Aaaaaaahhh

[RogerWallace111]

Feeling really f*cked up and can't honestly determine whether it's the thoughts about my ex/breakup causing me to feel like this or me feeling like this that's causing me to fixate on her... Can anyone relate to that type of confusion ? I've had a similar feeling on several occasions. Like is it my frustration with aspects of my life that make me trip out about losing her or is it losing her that's causing me to feel frustrated with life ? I suppose it's some of both.

 

I knew while i was with her, for instance, that my job has kept me in a small town I don't want to be in. But now without her to make me feel at ease and help me accept that, it's f*cking with me. And the thing is, I was really happy to be in a relationship with her because the job is awesome in all ways besides the location, and being with her made me feel like I didn't need to be in any exciting social scene, etc. Which I now feel like I want. The small town life is so boring when single...

 

I was honest with myself during the relationship about not liking my work's location, and not feeling like I was achieving exactly what I wanted to (as far as doing more music gigs in the metropolitan area, etc). I didn't sweep these feelings under the rug- I just assessed the situation and thought that as far as the future, and building my resume (not to mention needing money to live), this was the right path to take, and was very grateful to have her to make every night happy and cozy. In surroundings where it's looking like I otherwise might go crazy from the daily monotony.

 

I know I am still hurting deeply over the breakup. I've never had 10% of what I had with her with another girl. I still think about the possibility of her wanting to pick things back up, and if I could resist. Our breakup was on about the best terms one can be, and made logical sense in most ways. Basically her telling me that at this point in our lives it wasn't gonna last forever, but that she hoped someday it might work out. To the point of calling me daily after telling me she loves me and would someday marry me. I initiated nc and have been strong with it for 7 weeks, and am not "holding onto hope". Especially considering I somehow deep down agree it was the right decision. But the loss of her as my girl, and the resulting loss of her friendship, still kill me at times. After almost 2 months, it's on my mind more lately than it was the first month and a half (besides the first week or so of course). It's hurting more as that initial surge of spiritual power via liberation has worn off. It's almost always at the back of my mind. I went from going no more than 1 minute between thoughts of her, to probably 30, and now back to about 5...

 

Any thoughts ? Just venting I suppose and looking for sympathy heehee. And reassurance that it coming back in waves like this is classic and will eventually subside...

Edited July 23, 2012 by RogerWallace111

[AlexanderJames]

Just another low point mate. You'll get through it.

I can relate though it's hard to put into words but I know what you mean.

Another way of looking at it is the fact that you where with someone who made you feel good about yourself and self secure. And now you are on your own all the little things about who you are and what you do compared to who you want to be an where you want to be are pissing you off because you don't have anyone to make you feel good about it. If that makes sense. That's what it was like for me. Now I'm looking to get a new job interstate ad leave for good.

 

We can relate. You're not alone. Just say strong and focus. This isn't about the ex anymore this is a new battle within yourself. Time to make effort to be happy with YOU.

[AlexanderJames]

Stay strong*

[RogerWallace111]

Just another low point mate. You'll get through it.

I can relate though it's hard to put into words but I know what you mean.

Another way of looking at it is the fact that you where with someone who made you feel good about yourself and self secure. And now you are on your own all the little things about who you are and what you do compared to who you want to be an where you want to be are pissing you off because you don't have anyone to make you feel good about it. If that makes sense. That's what it was like for me. Now I'm looking to get a new job interstate ad leave for good.

 

We can relate. You're not alone. Just say strong and focus. This isn't about the ex anymore this is a new battle within yourself. Time to make effort to be happy with YOU.

 

Legit advice & wisdom. Thanks. Definitely true about my current self/situation compared to what I want it to be pissing me off & frustrating me. I could have technically said the same while I was dating her but you're right, with the reassurance she provided me it was way easier to accept what I was unhappy with and just be grateful for my financial security and interesting work. Now it's not enough and I get that feeling like I'd rather be broke, hitchhiking around the U.S. than stuck here working. Like any change would be better than the daily routine I've been stuck in. I exercise lots, work on music, go on hikes, hang with friends- it's pleasant but not exciting. It feels like meeting new people and having new experiences is an impossibility around here. I do fun **** on the weekends but they always are alcohol filled, pass way too quickly, and leave me depressed sunday night (like when I created this thread).

