Crap! Looked @ his FB page!

[MissBee]

Thx.

 

I've deactivated my account. I didn't FB tons anyways. And you're right I did get that vibe that it was a charade (as he play acts extremely well) and he did put his "best on display". He didn't FB tons either, so him broadcasting his number, his 'single' status, and the pic with the million dollar smile and the outfit I always complimented him on (hmmm), could or couldn't be a front.

 

I keep thinking that folk are like me in that I try my best to ALWAYS keep it real. My pics on FB were a true depiction of my life. I didn't make FB my diary or sounding board, but for my "friends" (mostly family) who did and if I decided to comment, I'd always try and do so with compassion and empathy.

 

I try to be honest with people, I'm compassionate, empathetic and sympathetic and too doggone trusting. Again, I keep thinking everybody is nice, kind, has the other person's best interest at heart, etc. And that's just not the case. I'm learning that the hard way.

 

I promise, I'm not faking, I really didn't know the game. But I'll be doggone if I ain't learning A LOT!!!!!

 

Better to learn late than never.

 

I don't want to say you need to be cynical, but trust is something that should be given based on your keen observation. You give out and pull back trust with friends, family, romantic partners, based on what you see. You can't assume everyone is nice, has your best interest at heart, or worse, their motives for doing things are exactly as yours.

 

You have to give people a chance to show themselves and to also believe what they show you...and determine to trust/not trust based on that.

 

He can play this charade by himself. Great for you that you deactivated, now it's time to purge yourself of this man. You're in counseling, you're here on LS and you deactivated FB, so you're on the right track hon!

[Stellar Wench]

CBT?

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

 

My assessment is based upon your posts as a whole here and beyond. You are unable to get over him because you remain fixated on him, and checking out his FB is more proof of that. CBT will help you with your fixation.

[TrebleClef]

When someone becomes so unhinged that parental involvement is required, that is not normal. The FB stalking is minor.

 

Her counsellor seems no better at therapy than the armchair psychologists found on advice fora. OP needs CBT and medication.

 

Stellarwench what are you talking about "parental involvement" and "unhinged"? Now, I'm unhinged and need medication?!?

 

Wow.

[hurting tonight]

So am I to. One I always tried to stay away from was my MM FB. I never wanted to read or see anything that would hurt me. FB imo can be so hurtful. Good for you for deactivating your account.

[MissBee]

There are people who've come here that I do believe probably are unhinged and do need meds; but, Treble doesn't come off that way to me. She is no more looney than most who come here diustraught after the break up of a toxic relationship. Post-breakup insanity is real lol and laughable once you're on the other side. So long as you aren't seriously harming yourself or others and doing illegal things, then you are fine.

 

I personally knew I about lost my mind when my ex and I broke up...it was temporary though. I wasn't unhinged. I was ridiculous but not unhinged. I wasn't violent, suicidal or anything alarming. I just had delusional thinking and I did obsess over him and check his FB and read into it and other embarrassing things. But it all blew over and I came back to my senses. Treble is in therapy, that already is a responsible step in the right direction. I'm sure if she were truly unhinged, her therapist would pick up on it and would refer her elsewhere.

[TrebleClef]

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

 

My assessment is based upon your posts as a whole here and beyond. You are unable to get over him because you remain fixated on him, and checking out his FB is more proof of that. CBT will help you with your fixation.

 

Please, I'm a woman in love who got played. He's the only man I know sexually which makes it sting just a little more for me. I was naive and didn't have a clue how to play the game and got ganked. Simple as that. I'm very analytical and literal which makes it just a little harder (IMO) for me to grasp and accept the harsh reality that I got sheisted...and good.

 

I didn't die, I didn't become unhinged (contrary to your analysis). Just became obsessed only with wanting to know why, is all.

 

I'm hurt, and there it is. Looked at his FB page once. No intention of doing it again (as my account is deactivated anyways).

[Stellar Wench]

She has posts on gloryb that indicate that she's far more troubled than she lets on here.

She needs help!

[TrebleClef]

There are people who've come here that I do believe probably are unhinged and do need meds; but, Treble doesn't come off that way to me. She is no more looney than most who come here diustraught after the break up of a toxic relationship. Post-breakup insanity is real lol and laughable once you're on the other side. So long as you aren't seriously harming yourself or others and doing illegal things, then you are fine.

