AD1980 Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 Dating/attracting the oppsite sex is the only area where peopel tell you to have blind confidence even if you are never good or sucessful at it which makes no sense to me and is not logical or rational something i usually try to be Im 32 never been with a women never been told i was attratcive or good looking id be a dellusional non self aware fool if i pretended to think i was attractive to women Its quite obvious iam not,its not in me to fake something or trick myself into believing im good at something i know im not and have irrational confidence People who have been sucessful at attracting the opposite sex have no idea what its like not to be able to and to just throw around cliches like be blindly confident really isnt gonna help things..
Ruby Slippers Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 I think you have to find the people who like you. If that means light dating with someone below your "level" at first, fine. When I was getting back into the game earlier this year, I casually dated this one guy who was a world away from me in terms of background, education, and so on. But he had other appealing qualities that made me want to date him. It was clear it was a temporary situation, we had some fun, and he made me feel like a sex bomb again. I don't think I'll ever forget him for that. He played a significant part in bringing me back to life
jakelongot Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 i think your problem is worrying about what is not attracting women. When you go out are you constantly in your head about looking good, acting right or looking for available women? If so, STOP DAT! Try to be present in the moment. Do things you enjoy and when you talk to to a women don't get in your head about trying to create attraction or get caught up on getting a number. Treat them as if they are a peer or a friend. Talk to them like they are just one of the guys and you truly are interested in what they say. if you have a good conversation get there number at the end. You can't be worried about attracting women or you will never get women. 3
Content Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 I dont know its hard..I only seem to get positive responses from my married friends wives who know im no threat to hit on them so they say decent things about me..
mickleb Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 Where does your self-esteem come from, OP? Figure that out then be confident about it, around women.
Author AD1980 Posted July 24, 2012 Author Posted July 24, 2012 Where does your self-esteem come from, OP? Figure that out then be confident about it, around women. my self esteem in the dating world would come from positive results which ive never gotten in 32 years..
Cracker Jack Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 And how often have you actually tried to place yourself in the dating world?
ascendotum Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 Ruby, I think what men think are below their league and what women think are below their level can be quite different. I'm sure OP would love to find an unambitious & vacuous babe to boost his confidence but I think its going to have to be the other way around for him, plain nerdy/chubby girl who likes him and wants to spend time with him, and its not going to be the same. Getting confidence from no positive reinforcement from women is going to be very hard. (he's not just missing out on the confidence boost, but after so long its eroding his base level of confidence in himself) If it has not happened so far he is going to have to boost his self worth through other endevours.
lino Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 OP, do absolutely everything that's realistically possible to make yourself more attractive. You also need to get to a mental state where you care less. And definitely don't be the nice guy! I think you have to find the people who like you. If that means light dating with someone below your "level" at first, fine. When I was getting back into the game earlier this year, I casually dated this one guy who was a world away from me in terms of background, education, and so on. But he had other appealing qualities that made me want to date him. It was clear it was a temporary situation, we had some fun, and he made me feel like a sex bomb again. I don't think I'll ever forget him for that. He played a significant part in bringing me back to life Nice... I bet he's immensely proud to have been used as a stepping stone by someone that's a 'world away' from him. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 Nice... I bet he's immensely proud to have been used as a stepping stone by someone that's a 'world away' from him. He doesn't seem to have a problem with it. He called me on my birthday recently and was a total sweetheart. (He had asked me when we were dating if he could do that.) He said he was happy for me that I'm dating someone I like, but let me know he's still single, and said give him a call if I want to get together. Believe me, this guy is 100% cool with something casual, fun, and fiery. I'm pretty sure it's his preference.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 Ruby, I think what men think are below their league and what women think are below their level can be quite different. I'm sure OP would love to find an unambitious & vacuous babe to boost his confidence but I think its going to have to be the other way around for him, plain nerdy/chubby girl who likes him and wants to spend time with him, and its not going to be the same. Getting confidence from no positive reinforcement from women is going to be very hard. (he's not just missing out on the confidence boost, but after so long its eroding his base level of confidence in himself) If it has not happened so far he is going to have to boost his self worth through other endevours. If I were the OP, I don't imagine I'd have too much of a problem having some light fun with a plain, nerdy, and/or chubby girl. To me, hugs, cuddles, and sexual fun with someone less than perfect but cool is way better than no romantic affection whatsoever. Human beings suffer tremendously with no physical contact with other people. I'm sure there are some flawed but lovely girls out there who would enjoy some light dating with the OP. As long as everybody's honest, it's cool.