 

It truly is a new battle within myself. I always thought the day I was single again something would go off in me and my life would spontaneously and naturally become exciting as f*ck. Can you relate to that ? But really, I'm going to have to make some tangible moves and put my nose to the grindstone. I think if I start doing a lot more live music I can put up with the job for another spell. I just need to make that happen. That's main type of excitment I want. And unless I can find some other amazing work opportunity (I do look), it would be pretty stupid to leave here...

 

I had a pretty crazy dream last night, where I was in one of the most classic, "good old" spots of the town i live in, and had to brace myself as huge (but colorful and beautiful) tornado passed by. And was scared ****less. Definitely some symbolism there...

[k100danny]

I think this is perfectly understandable and most people will go through this thought process but in different ways. The way i tend to look at it is you are getting back to what you wanted from your life and it will be partly the break up and partly the frustration of you finding out what you want from life and what will fulfil you and make you more content.

 

I have read many psychology papers on happiness ect and read some really interesting things, It is quite common for people to think that certain changes in there life will be the answer to everything (please note i am not saying you don't actually want to leave your job and move) but this isn't really the case, it has less to do with where your feet are at an more to do with where your mind is, people think it i move to this country or this town or get this job ect everything will be ok but truthfully happiness returns to a standard baseline after a while. That isn't to say moving job or town ect wont make you happier as it may be more fulfilling which of course will improve your quality of life and voerall happiness. I guess what im trying to say is it seems clear you were quite happy and content in your relationship and she met your needs which meant you felt quite happy. We all make changes to our plans when we fall for someone as it's now a couple and not one person but when it ends we have to evaluate what is best for us and what we want from life for ourselves only and i think this is what you are going through now.

 

I have a similar feeling at the moment, i miss a loving relationship and a companion but now it is over you realise that maybe it was for the best and you have to get back to being you and figuring out what YOU want. I currently don't know exactly what i want from my life and im trying to find some direction also, when you break up i think you do spend more time in trying to make some sort of life plan which can be healthy as we always feel better when we are striving for something.

 

Hold on in there, be true to yourself and ask yourself honestly what you want from a relationship, make yourself happy and then find someone to share that happiness with.

[2muchlove]

That's exactly right k100danny.

 

I've packed up and moved across the country 4, soon to be 5 times in the past 5 years. There have been many times I was deeply unhappy and felt very alone because of it. It's hard moving so much and making new friends when you're a bit of an introvert. HOWEVER...

 

In those 5 years I've managed twice, to overcome all of my self-esteem issues and loneliness by reinventing and actually finding myself, and in the process made great long-term friendships with great people. And when I do, I find deep happiness and fulfillment from within. And at those times, when my confidence is at its near peak, someone comes along and I feel as though I would be complete when I get to call them my significant other.

 

But then I make my life all about her and the relationship. So when things go bad, my life gets turned upside down. But I've learned. Especially from the most recent experience.

 

 

Years ago, when I was living down south one of my old bosses told me something very profound that has stuck with me everywhere. It's something I've tried and sometimes succeeded at accomplishing. He told me "You can move anywhere in the world, do anything you want, but happiness doesn't come until you learn how to be happy right here." (As he puts his palm to his chest.)

 

You see, it's an easy concept to grasp, but a very difficult one to accomplish. Especially in times of turmoil.

 

But as many people have stated on these forums, and I think you'll notice as well. Once we're at our peak happiness and everything is going perfect for you, is when love comes knocking at the door. Whether you like it or not.

 

It's happened every time with me and it happens with just about everybody. When people are at their finest is when things always come together.

 

The change has to come from within. Because it certainly won't come from any outside sources. Only YOU have the power to change it.

Edited July 23, 2012 by 2muchlove

[steveblack]

this really sounds like my breakup. I am about a month of nc and I am going through the same exact feelings.

 

I do feel the breakup was justified as well.

 

As soon as we broke up, i started applying for all sorts of jobs to "get the ____ out of here". I had been unhappy with my job, and really was hanging on to it until we both were going to move somewhere together (yea that didn't happen). I realized, after applying for jobs, I would still be unhappy if I wasn't ready. I might be ready in a couple of months.... just not right now....

