RiverRunning Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Let me preface this: I'm not money hungry. I don't sit around and make my boyfriend do everything or pay for everything. I'd say I pay around half of our bills and other expenses despite making just under half of what he does (personal pride thing). I do all of the cooking. We split the costs of going out...I probably pay just under half the time. Sue me. We had a split for a while. Collectively, we've been together for about four years. He's pretty darn well off and saves at least $1500 a month (often even more than that). My propensity for saving is much lower - I'm lucky to tuck away $100 a month. We've spent one day traveling. About once or twice a year, we drive about an hour away to visit some of my relatives for a day or two. We don't do any sight-seeing - really, there isn't much to see - and then we head home. We spent one day in Washington, D.C. His sister was living around there at the time...so she was enlisted as our tour guide for the day. It was a bit of a let - down to not even have a day to ourselves to travel and explore. Beyond that, we did spend a few hours at the battlefield in Manassas, VA (also cool). But that was more than 3 years ago. That's the only traveling we have ever done. We spent like 10 hours driving down to his sister's place, then more or less hung out in her living room while she went about her business for the day for nearly a week. Besides the day in D.C. and the few hours in Manassas...we've not really traveled. Not even a two hours' drive to some nice cabins and the like on the lake around here. Money isn't the issue and I'm more than willing to foot the bill or at least pay for half. He claims to hate traveling. I try not to get angry about that, but I know that he drove to Connecticut - at least 7 hours from where we live - at least 3 or 4 times to visit a long-distance girlfriend. He drove to Wisconsin, about 6 hours away, to visit another long-distance girlfriend, multiple times. He went to New York with one of the exes. They certainly weren't just sitting on couches - they were sight-seeing. Part of me starts to wonder - what, did his sense of adventure die when he met me or something? (A little facetious with that one. It is upsetting that our lives are so routine). I would never bring up - to him - the traveling to see his ex-girlfriends bit. But I do think it's relevant. I've brought it up to him over the years - I've looked up cabins near here, little weekend getaways - most of it is turned down or I get a noncommittal, "We'll look into it." But nothing ever comes of it. He'll even get kind of abrasive with me about it as though I've asked him to open his wallet and dump out wads of cash. He has the money. I have the money. I've explained to him several times that we can split the cost or I could even pay for the whole thing. Given my cash-strapped state, I'm not fond of footing an entire vacation myself, but at this point I'd do just about anything. We are getting married in a civil service (please note that I'm complaining about one aspect of our relationship. This doesn't mean I hate him/our relationship is obviously doomed) within the next few months. Honeymoons have come up. He says he wants to go one one...and yet he puts in absolutely no effort in researching them. None. I ask him if he wants to go to a certain place and I usually get a "That's okay" or a "No." When cost comes up...WOW. I am paying for at least half of the wedding and plan to pay for at least half of the Honeymoon. Again, just stressing that I'm not getting a free ride so I don't have to defend myself against those kinds of accusations. But when the cost comes up, he'll start complaining about how expensive it is. He seems more content with doing something very low-key. For a while, I was okay with this... ...Until I realized that if I decide we should just fly down to Florida or something, this may well be the one and only vacation that we ever take. Whether it's because of money or just because he...well...hates traveling, I guess, the cold, hard reality is that my Honeymoon might be the only time I get to travel ever again. We don't even really do romantic nights away together. A long while back, he took me to a nice hotel for one night for my birthday. It was fun, don't get me wrong! But that's...a once every year-or-two sort of thing. Even if I foot the entire bill for the Honeymoon or any vacation we take hereafter, I'll just wind up being out of the money or going on a vacation by myself if he's just not that into it. If he's not willing to put some forward motion into a vacation or Honeymoon...I just feel like I'm wasting my time and energy. So...what to do? Do I just book all the vacations I want myself, let him know the date and see if he wants to tag along? I'm really running out of ideas here. Got jealous today because we were in a store and two clerks were talking. Apparently, the one girl's boyfriend was taking her to New York and then they were going to Florida the next year for a romantic get-away. I stood there thinking, our big romantic date was touring D.C. with his bitch-sister in tow. Heh heh heh. Oh well. Let 'em fly. Any advice?
ShhhhugaMagnolia Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 I think if travelling is a big passion of yours, do it with out him if you need to. Find friends to go with instead. Though you probably should discuss how it is important to you and would like to make those memories with HIM and not others. A relationship shouldnt hold you back from the things you love.
