fray5 Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 We're both in our mid-twenties and been together for close to 7 months now. Things have been really awesome. She always texts with one of her good guy friends from college and I'm cool with that. However, I made the mistake of asking if they used to mess around. She said she took his virginity Freshman year of college. She also went on to tell me she understands he likes her, but he's in the friend zone and that's all. She said he even asked her to move where he lives to be with her, but she had to really explain that he was just a friend. This whole thing has made me feel a little uncomfortable. I mean, it was 6 years ago, but this guy is probably obsessed with her and I almost feel like it's unfair of her to keep texting him so much. He seems like a really nice guy, but i just don't really understand the situation. Could you all lend me some advice of what I should think/do with the situation?
TG1 Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 You should tell your girlfriend just how uncomfortable this makes you but don't confront the guy who she is friends with because if you do that, then in her eyes she will see you as controlling and I am sure you are not controlling but still tell her how this makes you feel and if she doesn't end this friendship with this other guy, then you will know where you guys stand as a couple
Author fray5 Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 You should tell your girlfriend just how uncomfortable this makes you but don't confront the guy who she is friends with because if you do that, then in her eyes she will see you as controlling and I am sure you are not controlling but still tell her how this makes you feel and if she doesn't end this friendship with this other guy, then you will know where you guys stand as a couple Yeah, I def don't want to seem controlling about the situation so I'll bring it up as subtly as I can to her. I just don't really know what it is I should be expecting of her to do with the situation. She's been friends with this guy for close to 7 years. Should I expect her to do away with their friendship? Like, what move should she make if I tell her it makes me uncomfortable?
Oxy Moronovich Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Tell her to stop contacting the dude and hanging out with him often. It's always a bad idea to date someone who is "friends" with their ex.
TG1 Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 I have to admit this guy does have a point about what he just said
SensitiveTJ Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 I agree with Oxy, once people sleep together you don't go back to being "friends." This girl should understand that she shouldn't be communicating with guys she's slept with now that she has a new relationship going on. That's really not respectful or sincere. 1
TG1 Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 I agree with Oxy, once people sleep together you don't go back to being "friends." This girl should understand that she shouldn't be communicating with guys she's slept with now that she has a new relationship going on. That's really not respectful or sincere. I agree most definitely
Author fray5 Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 I agree with Oxy, once people sleep together you don't go back to being "friends." This girl should understand that she shouldn't be communicating with guys she's slept with now that she has a new relationship going on. That's really not respectful or sincere. That's how I feel about the situation. For me, I wouldn't keep in touch with someone I used to sleep with. If I ever had contact it'd be replying to a text they sent me. I'm just really worried about how to approach asking her this bc I don't want to come off as controlling. I would prefer for her to not have contact with this guy, but it feels difficult to ask bc she's known him so long. Is this an unfair thing of me to ask or should I just make it clear to her that her being in contact with him is unhealthy for our relationship? Also, she doesn't physically hang out with this guy. It's just they text eachother, and I notice this also sometimes when I'm hanging out with her.
Author fray5 Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 Tell her to stop contacting the dude and hanging out with him often. It's always a bad idea to date someone who is "friends" with their ex. How do I go about asking her something like that without coming off as controlling? I also don't want to come off as insecure.
TG1 Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 That's how I feel about the situation. For me, I wouldn't keep in touch with someone I used to sleep with. If I ever had contact it'd be replying to a text they sent me. I'm just really worried about how to approach asking her this bc I don't want to come off as controlling. I would prefer for her to not have contact with this guy, but it feels difficult to ask bc she's known him so long. Is this an unfair thing of me to ask or should I just make it clear to her that her being in contact with him is unhealthy for our relationship? Also, she doesn't physically hang out with this guy. It's just they text eachother, and I notice this also sometimes when I'm hanging out with her. Make it clear to her that her being in contact with him is unhealthy for your guys' relationship and if she doesn't accept that, then it may be time for you guys to break up
CarrieT Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Tell her to stop contacting the dude and hanging out with him often. First off, it is never a good idea in a relationship to TELL another person to DO anything. You will come across and controlling, manipulative, and insecure. Sure sign of ending a relationship. Now you can advise your partner how uncomfortable something makes you feel and discuss it rationally, but beyond that, it is their choice who they are friends with. It's always a bad idea to date someone who is "friends" with their ex. Secondly, it not always a bad idea to date someone who is "friends" with an ex. Many, many mature people are able to be friends with Ex's without having it affect their current relationship. I am friends with most of my Ex's. Heck, just yesterday I went to the baby shower of my best friend; not only was it a co-ed shower, but it was hosted by one of her Ex's and the father of the child is fine with it. The Ex was also the one who took my friend's virginity! But she is having a child with a new man and THAT is the important relationship. Don't necessarily think in such blanket, polarized concepts. Statements like "it is always a bad idea" is rarely good advice because different people are able to operate and function differently.