 

I personally knew I about lost my mind when my ex and I broke up...it was temporary though. I wasn't unhinged. I was ridiculous but not unhinged. I wasn't violent, suicidal or anything alarming. I just had delusional thinking and I did obsess over him and check his FB and read into it and other embarrassing things. But it all blew over and I came back to my senses. Treble is in therapy, that already is a responsible step in the right direction. I'm sure if she were truly unhinged, her therapist would pick up on it and would refer her elsewhere.

 

EXACTLY!! Neither am I....suicidal, unhinged, or daffy.

 

Like I said in my reply to stellarwench, I'm just a woman in love who has been ganked tremendously. And acted a fool b/c of it. I didn't stalk his FB page, I looked once. It hurt like hell, I won't look ever again (thanks for the deactivation advice).

[MissBee]

She has posts on gloryb that indicate that she's far more troubled than she lets on here.

She needs help!

 

I haven't seen those posts so I can only judge based on what I see here.

[jwi71]

She has posts on gloryb that indicate that she's far more troubled than she lets on here.

She needs help!

 

The irony of your posts to her and your knowledge of her gloryb posts (if true)...

[TrebleClef]

She has posts on gloryb that indicate that she's far more troubled than she lets on here.

She needs help!

 

Yes, I have posted on Gloryb and still do. I've posted on another site as well. I seek/sought out feedback/advice from all three sites. That's how confused, desperate to know and jacked up I was/am behind this man.

 

I've asked the same questions there as I have here.

[TrebleClef]

The irony of your posts to her and your knowledge of her gloryb posts (if true)...

 

Yes, it's true. I posted/post on Gloryb.

[TrebleClef]

Yes, it's true. I posted/post on Gloryb.

 

The consensus is the same. He's manipulative. I need to get over it, move on, seek counseling.

[alexandria35]

He proposed back in college, he disappeared, he found me years later, he professed his undying love for me, he pursued me, he lied to me, he dumped me, he came back, I ask questions, he ignored, he showed up at my door, he dumped me, he came back, he bought me lavish gifts, he dumped me, he requested 'friends' on FB, I don't accept, he came back, he showed up at my church, I ask questions, he dumped me, he text/called, he showed up at events our group performed at, he dumped me, he came back, he apologized for all the lies, he professed undying love again, I ask questions, he dumped me, he came back, he divorced, he proposed, he says I'm the woman for him, he professed undying love, I asked a question, he ignores, he walks away, I follow, lift his head up (I did not grab his face), he dumps me, he tells me to move on with my life, I'm not the woman for him after all.

 

Yes, I was a damned fool for taking him back each time, that's on me. Now, I will say if I'm obsessed (not) it's with trying to know why the hell he did all this to me. My biggest problem is trying to figure things out. I just have to know why, why, why and that's my downfall.

 

From that first email when he found me after college all the way to that proposal he's had an agenda to scam me (IMO). He went to such extreme and for what? Even to the point of proposing?! Why play with my emotions like that? Again, what was the point? I'm not rich, I stopped intimacy once I found out the truth, so it wasn't that.

 

My therapist is not allowing me to fixate on him. Their strategy is to pinpoint the misunderstandings and fears we both had about each other. And to look at MY fears and why I allowed such torture from him and/or why I felt the need to look at his FB page that ONE time.

 

But you are asking the wrong whys? Your questions shouldn't be why he did this and why he did that. Question why why why you accepted this bad behavior over and over again. Finding the answer to that question is what will lead you to healing and growth. The answer to why he did what he did is actually very simple. He is an emotionaly unstable stunted human being. There are thousands like him out there and you can't change them so don't even bother. Since reading your posts here and elsewhere I don't think you are entirely honest with yourself or with others regarding who chases who. I also don't think your entirely emotionally stable either. That not a dig, anyone who participated in such a dysfunctional relationship cannot be unaffected by it, and I do think you over obsess about this guy and let yourself come unglued sometimes because you can't stop.

