Lost...

[Rienne]

Hi, I'm new here and after reading several different threads, I've decided there is a great group of people who post here, offering support and advice rather than posting mean and hurtful replies so I feel somewhat comfortable posting my story in the hopes of getting good advice from good, unbiased people. My husband reminds me several times a day what a horrible person I am so please, only reply if you can offer advice or input to help me rather than downgrading me. I know I'm not perfect and have owned my mistakes already.

Seven years ago, before we were married, I cheated on my husband in retaliation for him cheating on me. I don't know why I chose to cheat rather than just confront him about his infidelity, as I'm wise enough to know that two wrongs do not make a right...I can only say I was so hurt and blinded by rage upon finding out about him cheating that it clouded my judgment and I did the unthinkable. I immediately felt regret and forced myself to admit my wrong doing. That night, he raped me. As I was begging him to stop, he was telling me that what I was getting was what a cheating whore deserved. When he left me, lying naked and crying on the floor, I took a bottle of pills. I began thinking of my kids (who were spending the week at their grandparents) and realized I couldn't leave my innocent kids like that and I called for an ambulance and was admitted to the psych Ward for a week. My husband (then bf ) visited daily...which helped me immensely despite the rape, which I've buried away and never once mentioned until now). He vowed that although it'd be hard, we could work through it. I was released from the psychiatric hospital to him.

We were Very proactive in discussing everything (sans the rape) and working on our relationship. I vowed to do whatever it took to regain his trust and faith in me and our relationship.. After about six months, it seemed finally as though life was finally back to normal.

About a year later, his ex-wife got arrested on manufacturing of meth charges and we decided to go for custody of their daughter. Our attorney informed us that our chances of winning would greatly increase if we were married, which we had both agreed early on that we wouldn't do. He felt that marriage was something that should happen once in a persons life, not multiple times and I personally never had a desire for marriage. I never was that little girl who planned her perfect wedding. I would have been happy forever just having him by my side for the rest of my life. I don't need a piece of paper to prove love to me. So regardless of what the attorney said, I was still shocked when he presented me with a ring and asked me to be his forever wife. I couldn't say no...I love him. And after all, it would help get his little girl in a healthy, drug free environment. Plus my own kids adored him and he treated them as if they were his.

For five solid years we had a picture perfect relationship. We were that couple that everyone envied...we never fought or argued. We were a team taking on the world together and life couldn't have been any better. My world did and still does revolve around him and our family (I also, alone, obtained sole custody of his then ten year old neglected nephew).

About eight months ago I began suffering excruciating upper back pain, which consumed me. At times, I can't get out of bed the pain is so horrible. After months of going to different doctors and hospitals, I (three weeks ago) was diagnosed with degenerative disk disease. My vertebrae are essentially crumbling. I begin pain management in two days with surgery to follow not long after. Coincidentally, when my pain started, my interest in sex dwindled. It's a chore for me to carry a laundry basket right now...and sex hurts bad and isn't at all appealing to me until I can get the pain under control. Because of this, my husband has been throwing my affair from 7 years ago, before we were married, in my face. He insists that I must be getting it somewhere else and he refuses to even consider that my back pain is truly the reason I've lost interest in sex. I've also lost interest in traveling because sitting in one position too long causes so much pain. I've lost interest in cooking because just crouching down to reach that frying pan can put me in bed for two days. I've lost interest in everything because it HURTS! But all he sees is my lack of interest in sex and my pain is absolutely no excuse for it.

He now says he can't get over me cheating 7 years ago, despite our perfect marriage for five years during which he never brought it up, he treated me like a queen and loved me better than anyone ever could. Suddenly, I'm a cheating, lying, whore no matter what I do. I sit at home with our kids all day everyday (he won't allow me to work). The highlight of my weeks are grocery shopping and doctor appointments. Two days ago he told me to go do something with one of my friends, it might make me feel better. I could have made plans to go to a bar or a party but instead I made plans with my friend and her two kids to go to church and then to take our kids to the park.

