Thatguy80 Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Hey all! So I'm trying to figure out what happened here, I really don't want this happen again. I had decided for some weird reason to try the gentleman/slow approach with this girl and I think it blew up in my face. I'm naturally a very physical guy so maybe it showed I was holding back? So about 3 weeks ago I met this girl. I'm 33 and she's in her late 20s. She was very attractive and everything really seemed to click with us. I set up a date with her for the following weekend during the day, and did not have any contact in between. We met at a park. It was like we had known each other for years. We were very playful with each other and the chemistry just felt like it was on, she really seemed interested in me. Neither of us wanted to end the date. I gave her a hug goodbye and we parted. The next day she sent me a text thanking me for a great time and I set up another date with her, like the last time, a week in advance. I did not contact her that entire week. I showed up at her door for the 2nd date at the specified time, she had her door open and was ready to go. I took her to a pizza place that kinda has a kid's theme (Not Chucky cheeses!). It has a bunch of rides, golf, bowling, etc that were really fun. I decided to take her there because the first date we just acted like 2 kids wandering around playing. This date was no exception. We had a blast. She really seemed into me again, and everything inside of myself told me this was going somewhere. She would walk really close to me and touch me occasionally. She seemed very attentive to everything I said. She said that place was a great idea after we left. I took her out for ice cream afterwards, and it went great as well. When we got back to her house, I said "don't worry, there won't be an awkward moment" as I walked her to her door. Once we got to her door, she turned around and gave me a pretty tight 4-5 second full body hug. I gave her a nice kiss on the cheek to which she giggled and we said goodnight. I go to call her 2 days later and I get the dreaded voicemail and left a message to get back to me. She sent a text a few hours later with the "You're a great guy, I just don't feel the connection but we could probably be great friends" type speech. I mean, I'm guessing she was attracted to me at the start cause she fished for another date with the text, wouldnt you think? The thing that gets to me so much is that everything in my being told me this girl was into me. Could not going for a kiss really make her loose all interest in me that fast? I just don't understand how that could turn her off just because I wanted to take it slow. I thought I was being a gentleman and respecting her by going slow, and planned to definalty kiss her on the 3rd date. I've had women tell me that being too forward physically is a big turnoff and I've had women run away in the past by doing that. Is there a chance that me being too playful might have made her question my maturity? She seemed to love it and go with it. It's just really confusing and I'm kicking myself for altering what I normally do with women because I actually really liked this one.
ja123 Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 I think you did every thing right! You're a star! I just think that she has someone else that she is seeing, and perhaps sees him as more of a match than you. Don't take it personally (though I know that's easier said than done.) My suggestion would not to be friends with her. Be honest, tell her that you're looking for more than friends, but if friends is all she sees you as, then wish her well, stop texting and communicating with her, and move on. 1
monkey00 Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 She sent a text a few hours later with the "You're a great guy, I just don't feel the connection but we could probably be great friends" type speech. I mean, I'm guessing she was attracted to me at the start cause she fished for another date with the text, wouldnt you think? The thing that gets to me so much is that everything in my being told me this girl was into me. Could not going for a kiss really make her loose all interest in me that fast? I just don't understand how that could turn her off just because I wanted to take it slow. I thought I was being a gentleman and respecting her by going slow, and planned to definalty kiss her on the 3rd date. I've had women tell me that being too forward physically is a big turnoff and I've had women run away in the past by doing that. Is there a chance that me being too playful might have made her question my maturity? She seemed to love it and go with it. It's just really confusing and I'm kicking myself for altering what I normally do with women because I actually really liked this one. Don't worry about it man it happens. I've been on a number of dates where I probably moved too quickly and wound up scaring the girl away. I decided to try the complete opposite on the last girl (moving slow thing) I dated and it kind of blew up in my face like you. I realized from all this is that there has to be a happy medium. You can't come off too strong, but you do have to be assertive with your intentions by making a move as early as the first or second date. Anyway all girls are insecure to a degree. She probably does like you romantically but she's likely playing the I reject you before you reject me card. Sometimes they play that card in order to make you be more assertive the next time around. Maybe you can salvage this by doing NC for a week or two and bring it on hot and heavy if you do see her again. Play it by ear. If she responds to you when you text/call her and doesn't ignore you completely you still might have a chance. OR none of this really matters and like the above poster said, she might just be seeing someone else/dating around. 1
SJC2008 Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 I hate reading these threads about great dates that go nowhere. You never know with dating I had my 1st, 1st date kiss ever and didn't get a second date so you never know. If she is a woman who is insecure more than the average "basline" insecurity that everyone has, the fact that you didn't kiss her in two dates, initiate in contact in between dates and the fact that you took two days to call her after the second date she probaly thought you were not really into her or playing it cool. That being said you did nothing wrong IMO, there's no need for contact in between dates early on but it is 2012 so I'd advise at least a peck by no later than the 2nd date. 1