CarrieT Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 I was with a man for twelve years who had no ambition to travel and only went to the U.K. (from the States) when I bought us tickets as a graduation present to myself. Some people don't care about traveling. The man I dated after that took me to twelve countries in 2 1/2 years - pity that relationship imploded but it re-awakened in me the fact that I love to travel and have not let any subsequent relationships stop that passion. You need to talk to him about it; if it is important to you, you need to state as such as soon as possible or you will forever resent the fact that "he kept you from going anywhere."
serial muse Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 You need to talk to him about it; if it is important to you, you need to state as such as soon as possible or you will forever resent the fact that "he kept you from going anywhere." This is really key. I get the sense from your OP - and I apologize if I'm wrong - that what you really want is for him to want to travel, to want to share your enthusiasm and (ye gods!) even do some of the planning. The reality is that that might never happen, and wishing for that to change might be setting yourself up for disappointment. But what could happen, if you're willing to accept this as a compromise, is that, if you sit him down and make it clear that this is very important to you, that you're not asking him to pay for a big expensive trip but that you really enjoy the experience of going to a new place, and you want to do it with him - well, he might be willing to go along with it, even if he's not going to take the lead on it. That could very well mean that you have to do all the legwork (at least initially) - choose a destination that you think you'll both ultimately enjoy, figure out accommodations, and plan activities. He might just be along for the ride. It's not clear from your post why he's loathe to travel - it may be that he hates the planning, or there are things he associates with traveling (discomforts of various types, long car trips, lack of sleep, whatever). So perhaps you can demonstrate that these things are not necessarily givens; there are a lot of different ways to travel and explore new places. Traveling well is a bit of an art, and it sounds like (for whatever reason) it's not something he's particularly excited about. But that doesn't mean he wouldn't enjoy himself once it's planned for him. I wouldn't read too much into the long-distance girlfriend thing, either - if he spent a significant amount of time traveling to see these people, that might actually have something to do with why he doesn't associate travel with fun. Anyway, since you're getting married, I really hope you would feel comfortable raising this with him. It's clearly important to you on some level, and he should be able to hear that and figure out a way to work this out with you so you can go exploring together.
Emilia Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 (A little facetious with that one. It is upsetting that our lives are so routine). Your life with him is already boring and you are not even married yet? Why are you getting married exactly? What's your sex life like (not in detail, just in general)? Try to shake things up a bit, talk to him and tell him how important some variety is for staying together forever. Otherwise you will get sick of each other within 5 years
Emilia Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Why are you so fixated on paying half for everything? Your entire post constantly mentions that you "pay half." I can't imagine living with any guy who demands that I pay half for everything. The guy sounds cheap and stingy. Are you sure you want to marry him? Yuck. I think she doesn't want to come across a freeloader
Author RiverRunning Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 I think she doesn't want to come across a freeloader Exactly that. He's never made demands that I pay half - he'll often ask if I'm "okay" with money if I offer to pay for something. He's told me multitudes of times that he's okay with me not paying for that much. But I've been around here long enough to know that most conversations usually go like this: "OMG, he doesn't want to travel because HE will have to pay for EVERYTHING you freeloading bitch!" "MAYBE PAY FOR SOME OF THAT $30K WEDDING YOU'RE FORCING HIM TO HAVE?" (cough, $4k) So mentioning what I pay for was an attempt to squash that before it could even get started. I understand where that stereotype comes from. I'm willing to put in work and money to make something happen. I'll emphasize again that this is really the only aspect of our relationship that is irritating. I'm happy in all other areas. I'm not bored, I'm not miserable. Our lives are routine - I'm okay with a fair amount of routine. It's comfortable - but we need something to break it up here and there. We've already been together for four years through this stuff. I'm not sitting daily brooding about it, being miserable. But every then and again something comes up and it occurs to me that we could be having more fun than we are. He's said in the past that he really enjoys getting out and traveling once we're out, but that he hates planning for things. There's talk that we may go and visit his sister, who now lives in another state on the East Coast. I suggested visiting with her a few days, then maybe spending a day or two off on our own. He came back with, "I know! She could be our tour guide!" -_-' It's not that all of this hasn't come up before, including how much I would enjoy going out and doing something. I think all of it's hitting a bit hard now that we're getting married, he's saving up for a house (mind you, he already has a 20% down payment) and we're (questionably?) planning for a Honeymoon. Many of my friends are now paired-up, so going on vacations with them would almost certainly involve bringing their boyfriends/girlfriends along. But that is a good suggestion - still having fun even if he's not up for going out. But like someone else said (sorry guys, I can't keep it all straight) - some of the fun in traveling is in experiencing it with my partner. I figure maybe I should start out light. It's been a long time, obviously, since either of us have done anything. Maybe get a cabin for a few days or something within a few hours' drive. Warm him up to it a little bit. Then, maybe as time goes on, we'll move onto other things. I think I'm going to have to be the initiator in regards to all of that in the relationship. I wish it were more something that we could both work on together, but as far as problems in relationships go, this isn't that big of one.
serial muse Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 I think I'm going to have to be the initiator in regards to all of that in the relationship. I wish it were more something that we could both work on together, but as far as problems in relationships go, this isn't that big of one. Yep, this is pretty much what I was saying. I understand that wish - but you can just ask yourself what your priority is in the situation: to travel with him, or to get him to want to travel/plan. One of those is more likely than the other. It's not a terrible compromise to be willing to do the planning in order to get what you really want - to have the travel experience together.
Recommended Posts