What were your Red Flags?

[blue_jay_bird]

1)With in three years of the relationship he said he couldn't see himself getting married to me. ( I thought this would change)

 

2) When he moved out with another girlfriend he didn't want me to move in.

 

3) He went to Europe without me.

 

4) I always was the one chasing him.

 

5) He began being critical of me ( "your not that strong", "you still work there", ext)

 

6) He was always "tired"

 

7) Sex life went down hill.

 

What were your red flags? cause im sure there are some i can't see

[steveblack]

Nothing. We went on a vacation to toronto for a weekend, she said it was the best vacations and she said i was the love of her life. Came back, got a little stress with multiple things (not related to me), said some harsh stuff that i never heard before and broke it off.

 

So nothing.

[Occu3.14'd]

My red flag was when she told me that she needed to end this to find herself.

[Sheppy99]

I'm with steve on this one, I had no red flags either. As potentially being the rebound guy I guess the moving so damn quick was a bit of a flag but I enjoyed immensely every moment I was with her and it didn't feel like we were moving fast cause of how much I was into her.

 

But some of the ones you mentioned are way past being red flags. More like speeding transport truck heading at you with the horn on.........

[Pod81]

After my BU, I reflected upon our relationship and counted 16 red flags that she had big-time commitment phobia. And foolishly, i thought I could have changed that about her...

[CopingGal]

There were too many to speak of. But the first one was that he stood me up and dumped me when we were supposed to have our second date. He ran into his ex girlfriend and got back with her.

 

Flash forward to months later when we got back together. He stood me up a lot because he was having car problems, but never bother to explain that to me until the day was over.

 

All the lies he told.

 

Wouldn't hold my hand in public.

 

I never met his friends.

 

He almost never called me on the weekends and never saw me on the weekends. He used being with his son as an excuse.

 

His philosophies on life where "If it doesn't affect me, why should I care?" and "While the cat's away the mice will play."

 

Him always bringing up other women- co-workers, ex-wife, ex-gfs in our conversations.

 

Just a few.

[Sheppy99]

There were too many to speak of. But the first one was that he stood me up and dumped me when we were supposed to have our second date. He ran into his ex girlfriend and got back with her.

 

Flash forward to months later when we got back together. He stood me up a lot because he was having car problems, but never bother to explain that to me until the day was over.

 

All the lies he told.

 

Wouldn't hold my hand in public.

 

I never met his friends.

 

He almost never called me on the weekends and never saw me on the weekends. He used being with his son as an excuse.

 

His philosophies on life where "If it doesn't affect me, why should I care?" and "While the cat's away the mice will play."

 

Him always bringing up other women- co-workers, ex-wife, ex-gfs in our conversations.

 

Just a few.

 

Gross........ he sounds like how I used to be in my early twenties lol, minus the having a kid part.

 

I then had one girl break my heart when I was 24 and for the last 5 years you've never met a more over the top nice, loving person. My current ex said I was the nicest most caring guy she's ever been with and she is so sorry she wasn't ready for a relationship.

 

What's funny is I found it easier to keep a relationship going when I was the ******* than now when I'm the nice guy.

 

Hence the term nice guys finish last oh well. I wouldn't change who I am now for anything. Relationships are so much more fulfilling not being the cocky self indulged a-hole.

[KatZee]

There were so many red flags I ignored, justified or made excuses for. The more I looked at the relationship objectively the more I realized I had been emotionally abused, disrespected, etc. It was a red flag from DAY ONE!

 

1. The way in which he got to know me. He was in a six year relationship when he started befriending me. He never told me. We went on to become friends, and he was having an emotional affair on his gf at the time.

 

2. He dropped his ex of that long like a pile of hot garbage to be with me. Dumped her over the phone and started with me like 1-2 weeks later. Claimed he was miserable with her for years, hadn't been in love for a while, stayed out of obligation.

 

**I did recognize this red flag and I asked me many times if he was ready to just jump into something with me, if he was over her, if he was OK with everything. And he said yes so many times, that I wasn't a rebound, it was genuine... so I proceeded.

