digon1631 Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 My girlfriend and I have been on a break for 6 weeks. We are basically broken up but she calls it a break because she wants to get back with me, but she doesn't know when. She says the reason why she broke up with me is because she's not "in love" with me but still loves me. She still says I love you and it seems like she is trying really hard to not kiss me or hug me. She tells me she doesn't like kissing me or touching me at all and isn't physically attracted to me anymore. Even though she still always wants to hang out with me and still occasionally kisses me. Everytime she kisses me she says okay no more. How can I convince her that she actually is still in love with me and we should work it out? She says she feels too young to be in a committed relationship and we have been together for 3.5 years before taking this "break" where we see each other everyday. I am 20 and she is 21, she tells me she wants to get married with me still but feels like she wants to be single while she still can even though she basically treats me like I'm her boyfriend without the official title. How can I convince her that this is what true love is really like. She says she's not romantically in love with me anymore, but I think what she is looking for is that honeymoon stage which of course won't happen again. I need advice to convince her that she is in fact in love with me and just is scared of committing to a great guy. I have been a very good boyfriend and she took a break with me out of the blue. Sounds like GIGS, but I can tell she just needs a little convincing because she is so stubborn about not being in a relationship even though we basically are.
flitzanu Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 My girlfriend and I have been on a break for 6 weeks. We are basically broken up but she calls it a break because she wants to get back with me, but she doesn't know when. She says the reason why she broke up with me is because she's not "in love" with me but still loves me. She still says I love you and it seems like she is trying really hard to not kiss me or hug me. She tells me she doesn't like kissing me or touching me at all and isn't physically attracted to me anymore. Even though she still always wants to hang out with me and still occasionally kisses me. Everytime she kisses me she says okay no more. How can I convince her that she actually is still in love with me and we should work it out? She says she feels too young to be in a committed relationship and we have been together for 3.5 years before taking this "break" where we see each other everyday. I am 20 and she is 21, she tells me she wants to get married with me still but feels like she wants to be single while she still can even though she basically treats me like I'm her boyfriend without the official title. How can I convince her that this is what true love is really like. She says she's not romantically in love with me anymore, but I think what she is looking for is that honeymoon stage which of course won't happen again. I need advice to convince her that she is in fact in love with me and just is scared of committing to a great guy. I have been a very good boyfriend and she took a break with me out of the blue. Sounds like GIGS, but I can tell she just needs a little convincing because she is so stubborn about not being in a relationship even though we basically are. dude, you're her safety net. there's no way to "convince" someone they are in love with you. she's already told you she isn't and you don't want to believe her. you need to STOP hanging out with her, because it's going nowhere, and you're just letting her treat you like a doormat. it should be obvious now that you've spent 6 weeks and nothing has changed, right? so move on with your life and find someone that WANTS you.
