Am I being fooled

July 23, 2012

I have been carrying on a relationship with man who is married to his "room mate" and they're more like "friends". It's been almost 2 years. We met in person by accident at a party. Didn't even really speak, but I admired him from a far. I was married at the time and it was ending soon. The Mister I was speaking to now online via facebook was quickly becoming a friend. So simple. One day he started IM-ing me while the wife was out of town. My husband was as well. We IMed for a while and a lot of laughs. It kept happening. Every night. It led to texting. I had never even really texted before and especially not 3or 400 a day while he was at work! The last several months have turned into am and pm calls to and from him going to work. He calls me. Not me calling him. He talks to me through facebook messages until his wife is in bed. Then we either IM or text. In the beginning he said he'd never leave his and don't get wrapped up in this we'll just be friends. But, he is the one with the LOVE talk. He's also made me believe he's not happy within his marriage. He's from England, she is from the usa. Their arrangement was to marry and go back in 3 years, because he left his boy with his ex wife to be with this woman. It's now been 11 years and she's working on another degree, and also started traveling for work as soon as they married. She's not home probably a 1/4 of the month or more sometimes. I think he has a lot of resentment. Whatever. They don't have kids. She can't have them. I have 2 boys. He constantly tells me how much he loves me, in love with etc.... Loves my mind, my sense of humor, beautiful, etc... too. He lives about 600 miles away. We've had so many texts, IM, phone calls and HOURS on skype it could be a record. On skype we sit there for 5-8 any night just talking and laughing. He came to visit me a few weeks ago. It was wonderful. Laughing TOUCHING hands, just being near him. Of course it led to other things. But, once he went back home, we've continued right where we left off only now we have some experiences to look back on and laugh, smile and talk about. He wants me to come there in October. Not stay at his house of course. I love him so damn much. I was my husband for 18 years! I've never felt so out of control in love with anyone. I wanted to kidnap him when he was here. Some of the language has changed too.... he's said you know I love you right? I'll say yes.. Good everything is falling into place. How he's fallen for me more since we met, and really beautiful and private things I can't say. I just can't understand if he has no intentions on leaving her or if he's playing games with me.... what is he getting. Up until just a few weeks ago... we've never touched. Yet, he seems to not be able to get enough of ME! I don't know what to do or think anymore. Please give me some kind of advice. I've looked online. I have an idea what everyone will say, I just want to hope that I have the one "special" case where it's real, and I'll win. I can't imagine even sitting and talking to another man. I need f-ing help! TY - btw what is OW? I've seen it in here. Never been on one of these sites before.

btw my husband has been gone for a year. Not because of this either.

Edited July 23, 2012 by SoLostandConfused

July 24, 2012

OW means Other Woman.

BS means Betrayed Spouse

MM means Married Man

AP means Affair Partner

Well, I don't want to break it to you SoLost, but thus far everything about your story seems like the usual. It has all the perfect ingredients of many As. It's hard to separate fantasy and the lovely feelings from reality in many relationships, especially an A that is long distance and conducted mostly remotely. One thing I know is that an A conducted long distance is the best breeding ground for untruths, omissions and keeping your life separate with little fear of either the BS or OW catching on. It can make things even more murky as there is enough distance to present what you want to present and hide what you don't.

Be clear about what you want and find out what he wants and then observe his actions and if they are toward that end. That's all you can do. A man may think you are beautiful, sexy, funny, smart, love spending time with you, text you all day yet have no intention of rearranging his life for you. So keep that in mind. That's the easy part. It is super easy and rewarding to have a woman who loves you, who dotes on you, who you're attracted to, who you have romance with etc...it's great. It's not hard for him to conduct an A when his wife is almost never there. Texting and calling when he's on his way to work or she's away...all easy. However, divorcing her, moving away, taking on a woman with kids etc. are real responsibilities, and some people like the no strings, romance that an A offers and don't actually want it to become their regular life.

So keep your feet on the ground. The emotions are overwhelming I'm sure, but strong emotions don't always mean things will work out or that what you want is the same as what he wants. So don't only listen to what he says or get carried away by what you want it to be/mean but really talk to him and also look at what you're seeing in his actions to determine if he is all talk or genuine.