Church inspired me and filled me with hope and it was nice to sit at the gazebo in the park and watch my kids enjoy playing. But alas! At the end of the day, I was a lying, cheating whore all over again. I don't know what to do anymore. Everything I do is wrong, even if I do exactly what he says, he finds some reason to turn it into a fight over my 7 year old mistake. I don't want to lose my family. I don't want to hurt the kids by splitting up. I want to save my marriage but I don't know what else to do. I'm becoming more and more mentally unstable every day and fear I may snap and be institutionalized again.

I asked him why he even married me if he held so much resentment towards me...his reply? He loves me. I'm beginning to feel more and more like he married me to get custody of his daughter and now that her mother is sober and HE decided to allow her to return to her mother's home, my purpose in his life is done. I'm no longer needed. I feel like he's using my affair (a one time only thing) as an excuse to mentally beat me up and make me leave him that way I'm the bad guy leaving the marriage, not him. That way he can still be Mr. Perfect Golden Boy to our friends and our families.

With every harsh word or innuendo that he makes, he breaks my soul just a little bit more. I feel hollow, empty and alone. I don't live anymore, I merely exist...and most of the time I don't even want to do that. I want to crawl into a hole somewhere and just die. I don't know what to do anymore...please help me someone. Please help guide me in the right direction. I just want to be able to smile again...I want to enjoy my kids and not hide in the bathroom and cry ten times a day. Please help me someone. I hurt so bad.

[Steen719]

Hi, I'm new here and after reading several different threads, I've decided there is a great group of people who post here, offering support and advice rather than posting mean and hurtful replies so I feel somewhat comfortable posting my story in the hopes of getting good advice from good, unbiased people. My husband reminds me several times a day what a horrible person I am so please, only reply if you can offer advice or input to help me rather than downgrading me. I know I'm not perfect and have owned my mistakes already.

Seven years ago, before we were married, I cheated on my husband in retaliation for him cheating on me. I don't know why I chose to cheat rather than just confront him about his infidelity, as I'm wise enough to know that two wrongs do not make a right...I can only say I was so hurt and blinded by rage upon finding out about him cheating that it clouded my judgment and I did the unthinkable. I immediately felt regret and forced myself to admit my wrong doing. That night, he raped me. As I was begging him to stop, he was telling me that what I was getting was what a cheating whore deserved. When he left me, lying naked and crying on the floor, I took a bottle of pills. I began thinking of my kids (who were spending the week at their grandparents) and realized I couldn't leave my innocent kids like that and I called for an ambulance and was admitted to the psych Ward for a week. My husband (then bf ) visited daily...which helped me immensely despite the rape, which I've buried away and never once mentioned until now). He vowed that although it'd be hard, we could work through it. I was released from the psychiatric hospital to him.

We were Very proactive in discussing everything (sans the rape) and working on our relationship. I vowed to do whatever it took to regain his trust and faith in me and our relationship.. After about six months, it seemed finally as though life was finally back to normal.

About a year later, his ex-wife got arrested on manufacturing of meth charges and we decided to go for custody of their daughter. Our attorney informed us that our chances of winning would greatly increase if we were married, which we had both agreed early on that we wouldn't do. He felt that marriage was something that should happen once in a persons life, not multiple times and I personally never had a desire for marriage. I never was that little girl who planned her perfect wedding. I would have been happy forever just having him by my side for the rest of my life. I don't need a piece of paper to prove love to me. So regardless of what the attorney said, I was still shocked when he presented me with a ring and asked me to be his forever wife. I couldn't say no...I love him. And after all, it would help get his little girl in a healthy, drug free environment. Plus my own kids adored him and he treated them as if they were his.

For five solid years we had a picture perfect relationship. We were that couple that everyone envied...we never fought or argued. We were a team taking on the world together and life couldn't have been any better. My world did and still does revolve around him and our family (I also, alone, obtained sole custody of his then ten year old neglected nephew).

