plantgirl Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 (edited) Hi Everyone, This is going to be quite a long post sorry! Well here it goes I have dated my now new ex boy friend for about 9 months. The beginning of our relationship was like a dream come true. We wanted to see each other every chance we could, we even talked about how we were meant for each other, true loves. We would spend every waking moment together. I know this sounds sappy, but I got out of an abusive 6 year relationship 2 years ago, but that relationship ending i dealt with better than this one, and i just do not know why I cannot get over this one. Even though im 23, I have only dated seriously twice my entire life, I do not date and pursue something unless I really feel its worth it. no fun no games, just love. Sorry, back to the story, my ex was a friend of my brothers from back home, he went to community college and Im currently as a senior at a university, he is 2 years younger than me too. I kept seeing him around and after a year or two of seeing him randomly, and talking, i finally took the first tep to talk to him because one day i felt that was jealous that i talked to another guy, so i randomly messaged him on fb, and thats were our relationship blossomed. I mean for a while our whole age thing bothered me but in time I saw real maturity from him and it never bothered me after that. As our relationship progressed I felt like the more we fell in love. Everything I did seemed to be so cute to him, and we were extremely physically attracted to each other. He was the first guy I threw myself at for his looks, and his personality was not to bad either. he treated me well for most of our relationship. I loved everything about him he was a gentleman, he was what i thought i wanted, someone who will talk to me, we had more of a friendship than a relationship at first, we wanted to get to know each other though things were moving fast, but i loved it, we confessed that we felt like we were meant to be, we were each others true love, but eventually we knew it was just that beginning rush of love. As time went on we still were in love, i would see him on the weekends when i would come back home and we always had a blast with one another, time always seemed to go by to fast, we would even be so depressed when the other had to go. I was busy working in a research lab and he was back at home doing whatever at home at community college. I was unsure if my brother would be ok with us since we kept it a secret, but eventually i told him, that he had to tell him and my brother who seemed ok with it, he said just take care of her and that he was the one who liked his sister so just know if he messes up dont be surprised if my brother goes after him. Our relationship once in the open was a surprise to alot of people but i would soon figure out why which I will explain later. We began to develop a routine, everyday we would go about our business while texting each other random things happening in our day, and then at night we would skype, every single night until our break up. I know this sounds sad but I loved it he was always there for me via skype. I never pressured him into skyping with me but it was something we always did we wanted to see each other, I can honestly say I was a really reasonable girlfriend, I didn't care what he did as long as he would come home to be i mean not cheating of course. my brother did get mad at him this one time when he asked him not to get drunk, my brother hates seeing me having to care for someone because he said he should man up and no his limit and not have me carrying him around, since im 5'1 and hes 5'9 throughout our relationship i would drive every week if not more to see him as much as i could, it was hard to just do all the driving since i lived 1hr 30 away but i did it because i loved him Until eventually he started to feel as though I didn't care and i told him i do its just that i dont mind what he does he wished i told him no when i wanted to but i told him i would when i wanted to which wasnt most of the time. Until later I found out from my brother that at a party he was hugging one of his close friends that was a girl because she was going through a bad break up i was jealous but i didnt mention it until he was with her until 4am studying at his parents house for a midterm, he told me they were just in the study room and his mom was home so i knew he was being honest. after i told him i really did like it he started to distance himself from her. then i guess my issue was a guy at my university liked me too he was someone i was attracted to but not someone i would leave my boyfriend at the time for but this guy really made it clear he liked me which i never took any of his advances, and one day my boyfriend came to visit and came to one of my lectures and realized how this guy would wait for me after class and realized he was a very attracted guy which he admitted himself, he asked me if i found of attractive and i said he was ok, but he kept asking and i did not want to lie so i said yes, after a while he started being really giving me a hard time even though i told him i did not like him at all. its