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Hi Everyone. I have been married to my beautiful wife for 8 years

Eternal Hope

By Eternal Hope
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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Eternal Hope New Member

Eternal Hope

Posted
Posted

We have a wonderful little boy who is now 3 years old. It was the day after our 8th anniversary when my wife told me that she loves me but that she thinks she is no longer "In Love" with me. I guess I probably had an idea something was up but if I'm being honest I probably put it to the back of my mind. She did try to talk to me months ago but I broke down in front of her which wasn't fair on her atall.

She has been very busy at work these past 2 years trying to improve her role as well as raising our little boy. During this time I have tried to be as supportive as I could. I do the laundry, cook meals, tidy the house, get our kids lunch ready. I tell her every day I love her so much and I mean it from the bottom of my heart.

For the past 6 months to a year though, any approach I have made towards affection in the form of a kiss or hug always seems to get shrugged off or at best she embraces for a few seconds. I remember when she used to come up behind me and embrace me.

We have talked honestly and openly since and she said that she doesn't know what she wants anymore and needs to get her head sorted before we can work on US. She said she is going to seek help on this which I find very positive.

She says its not me, that its her and all thats going on in her head. I'd nearly prefer it was something to do with me (and it may yet be) so we could sit and talk about it and sort out what needs to be done.

 

Im Heartbroken, sorry for going on

standtall Established Member

standtall

Posted
Posted

Okay bro..here is my standard harsh post to get the ball rolling.

 

Based upon my experiences, and what is posted here, women with minor children seldom check out of marriages unless.

 

1. Drug/alcohol abuse by either party

2. Emotional/physical abuse by either party..emotional abuse includes abandonment.

3. Mental illness by either party

4. Third party involvement

 

Now this is not absolute list since human behavior is not absolute, but this would cover the majority by far.

 

Pick your poison.

  • Like 6
Decimated Member

Decimated

Posted
Posted

I agree with Standtall.

 

I would start checking on the "3rd Party involvement" if none of the others apply. This is how my STBXWW acted towards me during her affair. It started out being barely noticeable but steadily progressed to the lack of affection you describe with your wife.

 

If she is spending a lot of time at work chances are that it is someone there that is her distraction. You are going to have to become a private eye and figure this out...sorry.

  • Like 1
BetheButterfly Established Member

BetheButterfly

Posted
Posted
We have a wonderful little boy who is now 3 years old. It was the day after our 8th anniversary when my wife told me that she loves me but that she thinks she is no longer "In Love" with me. I guess I probably had an idea something was up but if I'm being honest I probably put it to the back of my mind. She did try to talk to me months ago but I broke down in front of her which wasn't fair on her atall.

She has been very busy at work these past 2 years trying to improve her role as well as raising our little boy. During this time I have tried to be as supportive as I could. I do the laundry, cook meals, tidy the house, get our kids lunch ready. I tell her every day I love her so much and I mean it from the bottom of my heart.

For the past 6 months to a year though, any approach I have made towards affection in the form of a kiss or hug always seems to get shrugged off or at best she embraces for a few seconds. I remember when she used to come up behind me and embrace me.

We have talked honestly and openly since and she said that she doesn't know what she wants anymore and needs to get her head sorted before we can work on US. She said she is going to seek help on this which I find very positive.

She says its not me, that its her and all thats going on in her head. I'd nearly prefer it was something to do with me (and it may yet be) so we could sit and talk about it and sort out what needs to be done.

 

Im Heartbroken, sorry for going on

 

I love how you describe your wife in the title, and it broke my heart to see this thread was not a happy one, but one full of pain. :(

 

Was your wife depressed after having the baby? I forgot the name of the disorder, but there is a disorder where women can have difficulty after having a baby.

 

It is good that she wants help. I would suggest you to ask her the following questions (if she likes to write, it might be good to write them down for her to honestly answer in writing at her leisure.)

 

1. Do you feel that you need more excitement in life? If so, what kind of excitement?

 

2. Do you feel frustrated with caring for the baby? Many women hire a nanny or babysitter to help. Would you like to hire help?

 

3. What are things I can do to help you?

 

4. When and why did you begin feeling the way you do now? Was there anything I did/didn't do to change how you felt?

 

5. What are your goals for the next 4 years? How do I and the kid(s)? fit into your goals?

 

Please do not beg her to "fall in love" with you. Instead, give her space and when she gives you encouraging signs, then act! Do you know things she loves? My hubby knows what I love... I love being kissed. I love back massages. I hate being tickled. Make sure to not do what she hates and to focus on what she loves.

 

I wish you the best and I am sorry. :( I hope she falls in love with you again! It is possible, but it depends on her desire.

2sunny Established Member

2sunny

Posted
Posted

Start searching. Find out if she's involved with someone else.

 

If she is - and she won't end that- there's not a chance that it will work out with you while she's so distracted.

 

Check her phone bill - phone for texts, email account etc. you need more truth about what's REALLY going on.

 

Step back and search for doing the 180 - it should help you feel better balance and take care of YOU!