Edited July 24, 2012 by MissBee

July 24, 2012

The man could be living with his parents for all you know.
I wouldn't believe a word out of his mouth

LOL I know he's not. I've seen a lot of photos. But that made me laugh TY. As far as believing him... yes I struggle a lot. I've never caught him in anything and in fact I feel he's obnoxiously honest ... but then again.. could be a game too IDK

July 24, 2012

I have been carrying on a relationship with man who is married to his "room mate" and they're more like "friends". It's been almost 2 years. We met in person by accident at a party. Didn't even really speak, but I admired him from a far. I was married at the time and it was ending soon. The Mister I was speaking to now online via facebook was quickly becoming a friend. So simple. One day he started IM-ing me while the wife was out of town. My husband was as well. We IMed for a while and a lot of laughs. It kept happening. Every night. It led to texting. I had never even really texted before and especially not 3or 400 a day while he was at work! The last several months have turned into am and pm calls to and from him going to work. He calls me. Not me calling him. He talks to me through facebook messages until his wife is in bed. Then we either IM or text. In the beginning he said he'd never leave his and don't get wrapped up in this we'll just be friends. But, he is the one with the LOVE talk. He's also made me believe he's not happy within his marriage. He's from England, she is from the usa. Their arrangement was to marry and go back in 3 years, because he left his boy with his ex wife to be with this woman. It's now been 11 years and she's working on another degree, and also started traveling for work as soon as they married. She's not home probably a 1/4 of the month or more sometimes. I think he has a lot of resentment. Whatever. They don't have kids. She can't have them. I have 2 boys. He constantly tells me how much he loves me, in love with etc.... Loves my mind, my sense of humor, beautiful, etc... too. He lives about 600 miles away. We've had so many texts, IM, phone calls and HOURS on skype it could be a record. On skype we sit there for 5-8 any night just talking and laughing. He came to visit me a few weeks ago. It was wonderful. Laughing TOUCHING hands, just being near him. Of course it led to other things. But, once he went back home, we've continued right where we left off only now we have some experiences to look back on and laugh, smile and talk about. He wants me to come there in October. Not stay at his house of course. I love him so damn much. I was my husband for 18 years! I've never felt so out of control in love with anyone. I wanted to kidnap him when he was here. Some of the language has changed too.... he's said you know I love you right? I'll say yes.. Good everything is falling into place. How he's fallen for me more since we met, and really beautiful and private things I can't say. I just can't understand if he has no intentions on leaving her or if he's playing games with me.... what is he getting. Up until just a few weeks ago... we've never touched. Yet, he seems to not be able to get enough of ME! I don't know what to do or think anymore. Please give me some kind of advice. I've looked online. I have an idea what everyone will say, I just want to hope that I have the one "special" case where it's real, and I'll win. I can't imagine even sitting and talking to another man. I need f-ing help! TY - btw what is OW? I've seen it in here. Never been on one of these sites before.

btw my husband has been gone for a year. Not because of this either.

300 to 400 texts a day isn't love, it's obsession. Spending 5-8 hours on skype is weird too. When do have time to focus on other things like being a mom, working, having friends, seeing family? On a normal day I have maybe 1-2 hours where I could sit around on skype or texting (I don't do that because I think even 2 hours is over the top) and I live alone and don't have kids at home.

Your MM abandoned his child to be with a woman? Wow! Isn't he romantic!

Now his wife sounds successful and she doesn't have children. Seems that they both have a lot of freedom to do what they want. Your MM isn't going to give up his money, freedom and independance to come marry you and play stepdaddy to your children. His life is golden as it is. Why would he mess with what's working so well for him. He has a succesfull wife, he has freedom, he has an adoring OW to provide him with some romance, excitement and hot sex. He's not going to rock that boat, but he will keep saying whatever he has to keep you interested and he feels no guilt because he told you right up front that he is not leaving his wife.

July 24, 2012

OW means Other Woman.

BS means Betrayed Spouse

MM means Married Man

AP means Affair Partner

Well, I don't want to break it to you SoLost, but thus far everything about your story seems like the usual. It has all the perfect ingredients of many As. It's hard to separate fantasy and the lovely feelings from reality in many relationships, especially an A that is long distance and conducted mostly remotely. One thing I know is that an A conducted long distance is the best breeding ground for untruths, omissions and keeping your life separate with little fear of either the BS or OW catching on. It can make things even more murky as there is enough distance to present what you want to present and hide what you don't.

Be clear about what you want and find out what he wants and then observe his actions and if they are toward that end. That's all you can do. A man may think you are beautiful, sexy, funny, smart, love spending time with you, text you all day yet have no intention of rearranging his life for you. So keep that in mind. That's the easy part. It is super easy and rewarding to have a woman who loves you, who dotes on you, who you're attracted to, who you have romance with etc...it's great. It's not hard for him to conduct an A when his wife is almost never there. Texting and calling when he's on his way to work or she's away...all easy. However, divorcing her, moving away, taking on a woman with kids etc. are real responsibilities, and some people like the no strings, romance that an A offers and don't actually want it to become their regular life.

