EmergenC Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Broke up almost 8 months ago now, very very minimal contact, giving her space the first 2 months. Now almost 6 months to the day of NC had a very strange night. I was in a bar and ran into one of the people my ex ran off to live with when she dumped me via text message. We cleared the air, slightly. She also unfortunately told me that the guy my ex had been flirting with throughout the last year of our relationship. She did indeed sleep with him when we broke up. I knew that she had started seeing someone else a couple of weeks after we broke up but this guy was news to me. And honestly stung a tiny bit. Like my paranoias the last few months of the relationship have been validated. Ex then dumped the second guy a couple of months ago and got another new boyfriend when she left and moved to a totally new town. I was her first love and relationship. We lasted almost 4 years, she is now 21. The "good time friend" my ex moved in with also went on to tell me that her & her other roommate, they now think my ex is a bitch and are seeing her true colors. That apparently now she's settled in a new town and got a new life for herself the last few months, she barely bothers speaking to them. It appears that after my ex broke up with me she has just used as many people as possible for her own needs. The last 6 months of the relationship I knew myself in hindsight, I was being taken for a ride. She has just used everyone around her, including me for her own ends. She thinks about herself and her only & appears to be leaving behind broken hearted guys and piss*d off friends. All this, yet through all our time together, bar the last 6 or 8 months say, she was gentle hearted and kind. To me especially. Yet here's the rub, all this information suddenly comes to light by seeing this person I haven't seen since my ex took off into the night like a shadow. Check my cell phone in the bar, and for the first time since going NC, possible breadcrumbs. I honestly couldn't believe, on that night of all nights. There was a tiny morsel of perhaps an indirect almost nothing months ago, but this was more clear cut. She had 'liked' something of mine on stupid FB. She is not on my friends list by the way, I removed her when I found out she was seeing the second guy (who up until now I thought was the first). Not only that, but her profile picture with the notification was of one I took during one of our happy road trips together. I got home and went to clear the notification off my other devices so I didn't have to see her name popping up & in that time she had changed her picture again to something recent. An hour or two later, I got another notification that she had commented on a mutual friends status that I had commented on earlier. When we were together she could have cared less about this person. I know her, she's smart and very clever. My gut has never been wrong with her and I just know she's doing it to get up in my head. For what ends I don't know, but yeah, 6 months and I really was getting to such a great place. I'm busier than I've ever been & everyday has been a steady improvement. Slowly slowly for sure, but I don't mind because it's been progress all the same. And for sure, this whole night has messed with my head a little. So there you have it. Honestly, I was feeling so much better the last month or so I wasn't even going to bother posting anymore. I'm 9 years older than her so some of her actions I can understand at that age. I meanwhile did not rebound, despite opportunities and just stayed steady in NC. Wept behind closed doors. Dealt with the crappy hand I was given & started to make a slow steady sail for the horizon. To people just starting out on your journey. I promise one way or another it gets better. I too had similar thoughts of never being able to find someone, never being able to forget them, never being able to move on from 'the one'. But it goes, stay strong and get busy living YOUR life. And I promise you it fades away.
Jono85 Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 wow that's an encouring/great post buddy. thanks for sharing. i'm only a week strict NC, and it's been a fight, but a fight that i've been winning. in the past i kept tabs on her and her friends facebook (i'm not fb friends with her anymore, but still looked at her profile pic, and her friends fb who's page i could see everything on and they're travelling together in europe right now..) so it wasn't really healthy. i've been very tempted to check, but i've fought it off and seem to be gaining momentum (not so much in healing yet) about the strictness of NC and i don't really fear that i will break it. i'm starting to trust my restraint much more. that being said i haven't been faced with her contacting me, which will undoubtedly come when she returns home from europe in about a week, but by then i think i'll be even stronger and think i can resist msgs/calls too. anyway...keep staying NC, and it's great to hear that you've been focusing on bettering yourself each and every day. i totally know what you mean about weeping alone/behind closed doors. it's the worst. when i broke my exes heart a couple times (for the first 5/6 months of our relationship she was moving too fast for me, and i broke up with her a couple times, but quickly took her back) i was there for her and comforted her while she was in pain. i never stopped caring for her. but twice now i've been crushed by her, and although i've sort of told her not to bother me both times b/c i needed space/was hurting, she always takes that out, and doesn't respond back. i guess i understand since i'm asking her to stop, but still, she knows i'm crushed; it just sucks i'm here in tears at times, and i can't even goto my former best friend/partner for support/comfort, and i suffer in silence. ah well...i guess that's the gig of a man. i also guess if she reached out and asked if i was okay/showed comfort i wouldn't want it either, so in reality i'm being unfair. but u get what i mean lol. nonetheless empowering post.
