MrCastle Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 This idea came to me in answering another thread where I was in support of a guy who stopped texting a girl because she stopped texting him, even though in the initial stages, they were mutually contacting each other. Someone else opposed my stance, stating that a man should lead, so it's his job to contact first. Is that how it is? Should a man be the one to initiate everything? Ladies; if a man you were interested in suddenly stopped texting you, would you text him first? Or continue to hold out? Or would you assume he lost interest and move on? Men; if you find yourself always having to be the one to initiate contact, does it ever get old? Do you ever one day decide to go cold and see if she'll bite? Has it worked?
xpaperxcutx Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 From experience, the initial stages are always the guys who take the lead. My response is to always reciprocate. I nptice it's vetter for men tp do the chasing rather than the other way around.
USMCHokie Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 Men; if you find yourself always having to be the one to initiate contact, does it ever get old? Do you ever one day decide to go cold and see if she'll bite? Has it worked? Yes, it does get old, but I will never out of the blue go cold and try to get a reaction from her. I will continuing initiating until I notice a trend; at that point, I'll communicate this as a concern to her. This actually happened with one girl I dated a while back. She never initiated texts or calls for the first three weeks or so, but was always very prompt to respond. Then one day I was hanging out with her and just asked her straight up why she never texted me, and she said that she didn't want to "appear needy." I said poppycock. From then on, she initiated just as much as I did. Communication is key, and if communication doesn't work, then LAUNCH. You don't need to p*ssyfoot around with nonsense like that. 1
Author MrCastle Posted July 24, 2012 Author Posted July 24, 2012 Yes, it does get old, but I will never out of the blue go cold and try to get a reaction from her. I will continuing initiating until I notice a trend; at that point, I'll communicate this as a concern to her. This actually happened with one girl I dated a while back. She never initiated texts or calls for the first three weeks or so, but was always very prompt to respond. Then one day I was hanging out with her and just asked her straight up why she never texted me, and she said that she didn't want to "appear needy." I said poppycock. From then on, she initiated just as much as I did. Communication is key, and if communication doesn't work, then LAUNCH. You don't need to p*ssyfoot around with nonsense like that. Yeah I hear that. I don't think I could bring up the texting thing though. I just feel like she'll say to herself "wow, he's actually bothered by my lack of texting first? it's not that serious. he must have no life." It's one of those things where, it bothers me a great deal, as insignificant as it may seem, but I make it a point to act like it doesn't phase me one way or the other. I've experienced the same situation you did; a girl who always wrote back lengthy responses, not just one word answers, and she responded back quickly, but somedays I'd go without texting her and I always thought hmmm...how long can she continue without me? How long would I have to go no contact for her to send the first text? I just can't see a girl, not hearing from a guy she really likes for like a week's time and just letting him go. I would assume at some point, she'd break. I understand most girls don't text first most of the time, if at all; but are we really saying the girl would just let the guy walk because he didn't contact first? Even if he did those hundreds of other times?
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 If he asks for my number, I expect the text first. After initial contact I text when I want. It is not like if I don't hear back from him for a few hours, I wait a few hours. I find that silly. Sure, it is NICE getting texts first thing in the morning during the first few days, after things continue though, if I feel like talking to him: I do. If there comes a trend where I can see him losing interest, then I usually slack off because I tend to lose interest as well.
xpaperxcutx Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 So what youre suggesting is that a girl should text a guy to keep him around? I had this happen to me accouple of times, even when I do initiate, a guy will walk because he's not interested. Its not a game and the change is so sudden its hard to fathom. Why do you want a girl t chase you? If you truly like her you wouldn't bother to make it a game.
USMCHokie Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 (edited) Yeah I hear that. I don't think I could bring up the texting thing though. I just feel like she'll say to herself "wow, he's actually bothered by my lack of texting first? it's not that serious. he must have no life." A girl who thinks or says this is not interested. No exceptions. It's one of those things where, it bothers me a great deal, as insignificant as it may seem, but I make it a point to act like it doesn't phase me one way or the other. The thing is, it is a big deal, as it directly reflects her personality and her interest in you. If she was interested but never wanted to initiate, then I don't want to deal with it. What seems like such a minor thing will eventually snowball into huge personality incompatibilities. If she normally initiates but doesn't, then you're simply not on her mind because she's not interested. You can act all tough and "manly," but at the end of the day, her lack of initiating correspondence is very telling. Acting like it doesn't phase you only reflects insecurity on your part, because you're worried about what she might think of you communicating and bringing up an issue that bothers you... If I'm dating a girl, I expect her to put in her share of the effort and show some interest in me; and that includes initiating correspondence. If she can't or won't do that, then she can go pound sand for all I care. And I will be certain to let her know that. Edited July 24, 2012 by USMCHokie 2
Author MrCastle Posted July 24, 2012 Author Posted July 24, 2012 So what youre suggesting is that a girl should text a guy to keep him around? I had this happen to me accouple of times, even when I do initiate, a guy will walk because he's not interested. Its not a game and the change is so sudden its hard to fathom. Why do you want a girl t chase you? If you truly like her you wouldn't bother to make it a game. But at some level this **** gets annoying. It really does. The man is expected to -approach (and face rejection) -get her number and text her (and risk her not answering) -set up the date (and risk her flaking/rejecting) -putting himself out there and contacting her every time (while not knowing where she stands because she never texts back first) at what point is a woman supposed to show her interest? where does she put herself out there?
