DDay forced by me (OW). BS spouse called me.

July 23, 2012

Morning all,

It has been a very emotional draining weekend. I forced a dday on Saturday and MM BS called me last night, very nice, very concerned about my well being as I was about hers. We are to meet today at noon. She asked me why I did not tell her before. MM has asked to cover for him since he told her we have only been in contact for 1 year, and only to lunch (he told her we have not been intimate). He does not want to tell her everything because she became suicidal yesterday, got one of his guns and left him a goodbye message and one to her mom as well (this is true since she confirmed it when I spoke to her yesterday).

I do not know what to do, if she is in this mental state, I do not want to make the situation worse by telling her the truth should she ask the details (I told her in our conversation I had photos, texts, etc.) I told her we have been having a relationship for 2.5 years and it has been intense, she asked me if he told me he was leaving her and I said yes. I asked for her forgiveness. She was very warm to me as I was to her, it was like talking to a friend, she felt for me because she understands that I was lied to as well. She told me MM told her I was the love of his life a couple of years ago when my XH (my H then) called her to tell her we were in touch.

MM is under a lot of pressure since the gun incident and has asked me not to release details, to back his story up. He says being the type of person she is, very low self esteem, she wouldn't be able to handle the truth.

MM was livid that I forced DDay, that I betrayed him, he called me every name in the insult book. He treated me so badly, he was furious, he insulted me so much. I felt I was going to die yesterday.

This morning he called me, he was calm and we talked about the events that happened this weekend. He was not aware that we are going to meet today.

How should I proceed? I feel I have done enough damage by forcing the DDay and I should not make the situation worse by revealing more details. But that means she will never get the truth she is looking for. I do not want MM to feel more betrayed by me if I release more information.

July 23, 2012

If you do meet with her please do it in a public place and keep an eye on her purse. A very disturbed woman may think taking you both out would be the answer. I wouldn't meet her. I'd do all my talking over the phone. But you do what you must, just stay safe.

In fact I would want him at the meeting too.

Edited July 23, 2012 by mercy
wanted to add

July 23, 2012

I would go and speak the truth.

And seeing as she has the potential to be armed, meet her in the courthouse:

1) lots of police and armed security

2) must pass metal detector and purse searches.

3) public building

Simply tell her, upfront, that you will go but it HAS to be there because of HER actions.

I'm glad you forced change - you deserve it.

And one other thing, whilee the W may hate you now, and likely will never be your best friend, I bet she comes to "thank you" in time.

July 23, 2012

no offense, but this guy sounds like kind of a knob...

anyway, I think that it's pretty admirable that you told her about his cheating...it's good that someone finally did.

Is there any way that you can take a friend along to this meeting? Sometime having a third party along in a tense situation can help diffuse things a bit. As for what information you share with her...the truth is probably the best way to go...but is there some other way you could share tis trtuh ( email phone call, IM, whatever)

If you truly believe she is suicidal, then I'd call the local crisis line ( or what have you) and let them know. Sad thing is that her hsuband shold be the one helping her, not you...yet you are showing more concern for her than he is ( this is what led to my "knob" comment above)

July 23, 2012

Because her mental state is not good, do not meet her. Stay away from this completely for a while and let him deal with this, get her the help she needs.

When someone is suicidal they aren't thinking straight and you don't want to be the one to push her over the edge. Especially since there's been a gun in the picture, do not go meet her.

Did you tell her in hopes that she would kick him out? Just trying to understand the timing of this.

July 23, 2012

MM was livid that I forced DDay, that I betrayed him, he called me every name in the insult book. He treated me so badly, he was furious, he insulted me so much. I felt I was going to die yesterday.

Based on this,you should end the r/s with him immediately. You don't deserve the insults and abuse, and him reacting this way makes it clear that the whole situation was built on his lies,manipulation and control of you (and her), not love.

Once you dump him, there won't be any conceivable need to talk to the BS. I agree with the others that she could be violent to you, so why take the risk? The best, most caring and moral thing you can do for both yourself and her is to end the r/s with her H.

July 23, 2012

Just be honest. You can do that over the phone.

Do not "cover for him!!!"

July 23, 2012

Gettingtired, this situation sounds so awful and I'm sorry MM is treating you so horribly too.

