zanzi Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 I am looking in the mirror since the ex left. Blech, I dont even want to talk about him. And when I look at myself, I see an emotionally childish, demanding, needy person. My best friend (was) has stopped talking to me because I admitted to her a few days ago that I was having suicidal thoughts ( after being dumped). She is afraid of me. Many many times, that has happened, Iv'e lost friends, family and lovers because I kept being selfish. Falling off the wagon. Its not just her either, my landlord has told me any funny business (loud crying, self harming, or anything like that) and I have to pack my bags. People seem to see me as some kind of emotion sucking monster. The moment I have an episode ( deep depression, intense anger, suicidal ideaology) nobody wants to be around me, and I can't say that I blame them. I guess I'll try to defend myself by saying they are afraid of me because of my depression. I am having councilling, but I dont know if there are enough councillers in existence...Iv'e been ill for six years. And oh haven't I used to those years to drive away everyone Iv'e loved. I don't think I want him back. I think I'm just getting very lonely and looking for ways to fill it. If he came back now I would just be angry at him. Who cares about him, he abandoned me. He only liked the version of me who was up to my eyes in mood stablizing medication. That bastard ignores me now that he's finished f*cking me over. I guess him leaving me has just triggered off a depressive episode. I guess this isnt really about him. Its about me. But I just feel so totally sh*t all the time. Like I am just holding on to a raft in the ocean by the grip of two fingers, about to slide off into the cold water. And it's him who has done this to me, intentionally or not. My emotions caused by him.
sunlover Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Hey! Hang in there. I dont know much about depression, but you said it yourself....this is about YOU not him. Be single, be you, focus on you. Better yourself. You have to love yourself first. How old are you?
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