So keep your feet on the ground. The emotions are overwhelming I'm sure, but strong emotions don't always mean things will work out or that what you want is the same as what he wants. So don't only listen to what he says or get carried away by what you want it to be/mean but really talk to him and also look at what you're seeing in his actions to determine if he is all talk or genuine.

Thanks... I know this is the type of responses I will get. I think I'm hoping they'll smack sense into me. I know it's a fantasy and a twisted reality. It's interrupting my life. He claims it does him too. IDK... he's been there to talk to while my brother got really sick and just recently died. I hate even writing what he says to me feels...expected. He claimed the day my brother died he was so "off" at work and one of his co workers asked him what was up. At first he said nothing then he told him. He has to friends that know about me. One I met when he came here. They took a "trip" together... really it was to see me. I love the ass! I can't help it. I read online that about 3% of these actually come to a relationship and almost all don't last because of trust issues. I tell myself...If he left her today... I'd take the chance. But my gut feels I could never trust him. I've been so sheltered in my marriage this stuff is so crazy to me. I can't even believe I AM DOING THIS! So out of character.

July 24, 2012

300 to 400 texts a day isn't love, it's obsession. Spending 5-8 hours on skype is weird too. When do have time to focus on other things like being a mom, working, having friends, seeing family? On a normal day I have maybe 1-2 hours where I could sit around on skype or texting (I don't do that because I think even 2 hours is over the top) and I live alone and don't have kids at home.

Your MM abandoned his child to be with a woman? Wow! Isn't he romantic!

Now his wife sounds successful and she doesn't have children. Seems that they both have a lot of freedom to do what they want. Your MM isn't going to give up his money, freedom and independance to come marry you and play stepdaddy to your children. His life is golden as it is. Why would he mess with what's working so well for him. He has a succesfull wife, he has freedom, he has an adoring OW to provide him with some romance, excitement and hot sex. He's not going to rock that boat, but he will keep saying whatever he has to keep you interested and he feels no guilt because he told you right up front that he is not leaving his wife.

Just so you know I'm not horrible, we skype when my kids are either with their dad or in bed. I'll stay up until 3, 4 or 5 am. Crappy next day. but I do it and so does he. It is obsessive. I agree with that. I also believe both he and I have addictive personalities. He also claims he doesn't have sex with his wife. She comes home, works out, studies and goes to bed, typically with a migraine. Obvioulsy I don't know if they actually have sex, but unless he's texting me while he's doing it there's only time for quickies..... ugh... I feel disgusting right now trying to defend this crap. Thank you. He's off with her right now at a fancy hotel seeing a concert. I feel so damn stupid

July 24, 2012

It seems like you're in a vulnerable place, divorce and your brother dying, and it makes sense you'd want someone to be there and all MM is doing seems like he is there.But usually, after a while in these situations, you start feeling like how much is this person REALLY there? They text you a lot, call you a lot, but are they REALLY there for you? Even non-A long distance relationships sometimes don't work out because you start feeling like they aren't there day to day and the bulk of the relationship is online, on a phone, or through texts.

Take it a day at a time, eyes and ears open and make sure you're on the same page. Not just the page you want or when he says something you think you can change his mind, or he doesn't mean it etc.But really state what you want and LISTEN to his response and observe his actions. Don't start planning the future just yet. That will also help IMO, because the more you plan a future and fantasize about life when he leaves and you're together, the more you'll want it and the worse you'll feel if it doesn't come to fruition, so don't get ahead of yourself. Stay in the now and observe and see what he's saying and doing. Dating...well I dunno if an A is even dating lol ...but yea, dating is the time to discover if someone is worth increased levels of investment. You don't put it all out there on date one. You should take time to know them, observe, talk and talk and talk about what you want and what they want and if it makes sense and if you're a good fit and if you want something exclusive and long term....and with time you slowly invest more.

July 24, 2012

Just so you know I'm not horrible, we skype when my kids are either with their dad or in bed. I'll stay up until 3, 4 or 5 am. Crappy next day. but I do it and so does he. It is obsessive. I agree with that. I also believe both he and I have addictive personalities. He also claims he doesn't have sex with his wife. She comes home, works out, studies and goes to bed, typically with a migraine. Obvioulsy I don't know if they actually have sex, but unless he's texting me while he's doing it there's only time for quickies..... ugh... I feel disgusting right now trying to defend this crap. Thank you. He's off with her right now at a fancy hotel seeing a concert. I feel so damn stupid

And if she is his roommate, why do they need to go to a fancy hotel to see a concert?

