Floored Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 So here I am, I never thought I'd be; I'm an ex-boyfriend. We were together three and a half years, friends long before that, saw each other every day in college, after work, my place. We were the cliched inseparable make-you-puke type. Marriage wasn't a question of if, but how soon could we get it in. Who knows when she started falling away, and if I'll ever forgive myself for not seeing the signs. She decides to get a job far away. No problem, we can strut the long distance thing; it would only be for a while until I got transplanted or she could get transferred herself. I steam ahead. I don't see her for an entire month; "I'm busy getting ready, this is about me you know". I tell her we're losing that beautiful thing we had for so long, the thing that made other people sick to look at; she says I need more faith in our relationship. I drive down four hours to help her move in; I'm sent home just a few hours later, right after what I thought would be first of many dinners in a new town. Single, with a stomach full of pasta that I will forever more despise. I'll tell you what, four hours worth of highway traffic in shock is a scary thing. It's that weird foggy feeling that you hope to wake up from; I'm going to get a text in ten minutes from her telling me about a frog she saw or something small like that. For close to four years we were in constant communication, and just like that, a door slams and I'm both at a loss and in unending abundance of words. Someone else is experiencing this, I need to tell my H about my friend and the devastating breakup he's having, but we're the break-up, and there's no one to tell to. I need to tell her how close my friend got to proposing to the love of his life before she shut him out, but it's the ring in my glove box that reminds me daily that it's me. Now, just barely a week later, I hear whispers from her friends, from what used to be our friends, about meeting sexy doctors and enjoying the single life, about lamenting how she'll never find love or get married. One week, not even a whole week, and it's like the entire previous four years didn't exist. Move past the shameful lack of self-restraint and customary get-over-it period, and it's the pain of her saying she'd never find love when she threw ours away, never would get married when her beautiful ring sits cold. I try to keep no contact. I want her to text me something, anything about her making a huge mistake, or her realizing what she's walking away from, but nothing comes. I don't even need to get back together, I just need to know that the last four years were real, that we were really together and that we had something. It drives me crazy to see her living it up, when I'm crushed. All the sappy love songs that I always thought were a gimmick, holy smuck do they make sense now. I want to be the noble one and hold her flame forever, weather all storms just to be with her one more day, but I know it's useless. I can't fix something that doesn't think it's broken, that doesn't want to be fixed. So I'm stuck, alone, with my memories while she makes new ones. I resolve myself to move ahead too; I suppose I'll add pilot to my list of qualifications. This is from a guy who hates these kinds of gushy stories, who prefers to work everything out, who believed in the kind of love that saw a couple through ecstasy and tragedy and that time and trial strengthened a couple, who would do anything for his little lady- and did. This is from a guy who thought he would have his relationship no matter what, and now it's shattered under him. There is not a more humbling, depressing, humiliating experience than to lose someone so swiftly. Even though I think that our love was more pure than doves, I know this story has been told a thousand times on this forum, by an untold number of other dove loves. Thank you everyone for sharing your stories. Comradery of broken heart is strangely warming and encouraging, and how therapeutic is this to put it on the internet til the end of time. 5
Radu Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 How old are you two ? That job, it was premeditated, you know that ? It was the branch she needed to grab, when she left the nest. It also removed her from all responsability and judgements from the social circle. 1
Sugarkane Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 I'm sorry to read about this. I always find it ironic that they complain about never finding love or getting married, yet easily throw away everything and all the talking of getting married.