 

I think Stellar is refering to Cognitive Behaviour therapy when she said CBT. CBT is a great tool in helping people overcome negative irrational thinking that leads to keeping us stuck in one place in our lives. You don't have to be mentally ill, lots and lots of people have benefited from this therapy because many of us our victims of our own thinking. It's mostly about learning how to stop a negative thought in its tracks and stop going down the path that those negative thoughts will take you. Heres an overly simplistic example. You go to work one day and see a coworker in the lobby. As you pass him you say good morning to him but he doesn't respond back to you, as a matter of fact he gives you what looks like a dirty look to you and you are bewildered as to why he would do that. Through out the day everytime you think about that exchange it smarts and makes you feel bad. You go through your head trying to remember every encounter you have had with this person in the past trying to figure out what you did to make him respond that way to your cheery good morning greeting. Maybe you can recall something and maybe you can't but either way you let it eat at you and play on your mind. Over the next hours and days the more you think about it the more convinced you are that this coworker seriously dislikes you and you want to know why so you start making up reasons why in your head and eventually you settle on he must dislike you because you are friendly to his exwife and your ten pounds overweight. The more you think about it the more these thoughts become facts to you. They become beliefs and you have negative feelings attached to those beliefs. Now everytime you see this guy at work you feel negativity. You never say hello to him anymore because you know he can't stand you and now you don't like him either. I mean afterall how can you like someone who won't say hello to you just because you were friendly to his exwife and your 10 pounds overweight? THE JERK!!! It makes perfect sense to you to dislike him from now on.

 

But heres what really happened. The morning you saw him in the lobby of your office and called out a cheery good morning to him, he had just slammed his car door on his hand and he had 4 broken fingers and he was in excruciating pain. He was standing there waiting for his brother to pick him up to take him for xrays and being that he was so distracted by the pain of his broken hand that he looked at you but his brain didn't really register that you were there or had said something to him. The grimace you saw on his face was from pain and had not a single thing in the world to do with you. Here you have convinced yourself that this guy hates you and now you will be enemies forever and he doesn't even have any recollection of seeing you that morning. Now he is actually bewildered by why you are giving him the cold shoulder.

 

So that was a silly simple example of twisted negative thinking that can negatively impact our lives. I would say almost all of what other people do and how they behave have virtually nothing to with us personally. That's why it doesn't matter why your ex does what he does. It's how he behaves. He behaved that way with his partners before he met you and he will behave that way with the partners that come after you. It has nothing to do with you. It's who he is and that's all there is to it. And you hanging on and going back for more and more of the same actually has very little to do with him. It's who you are that makes you do that and he's just playing the part you need him to so you can act out your issues on him. You are two seperate individuals who are making your own choices to behave the way the two of you do but both of you want to blame the other and make it all about them instead of looking inside of yourselves.

[TrebleClef]

But you are asking the wrong whys? Your questions shouldn't be why he did this and why he did that. Question why why why you accepted this bad behavior over and over again. Finding the answer to that question is what will lead you to healing and growth. The answer to why he did what he did is actually very simple. He is an emotionaly unstable stunted human being. There are thousands like him out there and you can't change them so don't even bother. Since reading your posts here and elsewhere I don't think you are entirely honest with yourself or with others regarding who chases who. I also don't think your entirely emotionally stable either. That not a dig, anyone who participated in such a dysfunctional relationship cannot be unaffected by it, and I do think you over obsess about this guy and let yourself come unglued sometimes because you can't stop.

 

I think Stellar is refering to Cognitive Behaviour therapy when she said CBT. CBT is a great tool in helping people overcome negative irrational thinking that leads to keeping us stuck in one place in our lives. You don't have to be mentally ill, lots and lots of people have benefited from this therapy because many of us our victims of our own thinking. It's mostly about learning how to stop a negative thought in its tracks and stop going down the path that those negative thoughts will take you. Heres an overly simplistic example. You go to work one day and see a coworker in the lobby. As you pass him you say good morning to him but he doesn't respond back to you, as a matter of fact he gives you what looks like a dirty look to you and you are bewildered as to why he would do that. Through out the day everytime you think about that exchange it smarts and makes you feel bad. You go through your head trying to remember every encounter you have had with this person in the past trying to figure out what you did to make him respond that way to your cheery good morning greeting. Maybe you can recall something and maybe you can't but either way you let it eat at you and play on your mind. Over the next hours and days the more you think about it the more convinced you are that this coworker seriously dislikes you and you want to know why so you start making up reasons why in your head and eventually you settle on he must dislike you because you are friendly to his exwife and your ten pounds overweight. The more you think about it the more these thoughts become facts to you. They become beliefs and you have negative feelings attached to those beliefs. Now everytime you see this guy at work you feel negativity. You never say hello to him anymore because you know he can't stand you and now you don't like him either. I mean afterall how can you like someone who won't say hello to you just because you were friendly to his exwife and your 10 pounds overweight? THE JERK!!! It makes perfect sense to you to dislike him from now on.

