Thornton Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 A certain group of my partner's friends dislike me. I have no idea why. They aren't openly hostile and don't say anything bad about me, they just exclude me from everything they do together. They arrange things and invite my partner to go, but I'm not invited. When we happen to end up in the same place together, they blank me. My partner accepts this behavior and says it isn't his fault they don't like me, and he won't give up his friends because it's not up to me to choose who he's friends with. He says if they were outright nasty to me then he'd do something about it, but they're not being nasty, they just don't want to be my friends. I find it hurtful that he accepts them disliking me and is still friends with them. I think he should say, if you can't be friends with Thornton then you're not a friend of mine. It upsets me every time he accepts an invitation from them, because I'm excluded and he still goes. Surely he should turn down the invitation if I'm not welcome? This isn't about me wanting to be joined at the hip with him - I'm perfectly happy when a nice friend who is friendly towards me invites him to go out without me. This is about him being friends with people who dislike me, instead of taking my side and ditching them as friends, and spending more time with his other friends who accept me. The difficult part is that he isn't as close with his friends who are nice to me, it's his closest group of friends who dislike me. Our relationship is great but I'm actually considering ending it because of this issue, because he doesn't side with me and ditch these people who dislike me for absolutely no reason. It constantly hurts me that he's willing to be friends with people who upset me by excluding me. I don't know what to do
Author Thornton Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 They ARE being nasty to me though - by excluding me. They don't say anything nasty, or directly do anything nasty, but I feel that excluding me from their group counts as being nasty to me. If they want to be friends with my partner then they should politely tolerate me and speak to me in a civil way. If they organise something where couples are invited, we should be invited as a couple, whether they like me or not. Disliking me doesn't excuse them from general politeness and civility.
freestyle Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 How long have you & your partner been together? I'm trying to understand why they're treating you so poorly--are they still friends with a long-term ex of us, who was part of their social circle? Or is there someone in that circle who he used to be involved with, or who's harboring a crush on him? (I'm NOT trying to justify, or excuse their behavior--I'm just wondering what's at the root of their attitude towards you) I do understand your frustration--I can see how it would feel like their deliberate exclusion of you is being condoned/endorsed by your partner, when he accepts invitations from you that exclude you. I don't think your being OTT at all, feeling shunned is very painful, especially when there doesn't seem to be a logical reason for it.
Author Thornton Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 To be fair, sometimes it isn't totally his fault. Like for example, if someone has a dinner party and can only accommodate 8 people at their table, I won't be invited as one of the 8. My partner will be invited and will insist on going, and if I complain he'll say I was excluded for reasons of space, not because they're nasty to me. I think in a situation like that he shouldn't go because I'm not welcome, but he'll say he wants to go because they're his friends, and he doesn't see why he shouldn't go just because they don't have room to invite me too. Or sometimes, someone has invited everyone to their home, and he says he can't just demand that they invite me too. Again, I think he should decline if I'm not welcome - there's absolutely no excuse why I shouldn't be invited if space isn't limited. We've been together for a few years. There's no ex in the picture - he moved here a few years ago from another part of the country and these friends have never known any of his girlfriends except me. They're all in long term relationships so as far as I'm aware nobody is crushing on him. I'm completely at a loss and don't understand why they exclude me.
freestyle Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 To be fair, sometimes it isn't totally his fault. Like for example, if someone has a dinner party and can only accommodate 8 people at their table, I won't be invited as one of the 8. My partner will be invited and will insist on going, and if I complain he'll say I was excluded for reasons of space, not because they're nasty to me. I think in a situation like that he shouldn't go because I'm not welcome, but he'll say he wants to go because they're his friends, and he doesn't see why he shouldn't go just because they don't have room to invite me too. Or sometimes, someone has invited everyone to their home, and he says he can't just demand that they invite me too. Again, I think he should decline if I'm not welcome - there's absolutely no excuse why I shouldn't be invited if space isn't limited. We've been together for a few years. There's no ex in the picture - he moved here a few years ago from another part of the country and these friends have never known any of his girlfriends except me. They're all in long term relationships so as far as I'm aware nobody is crushing on him. I'm completely at a loss and don't understand why they exclude me. I call B.S. on the "limited space" excuse. If they're truly excluding you, then they're disrespecting HIM, by not accepting his choice to have you in his life, especially since you've been together for a few years. I think it's a red flag that your partner is being dismissive of how this is making you feel.