 

3. His ex never went away for the first year we were together. She would show up to parties, places, events. I would notice her looking at him a certain way even though she would go through lengths to avoid him, not say hello or goodbye. I would always ask my bf... why is she here? Why does she continue showing up? He would always give me answers such as, "I have no idea why" or "These are her friends" (they were his first) MEANWHILE he also told me: "Some of my friends hate her, they think she's stupid" "My friends don't really like her they only tolerated her because I was with her" "She never hung out with them without me" and so on. So why she would continue being places never made sense to me.

 

4. About 4 months into our relationship, after inviting me with him to parties and around his friends ALL THE TIME, he stopped. I did some questioning and found out he was going out with his friends, and his EX... without me. I said something about it... and things went back to normal... so I didn't question this again.

 

5. He would show selfish tendencies all the time. If we went out to a bar, he would always ask me to drive. He'd never offer. He'd go and get blackout wasted, make a fool of himself, humiliate me, say disrespectful things, grope at me. At the end of the night he'd then bring all his friends around and be like, "do you mind driving my friends home?" Obviously he knows I wouldn't say no with them standing right there. This happened EVERY SINGLE TIME we went out. I once said, "How about you offer to drive, so I can drink and have a good time" and he laughed.

 

6. He only did things, hung out, when it was convenient for him. If he had work, or something to do, or if his friends got in touch with him, or if he didn't want to do what I wanted to do, he wouldn't. Everything and anything came before me and the relationship. I always wound up adjusting my schedule, making sacrifices, compromising, etc.

 

7. When he allowed his friends to disrespect me. They hated me from day one without even getting to know me. They held "loyalty" to his ex before me, so it didn't matter what I did, how nice I was, etc. They would all talk crap behind my back, make "bets" on how long it would take my bf to dump me, that they hated me. I would always find these things out and then when I told my bf, he lacked all empathy. He would say, "They're allowed to act like that because they've been around longer, everyone knows how they behave." "You need to bend over backwards to be extra nice to these people." "I didn't see or hear them say anything so...." "I hate drama I don't care to hear about any of this"

 

8. I went out with his girl friends for a "girls dinner" when all the guys were at a bachelor party. His ex was there. It was obviously awkward. At one point in the evening one other girl was saying very loudly to his ex... "you should tell her. you need to tell her." I went home and told my bf this. He then iced me out again for about a week.

 

9. When my bf finally got back in contact with me, it was telling me he wasn't happy with me, hadn't been happy, didn't think he wanted to be with me anymore. This led to me asking questions because before all of this, we basically never fought, he always looked at me with these loving eyes, brought me out everywhere, always spent time with me, he was epitome of "perfect boyfriend." He finally broke down sobbing saying that we had a problem. And that he cheated on me with his ex (That 4 month point I mentioned above. At this point we were together almost 2 years. He freaked out when I told him what the girls were saying at that dinner. He was never going to confess to cheating, but when he found out someone was about to tell me, he did first.)

 

10. I decided to stay with him and try to work on the relationship. This is when he started this trend of always ripping the rug out from under my feet every three months. He would act so affectionate, so lovey dovey, so caring, and then he would ignore me for days on end and then when I would call him up asking what the hell I had done to him to be iced out, he would go on and on about everything I did "wrong" and what he didn't like. He criticized me, my lifestyle, my behaviors, saying that I wasn't nice enough to his friends and wasn't outgoing and so super social (after everything they were doing to me?!?). Then after he went on and on about everything that was wrong with ME he would be like "phew I feel better! I don't want to throw out what we have, I love you." He'd go back to the loving version of himself to start making me feel secure, and then he'd rip the rug out again.

 

11. He felt it was OK to criticize me, but never took one ounce of responsibility for anything going on in the relationship. I was the one always trying, caring, sacrificing, supporting, adjusting my behavior, accommodating myself... FOR HIM. There was rarely, if ever, any give back. It was as if he just expected I do everything and anything for him.

 

12. When I told him what I needed to get past the cheating (talking about it, asking questions) he'd shut down, flat out say no, that he didn't want to talk about it, that it was done and over with, it was in the past. When I would have bad days (justifiably so!!) he would tell me he couldn't live this way, he couldn't handle my bad moods, and that things needed to change, or else. (or else the relationship was over). Cue the emotional manipulation.

 

13. He lied constantly. He lied about his ex, he lied about how he truly felt about things, he hid things, all to "not hurt me" or because he had "made a mistake" and he really did love me so there was no point telling me.