About eight months ago I began suffering excruciating upper back pain, which consumed me. At times, I can't get out of bed the pain is so horrible. After months of going to different doctors and hospitals, I (three weeks ago) was diagnosed with degenerative disk disease. My vertebrae are essentially crumbling. I begin pain management in two days with surgery to follow not long after. Coincidentally, when my pain started, my interest in sex dwindled. It's a chore for me to carry a laundry basket right now...and sex hurts bad and isn't at all appealing to me until I can get the pain under control. Because of this, my husband has been throwing my affair from 7 years ago, before we were married, in my face. He insists that I must be getting it somewhere else and he refuses to even consider that my back pain is truly the reason I've lost interest in sex. I've also lost interest in traveling because sitting in one position too long causes so much pain. I've lost interest in cooking because just crouching down to reach that frying pan can put me in bed for two days. I've lost interest in everything because it HURTS! But all he sees is my lack of interest in sex and my pain is absolutely no excuse for it.

He now says he can't get over me cheating 7 years ago, despite our perfect marriage for five years during which he never brought it up, he treated me like a queen and loved me better than anyone ever could. Suddenly, I'm a cheating, lying, whore no matter what I do. I sit at home with our kids all day everyday (he won't allow me to work). The highlight of my weeks are grocery shopping and doctor appointments. Two days ago he told me to go do something with one of my friends, it might make me feel better. I could have made plans to go to a bar or a party but instead I made plans with my friend and her two kids to go to church and then to take our kids to the park.

Church inspired me and filled me with hope and it was nice to sit at the gazebo in the park and watch my kids enjoy playing. But alas! At the end of the day, I was a lying, cheating whore all over again. I don't know what to do anymore. Everything I do is wrong, even if I do exactly what he says, he finds some reason to turn it into a fight over my 7 year old mistake. I don't want to lose my family. I don't want to hurt the kids by splitting up. I want to save my marriage but I don't know what else to do. I'm becoming more and more mentally unstable every day and fear I may snap and be institutionalized again.

I asked him why he even married me if he held so much resentment towards me...his reply? He loves me. I'm beginning to feel more and more like he married me to get custody of his daughter and now that her mother is sober and HE decided to allow her to return to her mother's home, my purpose in his life is done. I'm no longer needed. I feel like he's using my affair (a one time only thing) as an excuse to mentally beat me up and make me leave him that way I'm the bad guy leaving the marriage, not him. That way he can still be Mr. Perfect Golden Boy to our friends and our families.

With every harsh word or innuendo that he makes, he breaks my soul just a little bit more. I feel hollow, empty and alone. I don't live anymore, I merely exist...and most of the time I don't even want to do that. I want to crawl into a hole somewhere and just die. I don't know what to do anymore...please help me someone. Please help guide me in the right direction. I just want to be able to smile again...I want to enjoy my kids and not hide in the bathroom and cry ten times a day. Please help me someone. I hurt so bad.

 

Why are you so "bad" for cheating and he is not? I cannot understand that. That is where I would start. Maybe you could explain that first.

[worldgonewrong]

You are a beautiful person, period. You are flawed, imperfect, and make mistakes, like everyone, but you are worthy of love.

Your husband is a sociopath who will only maintain parasitic relationships with people -- him as the parasite, everyone else as hosts who will be emotionally/physically/spiritually siphoned until they are of no use any longer.

All of this Jerry-Springer-esque crap in your life is a drain -- and you deserve to LIVE.

Right now, this man is just an Angel of Death, or DEMON rather. You need to get your head straight and run, for YOUR sake and the sake of the kids.

Keep one thing in your brain: what you have experienced on multiple levels is NOT love. People need love, like plants bending to sunlight, or else they die. You need and deserve love. Accept your mistake(s) and move on. ((hugs))

[Rienne]

My cheating always over shadowed his and although I was never given an apology or any kind of explanation, I was able to overcome his infidelity because I love him. I never throw it up at him...even when he's telling me how horrible I am. While I admit what I did was wrong, I didn't think I'd pay for it forever...especially after five years of a great marriage. I appreciate any and all advice and input. I probably do need to build myself up and just leave...even if I'm the 'bad guy' for doing it....I'm so far down, I don't know where to begin. Does anyone know of any literature or resources that may help?

[Meatballsmom]

Sounds to me like the old double standard.