Author EmergenC Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 wow that's an encouring/great post buddy. thanks for sharing. i'm only a week strict NC, and it's been a fight, but a fight that i've been winning. in the past i kept tabs on her and her friends facebook (i'm not fb friends with her anymore, but still looked at her profile pic, and her friends fb who's page i could see everything on and they're travelling together in europe right now..) so it wasn't really healthy. i've been very tempted to check, but i've fought it off and seem to be gaining momentum (not so much in healing yet) about the strictness of NC and i don't really fear that i will break it. i'm starting to trust my restraint much more. that being said i haven't been faced with her contacting me, which will undoubtedly come when she returns home from europe in about a week, but by then i think i'll be even stronger and think i can resist msgs/calls too. anyway...keep staying NC, and it's great to hear that you've been focusing on bettering yourself each and every day. i totally know what you mean about weeping alone/behind closed doors. it's the worst. when i broke my exes heart a couple times (for the first 5/6 months of our relationship she was moving too fast for me, and i broke up with her a couple times, but quickly took her back) i was there for her and comforted her while she was in pain. i never stopped caring for her. but twice now i've been crushed by her, and although i've sort of told her not to bother me both times b/c i needed space/was hurting, she always takes that out, and doesn't respond back. i guess i understand since i'm asking her to stop, but still, she knows i'm crushed; it just sucks i'm here in tears at times, and i can't even goto my former best friend/partner for support/comfort, and i suffer in silence. ah well...i guess that's the gig of a man. i also guess if she reached out and asked if i was okay/showed comfort i wouldn't want it either, so in reality i'm being unfair. but u get what i mean lol. nonetheless empowering post. I know it's hard to stay the course at first, it's too easy to peek at first. Just stay the course and you'll get there. I honestly feel so empowered by handling this breakup the best I ever have in my entire life. Even when finding out things that made me burn with anger, I took the moral high road from day one. My ex is just now starting to live her life and if she goes on as she has been, eventually her new set of friends are going to see her for what she is and she's going to find herself very lonely indeed. She's leaving behind a lot of bitter and angry people by her actions. That's 3 guys she's ran through that I now know of since we broke up. Yet she was so pure innocent and with high morals before. Such a true 180, now she's the good time girl giving it up to whoever flatters her ego most. Partying her ass off no doubt. The NC will help so much, even seeing a new picture of her when she changed her profile picture in the hour it took me to get home, it didn't bother me. I didn't feel any ache or stabbing hurt. I was largely indifferent. Your thought process changes also. You start looking at the topics on the forum, read the headers and think, gosh. Did I sound that desperate at the time? Honestly, your self respect starts to creep back in and you start to see your ex with a more level headed approach. When they lose that "power" over you, you gain it back in spades. 3 or 4 months ago I'd have made excuses for almost anything she could have done. Yet now? No way in hell! Ok this guy I found out she slept with for example. On paper, yeah she broke up with me then slept with him. I know she was "in a relationship" with the second rebound guy after 2 or 3 weeks, which means she screwed him pretty fast after we broke up. This after me being made to feel the bad guy? That I'm jealous and possessive and he's just a friend? The texts and emails I found where she was leading him on? I felt terrible, just terrible the last 6 months of our relationship. Insecure and jealous, and I was made to believe it was all in my head. Then we breakup and she skydives onto his lunchbox. That says something about her, and it would say something about me also if I let a person like that ever crawl back into my life without some hefty change in her behavior, a big explanation & apology. Your time will come, and your empowerment will come with it believe me. It's just a crazy coincidence, almost 6 months to the day of NC. I bump into her old roommate for the first time since the breakup who reveals information to me about what she did with this guy. And how they now think she's a bit of a bitch. And lo and behold, my ex is sending my smoke signals through crappy FB. What are the odds, just what are the odds?