KungFuJoe Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Is he your boyfriend or are you guys just casually dating? If he's your boyfriend, he's a freakin jerk. There is no way in HELL that I would ever consider going to a social event without my partner unless it was a once in a lifetime thing that I HAD to go to (like a sold out concert and only ONE ticket was available) or some company function where I wasn't allowed to bring my SO. If this is just some dinner thing and my friends FAIL to reserve a seat for my SO, they will soon cease to be my friends. I just realized this in the Marriage subforum. Wow...words fail to describe how much of an ******* he is. 1
Els Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 Is he your boyfriend or are you guys just casually dating? If he's your boyfriend, he's a freakin jerk. There is no way in HELL that I would ever consider going to a social event without my partner unless it was a once in a lifetime thing that I HAD to go to (like a sold out concert and only ONE ticket was available) or some company function where I wasn't allowed to bring my SO. If this is just some dinner thing and my friends FAIL to reserve a seat for my SO, they will soon cease to be my friends. I just realized this in the Marriage subforum. Wow...words fail to describe how much of an ******* he is. I completely agree. It's one thing if it's an event where it would be totally inappropriate for Thornton to come (eg guys' night out where all the guys don't bring their gfs and she would be the only one, or company function where SOs are not invited), or if she couldn't make it/didn't want to come. Purposefully not inviting her not once, but multiple times, and refusing to make accommodations repeatedly when corrected, and her bf being completely fine with it... is just wrong IMO. He doesn't NEED to leave his friends but he needs to stick up to them and tell them that your feelings are important to him. The only reason they continue to do this is because he lets them.
Gagirl Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 This is terrible. You are Definately being excluded. If this is not a guys night out, the next this happens, go to the event. If they say it's just for 8 so say whatever, I don't care and go anyway. If he doesn't allow you to go, then just show up. By staying home, you are letting everyone know that it is Ok to bully and abuse you. By going against their wishes, you are letting it be known that you are in this relationship and will be included. They will eventually quit inviting him or will learn to include you. Or, you could just start scheduling a lot of things for the two of you to do so much so that he doesn't have time to go out with them anymore. If his friends are disrespectful to you it's the same as disrespecting him. He should not associate with people who are rude and hurtful to you.
alexandria35 Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 How seriously involved are you with this guy? Are you casually dating, living together? or engaged? If this is a serious relationship then you should definitely be included in his social activities unless it's all guys situation. This is your boyfriends fault. His friends will continue to snub you until he speaks up for you. If he doesn't do something about this then nothing will change. If you two are just casually dating then maybe his friends don't actually consider you a couple so thats why they don't think to invite you. Again this has a lot to do with how your boyfriend is presenting your relationship to them. They are taking their cues from him. If they actively dislike you then it's because your boyfriend is presenting you negatively to them. This definitely is his fault. I once had a longterm boyfriend who's best friends, a married couple, wouldn't accept me and they actively interfered in our relationship. They were actually kind of known to do this and I wasn't the only gf/wife that had this problem with this couple. Still when we broke up I blamed my ex 100% for how they treated me. Even though they were known for interfering and causing problems in other peoples relationships, I had noticed that they only did it when they were given an opening to do so. Their guy friends who treated and spoke of their wives/gfs with respect and presented their relationship as their first priority, never had a problem. But as soon as guy let it be known that he didn't really respect his spouse/SO and/or starting bitching and complaining about her, this couple saw this as an open invitation to go on the attack as well. So when they started with me I knew damn well my exbf had brought in on. This situation isn't going to change unless your bf does something about it. If he won't then you have to question your relationship with him and ask yourself where it's going. Perhaps he isn't looking at you as a long term relationship anyways and that's why he doesn't care if his friends accept your or not. Or perhaps he's just one of those guys (like my ex) who can't/won't stand up for his gf/wife and lets his friends dictate his life to him and if that's the case then he is not good relationship material. You don't want to marry a guy with no spine. 1
Emme Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 A few years means 3. If you and him are not even considering marriage you are in a relationship with a man who doesn't respect you. It's not about disliking someone it's about being respectful of someone's partner whether you like them or not. Your partner does not respect you. He respects his friends. It's time for you to end the relationship and state the reason why. It's not his friends fault at all. They can only do what he allows. Your issue is him. End it if he's not willing to respect you as his partner.
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