something i cant help and i was sorry i told him i would no longer communicate with him but he told me it was ok he was fine. then one night when i went to grab lunch with this guy who i forgot to mention was also in the research lab i was in, and some other lab mates and nothing happend i didnt sit next to him or anything, that night my bf at the time got really drunk and broke up with me. I was so confused and upset i drove down back to my home town during a extremely rainy day and waited for him in my car, until 5 hours later he woke up from his drunkness pulled me inside and apologized and hugged me and told me he would never do this again to hurt me, he knew i was tired and he knew i had am 8am class but at the time i wanted him i loved him so i couldnt let him go i loved him, he knew it and he was a sweet heart after that. Things were smooth until i guess summer came around, i lost communication with alot of my guy friends, which meant i didnt have alot of friends because my friends always tend to be guys anyways, and he with his girlfriends because we respected each other enough not too. never was an issue. but the girl he comforted about his ex she wasnt much of a problem she even mentioned how he doesnt even hang out with her anymore but then random he would hang out with her and several other friends i was always concerned about her but he always defended her and told me she was just a friend he did not find her attractive what so ever and he swore he didnt. i am going to believe him on that because they were around people who would tell my brother if anything happened and he swore he didnt and said i can check his fb and gave me his pw so i assumed ok and plus she lived close to him and she was the one who would drive him to school he also once went on my fb and read some old messaged about a guy i use to like but nothing happened between us just he liked me i liked him he never showed up for our date and ignored me and i write this to my roommate last summer, so it was very old, and he got mad because the details i told him werent the same as in what i said i told him its been a year so just because the what i told him word for word isnt the same doesnt mean its the same idea. so i realized he was jealous, until one day i went on his fb bc he left it on and he had a convo with a friend which was a girl about me then about sex and i got so upset like i said earlier we lost communication with the opposite sex for each other and after that no problem. but we almost broke up a few more times after that because he couldnt give up doing a drug called E, i told him i did not like it and he said he would never but i keep hearing from people if he did and he said he did and he was sorry and i told hm if he did it again we were over, and welp he did it again, and i wanteed to end it but i coudlnt, he apologized and said he loved me and that if i could give him another chance so i did, and we were fine from then on. he left his job for another job around may, and this job required him to work crazy hours like 4pm until 1-2am. and this was when things started to get rocky, i was on summer break and wanted to see him but i couldnt because he was working all the time and despite my ages my parents are really strict so i coudlnt come see him on the weekends and stay over like i use to because im living with my parents until i start school in late sept. he started drinking with his coworkers really late and would come home around 4,5,6 am and i started getting upset, telling him he could at least pick up his phone or something, and one night he got mad at me bc i texted his friend if he was ok bc i didnt hear from him from 10pm until 7am. but after that incident things were fine then his mom left out of town for a month and he started having house parties all the time and all this stuff and i coudlnt go or be there bc of my parents and and he was always with the girl who lived near him bc he said she was nothing more than a friend, i mean my brother would go to these parties and never mentioned anything so i knew it was true. and then july comes around two weeks in, he started being quite distant, he would always ask to skype but then said he was to tired to talk and didnt want to talk at all, which i got upset about because he could go out all night after work and hang but not even talk to me for a bit, it started becoming a routine like why dont utalk to me hes like because im tired, and then he started going out alot, having house parties, getting back to me late, until finally i came to his house, and i told him, i did not want to be in a relationship were i feel like hes not invested, if he loved me he would change and he said he would, he told me to go find hobbies and i told him i have hobbies but once it was 12am-3am which is around the time we ususaly skype bc we dont sleep early, thats why i dont do much at the time and i just want his attention. i got mad at him again, and he said he didnt want to deal with it he just said whatever u want ill do, and we were fine. until the day where i got into a minor accident on the way to picking him up from work because my parents actually let me out that day bc i was with my