steveblack Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 All you guys need to know is she got the GIGS. She broke it off, I said i needed time to myself. She said ok, I said i would contact her (email) in a month to see where we wanted to go from there (she agreed). (this was a day after the break up and I didn't know what i was doing) I randomly selected a day (actually its today) and said i would contact her Its been around a month of NC and I started drafting multiple emails (this is the third one) and i trashed everyone, thinking what is the point? My draft emails have evolved actually, its funny to see. First one was all about the good times, giving examples and talking about emotional stuff (week 1) the second one was talking about our options from here. and giving her a multiple choice of what to do. (week 2) third one is basically saying. I understand stuff.. then tailing off with lets get coffee. (week 3) This one is basically just saying. Hey we had some good times that I will never forget. We were good people, it just might not of been the right time. See ya around. (Week 4) My goals of the emails have changed. at first was, get her back, get her back. now its eh i understand, don't feel bad about it. I know you didnt mean to hurt me, lets be happy somehow. I feel like since i told her i would email her i should do it. But is it worth it. I am looking for closure. I feel if i do send something, when ready, I wont think about the what if's
Lisa_Lisa Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 It's tough. You want to let your ex know how you're feeling and maybe evoke some feelings within her, but as others might tell you on this forum, you'll just be hurt because maybe she won't respond or she might not respond in the way you wished she would. And then you'll be feeling empty and you might even want to contact her to ask her why she didn't respond. Believe me, I go through the same thing. I want to call him, but what would we talk about? Do I say 'hey no hard feelings' even though he hurt me? Email is worse cause it might take days or weeks for the ex to respond, mostly because they don't know how or they couldn't care less and just send it to the trash. It's not worth it. Write it, but don't send it.
big bear Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 You want closure. Let me tell you the only person who can give you closure is you. Nobody, not you ex, not your mates, not your family can give you closure. They can help you but closure will come from within.
Pod81 Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 I was in a similar situation. Ex got the GIGS, we went on a break for a little more than a month, then broke up for good. About a few days later, I sent a final email saying that...I will always remember the good times we had together, that I couldn't be friends with her anytime in the near future because she needs to figure her sh*t out on her own and make her own mistakes, wished her luck that she would become the best person she could be, that it's best that we lead our own lives for now and maybe in the future, we'll cross paths again. Personally, it gave me closure even though she never responded. Not to mention that I felt it was the mature thing to do considering I didn't yell, point fingers, cry, beg, or plead about any reconciliation. I was already in the mindset that the email would be my absolute final contact with her for a long time so if you can feel the same way, it's not necessarily a bad idea despite everyone preaching immediate NC like it's gospel.
Sheppy99 Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 steve.......... I hope you haven't emailed her yet without hearing this first. Imagine this from her perspective. You like me sound like a guy who doesn't feel like he has a lot of the power in the relationship. Now imagine her sitting at home anxiously awaiting your email after 4 weeks to see what you have to say and you almost right on time write her that email. Now imagine you instead wait an extra week or 2 at least and make her wait anxiously waiting wondering why the hell you haven't written to her yet? Not only will that put you in the driver seat, I almost guarantee she'll email you first wondering what the hell is going on. I almost think it's ingenious that you said you would email her after a month. If she emails you first saying what the hell, I thought you were gonna email me. Wait a day or two and email back and say oh so sorry, been so busy lately and carry on with your conversation. I'm not big on mind games but why not make her chase you a bit? Being on time with your email only proves to her that all you've been doing is waiting for that 4 weeks to be up so you can email her and just counting the days down. Waiting an extra week or two at least shows oh oops it slipped my mind giving you the power back.
Pod81 Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 (edited) steve.......... I hope you haven't emailed her yet without hearing this first. Imagine this from her perspective. You like me sound like a guy who doesn't feel like he has a lot of the power in the relationship. Now imagine her sitting at home anxiously awaiting your email after 4 weeks to see what you have to say and you almost right on time write her that email. Now imagine you instead wait an extra week or 2 at least and make her wait anxiously waiting wondering why the hell you haven't written to her yet? Not only will that put you in the driver seat, I almost guarantee she'll email you first wondering what the hell is going on. I almost think it's ingenious that you said you would email her after a month. If she emails you first saying what the hell, I thought you were gonna email me. Wait a day or two and email back and say oh so sorry, been so busy lately and carry on with your conversation. I'm not big on mind games but why not make her chase you a bit? Being on time with your email only proves to her that all you've been doing is waiting for that 4 weeks to be up so you can email her and just counting the days down. Waiting an extra week or two at least shows oh oops it slipped my mind giving you the power back. If it truly is GIGS, it'll take more than just a week or 2 of mind games for her to ever want you back. Once it hits, the only course of action is to let her go through that process of maturation and emotional growth (likely more than a year) and NC on your end. Even then, it's hardly a guarantee. Edited July 25, 2012 by Pod81
Sheppy99 Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 If it truly is GIGS, it'll take more than just a week or 2 of mind games for her to ever want you back. Once it hits, the only course of action is to let her go through that process of maturation and emotional growth (likely more than a year) and NC on your end. Even then, it's hardly a guarantee. Oh I'm definitely not saying this will win her heart back but at least it will tip the scales a bit in his favor possibly. It's better than doing things on her time schedule. Btw, I'm sorry but I've been seeing the term "GIGS" a lot lately....... what does it mean? I'm a little behind on the loveshack lingo lately lol
Pod81 Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Oh I'm definitely not saying this will win her heart back but at least it will tip the scales a bit in his favor possibly. It's better than doing things on her time schedule. Btw, I'm sorry but I've been seeing the term "GIGS" a lot lately....... what does it mean? I'm a little behind on the loveshack lingo lately lol This is a long thread about GIGS (Grass is Greener Syndrome), but this explains it pretty well within the first few posts http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome Some people may think it's a load of horsesh*t, but I simply see it as a process of mental and emotional maturing that most younger people with little experience in life and love go through.