Author Floored Posted July 24, 2012 Author Posted July 24, 2012 How old are you two ? That job, it was premeditated, you know that ? It was the branch she needed to grab, when she left the nest. It also removed her from all responsability and judgements from the social circle. I'm 24, she's 22. Young, stupid, naive. I don't know why I thought I could avoid that young twenty-something phase that a lot of girls go through, I suppose I wanted someone I fell in love with young and grew old with and then died like five minutes apart with; basically "The Notebook", but I will never admit to aspiring to that. I thought our supportive relationship would prove to be worth more than sowing wild oats until something took. I always made it a point to not be controlling, and now I wonder if things would be different if I reigned in more. I don't know. We both had typical watered-down high school relationships; we were both our first serious relationship. I never thought I should date a whole bunch of women to find that "one"; I accepted her with her flaws and strengths, I made her my 'one' for better and worse. I suppose I mentally had that dedication typical of marriage far too early. She wondered if it was possible to happily date and marry only one man. I didn't consider that a red flag but just a natural doubt. I don't need to say I'm not perfect, and she was better in any measurable way. And I was a bit misleading- I encouraged the position months ago while looking for jobs myself; it was only near the end that I realized that there were no plans for two involved, you have no idea how fitting her "grabbing the branch" is for our situation. I asked about the position many times this spring with only airy responses. I was working on getting professional degree stuff together so I wasn't wholly concerned at that point that she was avoiding the question. What's awkward now is that I have her sister's wedding video and my patchy edit of it; we were supposed to work on it together, I'm not sure why she didn't want to considering her plans were to cut and run. Of course I'm going to happily finish the video, but the grim reality of it is it'll most likely be the last time I see her family, all of whom I love as well. If I know who she really is, I know she won't like what she finds in that sea of singles. Rejection, perversion, needless heartbreak and treachery, whatnot; it's her choice, but she knows what we had. Knowing she rejected me to join that pool is the most heart-breaking, because I think even the tiniest bit of her might come out and actually try to repair what we had. We were each others' firsts and onlies in the sex department (I see this over and over here; I'm guessing this is just a natural reaction to cling to), and I actually put a lot of value in that, whereas she pulled doubt from it. Performance joke could go here, but since this is a family site, I'll politely say that was not the case, but her going back to that whole "can I find my one after only one?" line of thought. I'm wordy, I like to paint a complete picture, and I've been holding these feelings up. All of my friends say it was about time, apparently they've seen from outside the box at how cold she's been. Talking to them is great for moving forward, but hard to bounce ideas of any chances of us getting back together. Thank you for the responses, it's refreshing, even if you're only going to reinforce what my rl friends have said before. I'm trying to keep no contact. I had to text today to ask about something for that video, and kept it short and civil. I wish I could say the right thing to make that fog disappear and us to be back on our golden little road to happiness, but the ball is not in my court- I hate that, and I hate knowing that it may forever be out of my court.
StripeyShirt Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 Floored, your post really moved me. You genuinely loved her, accepted her. I don't think the fact you are 24 and she is 22 lessens your pain. But, it gives you plenty of time to appreciate yourself and find a new identity that is not defined by your relationship. Her way of leaving may be because she is immature, or maybe she is simply an unpleasant person. I doubt that, though. I think you are doing the right thing by simply grieving. You seem to know that it is over for sure. The pain will pass. I would just send the unedited video back to her or a family member. You have suffered enough. 4
Radu Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 She will come back to you, when she gets word that you are moving on. When that happens, i hope you remember that : - she got GIGS - she didn't communicate this to you, and preferred to pull the rug from under your feet [sacrifice you] for her good This girl was long gone from the relationship, that's why she has no problems having fun now while you are sitting there moping about. Read this thread if you want to see what went on through her mind : http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/328979-deadline-our-relationship-he-doesnt-know-about 2
Balzac Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 It's rough to navigate natural breaking points. Undergrad to first career job, entry into grad programs. For some professional grad programs the work 3 years, relocate for MBA, both parties have decisions. Logical breaking points within a 5 year time horizon. She was your undergrad "wife". From the story you tell, she knew you had another stint at training. Sad as it is, you have solid relationship skills, you'll find another woman,ice will come back into sun and fun. Hang in thete. This girl who is now your ex, works in health care? Is that the reason for mentioning young physicians?