brother, he seemed to be totally unconcerned about the accident, i asked him once i got to him to help me find the police report the officer gave me and he just saying im dizzy can we just find it once i take him back home. i told him to hurry bc i wasnt sure if the car was ok but i needed to get back to the party, once i got back my brother was furious and blamed my bf at the time bc he was the reason why i drove so late to get him bc it was 11pm. the entire drive my bf was getting anooyed me bc i kept driving slow bc i was scared and was like why r u mad and etc. once i got into the house where the party was happening my brother was just not having it, him my bf at the time and another friend went to look at it and my bf at the time kept saying it was that big of a deal, but my brother knew it was. once we got it estimated it was 3000g. my brother was so upset once i got back to the party only seeing my bf that short point, my brother wanted to leave, my bf did nothing to comfort me while i was at the party during that 10 minutes while i was just freakinng out, and once i was leaving he was like oh ur leaving too and i told hiim to wait for me, he hugged me slighty and pecked me on the check and rushed off as he did i told him to wait for me and he said no bc there is only a few minutes left until they stop selling alcohol because it was around 1 48am. i said no please wait and he said i really have to go and i said fine, i was 10 feet behind him the entire time as he laughed and joked around with the guy who was driving to get the beer while i was crying behind him the entire time. he did not look back once, he just kept joking and having fun, and i stood there as they did not seem to even rush to get the beer he could of walked with me but he didnt, my brother and i got into the car and my brother was furious he said he wasnt made at me or anyone but hes just mad of why i had to drive so late and why i have to keep picking him up and i said bc hes my bf that is a given, hes like not only that but he did even care he just kept saying it was fine and all he wanted to do was rush off and drink. i didnt say a word back to my bro because i knew he was right. my bf at the time gave almost no effort in comforting me besides r u ok once during the car drive, he didnt even bother to call me until i got home which was a good 30 minutes later asking i hope ur ok and im sorry he sent 3 messages and left it at that but i was way to upset to even respond he knew my parents were furious at me and i was mad that he didnt even bother to call me to check up the next day he called 3 times but im passive aggressive and i did not pick up and ignored his calls and text which said good morning and he hoped i was better, but i still ignored it because i just felt that he could of just called me while he was at the party, just a simple phone call, instead of 3 lowsy messages, and left it at that with a goodnight bc i did not respond, he ended up drinking all night and stayed up late, and called me and texted me again just 3 messages like good morning i hope ur ok, and he then called me 3 times but i was too upset still, and then he sent a text saying, are you serious lol, a few hours after that last text i sent him an angry messaged saying how inconsiderate he was, how strangers did a better job at comforting me, how could he just leave me alone how he couldnt just call me and waited until the next day to make sure i was ok, how drinking was his priority and how my brother felt like he didnt care, he did not respond for 3 days after my message and i realized maybe i was a bit harsh, so texted him i was really sorry for that i said, and i did not no how we got to where we didnt talk to each other and that i was harsh and i asked him when he was free i would like to see him again to resolve the issue and save our relationship he didnt respond so i called him and he answered, i said i was sorry he said its ok i asked if he was mad he said he wasnt, then out of no where he said he wanted a a short break because it was better for us, and said he was going ot ahng up now, i called him straight 5 minutes and texted him saying please define what he meant by a break, i said i didnt want the break and i said please just tell me why u want a break i asked if he was single if i was, he never responded, after two days i went insane, and i sent him a messaged saying i missed him and i regretted what i have done and i cant eat nor think and i want us to work and to please give me another chance, and nothing, i felt as though i was dying i coudlnt do anything those 3 days after that messaged was horrifying i coudlnt eat sleep think function until friday he called me at 540am saying he just got home from a party asking me how i was and telling me hes been going thru alot, and he felt asleep, i started shaking crying i was so happy but i told him i was ok and that nothing new happend with me, the next day i asked if i could see him and he said ok so i came to see him i forgot ot mention i moved not to long ago from the same hometown where he is to a new place which was 30 minutes away, i picked him up from work and he had a huge smile on his face we talked and he