What do I do? (Broke up 2 weeks ago)

[ProjectSiK]

(I posted this somewhere else, I'm going to add an update at the bottom as well because the dates are way off)

 

Hi everyone,

 

Let me first apologize for length because this may be long. I'm going to share my story. Something I haven't fully done with anybody. I've spoken to a few people about my situation but I never went into full detail because I didn't feel comfortable. I don't know why, after reading a few threads/stories here I feel like this is the perfect place to open up. Everyone is so positive and reinforcing. The energy is surreal. I'm astounded myself because up until my break-up I never found myself coming to websites like this. To this community, I thank you. I was beginning to lose faith in the internet because every single thing I read about wanting your ex back was always so negative or seemed counter-productive. Anyway, enough of all of that, here is my story and I hope some of you can give me some great advice like I've seen others receive and I hope to one day add my success story here!

 

My ex and I were together for a wonderful 3 1/2 years. She broke up with me last week (7/09) and I was a wreck. I received the dreaded text "we need to talk about us" that morning and I knew something bad was going to happen. I tried preparing myself to no avail. When the moment came, I held my head high and tried to act like I wasn't bothered and then I just broke down. She said she was scared for our future and was worried she wouldn't have the same feelings because she could no longer picture herself spending the rest of her life with me, something we always talked about. I begged her not to leave, I told her things would be different, I would change. Little did I know, it wasn't me, it wasn't her. It was where our relationship was going.

 

We spent every possible moment together, everyday. We never barely had time to ourselves apart from when either of us were working or at class. We always maintained that schedule, we would both be around after 6:45 on the weekdays and we would do the same routine. Just enjoy our time together by going out for yogurt, laying down together and watching some of our favorite TV shows on Netflix, until it was time for the night to end and move on to do it all over again. I always knew in the back of my mind that this would lead to something bad. The excitement of our relationship was not gone but it wasn't changing anytime soon because we were so comfortable with what was happening. On weekdays it would be a hang out with friends if they were around, go out to eat, go to the movies, typical stuff. We were satisfied and I feel now that there is so much more I could have done, that WE could have done together instead of following that simple routine. I'm still not entirely sure if that is the sole reason for the break up but I'm pretty confident it has a lot to do with it.

 

We never got into extremely serious fights. Of course we had our problems like any other couple but we always quickly fixed them because they just weren't worth it, if that makes sense. Fights are healthy and all that, I'm not saying it was always easy but we always recognized when one or the other was wrong and things just fell into place. Even though this is a break up, I feel like this is just one of our biggest fights that needs work. No one saw this break up coming because we were the "ideal" couple in everyone's eyes. I just feel like we need time apart and that's what brought this break up. I can't accept things are over for good. I'm not willing to just walk away from the relationship we had because it was just that great.

 

I was quite upset after pushing myself to go one week without seeing her, I read a lot about "no contact" and how it will somehow bring people back together but I couldn't buy it. I knew she was hurting, I was hurting and I just needed to see her. One week passed and I sent her a text message (yesterday) saying, "Hey, can we meet? I'm going to be at (a place we spent most of our time together when we first started seeing each other) from 0:00 - 0:00, you don't need to respond to this text but I hope to see you there." She responded and said, "Yes we can meet." She came and I walked up to her and asked if I could hug her, she said absolutely and we just began to talk about what we've been up to, I asked her how work is going and how her family is (Her family and I were quite close, they were basically a second family to me). We only spent about an hour there and it was great. We were laughing and just having a good time, I didn't bring up the relationship, and nothing about it really came up until we were saying our goodbyes. She came close to me when I put my arms out and I held her, she began to cry and said "I miss you," I looked at her, swiped my finger across her nose (something we used to do to each other, we were weird and told her "you're strong, it'll be okay" I then told her that I miss her too. Afterwards, it looked like she was leaning in for a kiss but I brought her closer to hug her tighter and I just said "would it be okay if I kissed your cheek?" to which she said yes.

 

I'm sorry for the long story guys, I just felt like I could express myself here because everyone just seems nice and gives great advice. I love this girl and I want to fight for our relationship, I just need advice on what path I should take. I don't know if I should wait for her to contact me or if I should contact her again. Many people will say I made a mistake by contacting her so soon but I feel like it was the right decision. Any input is greatly appreciated and I'm truly thankful if you took the time to read this whole thing.