 

14. I realized how superficial our relationship was. We never communicated on a deeper level. After three years I couldn't tell you what his dreams are. What his wishes, likes, dislikes, wants, needs are. I found out these are traits of a narcissist. You never get close to them on a deeper level. I remember times when I tried, and he would pull back, and tell me I was "putting pressure on him" and he'd withdraw and ignore me for days.

 

15. He never showed any interest in my own life. If he asked me about my job, he'd just give one word responses. Again, found out this is a trait of a narcissist. He would go on and on about his job, sports, whatever was important to him and when I would start to talk about me, he'd go silent, one word answer, show literally NO interest. It was as if he learned social interaction from other people, and knew he HAD to ask about my life, but once that part was over, there was no need to continue on with the charade. This made conversations with him so painful. We never talked about anything. I remember once he told me that he hated when his ex would call and tell him about her day, and he said to me "ugh I hated when she called and went on and on about her job... i didn't care to hear about any of it at all!" narcissist.

 

16. Everything was always my fault. If we had a fight or problems, it was because of something I had done. Even if what I had "done" was simply express a reaction to what he had done to me to provoke that reaction, it was still my fault. He would justify his behavior to me, telling me that he only acted that way because of something I HAD done.

 

I guess I can really sit here all day long with the list of red flags I ignored. I made excuses up and down for him, started fights with my mother when she pointed things out, I loved him and I truly believed it wasn't working because of me. He really knocked me down to that level. I had no confidence, no self esteem, I was always walking on eggshells to make sure I wouldn't act a certain way, or say a certain thing to make him ignore me for days. I was always full of anxiety.

 

Ugh.

Edited July 25, 2012 by KatZee

[jmjacobs31]

I have a million

Doesn't believe in marriage

Doesn't believe in counseling

Didn't say happy birthday to me one year because oUr roommate said it first and ruined it.

Lied to me about small stuff

Said he would breakup with me if I got fat

Won't donate his clothes to thrift stores because he doesn't like the type of people that shop there

Said he would break up with me if he found out that I slept with a African American

Worked 60-80hrs a week

Is an alcoholic

 

I have a list of 160+ things that I didn't like about our relationship that I read when I am missing him..

[k100danny]

There were a few in my relationship that i chose to ignore.

 

1. she had broken up with a boyfriend of 3-4 years maybe 3-4 months previous

 

2. my friends told me she was mental but failed to elaborate

 

3. we had been on two dates and the 3rd time i went to meet her with a friend after they had been on a night out and i wanted to go back home she called me on the way home and swore at me, shouted at me ect (i'd met her twice previous) she then appologised and said it was because she was drunk

 

4. very jealous and possesive, even early on she was jealous of not only female friends but of some of my family, my younger cousins who i am very close with and treat like my own kids, spoil them ect as i don't have my own.

 

5. she had told me she wanted to and planned to go travelling this should have been a red flag as i knew if she planned to leave it couldnt really go the distance

 

6. would act out and try to get her own way a lot of the time and even try to make me jealous on occasions.

 

7. tried to change me quite a lot and never seemed happy

 

there are probably too many to list really, it wasn't all doom and gloom and i do miss her but i know it's for the best.

[Coffee20]

I have to admit that huge part in this relationship played my little self worth and my low confidence - if I had these two things I highly doubt I would ever been with this man.

 

1) First 5 or more dates he talked about girls he would like to be with, or about his ex

2) He lied to me at the beginning where he was, who he spent time with or what he did, his lies continued through our whole relationship

3) He preferred his girl - friends to me

4) I was the one who chased him he never did

5) He promised me a lot of things and then broke them

6) He never introduced me to his friends and never take me to have fun with them

7) He was constantly jealous

8) Called me maybe 6 times during our whole relationship

9) Planned all holiday without me

10) Also planned to leave this country (and I was not involved)

11) He tried to turn some of his mistakes to be mine and also tried to convince me my friends are bad

12) He didn't sleep with me, or enjoyed to be intimate

13) Didn't want to communicate with me after fights or about our problems

14) Sometimes he ignored me or put me verbally down

15) He wasn't interested in my hobbies at all, never asked me about them and called them boring

16) When we broke up he told me everything was my fault and called my best friend a bitch

 

But I have to agree I did mistakes too.

Edited July 25, 2012 by Coffee20

[CopingGal]

Gross........ he sounds like how I used to be in my early twenties lol, minus the having a kid part.