was sweet and sincere i wrote him an apology card, i felt it was werid that instead of going to his house to change he wanted to go to a park near his house, and i gave him an apology card about how i was sorry and about how i cant wait for us to start anew and how i would never do what i did. he turned to me and said our feelings werent mutually. and i just broke down for a good half hour, he stayed in the car, i looked over at him and he his eyes were watery, i held his hand i told him thank u for everything bc i knew he meant it, and i told him hes a smart guy he needs to focus in school and get his act together, and i believe in him i asked to hug him and we got out of the car and hugged for a long time, he wiped my tears and kissed my cheeks and then he sat against the car, he held me close the entire time i came to kissed him and we pecked over and over he kissed my forehead, we even flirted, then he asked when did i have to go home i said not for a while, he said lets go eat, and i was filled with joy, once we got back into the car, he started being distant again, but he left me sit on his lap in the car, he held me and i held him, i saw his pain and i said why was he doing this if he cared about he, i told him if he wanted to leave u could just get up and go, but he stayed with me 4 hours after that in the car while i held him he held me back, he looked hurt and i told him if it hurts so much why would he do this, i told him i wasnt ready for this i told him i love him i cant get over him so fast, then i just held him and i tried to kiss him and then he started not wanting to kiss me and started to turn cold, soeone called him and then he seemed like he had to go, i held onto his arm and said please dont go, im not ready for this, he said he woudlnt change his fb status and he said we could hang out until i was ready to move on he said we could keep our fb pic, we got out of his car and i said hug me please he did i said kiss me like u mean it and he did, he kept telling me to get back int oteh car and go home but i kept chasing him and hugging him and running back to the car when he said to then runing back to hug him he touched me sexually and i did it back, he said then i went to kiss him but he turned away, he then told me to sit back on my seat and then i started crying again, he wiped my tears pulled back my hair told me how i was the cutest girl, he carried me and then said i was making this harder on myself, but i knew if he did no want me he could of left, he said he had to go now and if i hugged him again he woudlnt hang out with me but he did slap my butt so that was confusing too and he answered to my nickname for him the entire time. so i got int oteh car and i started to drive, he stopped next to the car and i rolled down the window and his face looked as though he saw a ghost, with alot of pain and agony eyes watery, he then says i still care about me alot, so please get home safe and text him when i home, i asked if i could text him more than just that and he said yes. he went out with some friends but we started texting back and forth nonstop he asked if i was ok i said better but still sad he said he was sorry and then we just texted about random stuff and then he asked if i wanted to skype, in joy i said of course and things were back to normal though i didnt mention the break up, i gave him a kissy face he gave it back, i told him to feed me what he was getting and we pretended too, he asked when he could see me again so we can make tacos and i told him how about tomorrow, and we slept together with skype on, i finally had the best sleep i had since our break, i woke up and told him i would come get him once he was off work. i picked him up and he looked delighted asked me what i have been craving to eat and i said i didnt know he said anything i said wahtever he wanted to id eat, we went to his house so he could changed, and i came inside like normal, he talked like normal and at one point he called me babe so i thought we were ok i hugged him he didnt stop me but then he said we should go, once we got to the restaruant where he wanted to go, he started turning cold, i leaned on him and he moved away i tried to hold his hand and he shrugged it off, i started talking about things and he told me he did not care he started staring off at other things, then he asked to go to target he got hair spray but he randomly put his hand around me then pulled away, then another store for him to get another thing, he talked to me like we were normal we just didnt hold hands, at the stores, and i was driving i kinda hesitated to go and he shouted baby be care this is dangerous, so then again another ounce of hoope, then finally he said he was sooo sleepy i asked if he wanted to go home he said no, i said it was ok if he did and i said how about a park he told me we could do anything i wanted, so i said a park, bc the day before he said we could and i could hold his hand but then he said i coudlnt, he sat on a bench across from each other and we kept playing hand games, we kept basically just holding each others finger, laughing, he looked at me the way he use to and he touched my lips and my nose, so i sat next