Sheppy99 Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 This is a long thread about GIGS (Grass is Greener Syndrome), but this explains it pretty well within the first few posts http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome Some people may think it's a load of horsesh*t, but I simply see it as a process of mental and emotional maturing that most younger people with little experience in life and love go through. Thanks man! GIGS, ha. I can see why that term is used so frequently around here cause it would come into play a lot with the younger more inexperienced crowd. GIGS may play a role in my ex relationship when my ex realizes how frigging good she had it with me.
Author steveblack Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 GIGS in my relationship is based on a major decision to be made and maybe not ready, for it , or unsure about it. Sheppy, I see what you are saying, but the power struggle isn't what I want. I totally see where you are saying, but that might be just as bad as emailing her. A month goes by, another month, the master plan didnt work!! ahhh. If it was 'oops' it slipped my mind' (in all actuality) then sure that makes sense. I just dont want to put another date in the future, that says email her today, and dwell on that new date.
Author steveblack Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 I was in a similar situation. Ex got the GIGS, we went on a break for a little more than a month, then broke up for good. About a few days later, I sent a final email saying that...I will always remember the good times we had together, that I couldn't be friends with her anytime in the near future because she needs to figure her sh*t out on her own and make her own mistakes, wished her luck that she would become the best person she could be, that it's best that we lead our own lives for now and maybe in the future, we'll cross paths again. Personally, it gave me closure even though she never responded. Not to mention that I felt it was the mature thing to do considering I didn't yell, point fingers, cry, beg, or plead about any reconciliation. I was already in the mindset that the email would be my absolute final contact with her for a long time so if you can feel the same way, it's not necessarily a bad idea despite everyone preaching immediate NC like it's gospel. I really think this is what I need. I mean she doesn't respond. Closure. Responds, closure. doesn't read it, closure. But for me, since it was a shock, i didn't have the time to critically think about it. I feel there are a lot of unsaid things (that will remain unsaid), but just some closure would be nice. How long were you dating? age?
Ruby65 Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Forget it. Let it go. If she ever WANTS to be in contact with you, she will. If she doesn't..... she's probably either forgotten about the promise to email, or she's been dreading it.
Sheppy99 Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Forget it. Let it go. If she ever WANTS to be in contact with you, she will. If she doesn't..... she's probably either forgotten about the promise to email, or she's been dreading it. I'm with Ruby here, I think you should just keep to your NC and make a decision if and when she contacts you first if you are going to reply back.... I still think there's a good chance she contacts you soon based on your 1 month agreement but you shouldn't go around relying on that either cause it will hurt your healing. I'm still in the early stages, Day 5 of NC, and I really believe she'll contact me at some point due to the fact that she's awful at getting over people as proven by her ex who she still hasn't moved on from. But parts of me think she may not because she is an extremely shy quiet girl so she may not have the self confidence to put herself out like that by contacting me first. Either way, I'm sticking with my NC and I think you should too
Pod81 Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 I really think this is what I need. I mean she doesn't respond. Closure. Responds, closure. doesn't read it, closure. But for me, since it was a shock, i didn't have the time to critically think about it. I feel there are a lot of unsaid things (that will remain unsaid), but just some closure would be nice. How long were you dating? age? We dated for 15 months, I'm 30, she's 23. All the signs pointed to her having GIGS: She's under 25, I was her first long-term boyfriend (previous longest relationship was 10 months on/off), lost her virginity to me, first person she said i love you to, admitted commitment-phobe, etc. How about you?
k100danny Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 I don't think emailing is always a bad thing if it's for the right reasons. I sent my kind of goodbye for now message before blocking her and i had also written her a letter previous to this which i sent. I never begged, i was a bit angry at points but never pleaded for her to come back, never once told her she was wrong ect and like many have i wished her luck and that she found what she was looking for in the future. The way I looked at it was, imagine you wrote a letter to a previous ex, not your latest one, imagine pretty much the same letter, would you feel stupid knowing you had sent that letter now to a previous ex? if you can say no then why not go for it. I don't regret anything I said in my letters and I still feel the same to this day, If she showed someone my letter I wouldn't be happy but i also think i would come across level headed and wouldn't be laughed at either.
Author steveblack Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 We dated for 15 months, I'm 30, she's 23. All the signs pointed to her having GIGS: She's under 25, I was her first long-term boyfriend (previous longest relationship was 10 months on/off), lost her virginity to me, first person she said i love you to, admitted commitment-phobe, etc. How about you? This was her first real relationship. She has had other bf, but not at the commitment level of our relationship. This is the first one that both of us talked about future and serious commitment. Commitment-phobe, questioning her own career, trust issues with past relationships. questioning her social life, physical abuse as a kid, friend very sick (fatal) in the hospital, questioning our future. A lot of stress in her life when she broke it off. A lot of questions she, i think, needed answers on her own. Felt that our relationship was causing her more stress, and not more support. (a day before the breakup, she said how I was the best bf, and how she nice that she can trust me blah blah etc) Out of all the things in her life that she can control, our relationship was the only one. So instead of working on things or relying on me in her time of need, she closed the door. GIGS in a way, but other things as well. Ruby. I am with you on this. when we last talked I asked ' so what do you want to do' . She responded 'i follow your lead, i dont know' I didn't know either, that is why the date was placed.
Recommended Posts