hurting tonight Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Hence the reason why I could never tell him even remotely the truth of my affair. He had 2 also in our marriage that he told me about to.
whichwayisup Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 It still doesnt make sense that you would cheat on your husband to begin with knowing how violent he can be. And, how weird is it, that he can cheat on you, tell you about it but the goose isn't good for the gander? 5
alexandria35 Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 So your husband was a cheater, you became a cheater and your MM is also a cheater. Doesn't some part of you want to know what an honest relationship feels like? In spite of your xh's temper you managed to leave and end the marriage. You took action even in the face of possible violence yet you don't have the same expectation of your MM. Why is that? Oh I know you don't want to be with him full time and it was never your desire to have him leave his wife but he doesn't have to leave his wife to become honest and authentic. He can just start by being truthfull with people. 2
MissBee Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 This will probably be moved to the Infidelity section. But since it was sparked because of your initial comments in a thread about the OW protecting the MM...I'm not sure there is a correlation between having an abusive spouse whom you hide the truth from to protect yourself (which is understandable) and the notion of an OW lying to the BS should she ask so that she remains loyal to her MM. The two are very very different things. 1
Author hurting tonight Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 @ Lady Grey, you're making me have bad visions of my child hood. Through out the 27 years of my marraige my husband has always been violent. He can be very scary. I married him out of convienence, thinking it was the right thing to do. It's wrong. My dad hurt daddys little girl.
LoveTKO Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 When you tell him make sure you have a can of bear repellent in in one hand! All kidding aside, why would you want to share this information anyway?
Author hurting tonight Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 It was a question someone asked in another thread.
MissBee Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 @ Lady Grey, you're making me have bad visions of my child hood. Through out the 27 years of my marraige my husband has always been violent. He can be very scary. I married him out of convienence, thinking it was the right thing to do. It's wrong. My dad hurt daddys little girl. Hurting, Have you ever had counseling to deal with your childhood issues? I feel so sad about what you're saying. No child deserves to be hurt, especially by the people who should protect them. Unfortunately, when little girls get hurt by their dad, emotionally/sexually/physically, they often internalize A LOT of this subconsciously then choose men to date who are just like their dad or who play up some of that terrible dynamic. It is very difficult, if a woman has never worked through this, to just bury it as the past and then form romantic relationships that are healthy. It almost always manifests in some way, negatively, in your adult relationships. I therefore understand how you'd marry such a man and then also get involved in an A. If you've never dealt with the issues, you probably should, so that you can form more nurturing relationships. It's also very common that as a response to hurt, we become afraid of true intimacy and thus choose people like married men to date because "we don't want the hassle" etc...when often the deeper truth is that we are terrified of true intimacy, being vulnerable and getting hurt when we put it all on the line. With a MM, we often don't have to, or part of us often knows it may never work so we're not taking a huge risk. It's like we fool ourselves into choosing such situations as a safety net for our hidden fears. 4
Author hurting tonight Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 I did have counceling when I was back in HS. Nothing was ever done to my Dad. In my twenties social workers came around wanting me to press charges against my dad for fear he was hurting my baby sis. I never did. Didn't want to hurt my family. I told my step mom when I was 18 and pregnant, she didn't believe me. My dad did have an affair on my step mom. My dad died last June, taking this to his grave because I always hated him.