Anyway SoLost, your relationship shouldn't leave you feeling lost and confused and questioning everything. If it does, chances are it's not a good one. Who wants to be at home on another continent while their bf is at a fancy hotel concert with his wife, whom he claims is his roommate. I mean really...you have two kids and a life, you deserve someone who can take you to a fancy hotel concert too, who will come home to you, or you can go by their place, who will hang out with you and your kids. Not simply text and call you in secret when they can.

Roommates or not, his "roommate wife" gets to hang out with him in person, without hiding, any time she wants while you get to talk to him virtually when she's not around, in between work and other stolen moments and it all has to be on the low. You deserve more.

July 24, 2012

It seems like you're in a vulnerable place, divorce and your brother dying, and it makes sense you'd want someone to be there and all MM is doing seems like he is there.But usually, after a while in these situations, you start feeling like how much is this person REALLY there? They text you a lot, call you a lot, but are they REALLY there for you? Even non-A long distance relationships sometimes don't work out because you start feeling like they aren't there day to day and the bulk of the relationship is online, on a phone, or through texts.

Take it a day at a time, eyes and ears open and make sure you're on the same page. Not just the page you want or when he says something you think you can change his mind, or he doesn't mean it etc.But really state what you want and LISTEN to his response and observe his actions. Don't start planning the future just yet. That will also help IMO, because the more you plan a future and fantasize about life when he leaves and you're together, the more you'll want it and the worse you'll feel if it doesn't come to fruition, so don't get ahead of yourself. Stay in the now and observe and see what he's saying and doing. Dating...well I dunno if an A is even dating lol ...but yea, dating is the time to discover if someone is worth increased levels of investment. You don't put it all out there on date one. You should take time to know them, observe, talk and talk and talk about what you want and what they want and if it makes sense and if you're a good fit and if you want something exclusive and long term....and with time you slowly invest more.

What's funny is I've also told him no worries I'd never be one of those idiot women who think ANY man will leave for her. I pity those women! I've said it so many times... and look where I am! I don't actually think about us together. I think I'd do it, but I've never really sat and thought.... okay he leaves his wife, we do this that the other, etc... But I have decided I have to have the conversation of what the hell he wants from me. To his face Via Skype of course LOL He does have a lot of body language that I watch intensely when I ask him things. Something that is making this so bad was being with him for almost 3 days, sharing the same conversations in person, eating together, drinking wine and coffee in the morning. And even WORSE... he's said those things to ME! Out of the blue he'll say "you fed me" Simply cuz he asked for a bite of my food, and we only had to forks and I just gave him a bite and it continued a few times. He seemed so happy to see me. Just walked around holding my hand every time. Staring at me like he's never seen anything else in the world. I hate this.

July 24, 2012

And if she is his roommate, why do they need to go to a fancy hotel to see a concert?

Anyway SoLost, your relationship shouldn't leave you feeling lost and confused and questioning everything. If it does, chances are it's not a good one. Who wants to be at home on another continent while their bf is at a fancy hotel concert with his wife, whom he claims is his roommate. I mean really...you have two kids and a life, you deserve someone who can take you to a fancy hotel concert too, who will come home to you, or you can go by their place, who will hang out with you and your kids. Not simply text and call you in secret when they can.

Roommates or not, his "roommate wife" gets to hang out with him in person, without hiding, any time she wants while you get to talk to him virtually when she's not around, in between work and other stolen moments and it all has to be on the low. You deserve more.

We are all in the USA... and I think they're trying to fix things to be honest. There was a fight a week or two ago with them with her leaving a note saying do you still love me. Now, he's got an excercise bike, agreed to stop drinking red wine, cuz they fight when he has that particular alcohol, taking up an old hobby he used to do to help with stress, and talked to me about the Melatonin I take to help me sleep so he can sleep better. So the concert hall is about 45 minutes from their house. That's why I am on this site tonight. Seems all wrong and I hate it. He even posted a pic on fb of the two of them. He used to do that. He hasn't in a very long time. He is wearing the shirt he wore to visit me, knowing I liked it. Kind of hurt.

July 24, 2012

My view - he is playing you big time.

I don't know how you parent when you are on the phone or computer with him all the time. I feel bad for your kids that your attention is always on the MM.

He isn't leaving. He has exactly what he wants with you - a wife and an OW who adores him and is obsessed with him. And that is what it is - an obsession.

He is a liar, a cheat and a coward.

What is there to like about that?

I don't know.