  • Like 1
Radu Established Member

Radu

Posted
Posted
Sorry OP, but you sound a bit feminine. Not attractive to most women, you know? You sound like a sycophant, sucking up to her for her constant approval, living to please her, and following her around like a puppydog whose anxious for a pat on the head. It's like your whole existence centers around pleasing HER. Very unattractive.

 

You say she tried to talk to you a few months ago about how she felt, and you "broke down." Ugh. How unappealing. Not saying men can't be emotional, but seriously, she couldn't even talk to you because you had to act like a drama queen. You need to get your sh*t together and start acting like a man.

 

It just sounds like you're WAY too in touch with your feminine side. I actually wouldn't be suprised if she were drawn to a more masculine guy at work - a confident, powerful mover and shaker kind of alpha male - and that's why she's pulled away.

 

He has a point, google the 180 approach, and implement it.

My money is on the affair or she eyes someone.

 

Know this though, no woman will ever leave you unless she has a plan for what she will do after.

 

it's not too late, i'd also buy and read 'Female Infidelity' by Michele ... something, it's a light read but good one.

Is by any chance your wife just past 30?

2sunny Established Member

2sunny

Posted
Posted

Ask her for all passwords - if she has nothing to hide - shell offer them up! Check deleted email box too.

 

Is she working? Has her dress/hair changed recently? Is she doing anything differently? Unaccounted time from the family?

Ninja'sHusband Established Member

Ninja'sHusband

Posted
Posted
He has a point, google the 180 approach, and implement it.

My money is on the affair or she eyes someone.

 

Know this though, no woman will ever leave you unless she has a plan for what she will do after.

 

it's not too late, i'd also buy and read 'Female Infidelity' by Michele ... something, it's a light read but good one.

Is by any chance your wife just past 30?

Do you mean "Women's Infidelity" by Michelle Langley?

Decimated Member

Decimated

Posted
Posted (edited)
"Do you mean "Women's Infidelity" by Michelle Langley?"

 

I have read this book...it is good. It is an E book. It certainly explains a lot of what my STBXWW did and continues to do. I feel this book did a much better job of explaining female infidelity then any other book I have ever read. It seems like most books on infidelity are really written for women about men's infidelity. There are some very distinct differences.

Edited by Decimated
Richard Friedman Established Member

Richard Friedman

Posted
Posted
Sorry OP, but you sound a bit feminine. Not attractive to most women, you know? You sound like a sycophant, sucking up to her for her constant approval, living to please her, and following her around like a puppydog whose anxious for a pat on the head. It's like your whole existence centers around pleasing HER. Very unattractive.

 

You say she tried to talk to you a few months ago about how she felt, and you "broke down." Ugh. How unappealing. Not saying men can't be emotional, but seriously, she couldn't even talk to you because you had to act like a drama queen. You need to get your sh*t together and start acting like a man.

 

It just sounds like you're WAY too in touch with your feminine side. I actually wouldn't be suprised if she were drawn to a more masculine guy at work - a confident, powerful mover and shaker kind of alpha male - and that's why she's pulled away.

 

 

Hit the nail on the head. They should sticky this post as an example how to make a woman lose attraction.

quankanne Established Member

quankanne

Posted
Posted

two things: Yes, it does sound like infidelity, because that's the kind of distinction you make when you have "feelings" for someone when you're bonded to another. But, you're gonna have to bite the bullet and ask to know for sure.

 

other thing: Your marriage goes in cycles, and every several years or so, you get to the part where it feels staid and stagnant and you question just what the hell you're doing in the relationship. It's not a bad thing or a good thing, it's just a thing that happens. They call it the seven-year-itch, and in my own experience, it hit about year 6-7, year 13, and year 17. Nothing has to happen (getting involved with someone else, walking away, etc.), it's just a general dissatisfaction with what's going on at that point and you just wonder if the grass *isn't* greener. If you take the proper precautions and educate yourself, you can work through it. In your case, you need to absolutely, positively start communicating with your wife, including having that painful conversation so that you can both be on the same page when it comes to your marriage. You've got the solution ~ or at least have it close enough to grasp ~ you just need to act on it.

 

good luck!

alexandria35 Established Member

alexandria35

Posted
Posted

The I love you but I'm not in love with you speech is usually given by cheaters. Only someone who is cheating is likely to make the distinction between feelings of love and being in love. Your wife is "in love" with another person and that's why she is making this comparison.

  • Like 1
StripeyShirt Member

StripeyShirt

Posted
Posted

As a woman whose emotional landscape changed incredibly after the birth of her first baby, if my ex-husband had jumped to the conclusion that I was either abusing substances or cheating on him, I would not have stayed in the marriage for a further ten years to try and sort it out.

 

Her emotional detachment could be due to a lot of things, and the OP is obviously keen to work it out. MC would be my first line of defense before her privacy is completely invaded and mistrust becomes a part of a troubled marriage.

Silly_Girl Established Member

Silly_Girl

Posted
Posted
TRANSLATION: I'm cheating.

 

Sorry, but that's what cheating husbands and wives ALL say.

 

Alice is wrong. I found myself in an empty, dead marriage and it wasn't due to cheating.

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