YorickBrown Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 My belief is that people shouldn't be cut out of your life entirely just because things didn't work out romantically. There is value in people besides f-ing them. I am not a fan of burning bridges. As I matured as I have learned to: a) not emotionally invest in hopeless situations b) swiftly disinvest if a situation becomes hopeless, even if outwardly friendship/working relationship or whatever stays the same c) I am capable of emotionally "closing shop" within days if I make a firm decision to do so The trick is inwardly adjusting your expectations of a person/relationship while still keeping them in your life. It's ALL about your perception. Wow! I don't know exactly why or which of your comments I "liked" (and I'm not even sure if I agree with some of them) but it does make a lot of sense to think and handle stuff like that way (you must be a "veteran" .) I guess I'm just "impressed" that you're that kind of person, or have reached that kind of level of maturity and in a way, I kinda want to be like that too... I just don't know if this old dog can still learn that trick
Ruby65 Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 There's nothing worse than being so excited about dating a new guy but then having to deal with all the ex-girlfriend "just friends" hanging around and expecting special treatment because of their "big history" together..... ugggghhh. Really -- don't people have enough friends? How about having some consideration for his future girlfriends -- and your future boyfriends -- and just end the relationship and walk away? You had your time with him, now it's somebody else's turn. 1
YorickBrown Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 There's nothing worse than being so excited about dating a new guy but then having to deal with all the ex-girlfriend "just friends" hanging around and expecting special treatment because of their "big history" together..... ugggghhh. Really -- don't people have enough friends? How about having some consideration for his future girlfriends -- and your future boyfriends -- and just end the relationship and walk away? You had your time with him, now it's somebody else's turn. Darn it!!! Now I "liked" Ruby65 comment on this issue too...aaaaarrggghhh.. Well to quickly answer you Ruby65...uhmm..i dont really have that many friends... I mean i have "girl" friends but the close ones are kinda few (and forgotten) and far away that now me and I can talk to about this...As for exes, well they're the same way so I guess I "liked" Eternal Sunshine's "not burning bridges" bit But, I also see what you're getting at, "don't look back, don't come back" bit...it's just that it wouldn't it be really be nice to get some "closure" and perhaps, some "insights" why things didn't turn out the way it was suppose to...from someone who really knew you? You know, who better to learn from?
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 Wow! I don't know exactly why or which of your comments I "liked" (and I'm not even sure if I agree with some of them) but it does make a lot of sense to think and handle stuff like that way (you must be a "veteran" .) I guess I'm just "impressed" that you're that kind of person, or have reached that kind of level of maturity and in a way, I kinda want to be like that too... I just don't know if this old dog can still learn that trick Haha, I am the veteran of getting hurt. You can apply my post to any situation in your life, not just exs. I was the queen of wasting time. I spent 4 years having this strong crush on my married boss. Situation was as hopeless as they come. Yeah, he flirted with me but nothing actually ever happened. Essentially, I led myself on. I remember how I waited for his e-mails - he would sometimes e-mail me after hours, being chatty and funny, but again nothing specific. My whole mood depended on how much he talked to me at work and how much he e-mailed me. I did not notice anyone else. I would think and analyse everything he did or said. It was really a horrible time for me. Sometimes he also called me to chat. Often he would say he will call me but didn't and I was so frustrated and depressed over it. I kept my feelings to myself, never told him anything but I am pretty sure it was all obvious. Eventually, he invited me to his house for dinner (with his wife and kids too). I remember meeting his wife who was chronically ill and I just felt so disgusted with myself. She was a really nice person and after that meeting and playing with his kids, I snapped myself out of it. I stopped flirting with him completely. It was like a switch for me. I still work for him but it's been 2 years since I got over my feelings. He still behaves the same towards me. He still e-mails me a lot. He still calls me sometimes. We even have lunch once every 2 weeks or so! He gives me relationship advice... Yet..nothing he does affects me anymore. If he says that he will call and doesn't I don't even notice. I can't even remember if he responded to my last e-mail or not! When we talk at work, I never think twice about it. I don't even give him a second thought. Basically the reason why I wrote all that out: it's a great example of how a situation didn't externally change at all YET I changed. My change in perception and expectation of my relationship with my boss completely changed my reality. I now love my work and have a great time there! I have learned so much from this that I am now able to make that "switch" happen a LOT faster.
Mme. Chaucer Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 But … you don't like him, or respect him. Don't we have friendships with people we like and respect? The two positives you mention about doing this are: 1) He is smart. Well, I like to have smart friends, but I don't seek friendship with someone because they are smart. There are plenty of people who I know are extremely smart, but I don't want them in my life as friends. 2) You could use his feedback about your relationship dilemmas. But that is against your ground rules, so you can't do it. Right? I am not against being friends with exes, and I am friends with some of mine. Very good, deep friends. But a real friendship needs to have a foundation in openness and honesty, with healthy boundaries, of course. The rules you have in place might sound reasonable, but in fact they appear to me to be roadblocks to friendship. What you have in common with your ex - besides the fact that you are both smart - IS the relationship you had. And your home country, if I understood that right. On the other hand, of course, if you don't have these rules you or he might tread into very dangerous waters, basically because it seems that both of you have boundary issues within yourselves. I guess what it all boils down to, IMO, is that you really need to examine your motives for doing this and exactly what kind of real friendship this can be. 3
Star Gazer Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 I've always believed that you can be friends with exes, and there should be no reason not to be if there's no lingering feelings on either side. I've since modified that stance based on how my relationships have evolved and turned into friendships. I think if you were true friends to begin with, and then you date and it doesn't work out, you can return to being just friends again. And if you were in a serious relationship with someone you weren't initially friends with, and realized you just weren't compatible but you still adore each other as human beings, with a lot of platonic love and a ton of respect for one another, you can be friends. Respect is key. This guy didn't respect you. You didn't really respect him. And FWIW, I haven't spoken to Skiman since... December? We're not even pretend friends. 1
Star Gazer Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 But … you don't like him, or respect him. Don't we have friendships with people we like and respect? Ha, we were thinking alike... you articulated it better. 1
Art_Critic Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 What in the world would be his motivation to read all of your posts here then want to be your friend ? Hummmm.... ES... I smell a man looking for a FWB...
StrangeBehaviors Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 :laugh::laugh::laugh: Let's bet. I'm betting against this working Sunshiney. What do you want to bet?
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