Pinkcow Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 (edited) Hi Everyone, I have a predicament, and I’m hoping for some help, - opinions and advice. And I’m willing to hear it, if I need to make changes I want to know that so I can I will try and keep it as short as possible with as much detail as I can... The relationship I am 21 years old. I met Jay (30 years old) online, we talked for a bit and then He emailed and said he would be in my town after the weekend, and asked me to dinner. He lives 6 hours drive away. We take turns and visit each other. We really love each other. I want nothing more than to make him happy, like he makes me. He treats me like a princess.. He doesn’t think so, but Im just showered with love all the time. =) Me My parents had an ugly divorce when I was 6 that dragged on for years and I hardly had contact with my real mum. My step mum and dad had more kids whom she favoured (she has admitted this). She took a disliking to me as I was dads little girl, until the point dad didn’t talk to me much because it would anger her. I was put on antidepressants at 17 and then she threw them away I got married at 18. We separated in December 2011 with nearly 3 years of marriage, I tried very hard with this marriage but my husband had a drinking problem and started to abuse me physically- chocking, hitting, kicking. He told me I was not attractive and stopped being intimate with me. This happened after 6 months of marriage, I really tried hard, but he refused to get help. Him Jay got his girlfriend Lucy pregnant when they were both 14. They had two kids and got married at 18. They remained married until last year when she started cheating on him with a younger guy. Jay has been obese for the majority of his life, and in the 18 months has had lap band surgery and lost significant weight. Im a bit surprised that when he lost the weight she then cheated? She went to uni and he said he did lots at home as well as working, and then she got work unrelated to her degree, and continued to not do stuff around the house, and he felt unappreciated. She started flying to Brisbane regularly to have her affair. They separated Dec 2011, and he moved out. She moved her boyfriend in, and Jay finally cracked the ****s and moved BACK into the house, because he was sick of paying for everything when he didn’t get to live there. Strangely they have all been living like this for some months now, Jay, Lucy and her toyboy, and the kids 14 and 15. A week before Jay and I met Lucy asked him back. But he said no, and then we met. NOW Pretty much since I’ve met Jay, he has started to kick things into gear. He didn’t separate the bank accounts until the last month or so, and she had a tantrum that that money source was cut. He pays her substantial money for the kids etc. I met her a few weeks ago. He tells me all the time how they are still friends – which I kind of understanding considering they have known each other so long and have kids together... Apparently before meeting me she was asking if I would be ‘awkward’ with her. I don’t know what that means; i have no intention of creating drama? I asked Jay how much she would be in our lives. He assured me not much, just to do with the kids, which is fair enough. Jay and I have talked, and Im purely his girlfriend- for anyone who is wondering. Im not trying to be a step mum. The kids have their mum. So apart from accepting them in my life and helping out if they need I have no ‘responsibilities’. His kids like me, his daughter likes me alot, his son has the same reading taste as me so ive lent him some novels So when I met Lucy, Jay asked me to come into the lounge and meet her, (this is when she still lived there) I had brought my puppy up. I came out, expecting a bit of an introduction... She walked past me, out of the room. I was confused. She came back in, i was standing next to Jay, and she directed her question to him- ‘Whos dog is that’, So I said ‘oh mine’ And she said ‘oh yours.’ And then she left the room again This had me completely baffled.... That weekend she sent Jay to get her and her boyfriend coke from McDonalds. And got us to run all the errands for the kids, and kept calling him to see where he was. THE RECENT PROBLEM Last week Jay told me that Lucy had bought a house around the block, and was moving out, and that her birthday was on Sunday. He said we had to go. I asked why we had to go, and then he said we didn’t. He then asked if I wanted to. I said I was not really comfortable going to his ex’s birthday dinner, she wasn’t really pleasant to me, Im not her friend, and its my last few hours with him that weekend, I don’t want to spend it with her... He got upset at me saying I knew they were friends. I felt really bad and said he could go, and I would just leave early, I wasn’t going to the party. I went to bed and by mid morning the next day he had thought about it, and called Lucy to tell her that now she has moved out, apart from events involving the kids, they would not be hanging out any more. I was a bit shocked he did all this so fast, but was really pleased. Lucy said she understood and that it was a good idea. So I travelled up on Friday, he was working late so I let myself in. Lucy appeared, with their daughter, and just walked in, and into the bedroom to collect some more things of hers. She did not greet me, or even acknowledge i was there. Her daughter did though. Her daughter asked when Jay would be home, and I told her, She said ‘mum, dad will be back in 15min’ and Lucy looked at me and said ‘I Know, he’s been texting me’. I don’t know why she did that. She left before Jay came home. Apparently he has now told me he got mad at her for just coming into the house when he wasn’t there, as its not her house anymore (sorry did i mention he bought her out? And its all official now =) ) anyway, he came home and said we had to go over as the kids wanted him to see their rooms and Lucys parents were there. Apparently growing up he lived with them for awhile and he was close with them and wanted to say hi. He said he has ignored them since she cheated on him but he feels bad and wanted to see them. So I went with him, her parents were really nice to me. And I stopped their new puppy from running away on the highway. So I was