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 A girl who thinks or says this is not interested. No exceptions. Well, either that or they won't be interested much longer. There is such a thing as texting too much and being overbearing too soon when first dating. I am 100% turned off by a man that is upset when I don't text back right away. To ME, it comes off clingy, and it sets the tone for the rest of the never-to-exist relationship.
xpaperxcutx Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 To clarify if a guy I'm seeing has initiated to an extent that I'm comfortable texting with him, I know I have the go ahead to text him whenever I want. It isn't that I don't bother to text a guy first its just so far, every gut I have a good relationship with be it a friend or otherwise, they have always initiated first from yhe beginning.
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 But at some level this **** gets annoying. It really does. The man is expected to -approach (and face rejection) -get her number and text her (and risk her not answering) -set up the date (and risk her flaking/rejecting) -putting himself out there and contacting her every time (while not knowing where she stands because she never texts back first) at what point is a woman supposed to show her interest? where does she put herself out there? This is an interesting concept, and I am going out on a limb to go so far as to say that once a woman DOES show her interest, it tends to be very strong, and emotionally very risky business. This however can be caused by the idea that men do not get as emotionally attached as quick as women. Meh, I ask men out, and I tend to put myself out there as much as possible, but for the most part it is true that the man does risk more.
Author MrCastle Posted July 24, 2012 Author Posted July 24, 2012 You can act all tough and "manly," but at the end of the day, her lack of initiating correspondence is very telling. Acting like it doesn't phase you only reflects insecurity on your part, because you're worried about what she might think of you communicating and bringing up an issue that bothers you... If I'm dating a girl, I expect her to put in her share of the effort and show some interest in me; and that includes initiating correspondence. If she can't or won't do that, then she can go pound sand for all I care. And I will be certain to let her know that. But the problem is, some girls think like the one in your story, she thought she would come across as needy if she texted first. Sometimes it's not a matter of interest, it's running into a girl like that who thinks the man has to do everything 24/7. She may be interested, but will refuse to text you. If I text a girl and she's late on her responses, or "busy", or gives short answers, I know where I stand--but girls who keep the convo going, ask questions, give detailed answers, and seem genuinely happy to hear from you--but never contact first, boggle my mind. If they really want to keep the good times going, wouldn't they, at some point, reach out first?
USMCHokie Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 Well, either that or they won't be interested much longer. There is such a thing as texting too much and being overbearing too soon when first dating. I am 100% turned off by a man that is upset when I don't text back right away. To ME, it comes off clingy, and it sets the tone for the rest of the never-to-exist relationship. I agree, it is definitely possible to text too much. I don't text very much early on though, so that general "rule" works for me...I guess I should have caveated that...
Author MrCastle Posted July 24, 2012 Author Posted July 24, 2012 Well, either that or they won't be interested much longer. There is such a thing as texting too much and being overbearing too soon when first dating. I am 100% turned off by a man that is upset when I don't text back right away. To ME, it comes off clingy, and it sets the tone for the rest of the never-to-exist relationship. See Hokie? 1
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 I agree, it is definitely possible to text too much. I don't text very much early on though, so that general "rule" works for me...I guess I should have caveated that... Note taken.
xpaperxcutx Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 But at some level this **** gets annoying. It really does. The man is expected to -approach (and face rejection) -get her number and text her (and risk her not answering) -set up the date (and risk her flaking/rejecting) -putting himself out there and contacting her every time (while not knowing where she stands because she never texts back first) at what point is a woman supposed to show her interest? where does she put herself out there? I understand. I always say I'm one of those virls who goes after what she wants. Ive done what most guys have done, initiate, set up dates, call etc. I'm really assertive. But so far it has gotten me nowhere because apparently some men feel feminized by my approach. I suppose all you're really asking is a middle ground. so I toned down my assertiveness.
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 See Hokie? Don't just take my word though, I tend to be the out of the norm woman around here. I am sure TONS of women feel the same way about guys. My girlfriend for example would always vent to me about how the new guy she was dating took forEVER to text back. Granted, because of me she never told him such, it definitely bugged the crap out of her. Not my style, but she hated it and ended things. So I guess all you men out there are screwed no matter what!