Necris Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 I think you have to find the people who like you. If that means light dating with someone below your "level" at first, fine. When I was getting back into the game earlier this year, I casually dated this one guy who was a world away from me in terms of background, education, and so on. But he had other appealing qualities that made me want to date him. It was clear it was a temporary situation, we had some fun, and he made me feel like a sex bomb again. I don't think I'll ever forget him for that. He played a significant part in bringing me back to life Uhh huh... I for one am against using other people for a light confidence boost. Plus its not going to boost your self-esteem if you are only attracting unattractive people anyway. Besides women standards are very different a woman you may find unattractive and below your "league so to speak" will probably still reject you as she has more options. As for advice for the OP I can relate I don't have much confidence in my dating abilities, and I have lived with zero positive reinforcement from women and I have never had a relationship, but I can say remember being single isn't actually a bad thing, just think you have 99 problems but a woman isn't one of them.
mickleb Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 my self esteem in the dating world would come from positive results which ive never gotten in 32 years.. Sorry AD - that wasn't what I was asking. Where do you get your self-esteem from, generally? What are you proud of about yourself?
USMCHokie Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 I'm going to keep quiet about all this for now...
Author AD1980 Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 I'm going to keep quiet about all this for now... Please dont
USMCHokie Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Please dont My views on confidence and external validation are well-disseminated around here...
jobaba Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 I think you have to find the people who like you. If that means light dating with someone below your "level" at first, fine. When I was getting back into the game earlier this year, I casually dated this one guy who was a world away from me in terms of background, education, and so on. But he had other appealing qualities that made me want to date him. It was clear it was a temporary situation, we had some fun, and he made me feel like a sex bomb again. I don't think I'll ever forget him for that. He played a significant part in bringing me back to life Personally I think this is a great idea, not only for OP but for Somedude and other guys who just can't get that first woman nailed down (pardon my figure of speech). Just so long as you're not a moron and say some idiotic thing like "I don't really think you're attractive, I'm just looking for a warm body and a designated driver", they'll never figure it out likely. People always say never date anybody you're not attracted to, whether they are nice people or not. Yea, how many women here have dated a guy that was really hot and had the personality of Sulfuric Acid. Lots... That's any better? 1
jobaba Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Dating/attracting the oppsite sex is the only area where peopel tell you to have blind confidence even if you are never good or sucessful at it which makes no sense to me and is not logical or rational something i usually try to be Im 32 never been with a women never been told i was attratcive or good looking id be a dellusional non self aware fool if i pretended to think i was attractive to women Its quite obvious iam not,its not in me to fake something or trick myself into believing im good at something i know im not and have irrational confidence People who have been sucessful at attracting the opposite sex have no idea what its like not to be able to and to just throw around cliches like be blindly confident really isnt gonna help things.. Be conscious of what you say. -Limit the self-deprecation -Don't talk about your past dating failures. -Act like you can get women even if you can't -LIMIT SELF DEPRECATION! The tricky thing about a dude your age is that ... when you are talking to most women, even in the beginning, the subject of relationships will come up. You have to skillfully skirt the subject because a 32 year old man that has never had a woman is a dealbreaker for all but the coolest of gals.
ScreamingTrees Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Ruby, I think what men think are below their league and what women think are below their level can be quite different. I'm sure OP would love to find an unambitious & vacuous babe to boost his confidence but I think its going to have to be the other way around for him, plain nerdy/chubby girl who likes him and wants to spend time with him, and its not going to be the same. Getting confidence from no positive reinforcement from women is going to be very hard. (he's not just missing out on the confidence boost, but after so long its eroding his base level of confidence in himself) If it has not happened so far he is going to have to boost his self worth through other endevours. Why does everyone equate nerdy and plain with chubby? Plain =/= Chubby. "Plain" doesn't even make me think of physical attributes, it makes me think of a girl who doesn't really dress flamboyantly or wear a lot of make-up. Plain janes can potentially be very hot, and most of the hotties out there would look like Plain Janes without make-up or their nice expensive clothes. Why would anyone feel they're "settling" for a plain jane? As if a majority of women are colorful, beautiful peacocks strutting their feathers everywhere they go.. 1
ptp Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Unless you get lucky, nobody is going to give you confidence. You have to do little things to build it up. Dressing well, good hair cut are 2 places to start. Also, you have to decide what is more painful: Getting rejected or staying where you are. At some point you will just have to take somewhat of a shotgun approach. If it doesn't work out it will make things worse, but if it does workout then you will be on the right path.