 

 

breakups suck

[RogerWallace111]

I think this is perfectly understandable and most people will go through this thought process but in different ways. The way i tend to look at it is you are getting back to what you wanted from your life and it will be partly the break up and partly the frustration of you finding out what you want from life and what will fulfil you and make you more content.

 

I have read many psychology papers on happiness ect and read some really interesting things, It is quite common for people to think that certain changes in there life will be the answer to everything (please note i am not saying you don't actually want to leave your job and move) but this isn't really the case, it has less to do with where your feet are at an more to do with where your mind is, people think it i move to this country or this town or get this job ect everything will be ok but truthfully happiness returns to a standard baseline after a while. That isn't to say moving job or town ect wont make you happier as it may be more fulfilling which of course will improve your quality of life and voerall happiness. I guess what im trying to say is it seems clear you were quite happy and content in your relationship and she met your needs which meant you felt quite happy. We all make changes to our plans when we fall for someone as it's now a couple and not one person but when it ends we have to evaluate what is best for us and what we want from life for ourselves only and i think this is what you are going through now.

 

I have a similar feeling at the moment, i miss a loving relationship and a companion but now it is over you realise that maybe it was for the best and you have to get back to being you and figuring out what YOU want. I currently don't know exactly what i want from my life and im trying to find some direction also, when you break up i think you do spend more time in trying to make some sort of life plan which can be healthy as we always feel better when we are striving for something.

 

Hold on in there, be true to yourself and ask yourself honestly what you want from a relationship, make yourself happy and then find someone to share that happiness with.

 

 

Yeah, it's no doubt a mixture of both, in a kind of self-perpetuating way - the breakup makes life seem frustrating, and life being frustrating makes the breakup seem like more of a loss. It sucks...

 

The second bit i highlighted makes a lot of sense too. I've had similar thoughts about the reality of looking toward changes to make yourself "happy", and the idea that even admirable life successes don't necessarily change your baseline happiness permanently. I think of how many successful artists, musicians and actors suffer from severe depression... That type of thought is what keeps me from drastically quitting, moving or anything like that. Because I need to be practical, and being broke, etc would multiply my problems. At the same time, with my music for instance: making tunes & performing live has been my deepest passion (aside from friends/family) since I was 7 years old. I work in the music industry, but the past few years, with school/work, my own stuff has taken the backburner, and it feels like a part of me is missing. I have time outside of work to make music, I do, and if I get my **** together can be doing shows also. It's pretty clear to me that that's something I need to do to feel more fulfilled. But I don't expect it to alleviate all my sadness or emotional struggles... While I was content in the relationship, I knew I wasn't happy with my lack of musical progress. It wasn't that I was sacrificing it for her, but she was making me happy enough that I stayed in my comfort zone and didn't make the moves I now need to make.

 

And the third part I fully agree with... It's for the best even if only because it forces me to step outside that comfort zone and MAKE myself get what I want. Or be forced to wallow in monotony and just "deal with it". I love her and I miss what we had but deep down, the timing feels right, as much anguish as it's caused me. And if several years down the road, we're both single and somehow end up wanting to give it another shot, we can. By that time I will be the f*cking man, because there's no way I will I accept stagnation. I am gonna make the things I want to see happen happen and keep that as my first priority, though I will be dating girls along the way. Plus performing puts me out there in a way that the ladies can't resist ... I'm a soulful f*ck and I am regaining my sense of purpose. I love loving a girl, but I need to put myself first and I know it.

[2muchlove]

I love loving a girl, but I need to put myself first and I know it.

 

Amen, brotha.

[steveblack]

oh and I forgot. the feeling that you are going to do something big and move on, does make me feel good inside. It makes me feel like, 'hey i can do this without her'. And being future oriented about something cool and exciting does make me feel good. If i go through with it, is a totally different story (i might have a job opp over sees).

[RogerWallace111]

I like your words/input a lot, 2much. That's a lot of moving... Admirable in a way though. You're seeing a lot. I seriously fear falling for another girl too soon, and am going to keep my guard up as to not let that ever stand in the way of my own aspirations. Of course they always show up when you're feeling dandy without them...