 

Update: So, after the initial meeting that took place for the first time after the break up, I sent her a message via Facebook. I basically expressed the fact that we never had any problems and I truly loved spending time with her, etc. I told her I wanted to fight to make this relationship work because it seemed wrong that it ended so abruptly, you know? She replied pretty vaguely, mostly responding with "I don't know if I want to do that, For now I'm content with my decision, I don't regret it." Etc, etc. I truly believe there's a shot between us, I can feel it inside of me and that's what's making my current NC state so difficult. I just wish she told me that she felt she was "losing the spark" in our relationship because I've been doing some reading here and various other places and I know that's a common problem most couples have but it CAN BE worked on. She felt bad and felt it wasn't fair to stay in a relationship with those feelings and I can understand that but if people claim it's normal (Also within the 5 stages of a relationship I believe?) shouldn't we attempt to get through it?

 

I guess my main point is, after communicating with her via FB which is the last time we made contact, she feels it's something that cannot be worked on. I just want that shot and I don't know what to do :\ I want to talk to her so badly but I don't want to ruin any chances. After she sent me that message I wrote "I don't know if I'll be able to communicate after reading that" so I'm worried she won't initiate contact any longer.

 

Any advice you guys can offer me? I just need some steps because as of now I just feel lost. Thanks for any input

[KatZee]

It's rough reading this, and I know YOU want to work it out, but for a relationship to work out, BOTH people have to be willing. She told you she's not sure she wants to work it out, and for now, this is the decision she is going with and she doesn't regret it. You have your answer.

 

There is really nothing you can do at this point. Nothing you can do to convince her otherwise, or to sway her decision. You want her to be with you because she genuinely wants to be with you... not because you guilted her into it, or made her feel bad for you, or made her pity you.

 

If she wants to work it out, she will absolutely be contacting you, so you don't have to worry about keeping contact or going NC. Don't put so much thought into it. From here on out, just focus on yourself. Focus on moving forward, on seeing your friends, doing new things, relying on family. You need to truly act as if she's never coming back to you. The longer you wait and hold on, the longer you're prolonging your pain.

[salmagundi]

Wow man, that story moved me because we actually have a lot in common, at least as far as our breakups go.

 

It too want to work things out. I feel that our relationship is worth fixing and am having a hard time accepting that, as it stands now, it is over and we are broken up.

 

I definitely believe that all good relationships go through rough patches, that you inevitably lose the spark of the first couple of years and settle into a routine. And I think in good relationships that causes problems but that this normal and can be worked through.

 

What I'm dealing with is the question of whether breaking up is ever a way of working through relationship problems. If it can't be fixed within the relationship, how will it ever be fixed outside of it?

 

For my part, I am starting to realize that I have to accept that my feelings that our breakup is wrong and that I can fix things and get back together with her is my pride ****ing with me. The ego doesn't know how to deal with the mortal blow of learning that someone that used to love you doesn't anymore...that they want to see if they can find better because at its core that is what a breakup is really about, the belief that the person breaking up can do better.

 

I'm rambling, sorry.

 

You have to let go of her. If she comes back she comes back but hope is, in these cases, fatal. You need to worry about you like I need to worry now about me. I've stopped reaching out to my ex simply because it just keeps my in perpetual state of hope. It just turns you into a yoyo. You write her. Then you agonize waiting for a response. Then you analyze that response. You analyze it to death. You start going back and forth with her. Every contact is fresh fodder for analysis. Your friends start wishing you would shut up about it and stop dissecting every email and conversation looking for clues that she still wants you. repeat ad infinitum.

 

If you go NC you stop this vicious circle dead. It helps you to concentrate on you, get perspective and learn what you have to learn from your relationship. It helps her do the same and if she comes back, you can tell us all about it. And if she doesn't you'll be starting to heal instead of picking at the same festering wound like the above scenario. Either way you win.

 

Ok, thats long enough, hope this helps. Good luck man:)

[h2ojoy]

i know this is what everyone says, but you're going to have to give it time. it's so painful and difficult, i know. but it's probably the best thing for you to do right now. use this time apart to start doing things you love doing yourself. try to stay busy and hang out with friends. i know it's hard especially since you were together everyday. it'll take some getting used to, but it's possible. and acknowledge your feelings. if you need to cry, then cry. don't be afraid.

 

you never know what will happen. things could be different in a month. don't lose hope in yourself. it'll get easier, trust me.

[Sheppy99]

It's tough I know and I don't want to make you feel bad for saying this cause I've been where you are and I've said all the same things you said but by saying "i'm willing to fight for you and do what it takes" You couldn't of pulled any harder which immediately made her push you away with her responses. You basically told her she has you whenever she wants you.

 

The only option is to go NC and focus on moving on for yourself. You will never be in a position of strength if you are still in desperation mode which I believe you are in. You in desperation mode is just going to push her away until she never comes back. Work on getting over her and if she does come back around, you will be able to play it a lot cooler next time around so you don't scare her away.