MissBee Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 (edited) I did have counceling when I was back in HS. Nothing was ever done to my Dad. In my twenties social workers came around wanting me to press charges against my dad for fear he was hurting my baby sis. I never did. Didn't want to hurt my family. I told my step mom when I was 18 and pregnant, she didn't believe me. My dad did have an affair on my step mom. My dad died last June, taking this to his grave because I always hated him. This is so terrible. I can only imagine how terribly damaging it is and how much trust issues it fosters when your dad hurts you and then no one believes you. That s truly a nightmare! My heart really breaks at this It wasn't your job to not hurt your family. It was your dad and the adults' job to make sure you and your little sister didn't get hurt. Your dad did what he did and you should have NEVER had to keep his secret so your family woudn't hurt. I imagine this probably plays into your loyalty to a MM, who although he hurt you and he's in the wrong, just like with your dad, you still feel the need to protect and keep the secret. I can imagine that you must harbor a lot of guilt, shame, anger and just plain hurt over this, and counseling only in high school isn't enough. It probably is scary to go back there but I do think you owe it to yourself to talk about it with a professional who can help you to purge these repressed feelings and to begin to really heal from it. I really wish that for you hurting (((hugs))). Edited July 23, 2012 by MissBee 3
alexandria35 Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 This is so terrible. I can only imagine how terribly damaging it is and how much trust issues it fosters when your dad hurts you and then no one believes you. That s truly a nightmare! My heart really breaks at this It wasn't your job to not hurt your family. It was your dad and the adults' job to make sure you and your little sister didn't get hurt. Your dad did what he did and you should have NEVER had to keep his secret so your family woudn't hurt. I imagine this probably plays into your loyalty to a MM, who although he hurt you and he's in the wrong, just like with your dad, you still feel the need to protect and keep the secret. I can imagine that you must harbor a lot of guilt, shame, anger and just plain hurt over this, and counseling only in high school isn't enough. It probably is scary to go back there but I do think you owe it to yourself to talk about it with a professional who can help you to purge these repressed feelings and to begin to really heal from it. I really wish that for you hurting (((hugs))). MissBee is on fire and speaks the truth. Hurting have you ever considered how your childhood has played a part in your adult relationships? It sounds like there is a long history of keeping secrets and displaced loyalty in your life. Please look deeper into this. 2
Author hurting tonight Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 Thank you for caring, I mean that.
Author hurting tonight Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 I was also bullied from grade school, all the way through HS. I was different when I was a little girl because I developed early, got acne at 9. It was a stigma that stuck all through school. Now on FB they all want to be friends. I still can't get past what they did to me. Some I have friended. I'm not saying this for pity at all. I remeber in school, I never fought back, and felt so isolated because of the bullies. Now as an adult though, I try to help bullied children and misunderstood animals like Pitties and Wolves. I habor such resentment to these people.
alexandria35 Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 I did have counceling when I was back in HS. Nothing was ever done to my Dad. In my twenties social workers came around wanting me to press charges against my dad for fear he was hurting my baby sis. I never did. Didn't want to hurt my family. I told my step mom when I was 18 and pregnant, she didn't believe me. My dad did have an affair on my step mom. My dad died last June, taking this to his grave because I always hated him. When you spoke up and told your step mom she didn't believe you. That is terrible and it also led you to believe that speaking the truth and being honest doesn't have any rewards. You tried and your dad still got away with everything. You learned to protect yourself by being secretive. We have these coping mechanisms that we learn as children and they serve us well at the time. They allow us to function and carry on with our lives in the face of the abuse and betrayal. Unfortunately these coping mechanisms turn on us in adulthood. They got us through our tough childhoods but now they want to destroy our adulthoods and it's so very hard to let go of them as they are our old friends. So difficult to accept that what worked for us before just isn't going to cut the mustard now and we have to learn a new way of living. 2
alexandria35 Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Oh I was the underdog in school too. By the time I was 12 years old I had been in 13 different schools. I was a bright kid who didn't do very well in school because of the constant moving around and being enrolled in different schools. Sometimes I would be in 3 different schools in one year! I couldn't get close to anyone, couldn't form any lasting bonds or friendships. I became painfully shy and whenever I had to go to a new school the kids would sense my pain and fear like a shark senses blood in the water. I know so well how painful it is to be shunned and mistreated by your peers as a child and teenager. I escaped my pain by crawling deep inside of myself and thats where I lived. I think I have forgiven the kids who did this because heck they were just kids themselves and the bullies were probably living their own brand of pain. Forgiving my parents for putting me through this has been much harder.
Author hurting tonight Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 That's awful, I'm sorry. My XH went through that to. He said he went to like 12 different schools in his years of going to school. He said it was tough to form any lasting friendships.