to him and leaned on him he said i looked uncomfy and he rubbed my thighs, and said ive gotten so skinny and as i got up and walked he said my legs looked gross and told me i should excercise, and that no guys would like me if i didnt gain weight this hurt me like someone stabbed my heart, why would he mention other guys so casually, and asked me why i didnt post pics on instagram anymore because i use to love doing that until our break, and honestly its because instagram was a collection of the times we spent together i coudlnt post anything b we werent together its just filled with memories of me and him, then i turned to kiss him and then he asked to go home, and walked towards my car, i took him back to the same park from yesterday near his house, and he told me this time he wasnt staying long, i asked him to please tell me why he didnt want to be with me and he coudlnt come up with a straight answer he said bc of commitment but a week before he told my brother i was the girl he wanted to marry, which i was a fool to believe, he told me he liked being alone, he didnt want anyone to hold him back, he said i pressured him for an answer that he coudlnt explain and by doing that he might tell a lie, and he said he still couldnt explain waht he meant he kept on just being quiet, once we got the park i said im not going to cry or beg for him, i just wanted him to tell me he did not love me and once he did i would leave him alone, but he said he say that because he still cared for me, i asked him if we were over for good and he said, i dont know, maybe in the future, but as of right now yes, and i told him i was hopeful and he said if i was tell yourself, no, i dont want u to have hope and wait for me, he said we shoudlnt see eachother anymore until i was over him, and i said what aout fb our status he said to change it when i was ready i said it gives me hope and he said ok lets change it now, i said ok together, he pulled out his phone and he said come on and i said u do it i want to see you do it, he said he did it and that was when i knew i had to go, the first time i manned up and i started the car, he seemed to take it by surprised, and he grabbed his things, he said, i never regretted spending any time with you you were the best girlfriend i ever had, you did not do anything wrong, thank you for spending time with me and thank you for lunch, and i said no thank u for evertying and he stepped out and i drove home. i changed my fb status to single bc i saw he did, two of his best friends commented saying this is not good and we should work it out. i deleted my instagram and twitter bc it was full of my memories of me and him he left our fb picture for a day so it was my little ounce of hope left, and then today, when i checked it was a picture of just him and i broke down i was a wreck yesterday, i keep having nightmares about him pushing me away, ive been sleeping most of the day i cant eat, my brother asked me about it and he said that right now in my ex's life he has recently been hanging out with these new kids, who are into drugs heavily, and that hes been hanging out with them the past 2 weeks which is around the time when we were getting pretty bad, me feeling like he was distant, my brother said most of his friends right now are over that stuff and my ex finally found a group who are just full of people who are just always willing to do drugs, i asked him if he felt like this for a while during the first day we met after our break up and he said no he felt it during our break that he liked it, so i realized maybe he wasnt ready for an adult relationship, his answers are so vague like i like being alone i cant commit i just dont no how to explain it, etc. i keep replaying the past few days in my head, in less than a week my world has turned upside down, i went from skyping with him being alone, i still dont feel like i have a real answer, im in a lot of pain, pain that i cant believe people endure, my sister keeps telling me itll get better but as of right now im not better, i know hes out partying bc ppl are telling me he is and during our break, i keep telling myself that he isnt worth my time bc though he was in a community college he failed most of his classes, never did his work, but i kept neglecting it, i just loved how he cared for me, i realized i need to set standards and stop dating people without any goals, because for me im about to jump into graduate school, possibly out of state next year, but i dont no why im so affected by this, esp since i knew deep down he wasnt someone i wanted because he honestly has no care about his future he was always talking about drugs, and who knows my brother said he is a book of secrets, that he could of done drugs without me knowing, he blacked out once and my brother caught him before he hit his head, the friends hes with do not care about him, these people my brother knows and he said they are about the fast life and that, that night my ex blacked out noone seemed to care to much but my bro, i know im wasting my time dwelling why cant i just get over it why cant i just move on, i know it summer so everyones around but is it mean of me to be hopeful that once everyone