KatZee Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 (edited) So here I am, I never thought I'd be; I'm an ex-boyfriend. We were together three and a half years, friends long before that, saw each other every day in college, after work, my place. We were the cliched inseparable make-you-puke type. Marriage wasn't a question of if, but how soon could we get it in. Who knows when she started falling away, and if I'll ever forgive myself for not seeing the signs. She decides to get a job far away. No problem, we can strut the long distance thing; it would only be for a while until I got transplanted or she could get transferred herself. I steam ahead. I don't see her for an entire month; "I'm busy getting ready, this is about me you know". I tell her we're losing that beautiful thing we had for so long, the thing that made other people sick to look at; she says I need more faith in our relationship. I drive down four hours to help her move in; I'm sent home just a few hours later, right after what I thought would be first of many dinners in a new town. Single, with a stomach full of pasta that I will forever more despise. I'll tell you what, four hours worth of highway traffic in shock is a scary thing. It's that weird foggy feeling that you hope to wake up from; I'm going to get a text in ten minutes from her telling me about a frog she saw or something small like that. For close to four years we were in constant communication, and just like that, a door slams and I'm both at a loss and in unending abundance of words. Someone else is experiencing this, I need to tell my H about my friend and the devastating breakup he's having, but we're the break-up, and there's no one to tell to. I need to tell her how close my friend got to proposing to the love of his life before she shut him out, but it's the ring in my glove box that reminds me daily that it's me. Now, just barely a week later, I hear whispers from her friends, from what used to be our friends, about meeting sexy doctors and enjoying the single life, about lamenting how she'll never find love or get married. One week, not even a whole week, and it's like the entire previous four years didn't exist. Move past the shameful lack of self-restraint and customary get-over-it period, and it's the pain of her saying she'd never find love when she threw ours away, never would get married when her beautiful ring sits cold. I try to keep no contact. I want her to text me something, anything about her making a huge mistake, or her realizing what she's walking away from, but nothing comes. I don't even need to get back together, I just need to know that the last four years were real, that we were really together and that we had something. It drives me crazy to see her living it up, when I'm crushed. All the sappy love songs that I always thought were a gimmick, holy smuck do they make sense now. I want to be the noble one and hold her flame forever, weather all storms just to be with her one more day, but I know it's useless. I can't fix something that doesn't think it's broken, that doesn't want to be fixed. So I'm stuck, alone, with my memories while she makes new ones. I resolve myself to move ahead too; I suppose I'll add pilot to my list of qualifications. This is from a guy who hates these kinds of gushy stories, who prefers to work everything out, who believed in the kind of love that saw a couple through ecstasy and tragedy and that time and trial strengthened a couple, who would do anything for his little lady- and did. This is from a guy who thought he would have his relationship no matter what, and now it's shattered under him. There is not a more humbling, depressing, humiliating experience than to lose someone so swiftly. Even though I think that our love was more pure than doves, I know this story has been told a thousand times on this forum, by an untold number of other dove loves. Thank you everyone for sharing your stories. Comradery of broken heart is strangely warming and encouraging, and how therapeutic is this to put it on the internet til the end of time. I won't comment about any of this. It's heartbreaking to read. You're a beautiful writer of a tragedy of a story. You're a beautiful person. I hope to one day meet a man who is this, for me. I don't think you could have done anything better. You couldn't have shown her you cared any more than you have. She just didn't appreciate you for what you have to offer. Edited July 24, 2012 by KatZee
PoppyLove89 Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 You are a beautiful and emotive writer. I really feel for you... It wasn't fair the way your ex ended things but my guess is, just as everyone else has said, that this wasn't decided on a whim - she's probably been planning it for a long time. You've done everything you could have done. Now it's time for you to move on and heal but don't worry, you are not alone! 99% of the people on this forum have been in a heartbreak situation, myself included. Truth & time tell all. Hang in there
fificremefarben Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 I can't add anything that hasn't already been said, but know that I agree largely with the advice and counsel you have already been given. Your post really moved me and resonates with me in many ways due to my own particular breakup. My heart breaks for you. You seem like a lovely, genuine person who put their heart entirely in the hands of another thinking that everything would work out. All I can offer on top of what everyone else has said is that it is time, despite what you might think in the early stages, that really is the key to healing. Just know that you won't feel this way this time next year. You might not be completely healed, but you'll be a big step further forward. Chin up x
pathetic1999 Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 This is beautiful and I read a post such as this and think I thought the same thing of my relationship, I was the one friends came to with issues and felt so lucky my BF was so wonderful he was proud of us too and would talk about our wonderful romantic relationship. IN fact three months prior to our break up he wrote in a card that it was just the beginning of our journey and so much more love was to come then whamo he walks out. I feel your pain, and I wish I had words for you that could help. Time has helped me somewhat but I still want him back, I wish he were you! I wish he felt about me like you do about her, why is it always that way?? I am so sorry this is happening to you. And btw I don't think this only happens to girls my Ex was 26 (almost 27) and he left because he was confused with his life and identity crisis or whatever.
biogirl05 Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 I know how you feel. A similar thing has just happened to me except it was my bf who left, and he moved to another country for a job. We were together four 1/2 years. I could have stayed with him forever and I miss him like my heart is cut out.