July 24, 2012

What's funny is I've also told him no worries I'd never be one of those idiot women who think ANY man will leave for her. I pity those women! I've said it so many times... and look where I am! I don't actually think about us together. I think I'd do it, but I've never really sat and thought.... okay he leaves his wife, we do this that the other, etc... But I have decided I have to have the conversation of what the hell he wants from me. To his face Via Skype of course LOL He does have a lot of body language that I watch intensely when I ask him things. Something that is making this so bad was being with him for almost 3 days, sharing the same conversations in person, eating together, drinking wine and coffee in the morning. And even WORSE... he's said those things to ME! Out of the blue he'll say "you fed me" Simply cuz he asked for a bite of my food, and we only had to forks and I just gave him a bite and it continued a few times. He seemed so happy to see me. Just walked around holding my hand every time. Staring at me like he's never seen anything else in the world. I hate this.

What he wants is exactly what he's getting...and too many times as OW we don't want to see that. We think there must be "more" in the wings, as in, we think this is leading to some other place. But often times, it is right where the MM wants. He's getting a gf and a wife. He's not thinking of the future often, just the instant gratification of the now.

When I was the OW, my guy at the time doted on me incredibly. I don't doubt he did feel all he said, he felt it, but it wasn't something he was willing to change his life for. He would deflect when I asked about our future and he'd simply say that he didn't know what the future holds, but he wanted me now. That's the instant gratification. The fantasy. No concrete plans, he just likes what we have now. Eventually it wasn't enough for me. I wanted to grow and move forward, he wanted his real life, and for me to be there, when he wanted and be in a perpetual "now".

As you talk about the 3 days you were together, I remember the first time my AP and I spent 3 days together as well when he came to visit me. We too had a LD relationship. He made me a cd of songs dedicated to us, he brought me flowers, a cake, some other goodies. It was all sweet and romantic. He was all over me. He was always holding my hand in the car, when we were walking, kissing me, looking at me as though I was the best thing since. I won't lie and say it didn't feel great! Even now thinking about it, it was all sweet. We made love, he told me loved me and it was a blissful, but bittersweet weekend. When he left, ALL I wanted was MORE of him. All I wanted was to be able to have that at any time. But I couldn't. We went back to the phone calls, texts, Skype and emails. He went back to his life and while living it would say how he wished he was with me...but that's all it was, wishes. I was giving him a vacation, love, romance, friendship, sex...everything a gf would, without him having to truly commit to me. I got parts of him and I was always wanting more. I was an ADDITION to his life. I wasn't going to replace his current relationship or situation. I was in conjunction with. That's what he wanted....

Chances are your MM does feel for you and he is getting what he wants...you, your love, time, body, friendship etc. Who doesn't want that with no strings attached?

July 24, 2012

We are all in the USA... and I think they're trying to fix things to be honest. There was a fight a week or two ago with them with her leaving a note saying do you still love me. Now, he's got an excercise bike, agreed to stop drinking red wine, cuz they fight when he has that particular alcohol, taking up an old hobby he used to do to help with stress, and talked to me about the Melatonin I take to help me sleep so he can sleep better. So the concert hall is about 45 minutes from their house. That's why I am on this site tonight. Seems all wrong and I hate it. He even posted a pic on fb of the two of them. He used to do that. He hasn't in a very long time. He is wearing the shirt he wore to visit me, knowing I liked it. Kind of hurt.

SMH...that sucks.

But if he is trying to fix things, I suggest you step back and really listen and observe what he is doing.

He is trying to fix their relationship. Seems he is missing something so reached out to you to gain what he's missing; however, he doesn't want to lose his relationship and doesn't seem to have plans of leaving, but instead the actions he's taken are towards fixing it.

Listen and observe hon

July 24, 2012

What he wants is exactly what he's getting...and too many times as OW we don't want to see that. We think there must be "more" in the wings, as in, we think this is leading to some other place. But often times, it is right where the MM wants. He's getting a gf and a wife. He's not thinking of the future often, just the instant gratification of the now.

When I was the OW, my guy at the time doted on me incredibly. I don't doubt he did feel all he said, he felt it, but it wasn't something he was willing to change his life for. He would deflect when I asked about our future and he'd simply say that he didn't know what the future holds, but he wanted me now. That's the instant gratification. The fantasy. No concrete plans, he just likes what we have now. Eventually it wasn't enough for me. I wanted to grow and move forward, he wanted his real life, and for me to be there, when he wanted and be in a perpetual "now".