 

I then had one girl break my heart when I was 24 and for the last 5 years you've never met a more over the top nice, loving person. My current ex said I was the nicest most caring guy she's ever been with and she is so sorry she wasn't ready for a relationship.

 

What's funny is I found it easier to keep a relationship going when I was the ******* than now when I'm the nice guy.

 

Hence the term nice guys finish last oh well. I wouldn't change who I am now for anything. Relationships are so much more fulfilling not being the cocky self indulged a-hole.

 

My ex is in his 40's. When I met him he was 39. He is very, very immature to the point that it's abnormal. I'm glad I dumped him. He has a very difficult time telling the difference between lies and truth.

[CopingGal]

I have to admit that huge part in this relationship played my little self worth and my low confidence - if I had these two things I highly doubt I would ever been with this man.

 

1) First 5 or more dates he talked about girls he would like to be with, or about his ex

2) He lied to me at the beginning where he was, who he spent time with or what he did, his lies continued through our whole relationship

3) He preferred his girl - friends to me

4) I was the one who chased him he never did

5) He promised me a lot of things and then broke them

6) He never introduced me to his friends and never take me to have fun with them

7) He was constantly jealous

8) Called me maybe 6 times during our whole relationship

9) Planned all holiday without me

10) Also planned to leave this country (and I was not involved)

11) He tried to turn some of his mistakes to be mine and also tried to convince me my friends are bad

12) He didn't sleep with me, or enjoyed to be intimate

13) Didn't want to communicate with me after fights or about our problems

14) Sometimes he ignored me or put me verbally down

15) He wasn't interested in my hobbies at all, never asked me about them and called them boring

16) When we broke up he told me everything was my fault and called my best friend a bitch

 

But I have to agree I did mistakes too.

 

Coffee, you are a LUCKY woman for getting out of that relationship. Hurray for us!

[g450]

There was a similar thread a while back but Ill bite.

 

Too many to list here and sadly I was so blind that I ignored almost all of them except the obviouse ones.

 

Password protected her laptop, email and FB page.

 

Had her cellphone with her 24/7. Would freak if I looked at it.

 

Moved into the spare bedroom because I snored.

 

Late night phone conversations with old friends.

 

Started working later and later and doing volunteer work on top of that.

 

Hung out more and more with her bitter divorced middle aged friends.

 

All but completely shut off sex. And when we did have sex it was always her way or not at all.

 

Constantly emasculated me.

 

Was critical of everything I did. And I mean everything.

 

Was pissed and insulted that I wanted to go with her to her HS reunion. Her EA and possible PA was there Im sure. She stayed out until 4am and told my Son she was just with friends.

 

Stopped saying ILY completely unless I said it first and then only said it reluctantly like she really didnt mean it.

 

Started reliving the 70's and contacting all her old HS friends. Including boyfriends.

 

Acted like she was embearased of me in public. She wouldnt dare invite me to her little get togethers and pushed me away in public if I showed her any public affection at all.

 

Refused to talk about any issues we had. Especially when it came to her lack of sexual desire.

 

Didnt really find the smoking gun until after we were divorced and quit by accident. Kept asking her if there was another man. Bitch lied through her teeth. She had been talking to her old HS lover for months if not years before she dropped the bomb.

 

Looking back, she probably did me a favor divorcing me.

[k100danny]

don't most people have a password on their facebook and email accounts? I wouldn't take this a a red flag more of a trust issue but the other things you have said are certainly red flags, we tend to see them as pink flags and they only become red afterwards. We can't beat ourselves up about it.

[fetish1980]

my ex would say things like:

 

1) You've been going on all these interviews and you haven't found a better job yet? It's been X amount of years. Why aren't you getting hired? What's the problem?

 

*Note: She would say this while i was trying my best to find a better job, going on interviews and already discouraged enough.

 

2) The man is supposed to provide everything.

my ex did things like:

1) Storm out of the house during an argument

2) Wouldn't talk (outside of a shouting match)

3) Always overdrafting her account

4) Wouldn't pay her bills

5) Gambling

6) Lie about going somewhere but really be at the casino:p

Edited July 26, 2012 by fetish1980

[g450]

don't most people have a password on their facebook and email accounts? I wouldn't take this a a red flag more of a trust issue but the other things you have said are certainly red flags, we tend to see them as pink flags and they only become red afterwards. We can't beat ourselves up about it.