Author EmergenC Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 Good Post and thanks for sharing the update and letting others know that in time, things do get better. Considering the fact that you are older I bet either you, several of your friends or other other people you dated when younger had G.I.G.S. (although you probably called it something else). So I am sure what your Ex is doing / not doing while in G.I.G.S. comes at no surprise to you. Only two things I would say is.... 1. Don't be fooled by the direct / indirect breadcrumbs either. G.I.G.S. people drop a million of these and will do so for YEARS. 2. The last thing you want to do is talk to her family, friends, etc. and look at her Facebook. G.I.G.S. people love to boast / brag about their exploits, adventures, conquests, how much fun they are having, etc. WITHOUT A FILTER. So if you talk with your Ex or people who know her or you choose to stalk her via Facebook... You are going to see, hear and learn things that are going to make you sick, disgusted, hurt / crushed and will forever be burned into your memory. I am not kidding and being dead serious... While they have G.I.G.S., the less you know the better off you will be. You're dead right on saying that the less you know the better. Each time I would find out something new it would be just blow my mind with disbelief. She is the absolute stereotype of the sweet innocent small town girl with the heart of gold. Now she's done a complete 180, completely. My friends think that, since after the breakup she ran round like wildfire. But now, the last 2 or 3 months since moving to this new city & switching to a new circle of friends, new boyfriend etc. They're saying perhaps now her life is slowing down slightly, she is starting to reflect and think about what she's left behind. She's barely had any down time since the breakup. But it's also true that as the time goes on, as you regain the respect for yourself. When you reach that point again where you emotionally would only accept a 50/50 relationship, you see that 9 times out of ten you've been chasing scraps from your ex. You start to second guess yourself and ponder whether chasing someone that right now clearly wants nothing to do with you & is getting wasted and screwing around; you start to genuinely ask yourself if that's something you actually want back in your life. The head catches back up to the heart and says "what are you doing?". You stop and look around at what you HAVE been doing, then things gradually come into focus. There is light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how in love you think you are or how much you think you can't cope. You have to put the work in for yourself, but I truly believe if you love and respect yourself. If you value your own well being, that behavior should eventually become an instinct. We are all born survivors. As for my ex right now, I'm sure she's still running wild with GIGS. Right now here at 6 months I'm sure she was just fishing with the least amount of effort to get a rise out of me. Probably just to top up her ego.
Author EmergenC Posted July 24, 2012 Author Posted July 24, 2012 Best case scenario... Until your Ex is hits the age of 25 or so, she isn't going to change or stop what she is doing. If anything, it will only get worse. I'm sure by that time I'll be long long long off in a new life. Finding out that stuff from her old housemate has been more than enough to open my eyes wide open to the kind of person that she truly is. I can only excuse her behavior with GIGS explanations so far. I had a period of GIGS when I was around her age for a year or two. But I never lost respect for myself and just screwed around with whoever flattered my ego. I don't know who she is anymore and it's a shame because the memories I had with her when we were together and things were good, we're my happiest with anyone in a relationship. The love was pure and ran deep, it was effortless around each other. 6 odd months, maybe 8 toward the end and she's managed to absolutely smear any good memories now. Such a pity. Yet here now are the beginnings of smoke signals! I'm about half a percentile from not giving a rats ass anymore. I'm forward thinking, genuinely enjoying my time and my life. People want a success story, there it is. Do yourself a favor people. Don't beg or chase after them. If you know you've been a good partner. Let them go.
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