As you talk about the 3 days you were together, I remember the first time my AP and I spent 3 days together as well when he came to visit me. We too had a LD relationship. He made me a cd of songs dedicated to us, he brought me flowers, a cake, some other goodies. It was all sweet and romantic. He was all over me. He was always holding my hand in the car, when we were walking, kissing me, looking at me as though I was the best thing since. I won't lie and say it didn't feel great! Even now thinking about it, it was all sweet. We made love, he told me loved me and it was a blissful, but bittersweet weekend. When he left, ALL I wanted was MORE of him. All I wanted was to be able to have that at any time. But I couldn't. We went back to the phone calls, texts, Skype and emails. He went back to his life and while living it would say how he wished he was with me...but that's all it was, wishes. I was giving him a vacation, love, romance, friendship, sex...everything a gf would, without him having to truly commit to me. I got parts of him and I was always wanting more. I was an ADDITION to his life. I wasn't going to replace his current relationship or situation. I was in conjunction with. That's what he wanted....

Chances are your MM does feel for you and he is getting what he wants...you, your love, time, body, friendship etc. Who doesn't want that with no strings attached?

Sounds exactly like me. THIS SUCKS And NOW he "just popped outside for a smoke and hope you are having a great evening"! LOL Yeah really great. Talking to strangers about how f-ed up over you that I am! GRRR Obviously I didn't say that! We will deal with this though I have to. He says stuff like your OM about not knowing what the future holds, and this has to have happened for a reason, etc... I'm just like everrryyyooone else aren't I? Crap.

July 24, 2012

SMH...that sucks.

But if he is trying to fix things, I suggest you step back and really listen and observe what he is doing.

He is trying to fix their relationship. Seems he is missing something so reached out to you to gain what he's missing; however, he doesn't want to lose his relationship and doesn't seem to have plans of leaving, but instead the actions he's taken are towards fixing it.

Listen and observe hon

I am. That's why it hurts so much. It's all adding up in my head even though he hasn't said that.

July 24, 2012

Sounds exactly like me. THIS SUCKS And NOW he "just popped outside for a smoke and hope you are having a great evening"! LOL Yeah really great. Talking to strangers about how f-ed up over you that I am! GRRR Obviously I didn't say that! We will deal with this though I have to. He says stuff like your OM about not knowing what the future holds, and this has to have happened for a reason, etc... I'm just like everrryyyooone else aren't I? Crap.

Sometimes we have to find humor in stuff to not go crazy and to see it clearly

He's having a great time with the wife, posting their pics on FB and what do you get, a quick text on his cigarette breaK?? It is absurd and you are worth soooooooo much more! You seem like a sweet lady, who has a lot to offer and who deserves way more than being a MM's distraction and the person he talks to in-between-times-and-in-the-meantime.

July 24, 2012

Sometimes we have to find humor in stuff to not go crazy and to see it clearly

He's having a great time with the wife, posting their pics on FB and what do you get, a quick text on his cigarette breaK?? It is absurd and you are worth soooooooo much more! You seem like a sweet lady, who has a lot to offer and who deserves way more than being a MM's distraction and the person he talks to in-between-times-and-in-the-meantime.

Thank you. I am nice! LOL And sweet and kind to everyone. Part of my problem. Since my husband left I've just went from one disaster to another. I was with him from 18 and I'll be 38 in a few days. I think I'm naive and I don't know how the world works I guess. I'm learning though.

July 24, 2012

Thank you. I am nice! LOL And sweet and kind to everyone. Part of my problem. Since my husband left I've just went from one disaster to another. I was with him from 18 and I'll be 38 in a few days. I think I'm naive and I don't know how the world works I guess. I'm learning though.

Well it would serve you well to learn about dating in today's world. Trust me.

I can imagine being married for so long you're rusty on the whole dating thing.

I suggest you Google a site called Baggage Reclaim and check out her articles on dating. Just so you have an idea of the games people play as well as learn some tips on how to date wisely so that you don't invest in losers.

Here is one article to start you off with:

Quiz: Are You Making These Common Dating and Relationships Assumptions? | Baggage Reclaim

July 24, 2012

It's embarrassing to admit this but for your benefit I will. lol

Many years ago, early 2000's, I hadn't been on the net that long so I was quite naive when I started playing a game on yahoo. It was a two person game and you could chat at the same time if you wanted to. Well I met this guy and we struck up a good conversation. Soon I was downloading yahoo messenger so we could speak more often. I really liked him and we talked about meeting up at some point in time, even though he lived a few states away from me. I was excited and thought ummm, this might have some possibilities. In hindsight there were a few yellow flags but I stupidly dismissed them and it just didn't click in that there are people out there who are liars and who play games and pretend to be someone they aren't. About 2 months into it, it was valentines day and I thought I'd be sweet and surprise him. So I loaded up a box of candy and a cute valentine card and sent it to his work. To my surprise, he did a disappearing act on me. Then the alarm bells rang. Well, he wasn't as smart as he thought he was because I had his real name, and quite a bit of other info, enough to do some snooping. I found out he was married, not divorced and let me tell you, I was pissed. I eventually got my revenge and got to tell him what a scum piece of **** he was, cause I signed up with another name on yahoo and found him doing the same thing. I played along for a bit, oh I had him going for a couple of weeks, then I said, hey *******, remember me. lol

Now I would never spend any time talking, im'ing, skyping, chatting with anyone, or on a dating site on a person that I can't eyeball. There are just too many ways to get conned and for people to be whoever they want to be. I get the feeling that you are quite naive yourself in regards to what goes on out there on the internet but still..........he told you he was married, so what is up with that? Why was that ok with you?