nice!! =) So we spent time with the kids all Saturday, in town. That night at midnight, he son came banging on the door.. I woke Jay up and Jay went out, apparently he wanted some video game. He got a lecture on walking around at midnight. I stayed in bed. Jay dropped him off, Lucy did not know the son left, and has he grabbed the game in 10 seconds, and jay dropped him off just around the block, we didn’t call her because he was going there. In the minute it took him to take the son there, his mobile went off, then the house phone, then the mobile, then the house phone. Then he got a text. I waited for him to come home and i told him he had missed calls Lucy went off at him saying ‘Im sick of you not being contactable!! Why aren’t you answering the phone I called a few times’ he explained he left the phone behind and she went off. He just accepted it. Then she went on to tell him the rules she was making with the kids. We went to sleep. I am normally and early riser but we slept in that morning and relaxed, At 8am his phone rang. He just missed it. It was Lucy. He immediately called her phone. He got a busy tone, and the house phone went off. He got up and got halfway there before it stopped. Then his mobile went off. He came back and missed it, then she called it again and he picked up. She said she wanted to come get things from the freezer. He asked if it could wait until later. She asked him why, where he was, and then chastised us for being in bed still. Normally I leave at 3pm on a Sunday to get home, but I stayed until 7pm. Lucy sent her daughter around to ask Jay if he was going to come her birthday dinner, after he already said no last week!!! I feel like she thought I was gone, and that she could ask him again behind my back. Last night he spend 5 hours with her sorting out finance, and then he called and told me about it. Im not comfortable with hearing about their finances, and I asked whether they would still be meeting up much more to sort thigns. He got upset at me and said they are friends and he thought I understood that. BUT I thought it had been decided that apart from kids stuff they weren’t hanging out Now Im confused and he is telling me we all need to have a big meetings to discuss things, because he and Lucy are not going to stop being friends and he won’t be the middle man. Im really upset now Am I wrong here? it bothers me so much and I don’t know why! Im not asking him to hate her, which he seems to think, and he wants me to ‘sort it out’ with Lucy. I feel like there are no boundaries, that she will continue to speak to him the way she is, and come over like she owns the place I said this, and Jay said that he is petrified that she will make his life hell to see the kids if he doesn’t keep being her friend. I asked if that meant we had to do everything she said and he said no, he doesn’t care.. isn’t that contradictory? And he had been begging me to move in, I just started my dream job, but I have resigned and am moving this weekend, I have not yet found a new job and Im totally dependant on him- im not comfortable with this ive always been independent.. But he really wanted me to move asap, and I am Now I’m scared and confused. He wants to know why I want her to back off a bit.... How do I handle this? Do I talk to her? What do I say to them both?! Right now Im being made to feel like I am unreasonable... Am I? Edited July 25, 2012 by Pinkcow wierd html stuff happened
2sure Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Lucy is in charge of Jay which he is used to and comfortable with, to his own detriment. She may always be in charge. 1
Author Pinkcow Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 Lucy is in charge of Jay which he is used to and comfortable with, to his own detriment. She may always be in charge. I thought this, and tried to explain it to him. He said he felt like a crappy puppet. But that was last week. Ive just tried to explain again he is insisting on texting which is difficult. Do you think Im just going to have to accept this?
2sure Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 No, you cannot accept this because it is unacceptable. It's possible that her renewed and aggressive interest in him is simply because you are now in the picture or because you are younger or because it's a change she can't (or shouldn't) control. You are probably going to need to back way way off until this passes. He should come stay with you every other weekend or something like that. 1
Author Pinkcow Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 No, you cannot accept this because it is unacceptable. It's possible that her renewed and aggressive interest in him is simply because you are now in the picture or because you are younger or because it's a change she can't (or shouldn't) control. You are probably going to need to back way way off until this passes. He should come stay with you every other weekend or something like that. I really want to do this ^ BUT...I just resigned and am moving into his house this weekend, some of my stuff is already there How can I back off now? I feel like a complete mess with this, and he is really adamant about talking it out. I feel like being 'cold'/'quiet' but trying not to be childish either. Which is a line I know will be dealt consider Im a decade younger than them.. I cant see how he cant see how she is starting up a power struggle. I dont want one I just want her not in my life
ja123 Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Keep working on your independence: your own job, your own money, your own friends, and interests. Your man sounds like a decent fellow. I have the feeling he knows his ex is a live-cannon and he wants to avoid conflict for the kids' sake. It's tough for you. It'd be different if she could at least be decent to you. Unfortunately this is not the case. Is there any way to offer her some kind of olive branch (while still keeping your dignity in tact?) This woman is clearly egotistical and sometimes you just have to play a game with them (be nicey nice) even though you don't mean it. In other words, manipulate her. Hopefully, she'll meet someone else, then the kids will grow older and things will settle down. But, keep your independence so if it's ever too much, you can leave.
