DDay forced by me (OW). BS spouse called me.

[KathyM]

A quick update. I am back at work after meeting with her. We had agreed yesterday to meet at noon at a local restaurant. She was there promptly, I got there about 5 minutes late. We were there for 1.5 hours. The only thing I can say right now is that he does not deserve either of us. She is a wonderful woman just as I am and we were both lied to. She knew all along but she put up with it, he would never admit to it when he was asked, so she wanted confirmation from my part. I did tell all because he threw me under the bus big time, saying I was obsessed with him and would go look for him at work and would not leave him alone!!! We just took a day trip on Friday and she was very surprised at that. I told her a lot of details and she asked to see some pictures which I showed. I had some questions as well and yes, he lied to me on a lot of things as well. I'll come back to post more details later. She thanked me for telling the truth she was not getting from him.

 

I am devastated, I cannot believe this is happening to me. I believed everything he said, he seemed so honest with me, he deserves an Oscar. I do not want to hear from him ever again. I am tired. Now I fear for my safety, I have seen an aggressive part of him I never knew he had and I need to protect myself. He is going to be livid when he finds out I shared details and some photos with her. She asked me to. God protect me from MM fury if she tells him everything I told her. She said she would be discreet about it but at this point she could now throw me under the bus but I do not care, I just want to be away from them and let them figure out their marriage. He had me in limbo for 2.5 years and his actions showed he wants to stay committed to his marriage so it is now time for me to look forward to my future. I am free. Yes, the truth will set you free. I just have to worry about my safety now. Wish me luck.

You did the right thing by giving her the truth. I'm glad you set yourself free from this twisted relationship and this unhealthy triangle. Now you have given yourself a chance to have a relationship with someone built on trust and honesty, rather than lies and deception. You did the right thing by speaking the truth, and I doubt your MM would have the nerve to try to mess with you at this point. If, for some reason, he continues to bother you, get a restraining order filed against him. That will keep him away.

[canuckprincess]

I think the bs has been lied to for far too long, I think you should tell her the truth and the whole truth not the downplayed version. I'm curious why you told her about the relationship. I would be worried about the threats to harm herself. Your MM needs to remove the guns from the house. I can say if my boyfriends wife called me I'd tell her the truth. I figure she's been lied to enough. Keep in mind she may not believe you so bring proof cause she may not want to believe you because it's just to painful. Be safe and keep us posted.

[hurting tonight]

Kathy just because MM was in an affair does not make him a bad person, nor I. Unlike you other women who are scorned and angry, which I'm not because I was content just being an OW. I would never betray him like I said. I knew what the time was that we spent together, and what to expect.

[alexandria35]

hurtingtonight you are wrong about the posters here. I'm not a BW and I'm not scorned and angry. MissBee and Ladygrey are not scorned and angry. Even most of the BW's here no longer feel scorned and angry. We are just people who understand the value of honesty and integrity. We know that there is no value in giving loyalty and devotion to a selfish dishonest man.I know I know...your MM is the only MM in the world who is neither selfish or dishonest. Read gettingtired's update about how she now knows how the MM is portraying her in the affair. You better believe that your MM is doing the same to you. Right now he is telling his wife all kinds of lies about you so that she will hate you and think you were the culprit. You just go ahead and keep right on being loyal and devoted to a man who doesn't feel the same about you. He feels no loyalty or devotion to you at the moment, right now he's all about taking care of himself. Poor poor unselfish misunderstood man that he is. But hey if you like giving your all to a man who will drive the bus over you, put the bus in reverse and drive over you again all for the sake of protecting his own ass, then you just keep right on doing that. Don't let anyone here deter you.

[whichwayisup]

A quick update. I am back at work after meeting with her. We had agreed yesterday to meet at noon at a local restaurant. She was there promptly, I got there about 5 minutes late. We were there for 1.5 hours. The only thing I can say right now is that he does not deserve either of us. She is a wonderful woman just as I am and we were both lied to. She knew all along but she put up with it, he would never admit to it when he was asked, so she wanted confirmation from my part. I did tell all because he threw me under the bus big time, saying I was obsessed with him and would go look for him at work and would not leave him alone!!! We just took a day trip on Friday and she was very surprised at that. I told her a lot of details and she asked to see some pictures which I showed. I had some questions as well and yes, he lied to me on a lot of things as well. I'll come back to post more details later. She thanked me for telling the truth she was not getting from him.

 

I am devastated, I cannot believe this is happening to me. I believed everything he said, he seemed so honest with me, he deserves an Oscar. I do not want to hear from him ever again. I am tired. Now I fear for my safety, I have seen an aggressive part of him I never knew he had and I need to protect myself. He is going to be livid when he finds out I shared details and some photos with her. She asked me to. God protect me from MM fury if she tells him everything I told her. She said she would be discreet about it but at this point she could now throw me under the bus but I do not care, I just want to be away from them and let them figure out their marriage. He had me in limbo for 2.5 years and his actions showed he wants to stay committed to his marriage so it is now time for me to look forward to my future. I am free. Yes, the truth will set you free. I just have to worry about my safety now. Wish me luck.