Chi townD Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 My girlfriend and I have been on a break for 6 weeks. We are basically broken up but she calls it a break because she wants to get back with me, but she doesn't know when. She says the reason why she broke up with me is because she's not "in love" with me but still loves me. She still says I love you and it seems like she is trying really hard to not kiss me or hug me. She tells me she doesn't like kissing me or touching me at all and isn't physically attracted to me anymore. Even though she still always wants to hang out with me and still occasionally kisses me. Everytime she kisses me she says okay no more. How can I convince her that she actually is still in love with me and we should work it out? She says she feels too young to be in a committed relationship and we have been together for 3.5 years before taking this "break" where we see each other everyday. I am 20 and she is 21, she tells me she wants to get married with me still but feels like she wants to be single while she still can even though she basically treats me like I'm her boyfriend without the official title. How can I convince her that this is what true love is really like. She says she's not romantically in love with me anymore, but I think what she is looking for is that honeymoon stage which of course won't happen again. I need advice to convince her that she is in fact in love with me and just is scared of committing to a great guy. I have been a very good boyfriend and she took a break with me out of the blue. Sounds like GIGS, but I can tell she just needs a little convincing because she is so stubborn about not being in a relationship even though we basically are. Okay, a few footnotes out of a textbook. She gave you the "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you (ILYBINILWY)" speech. That is a sure sign that she's probably cheating on you. Yeah...yeah... I know what you're going to say, "No, she can't be! We're together everyday...blah...blah..." But, your not with her every second of the day and there's more than one way to cheat on someone that doesn't involve physical intimacy. There are two ways to cheat on a person. One way is a PA (physical affair). The other is a EA (emotional affair). You don't know who's she's texting in the middle of the night. You don't know who's she's meeting up with during her lunch break at work, you don't know who she could be Facebook chatting with at night. You don't know who she's talking to on the phone while she's getting ready for work in the morning. Footnote number two. A cheater will never admit that they are cheating unless you have proof. Even then, they'll only admit to what you can prove. So, without any evidence, she will just deny it. So, if I were you, I would start looking into things. It sounds like you are a backup plan and she waiting for the other dude to commit to something. If he does, I guarantee you she will kick you to the curb in a New York minute and the "taking a break" will be more permanant.
k100danny Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 She probably does love you and like you say after the honeymoon stage a lot of people think that it is over but this is a natural part of long term relationships. BUT you can't convince her as she obviously doesn't feel the feeling she has now is enough to stay in the relationship anymore. I wouldn't say for sure she cheated but she is definitely looking at her options 100% and she is scared of letting you go as you are comforting and she knows you. I don't know why anyone would try to convince someone to stay in a relationship, I will be sad, angry, depressed, wanting her back but once she has made that choice that is he choice and how can you ever fully love someone who would break up with you then keep you on a leash? Maybe she does want to be true friends with you but she definitely doesn't have that in mind at the moment and you can always be friends in the future if you care that way about each other after the break up. You are being taken for a fool and as much as it hurts if this was happening to your friend you would tell him the same thing.
Author digon1631 Posted July 24, 2012 Author Posted July 24, 2012 Right. She said she isn't looking for a relationship right now but for sure wants to get back with me. I honestly don't think she is hooking up or seeing anyone else. But it's what everyone says. What I think is stupid is that she always still wants to be with me and I just want to be able to fix it. I heard that one step to getting an ex back is to still hang out with them. I'm emotionally stable but I just want to try different things to get us back together. She doesn't tell anyone about us hangin out all the time and doesn't like people knowing. So she obviously is just keeping me in her backpocket, but I want to be able to fix it. She even admits that we are still more then friends and shê is just being rediculous. I have heard of stories that turn out well in this situation and is there advise for a positive approach to this?
Chi townD Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 okay, well.....you want to spark her interest? Start moving on without her. Stop hanging out with her. Stop returning her calls, answering her texts....when she finally gets a hold of you just say, " Look you said your not in love with me. You don't want to date me. You try to hide, whatever the hell this is from everyone like your ashamed of me and to be quite frank? I deserve better. I deserve a girl that IS going to love me. That is happy to see me. That can't wait until we're together again and is proud to be on my arm in public." That would probably shake her tree. Here's the deal. She's pulling on the leash and she realizes the dog is still there. One day, she pulls on the leash and she discovers the dog isn't there, she's going to go look for the dog. 4
Tulsy Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 Ya, you are in denial dude. She's using you. Get away from her while you can. And expect her to try and pull you back too...she wants you there waiting for her, but she really doesn't have any intention of staying with you. You gotta block her number, move, whatever...get away from her now. She is going to ruin you, I SWEAR IT. 1
Author digon1631 Posted July 24, 2012 Author Posted July 24, 2012 Okay I see what your saying. I totally agree with you. I really feel like she has cold feet right now and is scared about the future because it is coming up very soon. She is about to graduate and isn't sure what she wants to do in life. I am also going to med school after college and she can tell that I'm going somewhere. We used to never have this issue of this commitment stuff until very recently. We also booked tickets together to Florida to see her family 3 weeks ago when we were broken up. I mean, is there a way to fix this cold feet stuff? She's too scared about her youth passing her and I am very mature for my age and know what I want in life.