 

You dont understand. I knew the passwords to all that stuff because I was her husband and I set them up for her. She changed them because she claimed she wanted her privacy from me.

 

Her laptop never left home and had no fianancial info on it at all. It was a farce. It never needed a password to begin with.

 

The real red flag was that she was never concerned about passwords until right before she left. That was when I knew something was up.

[g450]

my ex would say things like:

 

1) You've been going on all these interviews and you haven't found a better job yet? It's been X amount of years. Why aren't you getting hired? What's the problem?

 

*Note: She would say this while i was trying my best to find a better job, going on interviews and already discouraged enough.

 

2) The man is supposed to provide everything.

 

my ex did things like:

 

1) Storm out of the house during an argument

2) Wouldn't talk (outside of a shouting match)

3) Always overdrafting her account

4) Wouldn't pay her bills

5) Gambling

6) Lie about going somewhere but really be at the casino:p

 

No offense Fetish but if my current wife took years to find a job, our marriage would also be in trouble. Years? Seriously? I would have already filed for divorce if my SO could not pull her share of the weight.

 

OTOH it sounds like you do work though correct? What was wrong with your current job? Didnt pay the bills?

 

I tend to be old fashioned and believe that the man should be the breadwinner in a marriage. But in this economy it really does take two incomes to make a decent life unless you are content to live paycheck to paycheck and never getting ahead in life.

[jmjacobs31]

Said he didn't believe in marriage

Said he didn't believe in counseling or depression

Won't donate his clothes, throws them in the trash instead

Heavy drinker

Liar

So many more......

[Sugarkane]

Minus stringing the ex along (ego boost) the entire relationship, the rest sounds exactly what my Ahole ex did to me.

There were so many red flags I ignored, justified or made excuses for. The more I looked at the relationship objectively the more I realized I had been emotionally abused, disrespected, etc. It was a red flag from DAY ONE!

 

1. The way in which he got to know me. He was in a six year relationship when he started befriending me. He never told me. We went on to become friends, and he was having an emotional affair on his gf at the time.

 

2. He dropped his ex of that long like a pile of hot garbage to be with me. Dumped her over the phone and started with me like 1-2 weeks later. Claimed he was miserable with her for years, hadn't been in love for a while, stayed out of obligation.

 

**I did recognize this red flag and I asked me many times if he was ready to just jump into something with me, if he was over her, if he was OK with everything. And he said yes so many times, that I wasn't a rebound, it was genuine... so I proceeded.

 

3. His ex never went away for the first year we were together. She would show up to parties, places, events. I would notice her looking at him a certain way even though she would go through lengths to avoid him, not say hello or goodbye. I would always ask my bf... why is she here? Why does she continue showing up? He would always give me answers such as, "I have no idea why" or "These are her friends" (they were his first) MEANWHILE he also told me: "Some of my friends hate her, they think she's stupid" "My friends don't really like her they only tolerated her because I was with her" "She never hung out with them without me" and so on. So why she would continue being places never made sense to me.

 

4. About 4 months into our relationship, after inviting me with him to parties and around his friends ALL THE TIME, he stopped. I did some questioning and found out he was going out with his friends, and his EX... without me. I said something about it... and things went back to normal... so I didn't question this again.

 

5. He would show selfish tendencies all the time. If we went out to a bar, he would always ask me to drive. He'd never offer. He'd go and get blackout wasted, make a fool of himself, humiliate me, say disrespectful things, grope at me. At the end of the night he'd then bring all his friends around and be like, "do you mind driving my friends home?" Obviously he knows I wouldn't say no with them standing right there. This happened EVERY SINGLE TIME we went out. I once said, "How about you offer to drive, so I can drink and have a good time" and he laughed.

 

6. He only did things, hung out, when it was convenient for him. If he had work, or something to do, or if his friends got in touch with him, or if he didn't want to do what I wanted to do, he wouldn't. Everything and anything came before me and the relationship. I always wound up adjusting my schedule, making sacrifices, compromising, etc.