2sure Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Oh, what a mess. This is all a bad idea by the way. You are too young to have to deal with this. But since you are... they don't have boundaries. You do. You cannot control them, or even Jay. Only your own actions and through them your feelings to an extent. It's called taking the high road. Don't let her intimidate you, when she does...stick to your guns and if there is no chance of an adult conversation...Tell Her or Them....I am leaving the room to be alone. Should you decide you are able to have an adult conversation call me and we will try it again. This is going to be a rough road. If you're committed to the move...get an exit plan in order pronto. so that you don't feel trapped.
Author Pinkcow Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 Keep working on your independence: your own job, your own money, your own friends, and interests. Your man sounds like a decent fellow. I have the feeling he knows his ex is a live-cannon and he wants to avoid conflict for the kids' sake. It's tough for you. It'd be different if she could at least be decent to you. Unfortunately this is not the case. Is there any way to offer her some kind of olive branch (while still keeping your dignity in tact?) This woman is clearly egotistical and sometimes you just have to play a game with them (be nicey nice) even though you don't mean it. In other words, manipulate her. Hopefully, she'll meet someone else, then the kids will grow older and things will settle down. But, keep your independence so if it's ever too much, you can leave. Yes, he is very decent. =) Ive gotten very flustered, but bringing the issue up here and hearing these comments is calming me down alot, thank you so much! Definitely just need to keep my cool, and play her game.. thank you =)
Author Pinkcow Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 Oh, what a mess. This is all a bad idea by the way. You are too young to have to deal with this. But since you are... they don't have boundaries. You do. You cannot control them, or even Jay. Only your own actions and through them your feelings to an extent. It's called taking the high road. Don't let her intimidate you, when she does...stick to your guns and if there is no chance of an adult conversation...Tell Her or Them....I am leaving the room to be alone. Should you decide you are able to have an adult conversation call me and we will try it again. This is going to be a rough road. If you're committed to the move...get an exit plan in order pronto. so that you don't feel trapped. Yes well I feel like Ive been dealing with these 'adult' situations from a very young age =/ . Thank you so much for your comments you are really helping me =) I was feeling like I was going to have to comprimise or give in, but your right, I have my boundaries and there is no reason to not stick to them. I think I will have to be really firm. Its becoming a petty arguement, Im just going to stick with 'Im not happy with this, and this is what I am going to do.' Ive been just standing there and not saying anything, but I am gearing up to confronting her at the next incident. I cant keep expecting him to say something when he thinks its all fine... thanks again so much!!
2sure Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Now I'm going to worry, so make sure you keep posting.
Author Pinkcow Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 Ok so Jay sent me a big email from Lucy Lucy wrote to Jay but its pretty obvious its for ME hence why he sent it on.. its along the lines of 'I hope Joanne (me) understands that Im not romantically interested in you Jay, and that I am very happy with Rick (her boyfriend) and that I want to remain very close friends with you- so we can still talk and care for eachother. Im so glad you met Joanne and Im glad she cares about you, because I was so worried when you didnt have anyone. Of course I have second thoughts from time to time because change is so scary. I hope you and I can spend time together and go to lunch and things. I hope Joanne is ok with this and that we can all go and do things together like golf or bowling'. It was longer that that but thats the gist and some acutal lines from it. So if I read this as being genuine, Im still annoyed that she wants to be very close friends, and Im not going on double dates like some kind of brady bunch deal.... Anyway I wrote a large email which I though sounded rather emotionless.. I did get angry, was not overly nice. I just stayed factual, said I understood they had a long history and kids, but that we are all in new relationships now, the old ones have to change and boundaries need to be set..... SO I read it to Jay over the phone and he like it, but I decided to reword it a little to take extra care to not be offensive in anyway.... I just hit send then sent him a message saying 'Sent email =)' and he replied with 'Lucy and I are not even speaking now' WHAT?! She has been hounding him all day for my 'answer' to her email, and he said I was typing one... but she already cracked it and has rung him up abusing him because she wants to be very close friends, He hung up and got a call from his son (15yrs) who then said 'WHAT the hell is going on with your crazy girlfriend?' Now Jay is ropable because he never wanted anyone to be involving the kids and now she is in their ears about me, Now i feel so bad because this is what he didnt want!! She went nutty before I sent the email- so at least I know its not my fault.. BUT I have sent it now! ... waiting on the response?
2sure Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 That woman is a total nut job and I for one, see right through her "genuine" email. She is writing to Jay like she is peachy with everything in order to lay a ground work for her to make you like like the bad guy. You should not fall for this. If Jay does, he is a lost cause. It is called manipulation. Frankly, she is so obvious it would not be effective to anyone with more life experience. Honest. Responding to her at all was a mistake. But whatever you said was not - because her response would have been the same. 1
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