Author digon1631 Posted July 24, 2012 Author Posted July 24, 2012 She also believes that her decision is right and won't listen to anyone about it. She is extremely stubborn and she says she doesn't talk about this situation with her friends because she doesn't like people knowing about her personal life. But honestly I think she doesn't want to say anything because everyone would be like wtf to her if she told them the situation. Her parents support her in anyway possible and they both love me. She thinks that her parents are on her side for her decision but both her mom and grandma told me that she is taking me for granted. I wish her friends would tell her or she tell her friends that she is the one who is wrong here because she does whatever she wants and tells me she wants to be selfish.
Gulf-Delta Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 It is 100% impossible to convince her. Her mind is made up. 1
salmagundi Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 listen to chi town my friend he's telling you the only things you need to hear. but i am going to tell you one more thing you need to hear. what you feel for her is not love, its need...if you are willing to put up with her mindf$&kery just keep her in your life its because you do not value yourself enough to believe that you deserve better. you need to drop her like a hot rock because she's using you, she doesn't respect you and she doesn't value you, because if she did you wouldn't be on this forum. move on, please...
KatZee Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 My girlfriend and I have been on a break for 6 weeks. We are basically broken up but she calls it a break because she wants to get back with me, but she doesn't know when. She says the reason why she broke up with me is because she's not "in love" with me but still loves me. She still says I love you and it seems like she is trying really hard to not kiss me or hug me. She tells me she doesn't like kissing me or touching me at all and isn't physically attracted to me anymore. Even though she still always wants to hang out with me and still occasionally kisses me. Everytime she kisses me she says okay no more. How can I convince her that she actually is still in love with me and we should work it out? She says she feels too young to be in a committed relationship and we have been together for 3.5 years before taking this "break" where we see each other everyday. I am 20 and she is 21, she tells me she wants to get married with me still but feels like she wants to be single while she still can even though she basically treats me like I'm her boyfriend without the official title. How can I convince her that this is what true love is really like. She says she's not romantically in love with me anymore, but I think what she is looking for is that honeymoon stage which of course won't happen again. I need advice to convince her that she is in fact in love with me and just is scared of committing to a great guy. I have been a very good boyfriend and she took a break with me out of the blue. Sounds like GIGS, but I can tell she just needs a little convincing because she is so stubborn about not being in a relationship even though we basically are. I'm sorry but you need to get it through your head that there is NOTHING you can do to convince her she loves you. She said some pretty concrete statements. 1. I'm not in love with you. 2. I'm not attracted to you. 3. I don't like kissing you. 4. I don't like touching you. I told my ex those same things. Sure, I cared for him. Was I "in love" with him? Absolutely not. He became a brother. A roommate. And he refused to believe that this couldn't be changed. So he tried to go the route you're going to go. Convincing. Begging. Pleading. Listen, she's telling you she's not in love, she can't even stomach being physical with you. Honeymoon stage or not, if she doesn't want to touch you, THIS IS A PROBLEM. A relationship NEEDS attraction on a physical level. She may genuinely enjoy your company. When I told my ex these things, I wanted to keep him as a friend. We had fun together. But I had no desires to be in a relationship with him. So I kept asking him to hang out, talk to him etc. I see now that I was giving him so many confusing signals. It was selfish behavior, it was naive behavior. I thought we could go from BF/GF to just being good friends. It doesn't work that way, especially if you're so in love. I truly don't believe she is in love with you. Platonic love, maybe. Romantic love, no. I also don't believe this is GIGS either. She didn't run to something else. She's just not interested in you on that level. I've been where your ex is. It had nothing to do with GIGS, I just didn't want to be with him like that, he didn't "do it for me" on that level, and it honestly stemmed from me feeling like a mother to him, not a girlfriend. She doesn't need convincing to be with you, and honestly... why would you WANT to be with someone who needed to be convinced she loved you? She should know. And she does know. She knows she's not.