 

We humans are a lot like animals. You ever notice when you make a lot of big movements and chase a kitten they run away? But as soon as you sit still and don't chase em they come over to you. Same as in love my man. You're the person making all the loud and big movements and she is the kitten running in the other direction as you chase after her.

 

Oh, P.S. NC is mainly for yourself to move on so if she doesn't come back, you are well on your way to moving on which is why NC is a win win situation and gives you all your power back. So please don't think NC is just a tool to get your ex back. It's first and foremost for you to move on with your life and be better able to make a decision if you want to reconcile without love googles blinding you.

Edited July 24, 2012 by Sheppy99

[ProjectSiK]

Thank you guys. I mean, it's really tough tonight for some reason. I've been holding myself together really well, I almost surprised myself. But tonight... I don't know, I just started crying. I guess it doesn't help that I took a look at some pictures throughout the years. I'm a big fan of traveling and sight-seeing so I like to look back on that stuff although I know I shouldn't right now. I do have everything separated by folders so it's my own fault but... yeah.

 

I just came here because I'm sure this won't be the last time that I get really upset. I've been keeping myself occupied with work but I've seem to lost interest in other hobbies. I love playing video games and it's an oddity for me to go over a week without touching one but I haven't played anything since the break-up. I did start walking though. I'm a smoker so I find it hard to jog, especially now since I'm smoking significantly more (I was planning on quitting before the break-up). I walk about 5 miles everyday and it feels great and helps to keep my mind off of things.

 

As for friends, that's even more difficult. I've always had a small group of friends which I was always fine with. Problem is, they were all mutual and that was our main group of people, we all hung out together. So this break up just makes me feel awkward contacting them because I know my ex will most certainly be around and I don't want to put them in that awkward position, you know?

 

Thanks for letting me ramble to you guys, I really appreciate it I do feel better... for now. Keep the advice/tips coming even though I'm definitely going to wait for her to come back no matter how hard it is to avoid contacting her.

[steveblack]

Try not to think about what you did, or what you didn't do. That will kill you. You my dude are a good man, this just might not be the time to be with her, or the right person in general.

 

Don't you want a partner that will fight for you too? Its tough, we all here going through awful situations and the best thing to do is to try to move on. Its scary, but you got to do it. Focus on you, and focus on living life.

[ProjectSiK]

It's tough I know and I don't want to make you feel bad for saying this cause I've been where you are and I've said all the same things you said but by saying "i'm willing to fight for you and do what it takes" You couldn't of pulled any harder which immediately made her push you away with her responses. You basically told her she has you whenever she wants you.

 

The only option is to go NC and focus on moving on for yourself. You will never be in a position of strength if you are still in desperation mode which I believe you are in. You in desperation mode is just going to push her away until she never comes back. Work on getting over her and if she does come back around, you will be able to play it a lot cooler next time around so you don't scare her away.

 

We humans are a lot like animals. You ever notice when you make a lot of big movements and chase a kitten they run away? But as soon as you sit still and don't chase em they come over to you. Same as in love my man. You're the person making all the loud and big movements and she is the kitten running in the other direction as you chase after her.

 

Oh, P.S. NC is mainly for yourself to move on so if she doesn't come back, you are well on your way to moving on which is why NC is a win win situation and gives you all your power back. So please don't think NC is just a tool to get your ex back. It's first and foremost for you to move on with your life and be better able to make a decision if you want to reconcile without love googles blinding you.

 

Man, I love this post. That analogy was perfect.

[ProjectSiK]

Try not to think about what you did, or what you didn't do. That will kill you. You my dude are a good man, this just might not be the time to be with her, or the right person in general.

 

Don't you want a partner that will fight for you too? Its tough, we all here going through awful situations and the best thing to do is to try to move on. Its scary, but you got to do it. Focus on you, and focus on living life.

 

 

Thanks man, I appreciate that I definitely do, at some points, wish she'd be willing to fight for us. Maybe that time will come. I know I can't look forward to that though because that's just false hope. What I can do is concentrate on me which is the mentality I've been sticking with. Like I said in the other post though, some nights are just gonna be really hard I guess, and since all of our friends are mutual I find it hard to find people to talk to. That's why I came here Even though it's online, it's nice just getting this stuff out there and hearing what you guys have to say, it really means a lot.

[steveblack]

dude its like family here. Its really odd. I talk to people all the time about it, but I think they are getting sick of it. At least on here we have a group a people who all want to talk about their ****. Its therapeutic in a way. Not sure how long I will be here, but so far its helped.

 

 

I always read this post, might help ya out too:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/211578-post-breakup-stages

 

One of the best posts here. Really puts things into prospective.