Author fray5 Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 First off, it is never a good idea in a relationship to TELL another person to DO anything. You will come across and controlling, manipulative, and insecure. Sure sign of ending a relationship. Now you can advise your partner how uncomfortable something makes you feel and discuss it rationally, but beyond that, it is their choice who they are friends with. Secondly, it not always a bad idea to date someone who is "friends" with an ex. Many, many mature people are able to be friends with Ex's without having it affect their current relationship. I am friends with most of my Ex's. Heck, just yesterday I went to the baby shower of my best friend; not only was it a co-ed shower, but it was hosted by one of her Ex's and the father of the child is fine with it. The Ex was also the one who took my friend's virginity! But she is having a child with a new man and THAT is the important relationship. Don't necessarily think in such blanket, polarized concepts. Statements like "it is always a bad idea" is rarely good advice because different people are able to operate and function differently. Thanks so much for the post. I feel the same way about telling people what to do and it's something I don't want to do. I really do feel like she has a mature perspective on it, but I can't say the same for the guy friend. I just know he'd jump on the first opportunity to be with her. That is what makes me uncomfortable. Do you think if I just speak with her on the phone (we live 3 hrs apart) and tell her it makes me uncomfortable especially for the reason I just stated, that'd be an ok way to approach it?
TG1 Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Thanks so much for the post. I feel the same way about telling people what to do and it's something I don't want to do. I really do feel like she has a mature perspective on it, but I can't say the same for the guy friend. I just know he'd jump on the first opportunity to be with her. That is what makes me uncomfortable. Do you think if I just speak with her on the phone (we live 3 hrs apart) and tell her it makes me uncomfortable especially for the reason I just stated, that'd be an ok way to approach it? Yes you definitely should and see what she says
Author fray5 Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 Yes you definitely should and see what she says Ok, thanks for the help! Another thing I want to ask her is if it was just that one time their freshman year or if they continued to hook up over their friendship. Is that too much to ask her or not? I think it could be relevant in gauging her response to the fact it makes me uncomfortable. B the way, I really appreciate all the help. I know I have a million question, but I just want to be cautious I don't cause any problems when I bring this up to her!
TG1 Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Ok, thanks for the help! Another thing I want to ask her is if it was just that one time their freshman year or if they continued to hook up over their friendship. Is that too much to ask her or not? I think it could be relevant in gauging her response to the fact it makes me uncomfortable. B the way, I really appreciate all the help. I know I have a million question, but I just want to be cautious I don't cause any problems when I bring this up to her! Yes you should ask her especially if you guys don't have any secrets between you two and have you been honest with her about the girls you have hooked up with, and if she can be honest with you about everything, and you are honest with her about everything, then you should ask her, so then that way you guys are solid
Oxy Moronovich Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 fray5, I understand where Carrie T is coming from. But I think she's off on many things. How many times have women told men that if they don't get into an exclusive relation or marry them or have kids with them, then the relationship is over? Virtually all women who have been in relationships have given men those types of ultimatums? Are those ultimatums not controlling, manipulative, and insecure? Whenever someone is still "friends" with their ex, one or both parties is still harboring feelings. I've seen it so many times where I can say yes, this is always the case. fray5, people who are "friends" with their exes won't admit this. If they did admit this, then it would make their "friendship" look like a sham. You know the dude. You know he makes you feel uncomfortable. You can talk to her politely and say, "Jessica, I understand yer still friends with Curtis. But I'm positive he still has strong feelings for you. His bad attitude toward me and his fawning over you make me feel uncomfortable. Is there any way you can stop hanging around with him?"