 

But heres what really happened. The morning you saw him in the lobby of your office and called out a cheery good morning to him, he had just slammed his car door on his hand and he had 4 broken fingers and he was in excruciating pain. He was standing there waiting for his brother to pick him up to take him for xrays and being that he was so distracted by the pain of his broken hand that he looked at you but his brain didn't really register that you were there or had said something to him. The grimace you saw on his face was from pain and had not a single thing in the world to do with you. Here you have convinced yourself that this guy hates you and now you will be enemies forever and he doesn't even have any recollection of seeing you that morning. Now he is actually bewildered by why you are giving him the cold shoulder.

 

So that was a silly simple example of twisted negative thinking that can negatively impact our lives. I would say almost all of what other people do and how they behave have virtually nothing to with us personally. That's why it doesn't matter why your ex does what he does. It's how he behaves. He behaved that way with his partners before he met you and he will behave that way with the partners that come after you. It has nothing to do with you. It's who he is and that's all there is to it. And you hanging on and going back for more and more of the same actually has very little to do with him. It's who you are that makes you do that and he's just playing the part you need him to so you can act out your issues on him. You are two seperate individuals who are making your own choices to behave the way the two of you do but both of you want to blame the other and make it all about them instead of looking inside of yourselves.

 

Thx. I get you...really do.

 

No, I've been completely honest about who chased whom. Here and everywhere. I've always been forth coming if I initiated contact. I'd continue to accept his excuses etc after coming back from disappearing, but he'd be the one to show up out the blue.

 

As far as CBT goes I believe that IS what my therapist is channeling in on. The "why's" of MY behavior is what they're focusing on. I have been "diagnosed" as emotionally damaged but I am not unhinged, "crazy" or deranged (therapist's words). Nor do I need medication or shock treatment.

[alexandria35]

Thx. I get you...really do.

 

No, I've been completely honest about who chased whom. Here and everywhere. I've always been forth coming if I initiated contact. I'd continue to accept his excuses etc after coming back from disappearing, but he'd be the one to show up out the blue.

 

As far as CBT goes I believe that IS what my therapist is channeling in on. The "why's" of MY behavior is what they're focusing on. I have been "diagnosed" as emotionally damaged but I am not unhinged, "crazy" or deranged (therapist's words). Nor do I need medication or shock treatment.

 

LOL...I honestly didn't mean to imply that you are a crazy deranged person. Just that you are the victim of your own thoughts and actually anyone of us can go down that hole at anytime if we don't know how to stop it, which is why CBT is so helpful for people. We all let our own thoughts rule us to some degree and we all tend to believe our thoughts are actually facts when so often they are not. I also understand thinking obsessively about someone who has hurt you as I have been there. But truly you will never stumble across an answer to your questions about him that will satisfy you and make you stop thinking about him. The time you are spending on thinking about him is kind of time you are wasting and which could be put to better use

[Stellar Wench]

The irony of your posts to her and your knowledge of her gloryb posts (if true)...

I'm sorry you feel that way. I think it is difficult to offer productive advice if you don't know the full story.

[EmptyHeartGirl]

I did miss the point 'emptyheartgirl'. Got it now. FB deactivated.

 

I know, my obsession with the final fiasco bothers me too...honestly. I want to let it go, I swear. I want to move on quickly and easily. My mind won't let it go. I can't say "I love you" then "F-you," and mean them both, ALL within the same breath! I can't just hurt a person, WHOEVER it is, and just walk away like "F that B", and keep smiling all while going: "NEXT!"

 

But you're right, I KNOW I'm not a physical abuser, just like I KNOW I'm not an obsessive stalker. So like I told 'stellarwench' if they want to think that, fine...in dude's eyes I'm a physical abuser, in stellarwench's eyes I'm an obsessive stalker. There it is.

 

Thx Emptyheartgirl.

 

Good For you! You are already on your way! I do understand that you can not just turn off your feelings, it will definitely take time, but you have to be proactive in your efforts to move forward. It won;t be easy, nothing ever is, but it will get easier over time. Best of Luck!

[TrebleClef]

I'm sorry you feel that way. I think it is difficult to offer productive advice if you don't know the full story.

 

I've shared my story...full...on LS and Gloryb. What's your perception, Stellarwench, of the "full story"?

