a truly remoseful WS has the shock of their actions of betrayal to deal with also. They do block out what they are not yet ready to face within themselves.

 

Many a marriage will not survive the time it takes for a WS to introspect and heal themselves, if they ever do.

[mercy]

I realize it has been a short time, and yes, I would like a fast track....I know that won't happen. I guess I am wishing for advice that would speed things up. I so want to have things back to the way they were.

 

BUT, I do need to say. We are so much closer and kinder now than we have been in years. That is nice.

 

 

It was/is just the opposite with me. I never want things to go back to the way that they were. I love this 'new' marriage we have, cherish it, in fact. Nope don't ever want to go back.

[NotCamelot]

It was/is just the opposite with me. I never want things to go back to the way that they were. I love this 'new' marriage we have, cherish it, in fact. Nope don't ever want to go back.

 

I am very happy with the way love is openly expressed now, better than before. I guess what I would like to have the way t was before is the ability to not ever worry who she talks to or sees. I hope that will come.

[mercy]

I am very happy with the way love is openly expressed now, better than before. I guess what I would like to have the way t was before is the ability to not ever worry who she talks to or sees. I hope that will come.

 

If you hope it, desire it then one day I believe peace will come. Love heals all wounds.

 

I never had the desire to check up on him, checking up on him made it just seem to real. You know what I mean? I was in a little bit of denial in the beginning. There were moments when I'd comfort myself by saying, it's ok, none of this happened. It worked for a bit, then reality has a way of smacking you back. So checking up on him was out of the question.

 

Besides I saw what he was going through and I believed, this guy will never do that again. It just isn't who he is.

 

You'll come through this, just stay in the moment rather than fret over what has been or what may come. Do whatever it takes to give yourself some peace.

[NotCamelot]

 

You'll come through this, just stay in the moment rather than fret over what has been or what may come. Do whatever it takes to give yourself some peace.

 

That is what I am trying so hard to do.

 

I broke down crying while picking up clothes in the bedroom last night. She was in the front of the house and never knew it. I really don't know what caused it.

 

Even though I have her, I still feel so alone at times.

 

Yesterday, she told me that the OM has not contacted her or tried to contact her since d-day.

 

I guess part of the problem is that I will go back and re-read the emails they exchanged. Then I feel bad for a while again. How do I stop doing that. Is that really fair to her that I keep going back to what has clearly stopped --- while she is really proving her love to me?

[Spark1111]

That is what I am trying so hard to do.

 

I broke down crying while picking up clothes in the bedroom last night. She was in the front of the house and never knew it. I really don't know what caused it.

 

Even though I have her, I still feel so alone at times.

 

Yesterday, she told me that the OM has not contacted her or tried to contact her since d-day.

 

I guess part of the problem is that I will go back and re-read the emails they exchanged. Then I feel bad for a while again. How do I stop doing that. Is that really fair to her that I keep going back to what has clearly stopped --- while she is really proving her love to me?

 

NC...everyone heals differently, using different methods to do so.

 

I read, and re-read, and re-absorbed it all until it could no longer hurt me; like replaying the scene of an accident, or veterans who meet regularly to re-live the horrors of war.

 

For me, the only way to the other side is THROUGH it. That is why honesty is so important, and a BS who remains empathetic to the pain they have caused and continually listens and comforts you.

 

Sometimes, when you have days when you are feeling stronger, you will put it all aside, including LS and take mental health breaks.

 

It is so soon for you. Please read up on the stages of PTSD, and what to expect from the process.

[Owl]

That is what I am trying so hard to do.

 

I broke down crying while picking up clothes in the bedroom last night. She was in the front of the house and never knew it. I really don't know what caused it.

 

Even though I have her, I still feel so alone at times.

 

Yesterday, she told me that the OM has not contacted her or tried to contact her since d-day.

 

I guess part of the problem is that I will go back and re-read the emails they exchanged. Then I feel bad for a while again. How do I stop doing that. Is that really fair to her that I keep going back to what has clearly stopped --- while she is really proving her love to me?

 

What you're doing is NORMAL.

 

I did it, most BS's do it. Those that reconcile and those that don't.

 

You're trying to get an understanding of it. The size, the scope, what happened, why, when, how, where.

 

You're doing it because you were denied the truth of it while it was happening. Because you need to understand what it is you're being asked to forgive. Because you don't know 100% for sure that you truly do have all the information now...because it was denied to you before.

 

Trust is rebuilt over time, by her actively demonstrating both trustworthy behavior (that you can independently verify) and by her willingness and desire to rebuild that trust that she damaged/destroyed.

 

You have to see that she wants to rebuild the trust, and that she's doing everything that she can TO rebuild that trust.

 

You want to know that she "gets it".

 

Over time, as long as she continues with that attitude and behavior, trust can be restored. Will it be that "blind trust" that you had before? Probably not. You know now that there's nothing mystical protecting your marriage above all others, that you're not somehow immune to this happening...so that childlike (childish?) innocence won't return. But, you can get to a point where you'll believe what she says, and no longer feel a need to verify it all the time.

 

Hope this helps.

[NotCamelot]

She is trying to find ways to prove I can trust....she doesn't say that's what she is doing, but I can tell.

 

At lunch today, I told her that I was trying to trust her. She took my hand and smiled at me. I told that trusting her was very hard. She said, "I know."

 

I know it can't be, but I want this hurt over fast. Some days it feels like d-day all over again. But, thankfully, those days are getting further apart.

 

She sees the hurt in my eyes......and tells me when she sees it. I get a little satisfaction knowing that she sees what she has done --- is that wrong?

 

When she sees it, she stops whatever and talks to me. Over and over telling me that it was her fault, that is was over that day, NC since......and asks what can she do to prove it me.