Author hurting tonight Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 This has been good therapy for me, thank you. 1
alexandria35 Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 This has been good therapy for me, thank you. I'm glad you're starting to feel like you're getting something good out of being here. I didn't have to work today (yay!!) so I got to do a lot of reading and posting. I love hearing from all the women here and learning all of the different perspectives. I often walk away from conversations here deep in thought and pondering my own life. It can feel like therapy and at times it can be a little emotionally draining, but worthwhile nonetheless. I'm glad you're here hurting and I hope you keep posting. 1
freestyle Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 HT~~~Based on what you've alluded to about your childhood trauma, I'd like to recommend an excellent blog written by a survivor of childhood abuse. Look up, "Emerging From Broken" by Darlene Quimet. I'm very sorry you had to grow up in those kinds of circumstances. The initial abuse is horrific enough, but the secondary abuse can be just as painful. Secondary abuse is being disbelieved, invalidated, minimized, ordered to "get over it" already.........by the bystanders. It can make it very difficult to heal. 4
2sunny Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 I know abuse well. But I've never used abuse as a means to justify cheating - and taking another woman's husband. You may have abuse in your history - but that will never make the cheating right from my perspective. Justifying YOUR CHOICES based on abuse doesn't take away the fact that it's just so wrong. And your willingness to STILL DEFEND the MM's bad behavior makes it all even more despicable.
Author hurting tonight Posted July 24, 2012 Author Posted July 24, 2012 Thank you for the advice, and I'll look up the blog. @Sunny, I can't help who I fell in love with and care for very deeply, and who will always have a place in my heart. I have no hard feelings, I understand why he did what he did. I admit I miss him very much.I do hope that his life and marriage can be repaired.
frozensprouts Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 I'm sorry you had such a rough go of things...it doesn't sound like your family was there for you at all, especially when you needed them the most... it sounds like you couple derive great benefit from not only therapy but also from joining a support group of women ( and men too) who suffered abuse as a child/young adult ( not only at home, but at school too...in my humble opinion, bullying is a form of abuse) just based on what you have written, it also sounds like you don't trust anyone to really be there for you when you need them...it's easier to not take the chance than to risk getting hurt all over again...the few that you have "let in" haven't really done much to bolster your sense of security... It almost sounds as if you are spending your life running from your past, but you can't do that forever- eventually you have to give in and face it...it is very sad how abuse can have such long lasting effects on a person and their whole life
EmptyHeartGirl Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 I was also bullied from grade school, all the way through HS. I was different when I was a little girl because I developed early, got acne at 9. It was a stigma that stuck all through school. Now on FB they all want to be friends. I still can't get past what they did to me. Some I have friended. I'm not saying this for pity at all. I remeber in school, I never fought back, and felt so isolated because of the bullies. Now as an adult though, I try to help bullied children and misunderstood animals like Pitties and Wolves. I habor such resentment to these people. Wow! I'm glad you started this thread it has really shed some light on why you have responded the way that you have. I can totally relate to your story as I was bullied in school, and my mom's boyfriend molested me as well and she did not believe me either. Hugs to you! No child should ever go through that and please know you did nothing wrong. I would suggest going to counseling, it has really helped me.
2sunny Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 Handing so much power to the abuse or even to your MM - that power that identifies YOU as less than - or merely not important enough to think highly of yourself is way out of balance. Do work with a counselor to get back in balance. IF you can begin to think and act as if you value yourself - it will mean that you wouldn't think so little of yourself to settle for such crap from others, including your MM. He has treated you disrespectfully because YOU have ALLOWED it. Time to learn how to stop allowing it all. Change is good... It brings hope that things can be better!
Author hurting tonight Posted July 24, 2012 Author Posted July 24, 2012 In the case I knew what to expect from an affair situation, and again ill say he did what he had to do. It's been a week, I hope he's doing well. I wish him the best. Do I miss him? Every single day. It seems harder right now. I have tried to put myself out there for dating. These guys want to meet you after only a couple of hours of zIM. One had to say bug off, you're way too pushy. Anyway I wish MM the best.
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