So, I see a lot of red and yellow flags, see bolded.

MM sense a ow's neediness and vulnerability and you just getting divorced yourself, were in a good position to fulfill his needs. I'm afraid you are wasting your time and attention on a man who is conning you with words of future faking and who is using you to fill his need for attention and ego stroking.

Broken people are the ones who cheat.

Wise woman TY

July 24, 2012

Well it would serve you well to learn about dating in today's world. Trust me.

I can imagine being married for so long you're rusty on the whole dating thing.

I suggest you Google a site called Baggage Reclaim and check out her articles on dating. Just so you have an idea of the games people play as well as learn some tips on how to date wisely so that you don't invest in losers.

Here is one article to start you off with:

Quiz: Are You Making These Common Dating and Relationships Assumptions? | Baggage Reclaim

I can't wait to read it! LOL TY!!!! Never knew things like that existed!

July 24, 2012

It's embarrassing to admit this but for your benefit I will. lol

Many years ago, early 2000's, I hadn't been on the net that long so I was quite naive when I started playing a game on yahoo. It was a two person game and you could chat at the same time if you wanted to. Well I met this guy and we struck up a good conversation. Soon I was downloading yahoo messenger so we could speak more often. I really liked him and we talked about meeting up at some point in time, even though he lived a few states away from me. I was excited and thought ummm, this might have some possibilities. In hindsight there were a few yellow flags but I stupidly dismissed them and it just didn't click in that there are people out there who are liars and who play games and pretend to be someone they aren't. About 2 months into it, it was valentines day and I thought I'd be sweet and surprise him. So I loaded up a box of candy and a cute valentine card and sent it to his work. To my surprise, he did a disappearing act on me. Then the alarm bells rang. Well, he wasn't as smart as he thought he was because I had his real name, and quite a bit of other info, enough to do some snooping. I found out he was married, not divorced and let me tell you, I was pissed. I eventually got my revenge and got to tell him what a scum piece of **** he was, cause I signed up with another name on yahoo and found him doing the same thing. I played along for a bit, oh I had him going for a couple of weeks, then I said, hey *******, remember me. lol

Now I would never spend any time talking, im'ing, skyping, chatting with anyone, or on a dating site on a person that I can't eyeball. There are just too many ways to get conned and for people to be whoever they want to be. I get the feeling that you are quite naive yourself in regards to what goes on out there on the internet but still..........he told you he was married, so what is up with that? Why was that ok with you?

So, I see a lot of red and yellow flags, see bolded.

MM sense a ow's neediness and vulnerability and you just getting divorced yourself, were in a good position to fulfill his needs. I'm afraid you are wasting your time and attention on a man who is conning you with words of future faking and who is using you to fill his need for attention and ego stroking.

Broken people are the ones who cheat.

LOL..reminds me of when I first got on the net back in the nineties. Bought a computer for my son and got us hooked up on the super highway. I knew nothing about it but I had heard about chat rooms so I looked up some general discussion chat room and logged in.

Before long some guy messaged me "wanna chat" and I responded yes. We made some mindless chit chat but before long we were involved in a deep conversation about life, love and spirtuality. It was a painfully slow undertaking because I didn't know how to type back then so I was hunting and pecking with two fingers the whole time. The guy hung in there though and waited for my snail like responses. Now that I think about it he was probably chatting to other women at the same time. Anyways I was enjoying our conversation and I was also kind of awed that here I was having this deep meaningful exchange with a stranger on the internet. I thought it was the coolest thing ever! After about how an hour of this he suddenly says "wanna cyber?" and I was like "uhhh I don't know what that means" and he politely explained that he wanted to have sex with me via our chat window. LOL...I could just feel myself turning red, I felt humilated and disgusted that I just opened up to someone and now he was asking me for this. What about our deep meaningful discussion? What happened to that? I said "No thank you" and immediately closed the chat window and you know I have never ever done an online chat since.