goes back to school he wont have this fun hes having right now, since most of them are from socal and just back home for summer break, i felt like i invested my heart into him i told him i was hurt from my previous 6 year relatinship and i wanted to date someone serious, he said he knew but how hes so cold and cruel i honestly feel like i dont even know who he is anymore, i held his face the night he told me his feelings werent mutally, and i told him his eyes are yellow, his gums are pulling back this teeth are yellow and dirty, i told him hes killing himself and i told him to please slow down, but he told me it isnt about the drugs, but when he said he did not want anyone to hold him back i knew i was i would give him a lot of anger when i found out he did i told him i knew he coudlnt give it up all at once but to ease off of it, my brother told me he knows that he did it alot behind my back but i would never find out, one of my brothers friends told me that my ex was a book of secrets. today my sister told me that a lot of her friends use to go to highschool with him and that he got expelled for drugs, and that a lot of people were shocked that i went for him, i did not know how much of a bad boy he was because he told me he did it a lot but never told me how bad it was, he went to a high school were u did not have enough credit bc he ditched class alot, and everyone was just shocked, a lot of people said he changed while dating me, but i feel as though hes becoming who he was before we meet and i was afraid maybe he pretended to be someone he wasnted, i fell for someone who i didnt even know. bc the guy i fell for had a heart, but this one left me over ignoring him for 6 hours, and telling him he was inconsiderate, and he treated me unwell, and how he did not care, i felt as though he left me the chance he got, and this heartless person who left me almost seems like a stranger. he messed up many times i told him if i did the same would he leave he said yes, but the thing is i always gave him another chance and never did i did anyting to risk our relationship, so i just seem like its unfair for him to not even consider rekindling us once, my sister tells me she never understood why i went for a guy who was going no where with his life, he told me commitment was always an issue with his ex's but the thing is im not one of his old ex's i nver did childish things like them like crying, he said they were crazy and he would avoid spending time with them, with me and him everytime i wanted to hang we always did even up until our break up. im sorry for the excessive errors im literally just typing as im thinking. i told him and i know that the day he dates another girl, its going to destroy me, he told me he swears its not another girl, he told me he didnt want another girl, he wants noone, but i dont no waht to believe anymore, did i do something wrong, when can i get over this horrible experience, why do i care about someone who i feel lead me on, then became heartless. my ex even told me himself he never understood why i thought he was so sweet and honestly, i dont no why i do because because i was in an abusive relationship before my expectations are too high, why cant i just process i can find someone who will treat me well. no drugs, no abuse, just a handsome fellow with a good future. all i want is to know that i did all i could to fight for him, i want to know that though i was unreasonable i took blame and apologized for what i did, and that someday someone will love me who will meet my basic qualifications of a good man. i know im young but all i know is pain. please help me. i dont know what to do. ive lost 10 pounds in a week and i just hate seeing myself like this. any advice of any sort would help thank you for reading. Edited July 24, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
zanzi Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 (edited) I am very sorry. Recently I was as confused, hurt, and shocked as you seem. It seems the two of you have drifted apart. This happens naturally. Your strong emotions are clouding your judgement right now. You need to cut off all contact (unless he has your things ect) with him to at least a bare minimum. Then you need to give yourself time to heal. You musn't initiate contact, if he contacts you in a couple of weeks, you will be calmer, less hurt, and less likely to beg/cry/scream/become angry and do other things that will drive him further away. You will then have a choice to reply or not, you may not even feel like it. Different legnths of recovery for different people. You have been seriously hurt and you need to take care of your own feelings now and that is the best way to do it. If you have questions for him like why? Just write a letter to him with everything you feel, then screw it up and throw it away. This will help you let out your pain which you need to do a safe distance away from him and with your freinds and family close. Also this is important! I lost weight after my break up, and couldnt eat either, but you must eat! As much as you can, you have to make yourself! Edited July 24, 2012 by zanzi
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