Eternal Sunshine Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 So me and my ex have decided to try and be friends. Friendship will consist of us having coffee sometimes after work. We made some ground rules as follows: 1. Absolutely no talk about our failed relationship 2. For now, no talk about our new love interests I have zero feelings for him and feel absolutely no jealousy at the thought of him with someone else. Actually, he is quite smart and I could use his advice on my own relationship dilemmas - but that would probably be too awkward and I am not going to go there at this point. And rule 3. If this friendship negatively impacts either of us in any way, we are both free to say so and dscontniue at any time. Thoughts?
darkmoon Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 your ex gets a new girl, if i was the new girl, i'd tell you to your face to move on
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 your ex gets a new girl, if i was the new girl, i'd tell you to your face to move on I have moved on No worries there. I am curious to give this arrangement a go.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 BTW, he has read most of my posts on LS about him (among other things) and he said he is not bothered and that it's good for me to have an outlet like this. So everything is out in the open
todreaminblue Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 So me and my ex have decided to try and be friends. Friendship will consist of us having coffee sometimes after work. We made some ground rules as follows: 1. Absolutely no talk about our failed relationship 2. For now, no talk about our new love interests I have zero feelings for him and feel absolutely no jealousy at the thought of him with someone else. Actually, he is quite smart and I could use his advice on my own relationship dilemmas - but that would probably be too awkward and I am not going to go there at this point. And rule 3. If this friendship negatively impacts either of us in any way, we are both free to say so and dscontniue at any time. Thoughts? Hey eternal sunshine, you have ground rules in place and you seem to be in sync with each others needs and have firm boundaries....I do think a friendship is possible....I question the zero feelings do you mean intimate feelings? Because you wouldn't want to have a friend you have zero feelings for. My ex and I are friends we have three girls together though and a son he took on as his own.In saying that I live 2000km away for a reason.We both still have feelings that go beyond friendship so coffee is out for us.We had a long distance full on relationship many times he worked away from home as security on movie sets....when we came back together .It was combustible the same would apply if we came together for coffee after five something years it will never change.Sad huh. Thats Love for ya He is in a another relationship but has regret.So in another words it is a hot mess we struggle and juggle and stand united for the kids.From a distance. If you dont have those intimate feelings I think you will be able to stay friends with your ex as long as both feel the same way.Feelings can return some times to hit you when you least expect it be prepared to see the signs and nip it quickly in the bud.I hope that you maintain a long and happy friendship with coffee times that share many laughs and good memories.....Good luck.....Deb
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 I don't have intimate feelings for him. I don't miss him or think of him in that way at all.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 I know it's going to sound weird, but I have never attempted something like this with any of my other exs. My interest in if this will work is almost intellectual.
darkmoon Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 I have moved on No worries there. I am curious to give this arrangement a go. I mean leave him alone entirely and I do mean leave
SunandMoon Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 My interest in if this will work is almost intellectual. You mean like if this can be done in this fashion? Or..? Either hope it works out, it doesn't sound fun to cut someone completely out of your life, especially if they are an interesting individual.
todreaminblue Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 I don't have intimate feelings for him. I don't miss him or think of him in that way at all. Your friendship has a good chance of working out for both of you then.If either of you find a partner, the friendship should be fine if the new partners are not the jealous type. zero feelings to me means imo that you feel no emotion....not even like.... that is why i felt the need to question.Any way it wont hurt to pursue the friendship, you were able to set ground rules in the first place.Makes it a lot easier to manage and maintain....I feel like I am offending some posters in my posts and some are getting sarcastic not you by the way I apologise for lack of punctuation. Had a bit of a rough day today not so clear headed my time to do some meditation I think....good luck eternal sunshine.Good night best wishes with your coffee buddy.....have a skinny latte for me...slinks off stage left...ocean music here i come...Deb
youdunsay Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 I have moved on as well but I blocked him on FB and he knows it. Should I unbl
youdunsay Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 I have moved on as well but I blocked him on FB and he knows it. Im pretty certain that he is not the one for me but then again it has been a while I feel like patching back as friends. Should I unblOck him? I have one of his stuffs and I feel like returning to him. How should I do it? He's pretty egoistic btw.