TG1 Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 fray5, I understand where Carrie T is coming from. But I think she's off on many things. How many times have women told men that if they don't get into an exclusive relation or marry them or have kids with them, then the relationship is over? Virtually all women who have been in relationships have given men those types of ultimatums? Are those ultimatums not controlling, manipulative, and insecure? Whenever someone is still "friends" with their ex, one or both parties is still harboring feelings. I've seen it so many times where I can say yes, this is always the case. fray5, people who are "friends" with their exes won't admit this. If they did admit this, then it would make their "friendship" look like a sham. You know the dude. You know he makes you feel uncomfortable. You can talk to her politely and say, "Jessica, I understand yer still friends with Curtis. But I'm positive he still has strong feelings for you. His bad attitude toward me and his fawning over you make me feel uncomfortable. Is there any way you can stop hanging around with him?" You should take this approach and see what happens
Author fray5 Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 fray5, I understand where Carrie T is coming from. But I think she's off on many things. How many times have women told men that if they don't get into an exclusive relation or marry them or have kids with them, then the relationship is over? Virtually all women who have been in relationships have given men those types of ultimatums? Are those ultimatums not controlling, manipulative, and insecure? Whenever someone is still "friends" with their ex, one or both parties is still harboring feelings. I've seen it so many times where I can say yes, this is always the case. fray5, people who are "friends" with their exes won't admit this. If they did admit this, then it would make their "friendship" look like a sham. You know the dude. You know he makes you feel uncomfortable. You can talk to her politely and say, "Jessica, I understand yer still friends with Curtis. But I'm positive he still has strong feelings for you. His bad attitude toward me and his fawning over you make me feel uncomfortable. Is there any way you can stop hanging around with him?" I think this is really good advice, Oxy. Her and this guy don't live near one another so they don't hang out. They just text often and she'll bring him up here and there. I think asking in the way of the example you just demonstrated is a good approach. I just think instead of saying, "would you stop hanging out with him", I might say something like "it makes me uncomfortable and I think it's unhealthy for our relationship". Then see what she says (which I'm very nervous about what her repsonse will be). Does that sound ok?
Author fray5 Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 You should take this approach and see what happens I think so too. I just hope she doesn't get defensive or anything
TG1 Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 I think so too. I just hope she doesn't get defensive or anything And if she gets defensive, then that means she definitely has something to hide from you or that she may be lying to you right to your face but tell her that she needs to be honest with you especially if you guys want your relationship to work
Author fray5 Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 fray5, I understand where Carrie T is coming from. But I think she's off on many things. How many times have women told men that if they don't get into an exclusive relation or marry them or have kids with them, then the relationship is over? Virtually all women who have been in relationships have given men those types of ultimatums? Are those ultimatums not controlling, manipulative, and insecure? Whenever someone is still "friends" with their ex, one or both parties is still harboring feelings. I've seen it so many times where I can say yes, this is always the case. fray5, people who are "friends" with their exes won't admit this. If they did admit this, then it would make their "friendship" look like a sham. You know the dude. You know he makes you feel uncomfortable. You can talk to her politely and say, "Jessica, I understand yer still friends with Curtis. But I'm positive he still has strong feelings for you. His bad attitude toward me and his fawning over you make me feel uncomfortable. Is there any way you can stop hanging around with him?" Also, I wanted to mention that she said she's aware that he has feelings for her but she just ignores it. That just sounds weird to me. It's like maybe she likes the attention? I dunno
TG1 Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Also, I wanted to mention that she said she's aware that he has feelings for her but she just ignores it. That just sounds weird to me. It's like maybe she likes the attention? I dunno Or maybe she is waiting for the other guy to make a play for her
Author fray5 Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 And if she gets defensive, then that means she definitely has something to hide from you or that she may be lying to you right to your face but tell her that she needs to be honest with you especially if you guys want your relationship to work We've always been very honest with each other, her especially. So, we'll see how it goes I guess.
Author fray5 Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 Or maybe she is waiting for the other guy to make a play for her I really don't think that's the case. He's asked her before to be with him and she said they're just friends and nothing more.
TG1 Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 We've always been very honest with each other, her especially. So, we'll see how it goes I guess. Well good luck on that and tell me how it goes man, I am rooting for you man
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