USMCHokie Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 But the problem is, some girls think like the one in your story, she thought she would come across as needy if she texted first. Sometimes it's not a matter of interest, it's running into a girl like that who thinks the man has to do everything 24/7. She may be interested, but will refuse to text you. If I text a girl and she's late on her responses, or "busy", or gives short answers, I know where I stand--but girls who keep the convo going, ask questions, give detailed answers, and seem genuinely happy to hear from you--but never contact first, boggle my mind. If they really want to keep the good times going, wouldn't they, at some point, reach out first? Which is why I have no issue communicating this with the girl, face-to-face, if this becomes a trend over an extended period of time. In my story, the girl filled me in on her thought process and why she didn't initiate, and we resolved that issue. It's not so much the issue itself, but the resolution of the issue. If when I brought it up, she had thrown a hissy fit and accused me of being ridiculous, LAUNCH. I have expectations, but they are reasonable. Like I said, 24 hours is acceptable for correspondence, even a text. But she only gets one...
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 I really think it is nerve wracking on both ends. We all both worry about the same thing... them not texting back, you texting too much, them thinking you aren't interested for NOT texting back quick enough... We all have those worries, what it comes down to is who has the guts to just go for it and see the outcome.
USMCHokie Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 See Hokie? Ummm, no I don't...she addressed something completely different...response time to texts is not the same as taking the initiative to text first... I am sure TONS of women feel the same way about guys. My girlfriend for example would always vent to me about how the new guy she was dating took forEVER to text back. Granted, because of me she never told him such, it definitely bugged the crap out of her. Not my style, but she hated it and ended things. So I guess all you men out there are screwed no matter what! The underlying issue isn't necessarily the ridiculousness associated with texting. It's those people, like your girlfriend, who sit on issues and never communicate them to the other person. They eventually grow miserable and resentful because they didn't have the balls to communicate. And that's all the "texting games" in the OP are...bullsh*t nonsense because the person doesn't have the balls to communicate.
Author MrCastle Posted July 24, 2012 Author Posted July 24, 2012 Which is why I have no issue communicating this with the girl, face-to-face, if this becomes a trend over an extended period of time. In my story, the girl filled me in on her thought process and why she didn't initiate, and we resolved that issue. It's not so much the issue itself, but the resolution of the issue. If when I brought it up, she had thrown a hissy fit and accused me of being ridiculous, LAUNCH. I have expectations, but they are reasonable. Like I said, 24 hours is acceptable for correspondence, even a text. But she only gets one... The reason I'm especially bothered by it is because I'm a 24 year old. I deal with girls my age. I knowhow girls my age are with phones. For ****'s sake, some of them bring chargers to class and charge them during class! They are glued to these things 24/7. They walk around campus looking down at them, I can't remember the last time I saw a 20 something girl on campus without a phone in front of her face or ear buds in her ears. So for her to 1.) not answer a text within a reasonable amount of time and/or 2.) never think to initiate contact is enough to get my blood boiling. It is far and away my biggest pet peeve in this circle jerk we call the "dating world".
Author MrCastle Posted July 24, 2012 Author Posted July 24, 2012 Ummm, no I don't...she addressed something completely different...response time to texts is not the same as taking the initiative to text first... She mentioned she would get creeped out if a guy made it an issue and brought it up, which has always been my fear when covering this matter. I don't want to seem like some desperate needy loser who needs his ego stroked. As much as the texting stuff bothers me, I've never brought it up with any girl. Ever.
xpaperxcutx Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 We're basically in the same age group and as a college student attached to her phone I can honestly say I don't respond to every message and guy the same. You're reading way too much into this.
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 She mentioned she would get creeped out if a guy made it an issue and brought it up, which has always been my fear when covering this matter. I don't want to seem like some desperate needy loser who needs his ego stroked. As much as the texting stuff bothers me, I've never brought it up with any girl. Ever. This is all case by case basis though. As I said, I am not a texter. I work like crazy and when I am not I am sometimes too lazy to respond. You really have to read the person you are dating. It isn't a right in your face thing, you learn from taking the chance in the first place. I may not text back right away, but once I do, I at least have the courtesy of giving an explanation. 1
USMCHokie Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 She mentioned she would get creeped out if a guy made it an issue and brought it up, which has always been my fear when covering this matter. I don't want to seem like some desperate needy loser who needs his ego stroked. As much as the texting stuff bothers me, I've never brought it up with any girl. Ever. Fundamental incompatibility. Easy day. So what about the next issue that bothered you about a girl? Gonna sweep that one under the rug too? I'm probably the most laid back guy you'll ever meet, and I let almost everything slide, because I frankly don't get bothered by very many things...but there are just certain basic things I'd expect from someone I was dating.
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