 

So was her 'suicidal' reaction a lie, the gun etc? Did he make that up or exaggerate?

 

either way, now you both know what a scumball he is and how great he is at lying, manipulating and pretending. so selfish and totally narcissistic!

 

DO NOT speak to him. If he shows up at your doorstep, and you feel threatend by him, call 911.

[hurting tonight]

I know he is and doesn't have a choice.Intially I was hurt and angry, but I knew this is what to expect from the situation. You go into it with your eyes wide open. Right now for him it's self preservation. Honestly I don't think we will ever speak again, and if we do, then we do.

[whichwayisup]

hurtingtonight you are wrong about the posters here. I'm not a BW and I'm not scorned and angry. MissBee and Ladygrey are not scorned and angry. Even most of the BW's here no longer feel scorned and angry. We are just people who understand the value of honesty and integrity. We know that there is no value in giving loyalty and devotion to a selfish dishonest man.I know I know...your MM is the only MM in the world who is neither selfish or dishonest. Read gettingtired's update about how she now knows how the MM is portraying her in the affair. You better believe that your MM is doing the same to you. Right now he is telling his wife all kinds of lies about you so that she will hate you and think you were the culprit. You just go ahead and keep right on being loyal and devoted to a man who doesn't feel the same about you. He feels no loyalty or devotion to you at the moment, right now he's all about taking care of himself. Poor poor unselfish misunderstood man that he is. But hey if you like giving your all to a man who will drive the bus over you, put the bus in reverse and drive over you again all for the sake of protecting his own ass, then you just keep right on doing that. Don't let anyone here deter you.

 

Great reply.

 

Hurting, you need to pay attention to this : I am devastated, I cannot believe this is happening to me. I believed everything he said, he seemed so honest with me, he deserves an Oscar. and never say never. You only know parts of your MM, not ALL of him. Even the OP's wife didn't know who he was, who he became with his web of manipulative lies. Your exMM's shi.t stinks too, he is so not an innocent person. he's a very skilled liar, like most MM.

[whichwayisup]

I know he is and doesn't have a choice.Intially I was hurt and angry, but I knew this is what to expect from the situation. You go into it with your eyes wide open. Right now for him it's self preservation. Honestly I don't think we will ever speak again, and if we do, then we do.

 

No, he did have a choice. TO walk away and be with you. But instead he's chosen to walk away from you..He chose his wife and marriage, the life he built with her instead of a life he could have built based on an affair setting, on the expense of his innocent wife.

[alexandria35]

I know he is and doesn't have a choice.Intially I was hurt and angry, but I knew this is what to expect from the situation. You go into it with your eyes wide open. Right now for him it's self preservation. Honestly I don't think we will ever speak again, and if we do, then we do.

 

Why doesn't he have a choice? Why does he have to lie and minimize you to his wife? Is he afraid for his life? Will his wife actually murder him if she hears the truth? Why can't he choose honesty?

[hurting tonight]

I never asked him to leave his wife, nor do I expect it.

[KathyM]

Kathy just because MM was in an affair does not make him a bad person, nor I. Unlike you other women who are scorned and angry, which I'm not because I was content just being an OW. I would never betray him like I said. I knew what the time was that we spent together, and what to expect.

Well, I guess it depends how you define a bad person. I tend to perceive a person based on their actions. The guy lied to, deceived and betrayed his wife. He used you to do it, and then disposed of you from his life. I guess you don't mind being used in that way for some reason. I don't understand, though, how you can say infidelity is wrong on all levels, and then go on to participate in it, and defend the guy's actions in doing it. I don't understand the contradiction.

[hurting tonight]

Would you be honest, I know I wouldn't. A couple of years ago when I moved out of my house before I took my house over, I got busted by my husband with a card I had wrote to my XAP. I didn't telly my husband the truth, lied to protect myself, and him. I knew my xh would have went off the deep end. I told him things that where far from what really happened. Everything. Till this day, that's what he knows. XAP has no idea my XH even knows that, and never will.

[hurting tonight]

I fell in love with XAP, if that was the only way to be with him, then that's what I did.

[MissBee]

I will take the title of scorned and angry if it means that I'm not loyal to someone who is in no way loyal to me.

 

If being loyal to some man who threw you under the bus and has since moved on with his life, and is happy that you have kept your mouth shut so he could have his cake and eat it too makes you feel like you've done a great thing...that's terrific.