 

7. When he allowed his friends to disrespect me. They hated me from day one without even getting to know me. They held "loyalty" to his ex before me, so it didn't matter what I did, how nice I was, etc. They would all talk crap behind my back, make "bets" on how long it would take my bf to dump me, that they hated me. I would always find these things out and then when I told my bf, he lacked all empathy. He would say, "They're allowed to act like that because they've been around longer, everyone knows how they behave." "You need to bend over backwards to be extra nice to these people." "I didn't see or hear them say anything so...." "I hate drama I don't care to hear about any of this"

 

8. I went out with his girl friends for a "girls dinner" when all the guys were at a bachelor party. His ex was there. It was obviously awkward. At one point in the evening one other girl was saying very loudly to his ex... "you should tell her. you need to tell her." I went home and told my bf this. He then iced me out again for about a week.

 

9. When my bf finally got back in contact with me, it was telling me he wasn't happy with me, hadn't been happy, didn't think he wanted to be with me anymore. This led to me asking questions because before all of this, we basically never fought, he always looked at me with these loving eyes, brought me out everywhere, always spent time with me, he was epitome of "perfect boyfriend." He finally broke down sobbing saying that we had a problem. And that he cheated on me with his ex (That 4 month point I mentioned above. At this point we were together almost 2 years. He freaked out when I told him what the girls were saying at that dinner. He was never going to confess to cheating, but when he found out someone was about to tell me, he did first.)

 

10. I decided to stay with him and try to work on the relationship. This is when he started this trend of always ripping the rug out from under my feet every three months. He would act so affectionate, so lovey dovey, so caring, and then he would ignore me for days on end and then when I would call him up asking what the hell I had done to him to be iced out, he would go on and on about everything I did "wrong" and what he didn't like. He criticized me, my lifestyle, my behaviors, saying that I wasn't nice enough to his friends and wasn't outgoing and so super social (after everything they were doing to me?!?). Then after he went on and on about everything that was wrong with ME he would be like "phew I feel better! I don't want to throw out what we have, I love you." He'd go back to the loving version of himself to start making me feel secure, and then he'd rip the rug out again.

 

11. He felt it was OK to criticize me, but never took one ounce of responsibility for anything going on in the relationship. I was the one always trying, caring, sacrificing, supporting, adjusting my behavior, accommodating myself... FOR HIM. There was rarely, if ever, any give back. It was as if he just expected I do everything and anything for him.

 

12. When I told him what I needed to get past the cheating (talking about it, asking questions) he'd shut down, flat out say no, that he didn't want to talk about it, that it was done and over with, it was in the past. When I would have bad days (justifiably so!!) he would tell me he couldn't live this way, he couldn't handle my bad moods, and that things needed to change, or else. (or else the relationship was over). Cue the emotional manipulation.

 

13. He lied constantly. He lied about his ex, he lied about how he truly felt about things, he hid things, all to "not hurt me" or because he had "made a mistake" and he really did love me so there was no point telling me.

 

14. I realized how superficial our relationship was. We never communicated on a deeper level. After three years I couldn't tell you what his dreams are. What his wishes, likes, dislikes, wants, needs are. I found out these are traits of a narcissist. You never get close to them on a deeper level. I remember times when I tried, and he would pull back, and tell me I was "putting pressure on him" and he'd withdraw and ignore me for days.

 

15. He never showed any interest in my own life. If he asked me about my job, he'd just give one word responses. Again, found out this is a trait of a narcissist. He would go on and on about his job, sports, whatever was important to him and when I would start to talk about me, he'd go silent, one word answer, show literally NO interest. It was as if he learned social interaction from other people, and knew he HAD to ask about my life, but once that part was over, there was no need to continue on with the charade. This made conversations with him so painful. We never talked about anything. I remember once he told me that he hated when his ex would call and tell him about her day, and he said to me "ugh I hated when she called and went on and on about her job... i didn't care to hear about any of it at all!" narcissist.

 

16. Everything was always my fault. If we had a fight or problems, it was because of something I had done. Even if what I had "done" was simply express a reaction to what he had done to me to provoke that reaction, it was still my fault. He would justify his behavior to me, telling me that he only acted that way because of something I HAD done.

 

I guess I can really sit here all day long with the list of red flags I ignored. I made excuses up and down for him, started fights with my mother when she pointed things out, I loved him and I truly believed it wasn't working because of me. He really knocked me down to that level. I had no confidence, no self esteem, I was always walking on eggshells to make sure I wouldn't act a certain way, or say a certain thing to make him ignore me for days. I was always full of anxiety.

