Silly_Girl Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 I can not remember ever loving my mother. Being a narcissist she made my childhood hell. I still maintain that babies and children love their family until they are taught not to.
Got it Posted July 27, 2012 Posted July 27, 2012 I still maintain that babies and children love their family until they are taught not to. First off, I don't think it is hard for us to love many people so by default due to ones development and need to survive based by those around you whom are taking care of you, attaching oneself to those individuals makes good sense. A child loves their parent based on the need to survive and the behaviors of said parent. But it does not mean that it is unconditional. Unconditional means that there are no conditions in which you would stop X behavior. That is just not realistic. Romantic love, based on the pure nature of it is not unconditional. The only person I want to love without conditions is myself.
Radagast Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 I still maintain that babies and children love their family until they are taught not to. Babies and children do not "love" until taught not to. They learn love the same way they learn other things. Babies are not born able to love, because babies do not distinguish between themselves and their mothers, or the outside world, initially. They learn with time and experience that they are separate from the world, and separate from the mother (specifically, the mother's breast which feeds them) and at that point they start to form positive and negative attachments toward those "others". And because infants are not initially able to tolerate mixed or nuanced feelings towards the same person, they "split" them, the "good mother" (the breast that feeds them, the mother who holds them, rocks them, comforts them, etc) and the "bad mother" who denies them instant relief by "withholding" the breast and not feeding them the instant they are hungry, or who doesn't instantly know what's wrong when they're crying to relieve it, etc as well as of course any negative experiences, such as a frustrated mother shouting at a crying baby to stop crying. This process is well documented in developmental psychology. Babies learn to love or learn to fear or learn to hate others. Most babies have at least some positive experiences and so learn to love their parents as well as learning to "hate" or dislike them insofar as there will always be shortcomings, from the infant's side, on the perfect provision. Over time these responses become more sophisticated and also shaped by cultural and societal expectations (that we "love" our parents, for example) and so most young children will profess love for their parents. Children who have been neglected or abused from infancy often experience deep conflict, with societal expectations for them to "love" their parents (if the abuse or neglect is hidden) especially if this is also demanded from the parents, and their own experience of the neglect or abuse. The link to mental illnesses of various sorts are also well documented.
Silly_Girl Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 Taught by being treated badly then? My mother saw me as a rival, someone who was competing for my father's attention. She told me this recently. I got the impression this was something that started at my birth. Yes, that's what I meant. By abuse/similar. And I bet, given your mum's mental state, that it would start at birth for her. Or before, even, if your dad was showing 'too much' interest in you. 1
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