 

I did not expect my exAP to leave. Never once asked him to and in fact told him that that made no sense. He also never asked me to lie for him. I have no idea if he expected me to, were there a dday, which there wasn't...but it didn't happen and today, years later, if somehow she called me up/emailed me and asked, what reason do I have to "protect" him? Sorry, guess I skipped that section in the OW or OW Alumni handbook. He did what he did, it's the truth. I am not required to rack my brain making up lies...for what? I have my life to live and I did what I did and own it and have no reason now to lie about it or protect a man I'm not with, especially if he had lied on me (my AP did not..but if he did, like yours did, whether he apologized or not, I'd not be keen on covering his ass.) You feel as you feel and do as you do...but others feel differently and see no great reward in being loyal to some MM who threw you under the bus and moved on.

[hurting tonight]

Honestly I don't want the hassles of a full time relationship. I like the idea of when I want to see you, I will. That's what made it so nice. No hassles.

[whichwayisup]

Hurting, maybe you should make your own thread since this thread isn't about you. I mean that nicely, it's just not fair to the original poster to take her situation off topic like this.

[woinlove]

Kathy just because MM was in an affair does not make him a bad person, nor I. Unlike you other women who are scorned and angry, which I'm not because I was content just being an OW. I would never betray him like I said. I knew what the time was that we spent together, and what to expect.

 

You other women?

One doesn't need to be scorned and angry to advocate for honesty and openness. As an OW, MM never asked me to lie or cover for him; instead, he quickly moved to separation and everything became out into the open. I did talk to the BW and was honest and MM would not have expected anything different from me. I find LS is most enlightening if one thinks of the arguments presented, either finding them valid or not, and does not try to categorize groups of posters, assigning them feelings that they may not even have. Two people, neither of whom are scorned and angry, can have different values, views and opinions as you and I do.

[whichwayisup]

Hurting, maybe you should make your own thread since this thread isn't about you. I mean that nicely, it's just not fair to the original poster to take her situation off topic like this.

 

Oops tried to edit but too late. Also it seems that many of us would like to try to help you and open your eyes to another angle of your situation and again, it's not fair for any of us to ask you questions and make comments on someone else's thread.

[alexandria35]

Would you be honest, I know I wouldn't. A couple of years ago when I moved out of my house before I took my house over, I got busted by my husband with a card I had wrote to my XAP. I didn't telly my husband the truth, lied to protect myself, and him. I knew my xh would have went off the deep end. I told him things that where far from what really happened. Everything. Till this day, that's what he knows. XAP has no idea my XH even knows that, and never will.

 

Okay now I understand where you are coming from and why you are so understanding of this MM's despicable behavior. You are the same as him, you also choose lies and deceit over honesty and openness so you can identify with your MM and why he does what he does. I get it now. You lie and decieve and your mm lies and deceives and I guess if that kind of life makes you feel happy and fullfilled then you're free to live that way. Good luck to ya

[hurting tonight]

@ Lady Grey, you have no idea how violent and scary my XH can be. I protected my XAP, because I knew my XH would cause him bodily harm, then go to prison. It was a very volatile time in my life. I had no choice. Till this day, I would never tell him.

[whichwayisup]

@ Lady Grey, you have no idea how violent and scary my XH can be. I protected my XAP, because I knew my XH would cause him bodily harm, then go to prison. It was a very volatile time in my life. I had no choice. Till this day, I would never tell him.

 

Since you knew how violent your exH could be, why on earth would you have an affair to begin with, putting yourself in harms way?

 

Anyway, I suggested you make your own thread so we can continue on talkin instead of thread jacking Getting Tired's thread.

[nofool4u]

How should I proceed? I feel I have done enough damage by forcing the DDay and I should not make the situation worse by revealing more details. But that means she will never get the truth she is looking for. I do not want MM to feel more betrayed by me if I release more information.

 

If you are not wanting to tell her the truth because you think she can't handle it, will fly off the deep end and commit suicide, I can sort of understand that.

 

But let me get this straight. The MM lies, cheats and betrays his wife. He lies to you, in turn betraying you. And you don't want MM to feel betrayed by you?

 

This guy has game.

[hurting tonight]

WWIU, to answer your question, then I wont post on here anymore. My XH and I where not together when this happened. Yes I had the affair when we where together, but I moved out. He wanted me back home, and I was torn between him and my MM. I told MM good bye at the time. I chose to go back home. XH came to help me move, that's when he found the card. There was no way I could tell him the whole truth, so it had to be a fabricated version. After being home for 2 months I realized I didn't love my XH, and moved back out again.

[SoMovinOn]

It's unfortunate you weren't aware of her mental state prior to forcing the D-Day. It's dangerous to buy into the "truth will set you free" mythology ... as you so readily found out.

 

At this point, it's all damage control ... trying to put the genie back into the bottle ... and no matter what you do, it will be a mess. I doubt there is anything you can do to make this better. It's really up to MM to help his W now.

[nofool4u]

It's unfortunate you weren't aware of her mental state prior to forcing the D-Day.

 

 

No, its unfortunate that she'd entertain sleeping with a liar and cheater, help betray the woman in the first place. And in the process of being lied to by MM herself, she STILL wants to tiptoe around this dog's feelings? THAT is what is unfortunate.