I don't know what you should do, but I would not continue the deception with someone in this bad shape (actually, with anyone, but particularly with someone in bad shape.) Even previously stable and healthy people can feel like they are crazy and unable to cope when they are getting a false reality from their spouse and sometimes also from the AP. Given how MM has treated you, I wonder how abusive he has been to his W. To add to any gaslighting her H is doing, would be inhumane and dangerous. I hope she has support around her, as often it seems that women in these situations have already been isolated in their M. A very sad situation.

July 23, 2012

OP since you opened this can of worms it would be cruel and heartless of you to start lying and gaslighting the BW now. If you talk to her please be honest. You can still be tactfull about certain details. Like you can tell her you had a sexual relationship with her husband without telling her things like he told you he hated sex with her or he thought she wasn't sexually appealing or whatever things that would be really hurtful for her to hear in the moment. I guess I'm saying you can be honest without plunging a knife through her heart and ripping it to shreds. I also think maybe you shouldn't meet with her in person. It's unlikely that she's going to kill herself or you but you can't ever know for sure. Perhaps you can call her and tell her that given how fresh and emotionally volatile the situation is at this moment that you dont' think it's a good idea to meet in person yet but that you are happy to talk about things over the phone.

Hurtingtonight, I hope one day soon you can see the bigger picture and understand that the pain and the fallout of an affair is mostly caused by the MM. The MM's lies and cheating is what was cruel. He was the one who caused all this heartbreak and devastation with his actions. Lets use an analogy. Say somebody close to me is stealing money from me. Say they're somehow pilfering money from my bank account. I don't know this person whom I love and is close to me is doing this. I don't even know that my money is being stolen because I don't keep an eye on that acct. Now lets say you do know what's going on and decide to tell me because you think I should know. I am devastated and hurt beyond belief not because of the missing money but because the theft was carried out by someone I love dearly and trusted completely. Now I'm beyond hurt and betrayed and my relationship with this person will never be the same. Is it your fault because you told me? Did you hurt me with the truth? Or did this other trusted person hurt me with their actions?

July 23, 2012

It's time to get this douchebag out of your life, and to free this captive woman from the clutches of her captor by exposing the truth she needs in order to be able to move on. You can tell her everything she needs to know through a phone call. She deserves to know the truth, and you're the only one who will give it to her. It's no wonder she's an emotional basket case if she's been dealing with half truths or lies for 2 1/2 years. Give her the truth once and for all, and then stay away from both of them. He is toxic, and you don't need crap like that in your life.

July 23, 2012

Maybe so. My and my xAP don't speak, doubt we ever will. It least he knows he can trust me.

You are the perfect OW for a cheating MM.

You hand HIM all YOUR power while he makes NO effort to be decent. This keeps the LIES going!

You stay quiet - helping him in the cover up - meanwhile he shows you nothing.

Why don't YOU value YOURSELF as much as you value him?

Why not have some moral principles that admit its all wrong and stand firm on getting/being HONEST?

You "protecting him" and all the lies is just backwards!

He's a liar and a thief (yes, you helped him steal time and energy from his marriage). Yet you seem to think that is ok as long as his W doesn't know about you.

Living in that dark hole of dishonesty is a lonely place.

July 23, 2012

My MM by the way did throw me under the bus, but said he was sorry for it the next day. I emailed him, said thank you for that. We know there's no hard feelings. I know I will never hear from him, but we cleared the air knowing there's no bad feelings. His wife doesn't know everything, and I would never betray him and tell her.

There's nothing honorable about HELPING him to keep lying and minimizing YOU!

You have a very unhealthy perspective of yourself and what's right.

You LIE for HIM! Nothing can make that right!

Your value system isn't thinking enough of yourself. Your fog is very thick!

July 23, 2012

I will say this again. Affairs are wrong on all levels yes. If you can't handle being an AP, then don't do it. I myself don't think and never will think of my XAP in those ways. He's a good person. I'm not going to defend him to you anyways. You guys border on extremists. I will never betray him, ever!!!!!!!

July 23, 2012

I know you guys are not going to agree with me, but I have to say something. What did you hope to gain by telling your MM wife? I mean really. That is cruelest act you could have done. I can't blame him for his reaction. Nuff said.

What is cruel is to keep the BS in the dark and lied to, taking away all options she has to an authentic life. What is cruel is to steel away the love and emotional connection another woman has from her husband, and plot to keep this wife in the dark and captive to a marriage that is a sham. Giving her the truth about her marriage and her life is the right thing to do. Everyone deserves the truth. Naturally, the MM reacted badly, since he is no longer able to have his cake and eat it, and will now be forced to come clean.