 

If the man cheats he's a stud

 

If the woman cheats she's a slut

 

This marriage can not last long into the future until there is some equality, and your cheating is canceled by his cheating.

[Gunny376]

This guy has some serious issues to deal with and a hell of a lot of growing up to do.

 

He rapes you, cheats on you, berates you, puts you down? You've serious medical issues with your back and he talks to you like and treats you like a whore.

 

The only difference between your marriage and the Titantic is she had a band playing as she went down?

 

I don't get where people get off putting other people down ~ and what is more I don't like it ~ and I really mean I seriously don't like it. :mad:

 

Every single human being on this planet has one single unit of "value" regardless of who they are or what they may do or not do in this life. Itrs all the same and equal the day we're born and it remains the same throughout the days of our life. What we do or don't do, who we become or don't become, what we accomplish or don't accomplish neither increases nor decreases.

 

Marriage is suppose to be about the good and best in life ~ granted it comes with it struggles ~ but life is a struggle no matter who you are.

 

Life is hard ~ its harder if your stupid!

 

There's a difference between being stupid and ignorant. Ignorant is when you simply don't have the pre-requistite knowledge, experience, and tools and skills necessary to do or not do that which is required.

 

Stupid is when you do have all of those thing, and you do or don't do something that you should do or shouldn't do ~ that is to say you knowbetter.

 

Marriage ~ relationships should bring out the best in us, not the worse ~ although it has the propensity and potential to do both ~ or either.

 

Life is just too damn short to live it with someone whom you've described. But you just can't up and leave, (unless your and yours are in physical harm ~ he's already half way there with the mental and emotional neglect and torture he's inflicting upon you)

 

Sex or lack there of seems to be a key issue with him. IMHO he's a freaking idiot. He's a had a damn good woman placed before him and he can't see that. I hate to say it, but he's treating you more like a vaginal life support system ~ or a sperm depository more than an individual, a person, a human being, a woman, a Wife, a Mother.

 

Vinnnie and his boys with a couple of Louville Sluggers need to pay this clown a visit and give this clown a good working over ~ and then ask him if he's in the mood for sex! :lmao: He's in a serious need of a lesson in objectivity and relativity.

 

Its not a question of if you should leave him, but how and when. He's never going to change. You can't teach nor change idiots. You just can't.

 

You asked for some resources and such ~ and I read a lot, have a lot of books on a lot of different subjects. I visit the libaray and bookstores on a regular basis. Surf the internet quite a bit when searching for solutions to problems and answers to questions.

 

Not once have I've come across ~ "How To Deal With Clowns, Idiots, And *******s!"or "An Dummy's Guide On How To Deal With Clowns, Idiots, And *******s!" (Maybe I should become the author ~ I've a lot of life experience! :lmao:)

 

Were it me? I'd start planning and plotting my great escape.

 

You sound as though your truly good person who might have made some wrong (notice I didn't say "bad" choices) choices. Welcome to the club. Its not an exclusive one. Every person that ever was and that will ever be belongs to it. If this is the worse you've ever done ~ then your way ~ and I mean way ahead of the norm.

[Gunny376]

Sounds to me like the old double standard.

 

If the man cheats he's a stud

 

If the woman cheats she's a slut

 

But there's the male version ~ that us men get which is ~

 

"If he cheats it his fault ~ and if she cheats? Its still his fault??"

 

Doesn't have to do with being a man or woman? Both of them are straight out of the "Cheaters Handbook" :mad:

[The Tallest One]

Rienne, Hi first off and welcome to TLS! Noone deserves to be treated the way he is treating you. It is a double standard how he is treating you. For your sake and your kids sake, you need to turn to someone who can really quide you. I would speak to your family doctor and get a referrel for a therapist. I have one and it really helps a lot.

 

I don't know how you got past him raping you? If a man loves a women he would never do such a henious thing. Right now you need help for your emotional wellbeing as well as your self esteem which he continues to beat down on a daily basis.

 

He sounds abusive and controlling and that's no way to live. Also go to your local book store, there are many books about boundaries and healthy relationships. Talk to friends, family, a priest or pastor maybe. Seek help for you and your kids.

 

Take Care!