Chi townD Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 Look, I still believe that there's someone else in the picture. And if she isn't cheating, then there's someone else that is definately sparking her interest. Therefore, she could be using you as an emotional crutch. You being there and filling her needs. But, if this other thing pans out, you're out of there. Look, people have been telling you things that you don't want to hear. We get that. Believe me! We know what kind of pain your feeling. But, right now, you need to look out for yourself. Dude, she was honest and ended it with you. But, now she's being selfish and string you along and filling you with false hope. And that's not being fair to you. Dude, you don't belong in the "friend zone" you know it and I know it. I'm sure you didn't get into a loving and caring relationship to ultimately take a step back and become nothing more than a friend. Does that seem right to you?
Frank13 Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 Right. She said she isn't looking for a relationship right now but for sure wants to get back with me. I honestly don't think she is hooking up or seeing anyone else. She may not be hooking up with someone else right now, BUT THAT'S WHAT SHE WANTS. She wants to go screw a bunch of guys and have you on the backburner in case she still wants you once she is done. This is GIGS. I heard that one step to getting an ex back is to still hang out with them. What is her incentive to get back with you if she is free to hang out with you but also free to screw whoever she wants? She gets the best of both worlds. You are being a putz who she will lose respect for. No Contact is the way to go for two reasons. It lets you heal if they don't come back and it lets them miss you She doesn't tell anyone about us hangin out all the time and doesn't like people knowing. So she obviously is just keeping me in her backpocket, She doesn't tell anyone because she doesn't want other guys to think she is taken. She wants everyone to know she is free and single and available to screw. You really aren't seeing this huge red flag? She even admits that we are still more then friends and shê is just being rediculous. I have heard of stories that turn out well in this situation and is there advise for a positive approach to this? What she is saying is she knows she is being ridiculous for stringing you along when she wants to screw other guys. What stories have you heard that turn out well in this sitution? There are all sorts of red flags and you don't see them. Hell, she is practically telling you what a dope you are. Go NC. Let her miss you and move on. Either way you win.
EgoJoe Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 Yep. ChiTownDizzle is right, in my opinion. Attraction can be restimulated but you'd have to be objective and usually it's too late to do without a vanishing act.
Author digon1631 Posted July 24, 2012 Author Posted July 24, 2012 I agree with you all. I do deserve better and am going to move on. She told me before she would be devastated if I moved on from her and was out of her life, so that's why I know she loves me. But every long term relationship has a point where love just naturally dies down, especially since we were together for so long. But for now I will cut my losses and effort that I had put into it. I never begged or pleaded for her to get back with me but I just accepted it. The only thing that really really makes me mad is that she keeps saying we will get back together in the future someday and this is the way life is in general about relationships. (which I do not think is true at all) She is immature and doesn't see what she is losing so I am going to allow her to experience that.
Author digon1631 Posted July 24, 2012 Author Posted July 24, 2012 So this is why I think it's stupid. Because she is still obviously attracted to me but she just keeps trying to refuse to in her head. She will randomly just kiss me hug me hook up with me. So i know the attravtion is still there even tho she keeps telling me there isnt. Like she thinks being single is part of being young, so yeah. She doesn't deserve me and I wish everyone would just tell her to her face but none of her friends or family have the balls to.