 

And I agree with what your boss said... And yes it's difficult to apply ! For me the move I'll be making is only 50 miles away (a bit too far too commute or I'd do that), and I have friends there. It's more a direct issue of needing an active "nightlife" and music scene to get my sh*t going than a feeling that simply moving will make me feel better... Cause I know I'd get lonely as hell too if I went somewhere with no one i knew around.

 

I really feel that this pain will give way to a new strength at some point, and a change within will occur. And in the meantime I will methodically be taking the steps toward the few things I'm sure are worthwhile...

[jmjacobs31]

I am feeling the same way. My ex and I have been broken up for 3 1/2 months and we are into a week of NC. First few weeks/Month was horrible, followed by the second month which was okay up until about a 2 weeks ago when I started to feel horrible again. I am assuming its just a phase and it will pass. Heres hoping!

[2muchlove]

 

I really feel that this pain will give way to a new strength at some point, and a change within will occur. And in the meantime I will methodically be taking the steps toward the few things I'm sure are worthwhile...

 

That's exactly right. I never knew I could get over my first love until I made the proper adjustments to myself without even knowing what I was doing.

 

I became a much better person because of it. And it never would have happened if I had stayed in the relationship.

[RogerWallace111]

Definitely Steve, I feel you fully. That's good to acknowledge that a premature move/change wouldn't necessarily be the answer. It's like you just have to suffer through the **** cause nothing outside can alleviate it (to echo 2muchlove's point). Of course if somethin super cool fell into your lap (an incredible job, incredible new girl, etc), it would help ease the pain in the moment, but you'd just be shoving it down the line- and like danny said, would end up back at your "baseline happiness" inevitably.

 

And hell yeah, being future-oriented feels good. Especially when youre making tangible moves forward on a daily basis (not that I always am). Gives you your own unique light to follow.

 

JM- It is a phase, trust in that. Unless everyone in my life and everyone on here are lying to me... hehe

[RogerWallace111]

That's exactly right. I never knew I could get over my first love until I made the proper adjustments to myself without even knowing what I was doing.

 

I became a much better person because of it. And it never would have happened if I had stayed in the relationship.

 

That's nice to hear. I can relate to the not knowing what you're even doing. It's like you just have to fumble through the dark times in as proactive as a way you can...

[AlexanderJames]

Lot's of good advice given here /: I cant really think of much that hasn't already been said hah.

Sounds like you're got the right mindet though. Focussing on the music you like composing and seeing friends and meeting new people is what is going to bring hapiness within yourself it's just a matter of time. Keep working out and surrounding yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself. You dont need an ex to get ego boosts

 

How are you feeling today? Strange you mentioned dreams I had a dream about my ex for the first time in ages last night. Can't really remember too much of it. Just that we weren't together in the dream, and I said to her we couldn't go back. Maybe just my mind psycing me up in case it happens for real haha. But I felt good when I woke up which is the main thing. But I dont wanna thread jack haha.

[RogerWallace111]

Focussing on the music you like composing and seeing friends and meeting new people is what is going to bring hapiness within yourself it's just a matter of time. Keep working out and surrounding yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself. You dont need an ex to get ego boosts

 

Strange you mentioned dreams I had a dream about my ex for the first time in ages last night. Can't really remember too much of it. Just that we weren't together in the dream, and I said to her we couldn't go back. Maybe just my mind psycing me up in case it happens for real haha. But I felt good when I woke up which is the main thing.

 

First paragraph is on point. Making music & exercising are the two activities I find myself able to get immersed in to where that nagging little feeling that something's wrong goes away. Ran 4 miles through the forest a couple days ago with some buddies, was so fun.

 

Feeling alright today, though two little things happened between last night and now... 1) As I mentioned in your thread, I got three calls from a restricted number last night, and each time they would hang up after me giving a few hellos. Couldn't help but immediately start thinking it might be her (can't remember the last blocked call I'd gotten, or think who else would possibly bother doing that that late in the evening). Of course there could be some other explanation. But I started thinking "maybe she's calling cause she knows I'll think it's her and will text her asking about it". Who knows...