After I got over the embarassment of being asked for cyber sex it actually cracked me up because I have never understood the appeal of typing sex to someone. Lol lol...it still cracks me up. "Oh baby oh baby I'm touching myself and picturing your big strong naked body" ROFLMAO....How is that a turn on? And more importantly how the hell can I touch myself and type dirty sentences to you at the same time? LOL...I'm never gonna get off this way...LOL.

Sorry for the threadjack OP,I just had to share that memory, I don't know why. And I'm sorry you're having a tough night but I think it's because you are beginning to realize that you're mostly online affair isn't really meeting your needs.

July 24, 2012

"He even posted a pic on fb of the two of them. He used to do that. He hasn't in a very long time. He is wearing the shirt he wore to visit me, knowing I liked it. Kind of hurt."

xMM's wife's fb pic was one of her and him, he had his phone in his hand in the pic. He told me he was texting me when that picture was taken.

We've been NC for 47 days. She has changed her fb picture, it has a date on it. I remember when that one was taken, too. I'd seen the pic on his fb, he told me there was a half finished email to me on his phone in his pocket at the time and right after the pic was taken he slipped out to call me.

I used to think it was almost...touching. That even in pictures I knew he was thinking of me.

Now I see it a little differently. He was sitting there, looking all 'happy family' with his wife, posing for pictures with friends, etc, all the while he had me literally and figuratively in his pocket. Wow! What a hypocrite!

As most OW like to believe, myself included, I thought he was honest with me. He had no reason to lie to me. Blah Blah Blah. But then I see those pictures. How seemingly easy it was for him to play the happy husband. And even though he told me it tore him up inside to not be able to be with me, talk to me, whatever it was, he sure seemed to be doing a damn fine job 'faking it' with his wife.

So I ask you....don't you think it's a little messed up he wore a shirt he KNEW you would know while he was out with his wife? Honestly...its a slap in the face to you both.

I'm not being ugly to you, I'm offering a different perspective. Keep reading here. And yes, when you realize you are 'just like everyone else' and your affair was 'typical', well, you start to feel more than a little stupid. It's natural, and you aren't stupid. People who have affairs, especially long term very time consuming involved affairs (I am a former WS, I know of what I speak) are masters at manipulating. That being said, even after 47 days of NC, I still miss xMM terribly. Why do you think I'm here????

July 24, 2012

xMM's wife's fb pic was one of her and him, he had his phone in his hand in the pic. He told me he was texting me when that picture was taken.

We've been NC for 47 days. She has changed her fb picture, it has a date on it. I remember when that one was taken, too. I'd seen the pic on his fb, he told me there was a half finished email to me on his phone in his pocket at the time and right after the pic was taken he slipped out to call me.

I used to think it was almost...touching. That even in pictures I knew he was thinking of me.

Now I see it a little differently. He was sitting there, looking all 'happy family' with his wife, posing for pictures with friends, etc, all the while he had me literally and figuratively in his pocket. Wow! What a hypocrite!

As most OW like to believe, myself included, I thought he was honest with me. He had no reason to lie to me. Blah Blah Blah. But then I see those pictures. How seemingly easy it was for him to play the happy husband. And even though he told me it tore him up inside to not be able to be with me, talk to me, whatever it was, he sure seemed to be doing a damn fine job 'faking it' with his wife.

So I ask you....don't you think it's a little messed up he wore a shirt he KNEW you would know while he was out with his wife? Honestly...its a slap in the face to you both.

How true this all is. I could list off a bunch of things xMW did that were incredibly disrespectful to her H and her M (above and beyond just the cheating), that at the time I thought were flattering. I took them as signs that she was serious about leaving and being with me. Now I look back and see how messed up it all was. If she wanted to prove to me she was serious about leaving, she could have just left. Of course she never did leave, and it's mind-boggling to me how she can still look him in the eye and tell him she loves him after doing all that stuff.

July 24, 2012

SLAC... I'm not going to say too much about yer man there. Maybe he's all sincere, maybe he loves you and you and he will be the love story of the century. But hon, even were it so, take a look at your life.

When are you spending quality time with good friends who make you laugh? When are you working out, or going for long walks in the sun? When do you read books by your favourite author? When do you try out new recipes, or switch your phone off, light candles and have a long bath, or hire a movie, close the curtains and hang out with your kids whilst shutting the world out?

This man is an obsession. If he landed on your doorstep packaged up and good to go you could not have a successful relationship with him because you are not settled, centred or happy in yourself.

C'mon, as 'wonderful' as he is I really think you can do a lot better for yourself in terms of the life you're living. Date yourself a little, enjoy a little self-love. A man should be an extra, lovely addition to your life, not the centre of it.

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