[TrebleClef]

LOL...I honestly didn't mean to imply that you are a crazy deranged person. Just that you are the victim of your own thoughts and actually anyone of us can go down that hole at anytime if we don't know how to stop it, which is why CBT is so helpful for people. We all let our own thoughts rule us to some degree and we all tend to believe our thoughts are actually facts when so often they are not. I also understand thinking obsessively about someone who has hurt you as I have been there. But truly you will never stumble across an answer to your questions about him that will satisfy you and make you stop thinking about him. The time you are spending on thinking about him is kind of time you are wasting and which could be put to better use

 

 

Oh, I know alexandria35. I just felt the need to reiterate (to stellarwench especially) that I'm not "off my rocker" in the context in which she implied. I know there HAS to be something wrong with me if I continued to allow, invite, and even inadvertently encourage his torment...and STILL want him to contact me??? Yeah, my emotional bread ain't baked fully....LOL!

 

You know, stellarwench is actually helping me. She deems me obsessive, unhinged and a minor stalker. I KNOW I am neither. I can't stop her from thinking it. I must let it go, move on.

 

Dude deems me a physical abuser. I KNOW I am not. I can't stop him from thinking it. I must let it go, move on. So...THANK YOU stellarwench! Real talk......

[TrebleClef]

I'm sorry you feel that way. I think it is difficult to offer productive advice if you don't know the full story.

 

Stellarwench, w/o giving TMI can u give me a hint as to who you are "elsewhere"?

[TrebleClef]

Why did I do that to myself?!?

 

I'm logged in to FB I get this notion to type in his name. His name is so unique that I only had to type two letters and there it was...his page. He's changed his profile pic to a more current pic, updated his status to single, and has his ph# on full display (so, not like him). He's smiling looking amazing on the pic and has on one of the outfits that I've always told him he looks amazing in.

 

It brought back every detail of his last dumping to the forefront. I replayed the entire scene from the proposal to my question, to his ignoring me/walking away, to me following him, lifting his head up, his accusation of me being a physical abuser to the "move on with your life, you're not the woman for me after all".

 

Help! Knock some sense into me! For goodness sakes why can't I move on as quickly and as easily as he seems to have done?!? I've tried mantras "He's a butthole, he's mean, he's manipulative" and "it was all a scam, you've been played woman" but it hasn't worked. I'm reading suggested literature, keeping busy, etc. yet I still had the urge to look at his FB page. I still want him to contact me.

 

Utter ridiculousness...I know.

 

Now, I'm a wreck again. I'm shaking and wondering how could he have been so cruel to me? Therapist states that contrary to what I believe (that that whole proposal scene was a charade of his) he was NOT play acting. Therapist said what I was seeing was how what he consciously wanted conflicted with his subconscious fears.

 

Please!! That fool wants what he wants when he wants and will do any and everything to get it, matters who gets hurt or trampled on. And if you dare question him or cross him about anything he rids himself of you, but not before backing up and trampling over you again and again!

 

...guess I DO ask too many questions...LOL!

[whichwayisup]

You're not crazy or coming unhinged. You are reacting from pain and heartache, many emotions.. It takes time to work through stuff. And, some people can handle it and process it better than others..Everybody has to work through their own stuff at their own pace, so don't let ANYBODY on here or at any other site make you feel bad or like you're crazy. You aren't stalking him, threatening him, wearing a diaper and driving around in stealth mode watching him 24/7!!

 

It's okay to ask lots of questions too..if it helps you work through this, then ask away!

 

Keep posting and keep on with the therapy. You can get through this and come out even stronger and wiser!

[TrebleClef]

You're not crazy or coming unhinged. You are reacting from pain and heartache, many emotions.. It takes time to work through stuff. And, some people can handle it and process it better than others..Everybody has to work through their own stuff at their own pace, so don't let ANYBODY on here or at any other site make you feel bad or like you're crazy. You aren't stalking him, threatening him, wearing a diaper and driving around in stealth mode watching him 24/7!!

 

It's okay to ask lots of questions too..if it helps you work through this, then ask away!

 

Keep posting and keep on with the therapy. You can get through this and come out even stronger and wiser!

 

Thanks 'whichwayisup' I needed to read that. I honestly know I'm not unhinged, crazy etc. But like I said, those descriptions are actually helping me realize I cannot control or change one's thoughts of me....including....him.