 

and 2) was browsing through some of my old fb albums (which I thought I had completely cleared of pics of us), but stumbled across one i missed. deleted it immediately but the 3 seconds it was up were enough to bum me out for a short spell.

 

no worries at all, i'm always jackin your threads ! Yeah I've had similar dream scenarios, though we usually start out back together... Ive had dreams of her somewhat frequently the last couple weeks. They go several ways. I usually am initially relieved to be back with her. They either proceed pleasantly, and that's that, or I start to feel trapped and like something's not right, or she ends up angry at me out of nowhere. They don't ever affect me too much upon waking, but when I've had the one's like you had, it is nice to know your subconscious is reassuring you...

[AlexanderJames]

Good effort haha. I need to start running soon. Been packing on weight as much as I can over winter gotta cut it all down through spring so Im cut and jacked for summer at the beach

 

You cant really think about the phone calls, its possible it was her but at the same time how many people out there could dial your number by mistake? Maybe thye say nothing cause theyre confused bout the voice on the other end. I've had people call me 5 times when they were trying to dial someone else every time.. It could be anything but whatever it is it isnt worth getting caught up in thought.

 

Wow seriously? I went through my fb video's yesterday arvo to find one for a friend and I found a video I recorded with her at the beach. I'd deleted all photo's of her but completely forgot bout the vids. Kinda bummed me out.

 

Dreams can be ****s but as long as we wake up in the same direction as we went to bed we will be fine.

 

I had a real bad night , morning thismorning. Dont know why but I'll try and make sense of it on my thread

[RogerWallace111]

Yeah I didn't think too far into those phone calls, but intuition, or paranoia (whatever you wanna call it) got me wondering... The way the calls were spaced out or something. And just my general expectation that she's getting impatient with me (as when I cut her off I claimed I'd get back in touch... in "maybe weeks, maybe months").

 

Thing is I fear her getting ahold of me. It would set me back a bit or if by some chance she acted like she wanted to try I again I would likely be unable to resist. It might be a very minor ego boost to know she was f*cked up but I can't help already assuming that. The final terms it was left on didn't put it in game-playing territory- I knew she was upset and she knew I was (though I managed to sound more together). Sh*t the last time she broke up w/ me, after an episode of mine, I was depressed as hell and assumed she was moving on unscathed. Then she calls me and tells me how depressed she's been and was fearing I'd moved on. ...all worthless venting/blabbering though as you're probably correct and it wasn't her. Haaa.

 

Yeah, there was one out of focus shot I'd managed to overlook... Then later today when I came home I was tidying my room, tossing some old papers, and came across a long card from her. Which took me by surprise, but I quickly tossed it in a bag, and went on a little digging spree finding every memento I could think of. I'll store it all somewhere else... Ooh yeah I've got videos but not on fb ... I know where not to look for those.

 

Yeah the dreams don't get to me that much. I just really enjoy dreaming in general, so I take it for what it is and am thankful for that whole other reality I get to enjoy... Even if some less fun stuff shows up from time to time.

 

Sounds like you're more angry than sad at least, that's probably preferable

Edited July 25, 2012 by RogerWallace111

[RogerWallace111]

Damnit missing her a lot tonight. Or maybe just bummed about the daily monotony of late and fiending affection. Once again, not fully sure. Some of each I'd guess. Coming to the realization that I won't want to be "friends" with her till I have a new lady or very changed life. At which point it'll be far from my mind. I keep thinking there could be some in between, but if we're not really together then that's that. There's no worthwhile middle ground. It's a f*cking shame when an awesome love is ended out of stupid ass fear and principle.

[YorickBrown]

@ RogerWallace111 original post: I was wondering what the Aaaaaaahhh meant, and I can relate...its actually sooooooo Aaaaaaahhhnoying when you thought you're doing ok with NC, and you're grinding it out trying to put yourself back together and it suddenly hits you (again) that you've lost someone whom you've loved and meant so much to you.

 

I swear, if there is a drug I could take or something I could do to self-induce Aaaaaaahhhmnesia whenever I get theseAaaaaaahhhtacks.. I'd probably be anAaaaaaahhhdict by now....Hmmmm...now that I think of it...