AlexanderJames Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 She will come crawling back mate. She's trying to do everything she can to block out the emotions that you are letting in. You're doing the best thing for you. Allowing yourself to hurt, to feel, to cry. And putting into words on the internet is a great way of venting so pat yourself on the back. Meanwhile she's out there, doing everything she can NOT to face these feelings. Thinking that ignorance is bliss and life will be fine. But experience tells us all that we cannot run from our feelings and emotions like that. One day, sooner or later, everything you are feeling now, all the emotions, all the shock and awe is going to hit her and hit her hard. All she is doing is postponing her hurt whereas your right into working through it. It happened to me, my ex, other peoples ex's. Just focus on you now mate. Life is about you now, your battles, your victories, your rewards. No one elses. Best of luck.
Pod81 Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 Believe it or not, it seems like you are handling this breakup pretty well considering it's only been a week out. Simply put, this girl just didn't have the capacity to love like you did and it is absolutely no reflection of how you were as a boyfriend. You could have been Prince Charming with an 8-pack and it wouldn't have made a difference. 1
Author Floored Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 It's both such an extreme pleasure and a humbling experience to see all these responses; while I usually hate pulling attention, I appreciate it here. Last night, we finally talked and she sounded horribly angry; perhaps we weren't ready to talk, I'm sure she'd prefer to talk just a little bit every now and then for the next months, but the longer I am out of it, the more I really won't want to even think of her. I think she thinks I'm going to try to get her back, since I spent so much effort every day of our relationship to win her heart over. But that's done. I know she's going places and that alone I am glad for, but now that she's going places without me, I don't want to know about it. It's not that I want her to fail, but I don't want to hear about her successes and her happiness now that I'm not part of it. AlexanderJames nailed it, all the emotions and troubles I've dealt with every minute of every day came swelling up for her, and where I had been dealing with it from day one, she just started to pick through; I don't doubt that she was going through something separate as well, but the scope of who we were and how we're not anything now must have hinted itself to her. I was kind of glad that what we had was worth enough to have that kind of strong emotional response, I was worried she would be completely apathetic. She chose this, she walked out, and now she's alone to deal with it; I don't care if she suckers up and finds a body to keep her warm through the night, she's still alone, that guy won't care to know her or comfort her. I'm glad I can vent here, putting something in writing requires a formal thought process that finds and puts words to feelings, and putting it here allows feedback from people who are past the mud I'm swimming through. To flesh out a bit more of who we are, even though I risk being found by a really good googling: we are both in the healthcare field; I tutored her in many classes before realizing I had a thing for her. Her degree leads directly into her field, whereas I am hoping to use my degree to lead to a doctoral level. I suppose gamble might be a word she'd use for it because it's so competetive, and apparently she would prefer an established doctor, but the real challenge for me with getting in is getting the benjamins in order for it. I hate to say it, but I was really banking on the fact that after she was done with school, I'd get some relief on my financial front after we got married. That was a BIG mistake. 1
Radu Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 What you just said adds a new dimension to it, financial and what you did for her. She used you, had her fill, got herself a degree with your help, and now she went for the greener grass. She is an user. We are all users in a way and i think it's impossible for us to not get GIGS in life at some point in our interactions with ppl. But ppl like her tend to constantly go for the greener grass, tend to be constant users. You are way better off.
Author Floored Posted July 27, 2012 Author Posted July 27, 2012 Radu, when I first posted my story and you said GIGS, I didn't know and didn't search the forum right away. It was after the second time that you mentioned it that I finally did search it, and this: G.I.G.S. (Grass is Greener Syndrome) and Rebound Relationships was really hard but a relief to read. Also, what's your story? I've been trying to find a thread from you detailing your own heartbreak, is there one?
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