Tillyhol Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 (edited) Hi there, I'm new to this forum, i only just joined today. I'll give you a little information on me and then i will get onto my situation. I am 23 (24 in august) years old and my husband is also 23 (24 on 26th of this month). We have been together since we were 18, engaged at 19 and married last year on August 20th, so we have been married 11 months. We were also together at school but broke up for 3 or so years to go separate ways. A few weeks ago, my husband dropped the big shock that he wasn't happy, he didnt know what he wanted. he loves me but doesnt know if hes in love with me anymore. He says that he sees me as his best friend more so than his lover, he also confessed that he thought he had feelings for someone he works with.. when i later asked him about his feelings he said he didnt have any for her and that he likes her as a friend and he likes her company. This was all such a shock to me- i had no idea. I thought that we were perfectly happy and getting on great. I would just like to add that his family are going through some problems with his younger brother. there have been constant problems with his family, violence to do with his dad, issues with his brother who is now in hospital, and my husband suffers from depression. We talked it through, he said that he was going to move into his dads for a while and i asked that he would wait until we got back from time away from being with his family and if he still felt like he wanted to go then that was fine, and he agreed. We discussed things and we seemed to be fine. The time away seemed to go well, we got on great, i felt as though we had worked through some things, we were all over eachother physically. Some things happened over the weekend that we got back from the time away and he told me he was going to leave to go to his dads. He couldnt tell me how long he was going for, at first he said a couple of weeks and then he said he didnt know if he was going to come back. My whole world fell apart there and then. A few days after he moved out, possibly a week (we are currently on week 3 of him moving out) he told me that he thinks it will end in divorce, but that he wasnt going to do it yet because 'it was too soon and there was too much going on'. I asked that he would go to marriage counselling and he refused. then said if by the end of the month (july) i still wanted to go then he would. He gave me his reasons for his decision for this seperation and they were: i'm lazy. i'm too dependent on him. we want different things i'm too clingy that he didnt want to break up and make up for the rest of our lives. I have to say that at times, i was too clingy. There were some times where he would want to go out and i would tell him i didnt want him to go out, and he felt as though i was guilt tripping him. He slowly started to not go out with anyone. In the end it was ME trying to encourage HIM to go out. But he still wouldnt. I admit that i had a problem with that. I cant explain it and i dont really understand why i was really like it. I trust him, i just dont trust other people and sometimes i would be scared that girls would make a pass at him and i didnt like it. i'm lazy. There were times that i was. I have suffered from depression for many years now and i used to self harm. i have been self harm free for over a year now. there were times when he would clean up and i wouldn't. And usually it was around times when i was depressed for numerous reasons- the main being that i suffered 4 miscarriages in the time that we had been together since 2008 until 2011. he was going to move out once because my depression and self harm were getting out of hand, but i changed, i recovered and i i lifted myself back up, so he stayed. And that is what he is referring too as 'breaking up and making up'. I dont feel its fair to compare those 'breaking up' (one time he left for 2 days and then returned, another time he threatened to leave but didnt) to now because the situation has completely changed. im too dependent on him. i believe i was dependent on him, but not so much too dependent on him. admititly he was basically my only friend for a number of years and i didnt realise how suffocating that could be until recently. there were times that he was dependent on me too, when he was unemployed for 2 years and i supported him financially. By he wants different things he means work wise. He wants to get on in work. he wants to work his way up to being a manager and i however, dont want that in my job and he doesnt understand why. i have ALWAYS supported and encouraged him in his decisions with work. I have always told him to go for it, but that i didnt personally want to do that because there are things i want to do with my lives that doesnt involve where i am working now (in a supermarket). he just didnt support my decision in not moving up even though i supported him in his. i dont know what im meant to do. I realise that i have gone on a little too much in this post and i really apologise for that, but i havent really discussed this with anyone and i want an outsiders view on it. We have seen eachother two or three times since he left. he said to me at the start that he will give me his final decision at the end of july, but then hes mentioned divorce and the such. he agreed that we should meet as friends and get to know eachother. he says that he doesnt feel that i can change with the reasons that he has given me, but i have been working on them and i already feel as though i have made great improvments on them, but how am i meant to prove to him that i have made changes and i am constantly working on them if he doesnt see us as 'together' but seperated? I have started with the not talking so much or meeting so much, we went a week without talking, only a text here and there asking how eachother is. What am i meant to do? do i give up with trying? How to i try and show him that i have made changes and i can continue to make changes? Any advice that can be given is wholely appreciated. And i am so sorry i have gone on in this post so much. i realise its long so thank you to anyone that has got this far and that can give me advice i love him so much and i am so scared of losing him. he is my rock, my soul mate, my best friend and my lover. I feel as though everything is in termoil at the moment and im not coping well at all. i have been off work since he left but return tomorrow and i'm not sure if thats a good decision or not, but i have to do it sometime i guess. I just need advice. i have my parents telling me to forget him, friends telling me to work on myself (which i have been doing). i just dont know how im meant to go about showing him that i ave and am changing? Thanks & sorry for going on! Edited July 23, 2012 by Tillyhol
Author Tillyhol Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 I admit that there were times that i checked his text messages and they only ever talked when it was to do with work. On searching his phone once i saw he searched "*girls name* nude..* this was a few days before we separated, i asked him about it and he didnt give an explanation for it. Then he admitted his feelings. I have seen the girl in question and she told me outright, that she sees him as a friend and nothing more. A week before the separation on our first talk i asked that he delete her off facebook, that he only contact her with work and that he ask for a store trasnfer. He agreed. And then 2 days after he left, he added her on facebook and he had been texting her. i hate mentioning it because i dont want to push him into her arms.
divinedivorcee Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 My story is similar. I was married at 23 but I knew my Ex since 14. High school sweethearts. Broke up and separated for through out college. Six years into our marriage, my ex told me he wasn't in love with me anymore but loved me. He had a friend I was suspicious about but ended up having a baby with her a year later. That is all to make a long story short. I was totally in love and would have done almost anything for him. Turns out he was unhappy with alot of things I did. I believe he was depressed too. What I have realized after a lot of self reflection and prayer, is that a marriage takes too people. One side can't keep giving emotionally if the other is not willing to share their feelings and work them out. He has to work out his own issues. You can't save him. I know it is so hard but if he really loves you, he will seek you out and work with you and be truly honest. A year later, I am still processing my feelings and even started a blog (divinedivorcee.wordpress.com). I hope this helps.
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