 

Ugh.

[Sugarkane]

Said he didn't believe in marriage

Said he didn't believe in counseling or depression

Won't donate his clothes, throws them in the trash instead

Heavy drinker

Liar

So many more......

 

Sounds exactly like mine too.

[Floored]

There was a similar thread a while back but Ill bite.

 

Too many to list here and sadly I was so blind that I ignored almost all of them except the obviouse ones.

 

Password protected her laptop, email and FB page.

 

Had her cellphone with her 24/7. Would freak if I looked at it.

 

Moved into the spare bedroom because I snored.

 

Late night phone conversations with old friends.

 

Started working later and later and doing volunteer work on top of that.

 

Hung out more and more with her bitter divorced middle aged friends.

 

All but completely shut off sex. And when we did have sex it was always her way or not at all.

 

Constantly emasculated me.

 

Was critical of everything I did. And I mean everything.

 

Was pissed and insulted that I wanted to go with her to her HS reunion. Her EA and possible PA was there Im sure. She stayed out until 4am and told my Son she was just with friends.

 

Stopped saying ILY completely unless I said it first and then only said it reluctantly like she really didnt mean it.

 

Started reliving the 70's and contacting all her old HS friends. Including boyfriends.

 

Acted like she was embearased of me in public. She wouldnt dare invite me to her little get togethers and pushed me away in public if I showed her any public affection at all.

 

Refused to talk about any issues we had. Especially when it came to her lack of sexual desire.

 

Didnt really find the smoking gun until after we were divorced and quit by accident. Kept asking her if there was another man. Bitch lied through her teeth. She had been talking to her old HS lover for months if not years before she dropped the bomb.

 

Looking back, she probably did me a favor divorcing me.

 

Jeez man, sounds like your ex and my ex would get along swimmingly, and not just because of the crap they pulled. There was an actual inflection point where my ex started regressing in maturity and embraccing stupid, wild, teenaged * and I was being the party pooper by saying it. I get that people need that wild streak- and God knows I've embarrassed myself enough for ten lifetimes- but when it interferes with responsibilities and relationships, it's a problem. Reading this, I'm encouraged that she didn't give me a chance to propose or have kids. I hate the mess I'm in, but I can't imagine the one you had to wade through.

 

And just like danny said, I did flag these problems, but put a lower priority on them than I should have.

-Partied every weekend for three months, I cancelled get-away plans twice because I found out that the 'girls are hitting the bars, that lab practical just took too much out of me'. (I justified it as blowing off end-of-school steam, guess I save some money then..)

-Would not only let dudes buy her drinks at bars, but actively sought this out and took freaking pictures with them and exchanged numbers (I'm not proud to say how I found this out, but I'm also sad to also say that it was buried deep enough to the point where she knew she was being inappropriate) and said I was too insecure when I expressed my concern. Nothing did happen with any of the guys and none of the numbers were used, but merely using and abusing poor saps at the bars should have been a huge clue that maybe those weren't the only dudes being used.

[g450]

Yeah Floored, same thing.

 

My XW regressed into a 55 year old teenager. She would stay on the phone with her friends for hours giggling like a school girl. She was literally 18 years old again. At least in her mind. All the while my world was falling apart while I had to listen to that crap. Finally getting her out of my house was a Godsend for me. I KNOW I would have done something incredibly stupid if it continued for another week beyond my sanity level.

[mike588]

She told me she still had feelings for her ex. (She went back to him.)

 

I gave so much...she gave so little.

 

The relationship was all about her and her needs/wants.

 

It's been a year now and when I look back on it I think ....what the hell was I thinking?

 

Never again!

Edited July 27, 2012 by mike588

[fetish1980]

No offense Fetish but if my current wife took years to find a job, our marriage would also be in trouble. Years?

 

Yes g4... Years!!!

 

And no offense taken because you don't know the whole story. It's not like i had a bad job, it just wasn't a job that could support her and me like she wanted. I got that job right out of college and it wasn't even 30K. It was enough to support myself and pay for us during date nights and such, but I would be the one who paid for things the majority of the time.

 

We had our own separate places throughout most of the relationship, and when the economy went down from 2007-2010, it made it even more difficult.

 

And if I couldn't find a better job, how would that be my fault? I live in a big ,metropolitan area of more than 6 million people. It's very competitive.

 

fetish