July 23, 2012

I will say this again. Affairs are wrong on all levels yes. If you can't handle being an AP, then don't do it. I myself don't think and never will think of my XAP in those ways. He's a good person. I'm not going to defend him to you anyways. You guys border on extremists. I will never betray him, ever!!!!!!!

Yet he betrayed you by throwing you under the bus. Sure he apologized, but he didn't have to throw you under the bus to begin with. He blame shifted and did what suited him best.

July 23, 2012

I would have never betrayed my MM in such a way. Even now, I'll protect him and myself. It least he knows I wouldn't do anything like to him.

Well some people are not as great OW as others.

Frankly, I would have been insulted if my exAP had asked me to lie for him and I would not have volunteered to do it to "protect him". Psssh....protect your own darn tail. Don't have an A if you aren't ready to lose it all should it come to light.

I suppose I'm not a ride or die OW lol . I'll be ride or die and have the back of my legitimate man...but a MM? No. Especially since most do not hesitate to throw the OW under the bus and lie about her and say she is crazy etc...although, maybe to some OW that would be seen as "protecting her".

July 23, 2012

My MM by the way did throw me under the bus, but said he was sorry for it the next day. I emailed him, said thank you for that. We know there's no hard feelings. I know I will never hear from him, but we cleared the air knowing there's no bad feelings. His wife doesn't know everything, and I would never betray him and tell her.

You could betray him and tell her....then say sorry, like he did you.

I don't see what's so important about him knowing you can trust him...but hey, to each her own.

I'm sure most MM aren't thinking you are such a sweet darling for not telling, but probably would feel they have died and gone to heaven by finding someone who they can toss under the bus and apologize to who will never ever do the same to them because they find them to be the second coming.

July 23, 2012

He did what he had to do at the time. He also warned me before he sent it, and said he was sorry. I understand it all, even though I was upset at first. I also accept not hearing from him, but knowing there's no hard feelings makes it tolerable.

July 23, 2012

I will say this again. Affairs are wrong on all levels yes. If you can't handle being an AP, then don't do it. I myself don't think and never will think of my XAP in those ways. He's a good person. I'm not going to defend him to you anyways. You guys border on extremists. I will never betray him, ever!!!!!!!

Do you hear your contradictions? You say affairs are wrong on all levels. Then in the same paragraph you say your MM is a good person, and have said that what the wife doesn't know won't hurt her. How can you believe things that are complete opposites? Why do you think he deserves loyalty but his wife does not? I can't fathom your contradictory thinking.

July 23, 2012

He did what he had to do at the time. He also warned me before he sent it, and said he was sorry. I understand it all, even though I was upset at first. I also accept not hearing from him, but knowing there's no hard feelings makes it tolerable.

You should be mad! Mad at YOURSELF for accepting UNacceptable behavior!

Sheez, open your eyes to how bad you are treating YOURSELF... And allowing him to follow suit!

July 23, 2012

All I'm saying is that hurting's MM's lucked out! If there is a MM's Club, he should be kicking back in the sky box toasting with the boys, at how great and loyal his OW is and who has the best OW who will "never ever!!!!!" betray them, no matter if they did the same. Lucky I tell ya!

July 23, 2012

A quick update. I am back at work after meeting with her. We had agreed yesterday to meet at noon at a local restaurant. She was there promptly, I got there about 5 minutes late. We were there for 1.5 hours. The only thing I can say right now is that he does not deserve either of us. She is a wonderful woman just as I am and we were both lied to. She knew all along but she put up with it, he would never admit to it when he was asked, so she wanted confirmation from my part. I did tell all because he threw me under the bus big time, saying I was obsessed with him and would go look for him at work and would not leave him alone!!! We just took a day trip on Friday and she was very surprised at that. I told her a lot of details and she asked to see some pictures which I showed. I had some questions as well and yes, he lied to me on a lot of things as well. I'll come back to post more details later. She thanked me for telling the truth she was not getting from him.

I am devastated, I cannot believe this is happening to me. I believed everything he said, he seemed so honest with me, he deserves an Oscar. I do not want to hear from him ever again. I am tired. Now I fear for my safety, I have seen an aggressive part of him I never knew he had and I need to protect myself. He is going to be livid when he finds out I shared details and some photos with her. She asked me to. God protect me from MM fury if she tells him everything I told her. She said she would be discreet about it but at this point she could now throw me under the bus but I do not care, I just want to be away from them and let them figure out their marriage. He had me in limbo for 2.5 years and his actions showed he wants to stay committed to his marriage so it is now time for me to look forward to my future. I am free. Yes, the truth will set you free. I just have to worry about my safety now. Wish me luck.