youdunsay Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 I have moved on as well but I blocked him on FB and he knows it. Im pretty certain that he is not the one for me but then again it has been a while I feel like patching back as friends because we used to be like we can talk about anything under the sun. Should I unblOck him? I have one of his stuffs and I feel like returning to him. How should I do it? He's pretty egoistic btw.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 My belief is that people shouldn't be cut out of your life entirely just because things didn't work out romantically. There is value in people besides f-ing them. I am not a fan of burning bridges. As I matured as I have learned to: a) not emotionally invest in hopeless situations b) swiftly disinvest if a situation becomes hopeless, even if outwardly friendship/working relationship or whatever stays the same c) I am capable of emotionally "closing shop" within days if I make a firm decision to do so The trick is inwardly adjusting your expectations of a person/relationship while still keeping them in your life. It's ALL about your perception. 3
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 As for managing FB, I have unfriended my ex the day we broke up because he requested strict NC. I have never blocked him nor him me. If we indeed manage to establish some friendship, we will refriend each other. Endless removing, readding, blocking and unblocking makes my head spin
SunandMoon Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 My belief is that people shouldn't be cut out of your life entirely just because things didn't work out romantically. There is value in people besides f-ing them. I am not a fan of burning bridges. As I matured as I have learned to: a) not emotionally invest in hopeless situations b) swiftly disinvest if a situation becomes hopeless, even if outwardly friendship/working relationship or whatever stays the same c) I am capable of emotionally "closing shop" within days if I make a firm decision to do so The trick is inwardly adjusting your expectations of a person/relationship while still keeping them in your life. It's ALL about your perception. I'm sorta friends with one of my exes. Seems people here always say to never be in contact with exes ever again. Like you, I don't think that should always be the case. 1
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 I'm sorta friends with one of my exes. Seems people here always say to never be in contact with exes ever again. Like you, I don't think that should always be the case. I do not agree with most of the advice here regarding break-ups. I am not even a fan of NC at all. I DON'T go NC with anyone unless they request it. I think "moving on" process should be internal rather than external. If I am holding to to my feelings for someone, I can go NC for years and I can still have those lingering feelings. But then, I also never got back together with any of my exs. I don't think there is any sense in going back to something that has already failed. 1
iris219 Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 I'm not a firm believer in NC either. I'm good friends with one of my exes because he's a good person and always treated me well. Our friendship works fine. If you think having him in your life will somehow enhance your life, go for it. However, I thought you didn't like your ex or how he treated you? If that was case, I wouldn't be friends with him. I'd want him out of my life (which is how I feel about my most recent ex).
LonelyInsomniac Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 My belief is that people shouldn't be cut out of your life entirely just because things didn't work out romantically. There is value in people besides f-ing them. I am not a fan of burning bridges. As I matured as I have learned to: a) not emotionally invest in hopeless situations b) swiftly disinvest if a situation becomes hopeless, even if outwardly friendship/working relationship or whatever stays the same c) I am capable of emotionally "closing shop" within days if I make a firm decision to do so The trick is inwardly adjusting your expectations of a person/relationship while still keeping them in your life. It's ALL about your perception. Sunshine, I just have to pop in and note that this highlights my biggest error in the majority of my relationships, which was something I didn't actively realize. Thank you for putting it to words. 1
Heart Of A Lion Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 If he still has feelings for you, then you're giving him hope and that can be painful for a man and confuse him as to whether he should move on or not. You also mentioned that he had been violent against you. So in my opinion those are two reasons not to be friends with him. Smart advice can be gotten elsewhere if that's what you're after. The fact that you both agreed not to talk about new prospects indicates that it is a sore point for at least one of you or perhaps both. That means you're not completely over each other. 1
steveblack Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 external good luck with this. At my mental state with my breakup this will definitely not be going on any time soon. But maybe in the future
Star Gazer Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 My belief is that people shouldn't be cut out of your life entirely just because things didn't work out romantically. There is value in people besides f-ing them. And what exactly is his value to you, this man you weren't even in love with, this man who you just wanted to get to marry you? He didn't treat you well in the relationship. Why is he worth being friends with? What benefit does he ADD to your life? Not a thing. 2
threebyfate Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 ES, it would be hypocritical for me to say you shouldn't be friends with your ex since it's my thing, where exes can make decent friends, as long as you're both over each other. Even if they're not over you, you can always draw the boundary and maintain it. But you and I are different personality types, where you're more driven by emotion and impulsiveness. I question whether you won't be hurt again. Ex, if you're reading this, you can be a real dick.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted July 24, 2012 Author Posted July 24, 2012 TBF, I never really was in love with him and I don't see how I can be hurt. I don't want him back in any way. I also still work closely with my boss, for whom I had extremely strong feelings for years and I feel nothing now. But never mind, he is now having second thoughts. I wanted to know intellectually if this can truly be done without making us both unhappy. I also hoped it will help me let GO of some hate I still harbor for him.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted July 24, 2012 Author Posted July 24, 2012 If he still has feelings for you, then you're giving him hope and that can be painful for a man and confuse him as to whether he should move on or not. You also mentioned that he had been violent against you. So in my opinion those are two reasons not to be friends with him. Smart advice can be gotten elsewhere if that's what you're after. The fact that you both agreed not to talk about new prospects indicates that it is a sore point for at least one of you or perhaps both. That means you're not completely over each other. He said that he doesn't have any feelings for me anymore. As for violence, no he has never been violent until the night of the break-up. I cringe at re-counting all the details of that night, but I guess that I am excusing it because emotions ran extremely high and circumstances were exceptional. I never saw him again since that night. My memory is of him at his worst. I guess I was hoping to replace that memory with something better as I don't enjoy hating anyone.
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