Girlfriend's mother killing our relationship

[Visforvampire544]

I've been going out with someone for around a month (we're both 23) and am starting to worry I'm becoming too involved with her family. Unfortunately because of her working hours I can only see her twice a week. While we have had some very special dates and nights out alone, every time I go to her house we end up spending time with her family for most of the night, which makes me feel left out. By nature I'm not a family person and have never had to spend this much time with someone else's family before so I'm not always comfortable.

 

Future days out we have planned also involve her family, which is starting to limit the time we can spend together on our own.

 

It all seems down to her mother who is very controlling and 'in your face'. I've since raised the issue of not spending enough time together which seemed to upset her as she clammed up saying I wouldn't understand. After some coaxing, she told me that she is very close with her mum and that if she doesn't spend time with her mum she will think she doesn't like her and will lose her so she tries to balance it by spending time with all of us when I'm round. It all sounds very controlling on the mother's part which is making me start to worry about the long term and how our relationship will suffer.

 

I appreciate you become 'part of the family' in a relationship, but is this too much too soon? Considering our age and relatively short length of time together it seems unusual to me.

Edited July 24, 2012 by Visforvampire544

[InJest]

This is crazy. Way too much, way too soon. Tell your girl you need to spend at least one night a week with her, alone or you have to end the relationship. Don't enable her or her mother.

[wildgeese]

I wonder at her and her mother's relationship. The mother does indeed sound very controlling and immature, and most likely makes her daughter feel guilty about growing up. I have a very similar mother and at some point your girlfriend has to cut the cord - or at least lengthen it. She should not feel guilty for having a life, romantic or otherwise. I suggest that you encourage her to know that she shouldn't feel bad by spending time with you alone. She needs to figure out how to balance her family and her relationship, but don't put down her mother or the rest of her family while doing so - that's not your place. If the girl is worth it, then one date night a week is also worth it. Or suggest that she see her family every other week and she can talk to her mom on the phone as much as she likes. She's old enough to place boundaries and she needs to realize that.

[Visforvampire544]

It's since got worse. We were meant to go out for a meal at a restaurant one night this week but upon arriving at hers the plans completely changed. Instead we end up going on a walk with the mother and then it got too late so we ended up eating all together elsewhere. When we finally got time alone I raised this asking what happened to our plans but ahe kept saying she didn't know. I left on bad terms and she's been in a strop ever since because of the way I kept aaking what I thought was a reasonable question. Something is seriously wrong here?

[Balzac]

The seriously wrong is that you are 23 and dating a 16 year old. Celibacy must be in your big picture.