July 23, 2012

She thinks MM gave her a heads up because he cares about her.
That couldn't be furthest from the truth.

He's just making sure she's "all good" and potentially available to use up and throw away for some other time in the future.

It's too bad that women will accept this crap from men. And they have such loyalty to men who are so undeserving. Who are scumballs. I saw this scenario first hand with my older sister and her MM. He had her snowed and played her so bad. She would have done anything for him, and was oblivious to what was really going on.

July 23, 2012

A quick update. I am back at work after meeting with her. We had agreed yesterday to meet at noon at a local restaurant. She was there promptly, I got there about 5 minutes late. We were there for 1.5 hours. The only thing I can say right now is that he does not deserve either of us. She is a wonderful woman just as I am and we were both lied to. She knew all along but she put up with it, he would never admit to it when he was asked, so she wanted confirmation from my part. I did tell all because he threw me under the bus big time, saying I was obsessed with him and would go look for him at work and would not leave him alone!!! We just took a day trip on Friday and she was very surprised at that. I told her a lot of details and she asked to see some pictures which I showed. I had some questions as well and yes, he lied to me on a lot of things as well. I'll come back to post more details later. She thanked me for telling the truth she was not getting from him.

I am devastated, I cannot believe this is happening to me. I believed everything he said, he seemed so honest with me, he deserves an Oscar. I do not want to hear from him ever again. I am tired. Now I fear for my safety, I have seen an aggressive part of him I never knew he had and I need to protect myself. He is going to be livid when he finds out I shared details and some photos with her. She asked me to. God protect me from MM fury if she tells him everything I told her. She said she would be discreet about it but at this point she could now throw me under the bus but I do not care, I just want to be away from them and let them figure out their marriage. He had me in limbo for 2.5 years and his actions showed he wants to stay committed to his marriage so it is now time for me to look forward to my future. I am free. Yes, the truth will set you free. I just have to worry about my safety now. Wish me luck.

Thanks for the update. It sounds like you both handled yourself well. I hope MM will not be abusive. It sounds like you have what you need to begin the path of moving on, recovering from all this, and finding greater happiness. Quite likely there will be some setbacks as after 2.5 years there is a lot of attachment, but I hope that feeling of being free and looking towards the future stays with you.

July 23, 2012

A quick update. I am back at work after meeting with her. We had agreed yesterday to meet at noon at a local restaurant. She was there promptly, I got there about 5 minutes late. We were there for 1.5 hours. The only thing I can say right now is that he does not deserve either of us. She is a wonderful woman just as I am and we were both lied to. She knew all along but she put up with it, he would never admit to it when he was asked, so she wanted confirmation from my part. I did tell all because he threw me under the bus big time, saying I was obsessed with him and would go look for him at work and would not leave him alone!!! We just took a day trip on Friday and she was very surprised at that. I told her a lot of details and she asked to see some pictures which I showed. I had some questions as well and yes, he lied to me on a lot of things as well. I'll come back to post more details later. She thanked me for telling the truth she was not getting from him.

I am devastated, I cannot believe this is happening to me. I believed everything he said, he seemed so honest with me, he deserves an Oscar. I do not want to hear from him ever again. I am tired. Now I fear for my safety, I have seen an aggressive part of him I never knew he had and I need to protect myself. He is going to be livid when he finds out I shared details and some photos with her. She asked me to. God protect me from MM fury if she tells him everything I told her. She said she would be discreet about it but at this point she could now throw me under the bus but I do not care, I just want to be away from them and let them figure out their marriage. He had me in limbo for 2.5 years and his actions showed he wants to stay committed to his marriage so it is now time for me to look forward to my future. I am free. Yes, the truth will set you free. I just have to worry about my safety now. Wish me luck.

Good for you!

But why would she keep it discreet? The purpose of you telling was so that she'd know and probably confront him.

In any case, are you really worried about your safety??? What kind of man is he? I so suggest that now that you've told and you want to be done...leave them to deal with it. You don't need to be the mediator or referee in this and you should probably go ahead and avoid all contact with him henceforth.

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DDay forced by me (OW). BS spouse called me.

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