Leopard Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 I'm gonna have to agree. You can't be confident without positive reinforcement. Confidence is an attractive TRAIT, but I don't think it can make anyone attractive. That's where we need to draw the line. 1
somedude81 Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 I don't think it's possible to have confidence without any positive relevant experiences. That's why I think the advice "be confident" is absolutely horrible. Almost as bad is, "just fake it." If you don't know what confidence is because you've never been it, how can you fake being confident? If I were the OP, I don't imagine I'd have too much of a problem having some light fun with a plain, nerdy, and/or chubby girl. To me, hugs, cuddles, and sexual fun with someone less than perfect but cool is way better than no romantic affection whatsoever. Human beings suffer tremendously with no physical contact with other people. I'm sure there are some flawed but lovely girls out there who would enjoy some light dating with the OP. As long as everybody's honest, it's cool. So nerdy, plain and or chubby girls are easier?
Dafa Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 I think the advice 'be confident' is often misconstrued. What the advice actually means is be confident in yourself as a person, not some James Bond type strutting up to women in pubs. Be confident in yourself and talk to women like normal people because, oddly enough, that's what women are. Yeah, that's what women are but in certain contexts, some of them are normal people who feel entitled to alot more than you can give. Even though they themselves are not up to par to the standard they set... But i digress. Being confident in yourself as a person is all very pretty but true confidence in yourself comes from a correct self-image. As such, what if your best assets are not things that are useful in the dating world? There are alot of positive traits that are not only irrelevant to the dating world but can even be counterproductive (academic intelligence or humbleness, for example). In the same way that some traits can be counterproductive in the professioal world but are quite useful in the dating world (over-inflated self-image, for example). As for external validation, it has been discussed here quite often and no one ever changes their mind anyway so...
Dafa Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 He doesn't seem to have a problem with it. He called me on my birthday recently and was a total sweetheart. (He had asked me when we were dating if he could do that.) He said he was happy for me that I'm dating someone I like, but let me know he's still single, and said give him a call if I want to get together. Believe me, this guy is 100% cool with something casual, fun, and fiery. I'm pretty sure it's his preference. I'm sorry but i gotta ask: Do you really believe that? You yourself use the word "seem". Isn't there the possibility that he is just playing the long-term game? He is happy for you that i'm dating someone you like? Pardon me if i have a low opinion of human nature but there has to be some resentment there... With this said, that dating relationship you had: Did it involve "benefits", if you know what i mean? If that is the case, then it seems plausible that he also got what he wanted (casual sex with someone very attractive, from his standards) and he is open to rekindling that relationship.
Snakechammah Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 You know darling, threads like these are the very reason why I joined Loveshack. I must've been a Life Coach in another life! First and foremost, we need to build up your SELF-ESTEEM. Clearly, that is what is lacking. Without a healthy self-esteem/self respect/call it what you will, you can never have any confidence in life. To make things easier to understand, here's the breakdown of "How to get some confidence" 1. State a goal: (e.g: I want to date a woman) 2. Give yourself a time frame: (e.g in 6 months time) 3. List areas of strengths and weaknesses 4. Plan for action (e.g what steps are needed to overcome weakness, overweight? then join a gym, exercise, research on ways to lose weight... not fashionable? read fashion mags, check out designs in contemporary shops, google men's fashion, research and more research!) 5. Read self-help books. Books are EXCELLENT for motivation. I will give you a few examples at the end of this post. You can get them from your local library or order from Amazon. Whatever it is, do READ and APPLY the concepts to everyday life. 6. Make a list of daily improvements: Weighing yourself every week with continuous exercise, mix and match a few items in your wardrobe that makes you feel and look good, etc 7. Once you've got your mindset changed and made progress, time to venture out. 8. Choose a good date - make sure it's a day that makes you happy. 9. Without specific purpose, go for a stroll. Go out of your house, wearing your new fashion-inspired outfit and your trimmed-out body (armed with the knowledge of those self-help books)... get out there and breathe in the fresh air. Walk aimlessly in the park. Observe the random people walking. Smile as they look your way. Go to the nearest cafe. Sit out on the patio, order a cappucino. Sip it slowly. Make eye contact with people passing by. ENJOY LIFE. If someone walks past and drops his newspaper, pick it up and start chatting. It could be an old man, a toddler, the waitress, anyone, just smile and speak to them. Be friendly. Start talking. Start socializing. It'll be natural in no time. Practice, practice, practice. 10. Life is what you make of it. LOVE YOURSELF. Believe in the possibility. The world is yours if you embrace it. Stop demeaning yourself. If you don't even love yourself, how do you expect others to? "In order for your world to change, you have to change your mind..." "You are the captain of your soul and the master of your fate. Remember you have the capacity to choose. Choose life, choose health, choose happiness!" Quotes from - The Power of your Subconcious Mind" by Joseph Murphy That's one heck of a good book. The other is "Only love is real" by Brian Weiss. Actually, there are heaps of other books. Google 'Inspirational Books', get them and read them. It works like a charm. You'll be ok. Make your life starts at 32. From this day forth, you are going to live the dream life you've always wanted! You can do it!!
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