KatZee Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 But every long term relationship has a point where love just naturally dies down. This is wrong. Love doesn't die down. If it's true, unconditional love, it doesn't just die down. The infatuation period ends. The butterflies go away. There is more routine, and less spontaneity but the love doesn't die down, and if it's the LOVE that's dying... THAT is a problem. 1
Chi townD Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 I agree with you all. I do deserve better and am going to move on. She told me before she would be devastated if I moved on from her and was out of her life, so that's why I know she loves me. But every long term relationship has a point where love just naturally dies down, especially since we were together for so long. But for now I will cut my losses and effort that I had put into it. I never begged or pleaded for her to get back with me but I just accepted it. The only thing that really really makes me mad is that she keeps saying we will get back together in the future someday and this is the way life is in general about relationships. (which I do not think is true at all) She is immature and doesn't see what she is losing so I am going to allow her to experience that. BINGO!!! She broke up with you. She made the choice to have you out of her life. Now, she needs to know that her actions have consquences. This isn't a punishment to her (and she will view it as such), this is a time for you to heal and move on. You can't be friends with her if you're harboring feelings for her. If she gets mad, just tell her, "Look, you don't love me, your not attracted to me....I don't see any option other than to move on and find the girl that will love me and wants to be with me." How can she argue over her own words? Then, complete NC. Is NC hard? YEP!!! Does it suck? YEP!!! But you need to be strong and take it day by day. You're going to be an emotional wreck. Post here often. Anytime she calls or texts. Let it go to voicemail, and don't respond to her texts, post here instead. People will walk you through this and get you to the end of the day. In the meantime. You need to get your revenge on her. And the best revenge you can get is to lead a damn good life! Get a new hairstyle and buy new clothes. Totally change your self image. Go to the gym and push weight and run your ass off on the treadmill. Great way to work off stress and frustrations AND getting a ripped bod in the process. Go back to school and finish up a degree. That will help you financially to get a better job and you can afford a nice car and a townehouse in a nice neighborhood. Travel! Plan a trip somewhere! If she checks up on you by asking a friend, which sounds better and that you're moping around and all sad and dejected OR " I guess he's doing well. I don't really know. He's backpacking through Europe for the next couple of weeks!" Which one sounds like you're moving on?
Author digon1631 Posted July 24, 2012 Author Posted July 24, 2012 Right. The love is there, she is just having an extreme mental block. It might also be influenced by her chronic marijuana use that just started 7 or 8 months ago when I could tell she started acting very different.
Chi townD Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 This is wrong. Love doesn't die down. If it's true, unconditional love, it doesn't just die down. The infatuation period ends. The butterflies go away. There is more routine, and less spontaneity but the love doesn't die down, and if it's the LOVE that's dying... THAT is a problem. KatZee has it right. Once the honeymoon phase is over, a lot of relationships end. BUT, if the honeymoon phase ends and your left looking at your best friend, then you have something worth investing in. She didn't see that with you. Sorry to be blunt.
Author digon1631 Posted July 24, 2012 Author Posted July 24, 2012 Yep. I have been doing a lot more self improvement and am not moping around. I just think it could be fixed but now I know the only fix is to not contact her. People say NC is a mind game but screw it. I'll let her actually feel that she's being stupid. Her family even sees it and all of my friends do. I have gone on a couple dates and about to go to med school soon. I also have been havig a lot of fun and have been religious about going to the gym for two years now so I look a lot better.
Author digon1631 Posted July 24, 2012 Author Posted July 24, 2012 She also says I'm her best friend and that's what she wants in a husband. I'll let her sulk in her stupid choice and find a girl that actually deserves me
Author digon1631 Posted July 24, 2012 Author Posted July 24, 2012 She also says I'm her best friend and that's what she wants in a husband. I'll let her sulk in her stupid choice and find a girl that actually deserves me. That's why our relationship lasted so long because we are very compatible. She just hasn't grown up yet, while I have. So its time to find a woman who's ready to love me.
KatZee Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 Right. The love is there, she is just having an extreme mental block. It might also be influenced by her chronic marijuana use that just started 7 or 8 months ago when I could tell she started acting very different. I think you're in denial, and trying to find any and all reasons as to why she's no longer with you. There's nothing to justify. She ended it. Denial is one of the phases of grief, so it's normal, but you really can't stay here.
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