dasein Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 You didn't do anything wrong, she went on two dates and decided it wasn't in the cards. Don't be hard on yourself, has happened to all of us, and the more experience we get the more it happens. In the future, consider not altering your natural sexual assertiveness at all. Always be showing sexual interest and some aloofness. Don't make it easy for them or give away the store too fast. Women can tell when you dig them too much too soon and its a turnoff if they feel you dig them no matter what and no matter what they do for you. Try to forestall any feelings of liking or extra attention, compliments until things are getting enthusiastically physical on both ends. Until then it's all noise and yes women do accept dates from men whom they don't see moving forward with just to pass time. Just a reality to accept. Good luck moving forward! 1
Author Thatguy80 Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 Thanks for the kind words everyone. I had a friend of mine tell me the EXACT same thing, about it being 2012 and women expect a guy to make a move sooner. In the past, I've always been exact opposite and was coming on too strong at the beginning. I think the other guy thing could definately be it as I did meet her online and she's for sure one of the better looking ones on there. So you know a TON of guys are after her there. It's really odd though that she could get turned off so fast, because the chemistry felt so strong. One other thing that could be it that I forgot to mention. So when I met her I was dating another girl. Me and the other girl had an understanding that we could date other people but never spoke of it. The girl I met was actually a friend of hers (not close, but they keep in touch). You know how sometimes we do stupid things without any reason why? Well I TOLD her about this girl after we broke it off due to lack of chemistry. This was a mutual decision, and we're still friends. I really don't think this girl would call the other and sabotage it, but maybe that's it... That was one of the dumbest things I've ever done.. lol
dasein Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Wanted to add an anecdote. A few years back, I met this girl I thought was perfect, smart, gorgeous, interesting, warm. First date went very well, makeout, lots of innuendo. She refused the second date. I was pissed off and frustrated. But hey, despite the noise, she just didn't feel it with me. Next week, met an even smarter, better looking, more interesting, warmer woman, better in every way, and she thought I was the hottest thing from the start, had to slow her down even. Blew up after a few months, but a great ride while it lasted. The moral is not to take rejection personally, you never know what or why one is going to be turned on or turned off by you provided you are doing basic things right, and it's all just noise, whether they seem interested, whatever, until they are actually pawing at the wingwang. Hope that helps.
dasein Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 I really don't think this girl would call the other and sabotage it, but maybe that's it... A great lesson to learn. Keep the lip zipped about all but light flirty seductive stuff. The dating pool one is in is always smaller than it seems, people know people and talk.
monkey00 Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Thanks for the kind words everyone. I had a friend of mine tell me the EXACT same thing, about it being 2012 and women expect a guy to make a move sooner. In the past, I've always been exact opposite and was coming on too strong at the beginning. I think the other guy thing could definately be it as I did meet her online and she's for sure one of the better looking ones on there. So you know a TON of guys are after her there. It's really odd though that she could get turned off so fast, because the chemistry felt so strong. One other thing that could be it that I forgot to mention. So when I met her I was dating another girl. Me and the other girl had an understanding that we could date other people but never spoke of it. The girl I met was actually a friend of hers (not close, but they keep in touch). You know how sometimes we do stupid things without any reason why? Well I TOLD her about this girl after we broke it off due to lack of chemistry. This was a mutual decision, and we're still friends. I really don't think this girl would call the other and sabotage it, but maybe that's it... That was one of the dumbest things I've ever done.. lol There, that's probably the culprit ... online dating. I think a lot of guys in general have a hard time and read women by their words. Women read guys by their actions, true. Guys should do this more with women. I feel the whole friend's line thing is all hogwash to be honest and often times is a cover up to their insecurities. Well anyway you learned your lesson, women tell their friends everything. Never do it again!
SJC2008 Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 I think the other guy thing could definately be it as I did meet her online and she's for sure one of the better looking ones on there. So you know a TON of guys are after her there. That's all you had to say right there. You got bigger better dealed and she'll get bigger better dealed by the guy she bbd you for. Such is OLD life!
Author Thatguy80 Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 You didn't do anything wrong, she went on two dates and decided it wasn't in the cards. Don't be hard on yourself, has happened to all of us, and the more experience we get the more it happens. In the future, consider not altering your natural sexual assertiveness at all. Always be showing sexual interest and some aloofness. Don't make it easy for them or give away the store too fast. Women can tell when you dig them too much too soon and its a turnoff if they feel you dig them no matter what and no matter what they do for you. Try to forestall any feelings of liking or extra attention, compliments until things are getting enthusiastically physical on both ends. Until then it's all noise and yes women do accept dates from men whom they don't see moving forward with just to pass time. Just a reality to accept. Good luck moving forward! I totally agree with not holding back in the future. I think date 2 is the ideal to start the physical, date 1 is more of a meet and greet if I meet another one from online. I really don't think this paticular girl was trying to pass the time cause she rearanged her weekend to free up Saturday night when I asked her out for that night. I had made this whole time with her about fun, and I never ever compliment a woman at the start except for telling her she looks nice when I pick her up. I'll talk about a few serious topics, but keep it short and turn it back to light, fun topics. I'll also keep the contact very limited at the beginning to both keep a mystery about myself and to also protect myself from getting into someone too soon. I personally believe dating should be like two children playing together in some ways. Of course there is a time to be serious, but most of it should be playing around and connecting on that level. I appreciate the responses!
USMCHokie Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 That's all you had to say right there. You got bigger better dealed and she'll get bigger better dealed by the guy she bbd you for. Such is OLD life! Yea...some other dude probably put it in her before you did... ...and I'm not even joking... 1
USMCHokie Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 I totally agree with not holding back in the future. I think date 2 is the ideal to start the physical, date 1 is more of a meet and greet if I meet another one from online. For me personally, it's either a kiss on the first date or no second date... It's a pretty solid standard operating procedure... 2
SJC2008 Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 For me personally, it's either a kiss on the first date or no second date... It's a pretty solid standard operating procedure... You'd deal break over getting the cheek on a 1st date?
SJC2008 Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Yea...some other dude probably put it in her before you did... ...and I'm not even joking... Lol right! She checked the box for wants a kidsa and a Christian man but was wondering why there were no boxes for huge cock and trust fund lol.
USMCHokie Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 You'd deal break over getting the cheek on a 1st date? Ummm, yea. I've only gotten a cheek once in my life, and she was definitely not interested...and besides, cheek doesn't count...so if no kiss, then no second date...
Chunky Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 If she says she just wants to be friends then I would take her at her word. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Go fishing somewhere else.
amantis Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 (edited) I agreed with USMCHoKIE Like i said before , you have to kiss on the first date or you get friend zoned very quick . What do you have to lose giving a kiss on the first date ? its just a kiss , and if they like , good for you , if they dont , you move on . I dont understand how people can go on dates and dont kiss them on the first date ... The only situation when i dont kiss , is when i didnt like them Edited July 25, 2012 by amantis
Imajerk17 Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 (1) People "act" a lot on early dates. It's something like job interviewing in that often, someone will act interested even if they aren't sure whether they really are. They'd rather have the job offer and THEN decide whether or not whether they want to take it. (2) Next time, go for the kiss. Your not doing it had something to do with you ending up in the friend zone. If you were able to attract a woman like this in the first place, you will be able to meet another.
Author Thatguy80 Posted July 27, 2012 Author Posted July 27, 2012 Thanks. Yeah I know I can meet another just as compatible or better for me than she was. Even though I'm quite sure I screwed myself by not making a move, a part of me wonders if the other girl sabotaged it. So as I mentioned, I stupidly told the other girl about this one when we broke it off. I won't write them all out but there are many signs that makes me believe that the 2 girls were talking about me before I got FZ/rejected by the one I liked. I'm not really sure how to bring it up to the other girl to find out. I'd really like to know though so I could at least tell my side of the story, cause I'm not a player or jerk.. Lol
It's Just Me Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 it's all just noise, whether they seem interested, whatever, until they are actually pawing at the wingwang. This made me spit coffee all over my monitor! No, OP - you didn't do anything wrong by holding back on the first date. I think you were being quite the gentleman, actually. Just keep doing what you're doing, and your wingwang will get pawed at soon enough.
Author Thatguy80 Posted July 27, 2012 Author Posted July 27, 2012 This made me spit coffee all over my monitor! No, OP - you didn't do anything wrong by holding back on the first date. I think you were being quite the gentleman, actually. Just keep doing what you're doing, and your wingwang will get pawed at soon enough. Thanks lol. Actually I held back on the first and second dates. I tried nothing and it's no wonder she ran off. I'm physical by nature so it might have shown as a lack of confidence to her. Or it could be what my last post was about. There were some pretty bizarre things that happened afterwards that made me consider that is what might have happened.
It's Just Me Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 As someone who has been there, done that... I never judged a guy by his lack of a first kiss. But I did judge guys who went too far on a first date. For what it's worth, best to hold back, as the bizarreness will happen, if it's going to happen - regardless of what you do. What are you most comfortable with? A girl who expects action out the gate, or one who can demure until it's appropriate?
SJC2008 Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 I agreed with USMCHoKIE Like i said before , you have to kiss on the first date or you get friend zoned very quick . What do you have to lose giving a kiss on the first date ? its just a kiss , and if they like , good for you , if they dont , you move on . I dont understand how people can go on dates and dont kiss them on the first date ... The only situation when i dont kiss , is when i didnt like them I had my 1st 1st date kiss ever last week and didn't get a second date. I was neutral about her so it almost didn't sting at all. I never got the point of kissing on the first date and if I count a rejection on my part, I got past the 1st date with the last 4 women, obviously not counting the most recent. If a woman is interested she's not gonna deal break you over no kiss on the 1st date. Now the second date, that's another story.
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